Only in France

Former French President Chirac hospitalized

Former French president Jacques Chirac was rushed to hospital after being mauled by his own 'clinically depressed' pet dog.

The 76-year-old statesman was savaged by his white Maltese dog - which suffers from frenzied fits and is being treated with anti-depressants.

The animal, named Sumo, had become increasingly violent over the past years and was prone to making 'vicious, unprovoked attacks', Chirac's wife Bernadette said.

Even more tragic is that the Chirac's went to the UN to get sanctions placed on the dog and to get the body to condemn the "vicious and unprovoked attacks" but China and Russia vetoed it in the Security Council. Just one question to our Lord and savior: money God. Was it too much to ask to make the dog a poodle?

Camelot gets tired of waiting

Well New York, you attempt to replace one famous last name with another hit a critical snag. It seems Caroline Kennedy is no longer able to hold her breath and stamp her feet until that nasty old blind man gives her Uncle Bobby's seat. Oh, fiddlesticks.

Caroline Kennedy says she is dropping out of a bid to win appointment to the U.S. Senate seat once held by her slain uncle, Bobby Kennedy.

In a statement released early Thursday, she says she told Gov. David Paterson that she is abandoning her attempt to succeed Hillary Rodham Clinton for personal reasons.

Those personal reasons? According to the New York Post the most personal reason is that Patterson was simply no longer considering her for the seat. So she did what anyone would do in that situation: claim they didn't want it anyway and leak to the press that you're withdrawing. But where does this leave New York, tragically unencumbered with legacy/celebrity names vying to be the Senator-Select? Who knows, probably someone who got elected and worked in the legislature for years. It's almost enough to make you want to vomit.

But not to put to fine a point on it Patty-poo but shouldn't you, I don't know, have someone in mind by now? It's been months. The crooked fucker picked a guy in the middle of a sideshow. Delaware picked a guy. You can't figure it out? We're already into the new session of congress. Chuck Schumer isn't suddenly getting two votes now. I know it'll probably make some people mad, but this is what the people of NY elected Eliot Spitzer to do. But he likes hookers, so it's your problem.

Picture of the (yester)day

"Yeah, could you do me a favor and have some desk stuff sent in? I don't know, stuff. Stacks of files, a picture of Michelle and the kids, maybe one of those tiny samurai swords? Unlike the last guy, I'm too busy doing shit to, you know, worry about whether or not my cluttered desk implies I am doing shit. Thanks. Oh, and one more thing. Can we get Rahm a stool or something? He's been leaning against the right side of my desk with a loaded shotgun for hours now and I think his knees are starting to buckle."

Barry: Deuce

"I can still smell the stench of failure. Have the staff fumigate again!"

The big headline of Huffington Post today is on Obama, it says "FOCUS TODAY: REVERSE BUSH'S FOREIGN POLICIES". Hmmm, tad optimistic I'd say. It might take more than one day to totally undo it Ariana. Maybe a day and a working lunch tomorrow. What did he do yesterday? Halted the military tribunals at Guantanamo, phoned Arab leaders to discuss the Mideast situation, froze salaries for White House senior staff with some added lobbyist restrictions, embraced openness and secrecy, met with military leaders to gab about Iraq withdrawal and hitting reset button on Afghanistan, meeting with economic advisers to discuss stimulus, and retook the oath of office with Chief word stumbler John Roberts....just in case.

As for today?

• Congratulate Hillary on her harrowing 94-2 victory in her Senate confirmation. Wonder if she'll stop harping on about that 17 million voter shit.
• Officially make George Mitchell Middle East envoy. Read Anti_Defamation League boss Abe Foxman criticize Mitchell as too qualified, to even handed, and too fair to be point man for US in Middle East. Get confused and dizzy, sit down, have Rahm come in and explain Jewish people to you again.
• Stand in Blue Room with wife, shake hands of commoners and peasants. Remember to shake hands with everyone, even the ugly ones. Christ there are a lot of ugly ones. Some little shit just wiped his nose on Dolly Madison's duvet cover, where's a Secret Service sniper when you need one? Aren't looking forward to that phone call from the Smithsonian, they probably won't let me sit in the Spirit of St. Louis now.
• Lunch. Eat sammich and look out over little league field. Ask Axelrod how long it'll be till that bastard is plowed under and they can get a B-ball court up in this bitch.
• Sign order closing Guantanamo within the a year. Listen for that shrieking, pinched "Noooooooooooooo!" coming from the direction of Texas. Get briefing from State on how to make eye contact with world leaders again. It's been a while.
• Address State Department at Foggy Bottom. Explain vision for foreign policy and hand out protocols for dealing with the lonely looking Bill Clinton wandering the halls. They've all agreed to ask Bill for his advice on about some fake country and some fake crisis they've concocted every couple of days, make him feel important. He'll be the point man on the Kreplachistan conflict.
• Awards ceremony for egg-spoon race from yesterday, really search desk for hidden compartments and levers that reveal trap doors, work through the L-O section of countries calling to congratulate you, send over a envelope with a photo of you with your feet up on the desk, the stationary that says "From the Desk of The President", and a single bullet to John McCain.
• Dinner. Watermelon. The kitchen staff will die at dawn.
  

The First Fisters?

Apparently Fox News has been following the Obama family just a little more closely than anyone else.



I, for one, will always be sad that we missed out on hearing David Remnick defend New Yorker cover art of this instead of that other thing.

Broken In Brief: White House repossessed as Bush defaults on mortgage

WASHINGTON—A mere day after being sworn and moved into office and the White House, the Obama administration learned that the executive branch had defaulted on the property's mortgage and was in the process of being repossessed. This will mark the first time since 1817 that the country's chief executive will not reside in the famous structure, and the only time an extended presidential absence did not involve British troops lighting everything on fire.

As a bank-appointed repossession company carted out priceless furniture and tapestries, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Shaun Donovan explained the striking turns of events. “We regret to inform the American people that the beloved symbol of American power is now in the possession of the Winchester Federal Savings Bank. As near as we can tell, the outgoing administration refinanced sometime last March and was barely able to keep up with the minimum monthly payments.

Donovan continued, "While we might have been able to find a way around this, the mortgage was apparently devalued even further when Winchester Federal realized that an African American family had taken up residence."

Chief amongst all other concerns was how, exactly, Bush was able to take out a mortgage on a piece of federal property owned by the National Park Service. ”Deed?” a confused Josh Bolten asked. “No we didn’t have one, we just invoked 'Possession is nine-tenths' and used one of those liar loans. It’s all totally legal and binding, thank you very much Phil Gramm. As to the repossession, well, the amount of money you get for a property like this puts the mortgage rate astronomically high, so the President defaulted pretty quickly. We were hoping that some sort of relief for homeowners would get passed, but we obviously had to take care of the banks first."

As to what the borrowed money was spent on, staffers point to next week’s planned “World’s Ultimate BBQ,” to be held at Bush’s ranch in Crawford. Invitations to this event note a “menagerie of exotic grilled meats, including panda chops, chicken fried giraffe, and koala steaks” to be grilled on a bed of heated diamonds, featured performances by Charlie Daniels and an unprecedented “Partner Switch-Off” between Big & Rich and Brooks & Dunn, a multi-million dollar structure designed by Frank Gehry to be destroyed at evening's end, plus three kinds of potato salad.

When told of the loss of the White House, a spokesman for the President noted that “…Obama signed, shook his head, and told David Axelrod to ‘add it to the list, somewhere in the fifties’.” For the time being, the executive branch will work out of several surplus FEMA trailers until they can find suitable office space outside of the Beltway where rent is cheaper.

Picture of the day

Swarming hives of angry bees trying to suck honey from Washington or millions of citizens gettin' their Barry on? We'll never know, but satellite photographers Geospace (they can see you sunbathing nude on your roof) and Popular Science (they can also see you sunbathing nude on your roof, but through entirely different scientific means) at least want to show you a big ass version of the Inauguration/bee attack. Click on the picture to see the even bigger version.

What did we tell you? WHAT DID WE TELL YOU?

Super secret Muslim agent:

President Barack Obama called Palestinian President Mahmud Abbas today and promised to work toward a "durable peace" in the reigon, Abbas' spokesman says. "This is my first phone call to a foreign leader and I'm making it only hours after I took office," the spokesman quoted Obama as telling Abbas.

Soon he will melt down your guns and use the metal to construct Madrassas, Chomsky will become required reading for all primary school students and the mandatory government abortion lines will begin forming. Do you even know what you've unleashed, America?

Quote of the day

From TS at Instaputz, overheard while drinking at the Lenox Lounge in Harlem.

The chatter round the bar was near-consensus jubilation, but there were a few grumbles about John Roberts' flub.

Said the elderly man at the end of the bar: "Thurgood Marshall wouldn't have fucked up."

Edit: Also felt Shaq's thoughts needed to be added as well. From Shaq's Twitter feed:

The obama speech, wow, was dat memorized, very impressive, im jealous
about 21 hours ago from txt

Obama: Around the world

From the Guardian comes a look at the various papers worldwide covering the Obama inauguration. It's so nice of them to do so. Just know that we don't even know who runs any of your countries and one of your elections wouldn't make it onto our front pages unless you elected a nude supermodel. But thanks anyway. For anyone looking for translations Aftenpoften's says "Eyegouge for History!", Beeld says "Kiss my hoop. Obama talks about golf and optimism during Presidential oath.", Bild says "Mr. President will beat welts onto all of you!", the Squiggly Writing Gazette is probably moaning something about Zionists, and Le Figaro's loosely translates into "The Masturbating American."

Frankly I could care less about the Inauguration, just tell me where to get that free Jane Eyre DVD.

Inaugural outrage

Notice any difference between Obama's inauguration and a bunch of others? Where were the pimp, Bill the Butcher, ballin' ass, ten gallon top hats? You can take your hope and change, I want someone to deliver a rousing speech wearing a top hat, surrounded by other men in top hats. Scalia's beanie doesn't count. Is it too much to ask we bring that style back?

Barry: Day One

As Mike Tomlin says, the goal wasn't to get there, there's business to accomplish once we get there. He also says "It's a process" a ton and I guess that applies too. But such is the life for the new President. He didn't run to get to Washington he ran to.....I forget...socialism? Do things, we'll say do things. As his first business day officially opens he's got a lot of things on his plate.

• Meeting with economic advisers to asses the approach and work a way forward. Plan out the spending of the $350 billion congress released and get updated projections on the state and trajectory of the economy.
• After economic meeting slide open bottom drawer on desk to get the Banker's Club vodka you had the staff place there. Take a few shots, stare blankly into space, weep a little. Realize this economic thing is going to consume your Presidency. Make a note to kick George Bush in the shins the next time you see him. When Rahm walks in pretend you weren't crying. He's just imagining things.
• Meet with top national security aides. Go over plans to successfully withdraw from Iraq and increase presence in Afghanistan. Get briefing on our presence and relations with Pakistan and foreign relations in general.
• Hit the bottle again after Gates walks out. Underline note to kick Bush in the shins. Losing ground to the Taliban? Call Harvard see if they have any openings in Law School faculty.
• Lunch. Beanie weenies.
• Field weeping phone call from Harry Reid. He explains how Cornyn forced a floor vote instead of voice vote on Hillary yesterday. Now Hillary lost the vote and after some parliamentary maneuvering from the gardener Mitch McConnell sent down to run the opposition while he was getting a massage, Dick Cheney is now his Secretary of State. He apologizes. There isn't enough vodka in the world.
• Name Middle East envoy, suspend military tribunals at Guantanamo, carefully negotiate that whole Israel thing, referee White House egg-spoon race, overturn ban on US funding for family planning programs that also include abortion, lift ban on embryonic stem cell research, Guitar Hero with Axelrod, break out first use of "I'm dealing with Presidential shit" on the wife, start working up first budget request and State of the Union address.
• Read letter George left you. Call up George, thank him for the note, compliment him on how well the Ziggy cartoon he drew looked like the ones in the papers. The bastard probably traced it. Organize a meet up for lunch in a month or so. Order steel toe boots from Timberland. Prepare for mother of all shin kickings.
• Dinner. Chicken and waffles. Talk to Rahm about racist kitchen staff. Sleep.

What happened today

44

"Sorry 'bout all that misery. Remember, my new house has guards, a moat, and an electric fence. Come and get some if you've got the stones liberals."

Is everything fixed yet? No? Goddammit. Well, at least we got our balls to the wall pomp and a face full of circumstance as Mr. Barry Popularity was allegedly enshrined as our 44th President (more on that later) and the Bush Administration finally ground to a halt. Everyone was there, from your favorite celebrities like Don King and Magic Johnson, Dennis Kucinich and Byron Dorgan, to nearly two million citizens with a high tolerance for freezing temperatures and soul legends wearing head bows that can be seen from outer space. Also there were all the living ex-Presidents and Vice-Presidents, as well as our current VP, one white cat short of full Bond villain resplendence. But what else happened?

• Gay hating evangelical phony Rick Warren made the election and invocation of the first black President in our nation's history somehow come across like an increasingly bizarre pitch to sell you a used Datsun that he swears a little old lady only used once a week to drive to his mega-church.
• Reverend Lowery on the other hand, knows a little something about a benediction, showmanship, color related rhyming, and a little thing called sincerity.
• Obama was actually sworn in today on the Lincoln Bible. Which, oddly enough, is a Koran.
  
• The White House Website got a little makeover. In case you don't want to bother to look, it's essentially Obama's campaign website with the color white replacing blue. Same font and everything. There's even a blog and they even have a fake news brief up about Washington changing.
• Chief Justice John Roberts fucked up the Inaugural Oath. Coincidentally he messed it up in such a way that it was actually the oath you have to take to become Postmaster General. Tragically Obama isn't really President now, but he does have some great ideas on shipping charges and stamps. Remember to put this in your "Crazy Right Wing Crank" file when Rush and Hannity try to claim this somehow invalidates Obama's Presidency along with the birth certificate thing, the Muslim thing, the black thing, and the Democrat thing. Historical fun fact: you don't actually need to take the oath, Obama officially became President the second the clock hit noon.
• The stock market continued to fall into the toilet. This was the first day of trading since Citibank and Bank of America announced their massive losses on Friday. Either that was the cause or everyone on the stock market floor heard a loud noise, got spooked, and decided to sell.
• Sen. Kennedy evidently had a seizure at the luncheon and had to be taken to a hospital. Sen. Byrd also had to be taken out of the luncheon due to his state after seeing his friend collapse. Both are fine and according to Chris Dodd, Kennedy was bitching about having to go to the hospital. In all likelihood both were probably just tired of hearing yet another speech from yet another President about how things were going to change, the American people were behind his agenda, and everyone needed to come together. It was all a ruse and they're both drinking in a bar right now, on their tenth round, bullshitting about whatever it is people who have been in the Senate for 1000 years bullshit about.

GTFO

h/t jsg

A These Bastards lexicographic declaration: Cheneyed

Henceforth, whenever a malevolent public servant whose battered, hate-fueled body is ceremoniously rolled into the capital on a rickety wheelchair for the express purpose of bearing witness as absolute power is finally and formally removed from his bloodstained, white-knuckled hands, we will deploy the transitive verb, Cheneyed.

Note: This term is also applicable should anyone be shot in the face and/or frightened into believing a series of transparent lies concocted to start wars and sodomize the Bill of Rights.

Wheels of steel

Admit it, this is probably the second time in your life Dick Cheney made you smile. The first being right after you said "Wait, he shot a guy? In the face?" God bless him for throwing out his back murdering stray dogs moving boxes. Now, for the short term, Wheelcheney at least looks as physically crippled as he is ethically and morally crippled. Strike that, there's no way for him to look that physically crippled unless he was some hybrid of Two-Face and the Toxic Avenger.....with one of those Tiny Tim crutches.

Now if only we could get to see what he looks like while facing charges for torture and war crimes. I imagine it's way funnier than this.

Things you won't be seeing today

See what happens when we collectively acknowledge a victor's legitimate claim to the Presidency?

Feels odd, doesn't it?

Bush: 8 in 8

via Keith Olbermann, aka the crazy man's Howard Beale, comes a mind shattering delightful little recap of everything you loved about George Bush and the Apple Dumpling Gang. Try to see how long you can watch it before you can taste vomit in your mouth. Just remember, we're less than two hours away from a new one to complain about!

Ken Blackwell has his priorities straight

Former Ohio Secretary of State and RNC Chairman Candidate Ken Blackwell has decided to take to the streets to drum up some good old fashioned grass roots opposition to President's Obama's proposed stimulus plan. Not only is Kenny afraid of the looming specter of Big Government (but not Big Unemployment or Big Soup Line) he's afraid of another, far more insidious repercussion: the stimulus working and making Democrats popular.

While only a few details are known, one overlooked issue is that it could create a major electoral advantage for Democrats at taxpayer expense. That would be unacceptable for what is being touted as a nonpartisan measure, and gives Republicans yet another reason to oppose it if not restructured. […]

But most federal employees, that are not political appointees, vote Democrat. Since Washington, DC is the seat of government, whenever new federal bureaucrats are created many live in Maryland and Virginia. In 2008, Virginia went Democrat for the first time since 1964, and Mr. Obama won it by 130,000 votes. Creating 600,000 new jobs might help cement Virginia in the Democrat column, making it harder for Republicans to retake the White House.

You fucking Democrats with your job creation plans and economic recovery packages! How dare you try and recover some of the couple million jobs that were lost last year and reverse the trends that show even bigger job losses this year. Have you no shame?

Keep in mind that Obama's stimulus plan only creates 240,000 government jobs, or around a third of what Blackwell claims, or that it also creates 700,000 jobs in mining and construction among others. Ken Blackwell thinks that we need to stand in the way of that just in case a competent and successful economic policy makes people like the opposition party. Yeah, I'm not sure this line of attack on the stimulus will gain any real traction with the people. "Sure I'm jobless and defaulting on my mortgage, but this attempt to help me out and fix this economy seems like it might make be appreciate a political party. Fuck that! Honey, get the kids, we're eating at the soup kitchen again."

I'd like to think that the crippling losses in the last two elections, as well as the general unpopularity of the Republican party and the state of the country after their streak of leadership had taught the GOP something. It didn't. Partisan politics always supersedes national interest. The problem is that there is a case to be made that Obama's stimulus plan has problems. It probably isn't big enough. But try arguing that and keeping your testicles from being cut off in the Republican party. DEMOCRATS BAD will have to do.

Handy Inaugural tips

If you're heading down to the Inauguration of President Obama today, the killjoys at Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies have a few suggestions on what not to bring to the celebration.

That's right, if you had plans to brandish your fake gun while shooting off bottle rockets, think again, such exultations of joy are verboten. Apparently they think no one will be interested in your fine collection of knives and debilitating spray eye blinders either. Sticks, God's most dangerous weapon, are a no go, after all you could poke someone's eye out. If you need to skin a deer and screw something in with the same tool the JCCIC says you're out of luck, that means no fresh venison to celebrate out nation's first black President. If you thought it'd be hilarious to use your laser pointer to circle the Chief Justice or President's genitals from 500 yards away, think again, the Secret Service might confuse you with a sniper for some reason. God help you if you try to bring a hot beverage in a thermos you fucking anarchist, you'll get tossed so quickly and roughly you'll think this was the third Bush Inauguration.

On the plus side: no posters or signs. So you'll get a brief respite from those "Hope" and "Change" posters that are probably going for a pretty penny everywhere outside the Inaugural Zone. Though disappointingly this means you'll have to wait until the next G-8 meeting protests to see giant sarcastic marionettes. They do warn that if it does rain you are proper fucked. You have to stand there and take it: no umbrellas. They probably think you'll be able to use it as cover to hide your private enjoyment of a thermos and a firecracker while Barry speaks. 

Finally the Committee advises that you not bring infants, small children, the elderly, or people with weakened immune systems. Not because of the cold, long waits outside, or your Pop-Pop's stated desire to stab an ex-President or two, it's just that these type of indigents sicken and disgust our President elect. Especially infants, but especially sick people. He's going to lose his shit if he's reading some line about hope (and the audacity of it) and he has to make eye contact with someone over the age of 60.

Other than that, feel free to enjoy the Inauguration and the official end of the Bush Presidency, whichever gives you more joy.

Gone fishin'

Steelers won, feel awful, MLK holiday. See you for Barrypalooza 2 tomorrow.

This will never get old.

Ryan Clark obliterates/Wes Welker's Willis McGahee. He is the human hurt missle.

Don't worry, McGahee is OK. He was moving around and ESPN says doctors declared him "neurologically intact". Still, one of the most vicious hits I've ever seen in person, and coming after the Polamalu TAINT was one of the great one two combos in playoff viewing history.

It is written...

Ken Whisenhunt, coach of the Arizona Cardinals. Did you happen to hear he used to coach for the Steelers?

VS.

Mike Tomlin, Steelers coach and part time Omar Epps impersonator. It's a process.

Sunday February 1st, 2009. Steelers vs. Cardinals for the NFL Championship. Super Bowl XLIII. 6 PM kickoff. See you in the trenches.

Stiller Sunday: AFC Championship

The game before the big game, the place where you acquire some marbles, but not all of the marbles: it's the AFC Championship Game. Today sees the AFC North Division rivals bang heads for a crack at the Super Bowl. The Steelers are 2-0 against the Ravens this year and as we've heard from the media all week it is a Herculean feat of near impossibility to beat a team three times in one season. Except, you know, when it's not.

This week was a busy one for bush league shenanigans. Our dear mayor, Luke Ravenstahl, changed his name to Luke Steelerstahl aka Luke Steelersteel. Baltimore's mayor Shelia Dixon countered by being indicted on 12 counts of perjury, theft, and misconduct of office. I must say I prefer our pre-game stunts to theirs. This is what happens when you don't re-elect Tommy Carcetti, Baltimore.

As for the game we all know this is a battle between two teams who are exactly the same, except for running games, passing games, big name big game QB's, unibrows, and number of murder acquittals. What's going to be different this game? How about a Pittsbugh space army. We control the skies in conjunction with the geese. Also, that bye week did us good. Steelers are healthy except for Polamalu, who has a calf but only missed one practice, and Jeff Hartwig, who went into catatonic shock over how well the offensive line played against San Diego. For the Ravens corner Samari Rolle is almost definitely out and the ugliest man in football, LB Terrell "T-Sizzle" Suggs, might miss the game as well, though he says he'll suit up.

So what we have is a banged up team going against a healthy team, a Super Bowl winning QB going up against a rookie, that rookie going up against the #1 D in the league, and a snowy game played on a field where the Steelers have won 7 of the last 8 matchups against Sugar Ray and crew. Negatives? Everyone at ESPN picked us which can't be good, Cowher era bad feelings left over from a few of those AFC title Kordell stink bombs, and the seemingly inevitable return to form of the offensive line. That said, we are the better team and we should win this going away. One thing we know is that we'll all be watching, either because we're massively supportive or deeply pathetic.

Kickoff at 6:30. Line is Steelers -6. Over/Under 34.5.

Baracklyn

Those of you not doing anything this June 23rd might want to hop over to a Brooklyn Cyclones game where they're taking politically themed promotional stunts to staggering new hopey and changey levels. Brooklyn becomes Baracklyn and a whole night is centered around trying to fill a minor league stadium with people who want to get close to Mets A-ball prospects and snag a Baracklyn jersey or an Obama bobblehead. As a bonus there are several ways you cheap bastards can chintz the team out of a $5 dollar ticket, although one of them requires you to be the other guy in this country whose name is Barack. As an added bonus HHS Secretary Tom Daschle will come out and relief pitch 3 innings.

The June 23rd festivities will feature:

• Alternate red, white, and blue jerseys adorned with the team’s new name
  
• FREE Barack Obama bobbleheads to the first 2,500 fans in attendance, featuring the President in a Baracklyn Cyclones Jersey
  
• The Economic Stimulus Package: From 10am on January 20th – Inauguration Day – to midnight on January 23rd, ticket prices for the June 23rd game will be “rolled back” to the Cyclones’ inaugural 2001 season rates: $10 Field Box Seats, $8 Box Seats, $5 Bleacher Seats. Beginning January 24th, tickets will be priced at the regular 2009 rates ($15, $12, $8)
  
• Universal Health Care: Free Band-Aids to the first 1,000 fans
  
• Naming Rights: Anyone named Barack gets in for free (Bring your ID on the night of the game)
  
• Joe the Plumber special: any plumber named Joe gets two free tickets – one for himself, and one to “spread the wealth” with a friend (Bring your ID and a business card or proof of employment on the night of the game)
  
• Bi-Partisan Consolation Prize: anyone named McCain or Palin will get a free Bleacher Seat (Bring your ID on the night of the game)
• A clear-cut Exit Strategy: fans will receive American Flags and discount coupons as they leave the ballpark