Your government at work

It's been a long held contention of this blog that the US Senate is where all things good and intelligent go to be made stupid and awful, slowly strangled in an abandoned alley by a cackling horde of willfully negligent septuagenarian bastards. And that's our opinion on a positive day. This can largely be seen in nearly any and all debate on matters of national importance, but is almost always most clearly seen during debates and bills dealing with the attempted economic recovery.

I mean unemployment is only at 10% and it's looking like we're going to enter an entire lost decade of growth.... so who needs to treat any of this with any amount of seriousness? The Senate GOP can keep trying to pull the country down on top of itself with procedural stalling and Senate Democrats can actually be the first group of people in history to die of a thousand self-inflicted paper cuts.

Oh sure, the House has it's moments of horrid futility and stupidity explosions -like, say, when they're attempting to cut growth by $50 billion and cost this country 300,000 jobs in a myopic, ineffective, back-patting, meaningless snit about the deficit- but the Senate really takes the cake when combining large scale inaction and ineffectiveness with small scale fuck yous so petty that they should be delivered by 13 year old girls in text message form. Take the jobs bill the Senate is currently half-assing:

Senate Democrats are exploring whether to eliminate an extra $25 a week in unemployment benefits, part of the economic stimulus legislation passed in 2009, as a way to cut costs and attract Republican votes for a stalled package of tax breaks, tax increases on the affluent and safety-net spending.

Top officials said that change would save billions of dollars over the next six months and could lead to approval of an overall extension of jobless pay by making the legislative package easier to swallow for lawmakers worried about deficit spending.

Now they're just chintzing a couple of bucks out of people so that they can better pass a collection of half-measures that fails to fully address the actual problems this country is experiencing. And they actually want you to believe that knocking $25 bucks out of unemployment benefits is going to make people opposed to actions that might help an actual person, flip head over heels about the prospects of extending the entire program for another couple of months. But hey, I'm sure the deficit hawks and the Blue Dogs will feel good about the minuscule impact they had on the deficit when we're in year ten of a recession. I'm sure taking $25 bucks from the unemployed in the worst economic crisis since the Depression will get those people back on their feet and the economy back in shape in no time.

At least the Roll Down the Window of Your Bentley and Spit At Poor People In the Street Act is stalled in committee.

The only tea that refreshes after a hard day of demanding a Mexican prove he's a citizen

The racially charged immigration laws of Arizona have claimed an innocent victim. No, not the basic notions of fairness, freedom, liberty, or America. And no, I'm not talking about some innocent Mexican guy who was imprisoned. Please, it's only been a few days, that won't be happening for at least another week or so. No, what I'm talking about is the innocent victims that just so happen to brew beverages that now bear the unfortunate scarlet letter of the state of Arizona.

Opponents of Arizona's new anti-immigrant law are calling for a boycott of the state's products - including the popular Arizona Iced Tea.
...
Online, misguided tea fans vowed to switch to Lipton or Snapple.

"Dear Arizona: If you don't change your immigration policy, I will have to stop drinking your enjoyable brand of iced tea," Twittered Jody Beth in Los Angeles.

"It is the drink of fascists," wrote Travis Nichols in Chicago.

The problem? Arizona Ice Tea is brewed in New York and the makers of it only marginally hate Mexicans. It is however still the official drink of fascists and fascism. They signed a promotional sponsorship deal with Fascism in 2007 and it doesn't run out until 2014.

I mean if you do want to get outraged at innocent companies that just happened to be started by people living in a state controlled by right wing mental patients, you should point your rage at Cold Stone Creamery, U-Haul, and Best Western. Though if you do that just try and tell me who it is that will cart a storage truck full of German-chökolätekäke (kakke?) and Cheesecake Fantasy to your fleabag motel? Huh? Who?

I think people should stop getting mad at companies with 'Arizona' in the title, companies from Arizona, and various cacti and save their anger for the lawmakers who voted this in and the people who support it. Plus, we're missing what we should truly be mad about: the fact that Arizona's reality is killing Arizona based satire. Look, Mexico just released a travel warning for Mexicans vacationing or visiting in Arizona. That could have fueled a Broken In Brief piece at the very least! This is what we need to be pissed about: reality stealing the ideas of These Bastards. Which is horrifying, come to think of it.

He is up there!

Earlier today I lamented over the fact that our wished and prayers for physical harm to come to Joe Lieberman had been, as yet, unanswered by God. I noted that it was proof that we had been praying to the wrong God. Well, thanks to the hard work of Italian scientists, we now have an idea which God it is we need to pray to. How do we know? Because Italy's long standing prayers to see Silvio Berlusconi get what's coming to him have come true. Motherfucker got decked in the face.

Silvio Berlusconi said today it was a miracle that he was not blinded by the attack in central Milan last night that left him with a broken nose, two missing teeth and a cut lip.

The Italian Prime Minister was struck in the face with a marble statuette of the Duomo cathedral by a man with a history of mental problems who had managed to penetrate his double ring of security police.

A marble statue of a cathedral. It's the little details that count.

So I say we call up Italy and ask politely which God they prayed to made this happen. Sure, I'm more of a biblical type violence person, but if our elected betters own conscience, the media, voters, or the basic human decency isn't going to cause them to act with any regard towards the country, then a divinely inspired, mentally deranged man wielding a religious building as a weapon might.

C'mon Italy, was is Baal, Gozer, Anubis, or Muslim God? I have it narrowed down to those four.

Broken News: High School Reunion Completely Disappoints

MADISON, WI -- Last Friday night, 193 West Haven High School graduates from the class of 1999 convened at Finkle's Bar & Grill, a mere stone's throw from their alma mater, filled with hope for long-simmering drunken confrontations, unwise sexual congress, and transparent exaggerations of lives that would best be described as abject failures.

Instead, the West Haven alumni managed to stage perhaps the least-interesting reunion on record in the western hemisphere. Apart from a single vomit-filled ficus outside of the women's bathroom and a pair of D.U.I.'s, the event ran its course with a sadly remarkable lack of horrible behavior.

"Fuck me!" said Gregory Zemelman, former Math Club president who is now a civil engineer living in Chicago. "I'd been waiting years. Years! I got through grad school on the promise of heaping derision on some morbidly obese ex-cheerleader types who laughed at me for almost half a decade. All they did was plump up a little after they had kids. Not a single meth addiction amongst the entire goddamn squad."

"One of those cheerleaders even apologized for being mean to me 'Way back then'! What the fuck?"

Much of the disappointment with the reunion seemed to come from those who might have been considered less-than-popular in their high school years, but wound up finding no small measure of success later on in life.

"I'd have to say my biggest let-down was seeing Tyler," explained Lauren Adams, a criminal defense attorney in Manhattan, in reference to former all-city quarterback and student council president, Tyler Murphy.

"Seriously, my face cleared up, I dropped seven dress sizes, and I make more money than any five of those mouth breathers combined. During that time, not only did Tyler refuse to drink himself into oblivion or go to jail, the bastard went off and started a reasonably successful landscaping company. I hope one of his kids gets caught in a fucking wood chipper."

When asked to comment on Ms. Adams' statement, Mr. Murphy replied, "Who? Oh, her... yeah, I hope she's doing well and stuff."

For some, the realization that a decade mentally fueled by petty high school sleights resulted in little more than terminally misplaced anger was too much to bear.

"Ten goddamn years of that 'I'll show them I'm not a clarinet playing dweeb' and 'What'll those bitches and assholes think now that I'm doing all this big, important shit', and for what?" West Haven graduate Josh Harriot said, throwing his hands in the air.

"Not only do I find out these people have mostly changed for the better and that we've all grown up emotionally, but I realized that all the shit I was doing to 'show everybody' isn't all that important, or even good, and that no one really cares. Unfuckingbelievable!"

"The middle! We're all average people standing in the fucking middle!" Harriot yelled out. "I'm not lording over shit!"

In fact, 'People growing up and changing for the better' was cited as the number one reason for disappointment, beating out 'No porn stars in the class' and the fact that everyone was generally pleasant to be around. Still, some had other complaints.

"Nah, I'm gonna have to go with 'Hot girls not as hot as you remember them' as my biggest complaint," observed Ethan Wallace, a former member of the track team and current marketing analyst.

"The way I remember it, Chelsea Garrett was, like, the hottest woman in the world. Supermodel level, easy. Now I look at her and she looks pretty much the same, but she only seems nominally attractive. It feels like someone is messing with my mind."

In the end, after the crushing realization that they were all average people with average jobs who had gone through a typical, average high school experience and typical, average reunion, some placed their hopes in the future.

"The 20 year reunion, man, that's where the shit will go down," hoped Harriot. "By then we should have separated out a little more career and wage-wise, our children will have had time to grow into unmentionable fuckups or stunning successes, there will probably be a few divorces and bad plastic surgeries, and we'll really be able to do some nose-to-shit rubbing."

He paused and sighed a bit, "At least I hope so. I can't deal with another one of these mildly pleasant evenings."

Retribution

Well, we've done it. After years of planning, years of searching, billions of dollars, tens of thousands of man hours, the commandeering the most sophisticated equipment in the world, and the solemn pledges of two separate President's to bring him to justice, the United States has finally killed the mastermind of 9/11 Osama bin Laden.........'s son. Well, at least we're pissing him off some.

U.S. officials believe Saad bin Laden — a son of Osama bin Laden — has been killed by an American missile in Pakistan.

Saad bin Laden reportedly spent years under house arrest in Iran before traveling last year to Pakistan, according to former National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell.

It's believed he was killed by Hellfire missiles fired from a U.S. Predator drone sometime this year.

That sounds awesome. I want my death to involve the words "Hellfire" and "Predator". With the possible addition of "Bearcat", "Slaughterhouse", "Wall of unholy fire", and the sentence "Through his actions he was able to save both the supermodels and our beloved el Presidente." I'd like to believe that if we aren't at least holding him responsible for killing 3,000 people, we are at least picking off his children. This one was one he's met before too.

The only military question seems to be can you piss of a man who has dozens of children if you only pick them off one at a time? Can you piss off a man more if he's already sworn fiery jihad on your country? After we move off of killing people with the same last name do we move on to killing people that kind of look like bin Laden? The theory being that once we kill enough people with his features and last name, we'll finally be prepared enough to get him. Ah well, if we can't get the big fish at least we can step on a few minnows. If you're interested in the hunt for OBL immediately after 9/11 and why it didn't work, 60 Minutes recently re-aired a report with the man who headed up the team. It doesn't say if they were able to kill any of bin Laden's nieces, nephews, or beloved pets.

Quote of the day

Bushie, on just being a normal dude again:

“I no longer feel that great sense of responsibility that I had when I was in the Oval Office,” he said. “And frankly, it’s a liberating feeling.”

Trust us Mr. Former President, it's a liberating feeling for all of us knowing that you aren't President anymore. Frankly it's all that got us through those jobless, homeless winter months.

But lest his idyllic retirement life in million dollar mansions, free from prosecution, and even a basic realization of all that he did to this country is too much for you to bear, know this: he is handling dog shit on a daily basis. There is that smal recompense.

It was the first time Barney had ever been in an ordinary neighborhood, and Bush had to stop when the dog took liberties with a neighbor’s yard.

“And there I was, former President of the United States of America, with a plastic bag on my hand,” he recalled. “Life is returning back to normal.”

It's a shame they don't have a Great Dane.

Bush: petulant to the very end

President-Elect Obama made a request of George W. Bush: stop fucking up the country if it would be alright if his family moved into Blair House, the official state guest house of the White House/State Deptartment, one week earlier than scheduled so that the Obama daughters could start school on time. This request was turned down on the grounds that the White House claimed Blair House was already booked with a guest and they couldn't move in. So the Obama's had to live in a hotel for two weeks instead.

Of course it turns out that, at the time they rejected the request, no one was scheduled to stay at Blair House. When pressed into actually finding a guest to stay there so they didn't look like total classless, lying scumbags, the White House invited John Howard, former PM of Australia, to stay there for his Medal of Freedom ceremony so they could plausibly claim a resident. His stay length? One day. And for the other two Medal recipients, Tony Blair and Colombian guy? They made hotel arrangements. Clearly Blair House can only fit one man and then that fucks up the whole rest of the week so no one else can stay there.

Did I mention that Blair House has 119 rooms and 35 bathrooms, is actually four separate but connected townhouses, is secure and wouldn't cause extra security problems and costs that a two week stay in a hotel would? I forgot that. So congratulations George, I think that just about seals up your Presidency: completely self absorbed and completely petty 'til the last embers burned out. Before you leave. remember to shit in the Presidential bedroom toilet and not flush. Maybe get John Howard to do it.

We salute you.

Lieberman tries to back the train up

You know who the person most hoping for the Democrats to get 60 Senate seats is? Joe Lieberman. If Dems get 60+, that means he's still needed and they still have to put up with his bullshit. Anything less and they can gut him and clean him like a fish, displaying his carcass at the gates as a warning to all who enter. So he went out this weekend attempting to walk back all that criticism of Obama and all that McCain endorsing, promoting, and punditry he did. He's always liked the kid, you must have just misheard him for the entire campaign season.

Lieberman, a self-proclaimed "independent Democrat" who was chosen by McCain to make the case against Obama at the Republican National Convention in early September, said his comments have been within bounds.

"When I go out, I say, 'I have a lot of respect for Sen. Obama. He's bright. He's eloquent.'"

Yeah that's exactly what people thought when you accused Obama of undermining the troops, not supporting the troops, accused him of not putting the country first, and started asking the media to push Obama on whether or not he is a Marxist, or that big speech you gave at the RNC, "Boy that Lieberman sure is respectful." Sure, you always respected Obama, no need to take the myriad of statements you made and go and do something stupid like take them literally. No need to take your constant support of Bush, you refusal to conduct any type of oversight from your committee chairs, and sandbagging of Democrat initiatives as some sort of disloyalty. No, Joe supported everyone all along....in his heart.

Please don't boot him off his committee and shun him in the coat room! He's sorry! Though not in a way that causes him to acknowledge his actions, words, or accept any responsibility for his constant support of Republicans. He promises to be good. Though if you do get 60 and thusly need him again, these statements are revoked and he reserves the right to backstab you and strut around like his shit doesn't stink. That'll teach all of you to react negatively to his constant support of Bush and McCain.

Geopolitical wang measuring

Russia says to send battleship to Caribbean Sea

Russia will send a nuclear-powered battleship to the Caribbean for a joint naval exercise with Venezuela, Russia's Foreign Ministry said on Monday.

The maneuvers later this year will be the first Russia has conducted in Washington's traditional sphere of influence since the end of the Cold War.

Russia has heavily criticized the United States for sending a sophisticated command ship and two other naval vessels to Georgia, on its southern border, to deliver aid and show support for President Mikheil Saakashvili after Moscow sent troops into Georgia.

Kremlin leader Dmitry Medvedev asked on Saturday how Washington would feel "if we now dispatched humanitarian assistance to the Caribbean...using our navy".

I hope you didn't start thinking this world was governed by adults, trying to act rationally to achieve goals. Nope! It's a global dick measuring contest! Diplomacy has been replaced by a system of petty slights, aggrieved overreactions, spreading rumors in the locker room about so and so being a slut, nose scratch middle fingers, breath holding with feet stamping, and loud protestations of "Oh yeah? Let's see how you like it!"

We send battleships to Georgia to show 'support' and offload bags of grain, and Russia decides to send battleships to Venezuela to see that South America everyone's been talking about after they pick up some delicious coffee. Next we're going to flat tire the Russian delegate's wingtips at the UN, they'll wet willie Condi, and by early December we'll be at war somewhere. January will see a truce waived off when a pantsing goes awry.

Bush knows there's only one step he can take now to combat this incursion into our continent bubble. That's to get the really loud planes out of storage and start buzzing them low in the middle of the night near Russian border towns. That'll wake the neighbors. Your move Russia.

God exists....not quite effective

Small fire strikes Westboro Baptist

TOPEKA - The Topeka Fire Department is investigating a small fire today outside of a church whose members protest at soldier's funerals.

The Topeka Capital-Journal reports on its Web site that a fence and garage at Westboro Baptist Church became engulfed in flames early today.

Topeka Fire Marshal Greg Bailey said the cause of the fire has not been determined.

However, a spokeswoman for the church, Shirley Phelps-Roper, believes it was deliberately set.

Members of the church frequently picket military funerals, arguing that the deaths of U.S. troops overseas are part of God's punishment for the nation's tolerance of homosexuality.

Bailey said damage is estimated at $10,000.

C'mon God, so close yet so far. Unless it is Your will to smite them with petty grievances and low sum damage. Maybe a rash of toe stubbings, loose change losses, and pocket holes will change their ways. I would've moved up to lightening strikes and complete and sudden loss of bowel control. But You work in mysterious ways. Praise be to You.