Democracy in action

New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg, America's benevolent rich political overlord, is setting records. The kind of records that make you glad that only billionaires can afford to run for any elected office of substance in this country.

Bloomberg, a former Republican who ran this time as an Independent, spent more than $85 million of his personal fortune on the race – dwarfing the amount Thompson raised – the most cash dispensed for a self-financed campaign ever. This brings the total amount he's spent for three terms to a quarter of a billion dollars.

For those of you scoring at home, he outspent his closest opponent, Generic Democrat, by almost 20-1. And he still had to squeak out a win. That isn't even counting all the money he had to spend to get the city to repeal the term limit laws so that he could run again.

Add this to the $22.6 million from his Goldman-Sachs golden parachute ($125 million total for all his political campaigns put together) that repellent loser Jon Corzine spent making sure he lost to fat, repellent loser Chris Christie in the New Jersey governor's race. Don't worry, the ultra rich former McCain adviser who tried to run Hewlett-Packard into the ground, Carly Fiorina, is going to show the people of California that they need not be ruled by mere multi-millionaires like Barbara Boxer.

Ahh, doesn't it make you feel proud to be an American? Right now, even as we speak, children are looking at this and dreaming of a future where they to make hundreds of millions in various business fields and thus are deemed by our media elite as "serious" enough and "expert" enough to run for higher office, or are, at the very least, able to fund their own primary campaign against the other billionaires that are running for the chance to run for the seat. *sniff* Makes you glad to be alive right now, where being rich makes you qualified to make laws instead of just merely having them not apply to you. It's a grand time.

Your morning election round-up

Fatty Fat the Monty Python thief squeaked out a win against the deeply unpopular Jon Corzine for the Governorship of New Jersey. In the Virginia Governor's race, some Republican guy beat some unpopular Democrat who thought it would be a great idea to run against all the stuff Democratic voters like. What does all this mean? Largely nothing. Sorry, excuse me for a second, what I meant to say is THIS MEANS EVERYTHING AND WAS A DRAMATIC REFERENDUM ON OBAMA! Except that it wasn't. But what this does mean is that Republicans are back and look out everyone and hubba hubba hubba money money money, happy days are here again, the death of socialism has been signaled, strike a Heisman pose. Except that it isn't.

So that's that for all the mega important governor's races that were all about Barry, except for the parts where they were all about local politics. Did anything else happen? Why yes, Mayor Billionaire, despite outspending his opponent, the Honorable whoever he was, 20-1 to keep his grips on the reins of New York City, barely squeaked one out against that guy he was allegedly running against, who I'm sure dozens of people could name offhand. Also: Maine hates gays.

Well, I guess that's it. I don't think there were any other races that would have actual national significance in terms of passing laws or doing stuff. Well, I guess there was that House race in California where one of those odious Blue Dog Democrats was replaced by a progressive. Then there was that House race in New York where the preferred candidate of Palin and every nutbag right winger in existence, the creepy looking, Glenn Beck mentored Doug Hoffman, lost a district to a public option supporting liberal that hadn't gone to the Democrats since Ulysses S. Grant was destroying his liver with rot gut. Well done, right wing media establishment! You can't get a conservative elected! So let me see if I have this right......the House got more liberal? Let's clearly not mention this again.

No, the night was a story of how the rotten Obama, drunk off his Muslim ass with all the liberal policies he hasn't gotten passed, got told by the low turnout defeats of two unpopular men who were expected to lose their Governor's races. The Republican party is back! Just not in a way that can effect actual voting on national issues. Thankfully, they still have Joe Lieberman to help them out there.

NYC Mayoral "race" art

As New Yorkers prepare to reaffirm their King vote for their preferred mayoral candidate tomorrow, I think it appropriate to point out certain similarities between the media campaigns of two very unfunny people....


As you were.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.20

Stumping With Mayor, Giuliani Stirs Old Fears
While earlier we were marveling at Glenn Beck's ability to weave conspiracy out of nothing, sometimes you have to show a little respect for the masters of the old arts. Like engendering fear of anyone with darker skin than the Irish. So please, a little respect for Nounverb9/11 Giuliani, who hit the stage for NY Mayor Bloomberg to remind people of the fear they used to fear walking the streets at night, pausing then intoning You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He then paused again, scanned the room and said "You know....BLACKS!!!" He then left to go dig up the corpse of a 9/11 victim so he could rummage through the pockets for any loose change or paper money.

Barnes & Noble’s Kindle Killing, Dual Screen ‘Nook’ E-Reader Leaked
Hey, can you hear that sound? It's Amazon shitting its pants over a new e-reader that is not only designed well, but is going to be linked to a Barnes & Noble operation that will sell e-books cheaper, be able to use books from the Google books project, and will let you lend e-books to friends. Lend them. That's it, game over Amazon, game over. If this thing can show porn, they can lure the lucrative 18-54 high tech pervert market. Which is to say, Sean and myself. He's been hankering for a well designed way to watch hardcore porn on the subway for years. Those nuns he sits next to won't know what hit them.

Wall St. Giants Reluctant to Donate to Democrats
Awww, and after they've done so much for the Wall Street community. Actually, this states that they aren't so much as reluctant to donate to Democrats, but to donate to them in public. Which shows they've learned something. Shame they haven't learned anything about banking, financial markets, or sanity. Still only half a dozen Goldman-Sachs execs are going to be at a Democratic Party fundraiser with President Obama. That sounds low, but you have to remember that most Goldman execs already have jobs working in the administration.

Secret Service strained as leaders face more threats
I guess we expected this when we elected a black guy, but it's always nice to see your predictions that American racist extremists would show themselves in great numbers come horrifyingly true. In fact the Secret Service is so strained at investigating racists that there's talk of them abandoning their counterfeiting and financial crimes work to concentrate on the freaks. That's always good to hear that a protective agency is so overworked from an overwhelming number of crazies. America! America! God shed his grace on thee. And crown thy good with brotherhood. From sea to shining sea!

Defense Department Opposed Franken's Anti-Rape Amendment
Charming. As if it wasn't enough that 30 white conservative men thought that allowing people to prosecute rape and sexual abuse as, you know, crimes, was too onerous a burden to the field of contract law, we need the Defense Department to second that motion. Oh, they swear they're totally against rape, it's just that enforcing Franken's law would be totally hard. Well then, if that's the case let's just keep contractor rape legal. We wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

New York mayoral race heats up

The shriveled plutocrat ticket just got a lot more crowded:



/From Burns for Mayor.

Broken News: New York City ponders Decency Tax

NEW YORK--Faced with a $4 billion gap in the city budget that begins July 1, Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that the city was considering taxing individuals whose behavior smacks of basic human decency.

As the Bloomberg administration waits to see how much of the federal economic stimulus package will make its way to New York, sources close to the administration claim that this option, which is being seriously considered, would levy a tax against any New York City resident found to be "conducting themselves in a manner indicating respect for the dignity of another human being."

The city has seen its fortunes dwindle with the collapse of the financial industry, upon which approximately 97% of the local economy depended. The budget shortfall has prompted city hall to look into slashing funds for everything from law enforcement to public schools to the day trader prostitute reimbursement program.

"We are quickly getting to the point where we might have no other choice," explained Bloomberg spokesperson Craig Ferlster. "And when members of this administration, day after day, peer through the tinted windows of our government-issue Lincoln Town Cars at a distinct lack of condescension and disdain for one's fellow citizens, we are compelled to take action."

"It all traces back to this economic collapse," explained Ferlster. "Our streets used to be packed with middle management assholes and trust fund scumbags who worked at these financial behemoths. When Wall Street went tits up, not only did we lose the tax revenue from these martini lunch cocksuckers, but the downturn either forced them out of the city or humbled them so thoroughly that their sense of entitlement has vanished. Without the financial industry to drag them down, niceness and decency are rising unimpeded and we have to seize the opportunity to tax the shit out of them."

Bolstering the mayor's case is a recent study commissioned by the People's Regulatory Initiative for the Constraint of Kindness (PRICK), a non-partisan think tank funded by the New York State Republican Party. The findings point to a sustained drop in class-based animus stretching back to October 2007, with the most drastic shortfall coming over the last six months.

City Deputy Treasurer Glen Hirschfeld allowed a hypothetical examination of the situation, noting that it was, "Important we preserve this great city's unrivaled reputation for rewarding wealth, punishing poverty, and encouraging all those in between to violently judge each other on largely irrelevant and fluctuating cultural trivia. And there's no reason we can't turn a buck doing it. After all, we need to keep cops on the corner, right? I'm asking that as a real question. We're legally mandated to provide police protection, right? We are? Fuck. Tax 'em!"

Surprisingly, New York's extensive non-profit sector had little comment on the proposed policy. Gus Freeman, lead organizer at the South Brooklyn Food Bank, commented, "Well, a general lack of decency pretty much explains why that motherfucker is mayor in the first place, so I can't say I'm exactly shocked. Only thing that surprises me is that he didn't try to levy some type of fine on charitable donations."

The general sentiment coming out of City Hall was echoed by several New York residents. Battery Park resident Marissa Florentine commented, "I am so, like, on board with this. Last week I was in line at Cain Luxe -- you know, that place where Lauren and Audrina from "The Hills" hang out? -- and when the doorman turned away this chick wearing Marc Jacobs at what was clearly a Ronen Chen spot, well, he was all, like, polite about it. I don't think she even saw me sneer."

Jacobs himself agreed. Speaking from the Kedem Sasson show in Bryant Park, the fashion icon explained, "I used to be able to walk down 6th Ave. and publicly defecate on anyone I caught with frayed blue jean bottoms or a 'Big Dog' t-shirt. In fact, it was part of my Fashion Week keynote address for several years."

Even former New York Mayor, Lenny Clotch, agrees with the impetus behind the Decency Tax. Speaking from his home upstate, Clotch said, "Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right!"

Bloomberg hopes this tax will allow the city to continue funding essential services such as protecting the subway line from CHUD and homeless army incursions, completing the forced sterilization of Williamsburg, and acquiring a 3rd base-side luxury box at the new Yankee Stadium to go with the one behind home plate. City Hall aims to have the tax in place by the end of March.

Only Bloomy can save us

Ever wonder how difficult it might be, in one of the country's most progressive cities, for 51 people to overturn two separate citywide voter referendums on behalf of a billionaire clinging to power?

Surprisingly easy, it turns out...

He is Bloomberg! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced a plan to embrace alternative, renewable energy on a city-wide scale. While details are still emerging, this initiative's earliest form calls for windmills on top of buildings and bridges, solar panels wherever we can put them, and underwater turbines along the coasts and rivers.

Bloomberg unveiled his proposal during a speech last night at an alternative energy conference in... Las Vegas... ... ...

Anyway, the pitch involved Hizzoner casting an inspiring image of the Statue of Liberty's torch lit by an underwater wind farm. NOTE: The Statue of Liberty, along with Ellis Island and over 20 of the city's federal buildings, are already powered by windmills. Still, kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it? Whether she's naked under that toga? She is French, you know.

While These Bastards applaud any transition from fossil fuels to more eco-friendly options, we fear that the Mayor's proposal, though ambitious, is overlooking a major geothermal option sitting directly beneath New York City. And no, we don't mean the Giuliani Homeless Furnaces.

Behold, the solution to all our energy woes.