Cheney: Bush will be popular in 30 years.
Good news kids, the sheer genius of the Bush Presidency won't be revealed until we stand waaaay back from it and squint, like some Magic Eye painting that keeps destroying our lives and country. He's "personally persuaded" by this fact, which is great. If you list all the things he's been personally persuaded by over the years it comes across as a list of catastrophe's, wrong predictions, and war crimes. Doesn't look good for W. Though I guess 30 years from now the Bush legacy will look good to the aliens who find the smoldering remains of civilization and can only find literature dating to late 2003. Even then the Iraq war looked sketchy, so maybe not. I don't think there's any hope for Bush.
Cheney Defends Torture: It ‘Would Have Been Unethical Or Immoral’ For Us Not To Torture
Yeah, I don't think Cheney knows what unethical or immoral mean. We've all suspected it. I'd ask someone to point out to him all the false confession and time wasting activities torture based interrogations put us through, or the complete erosion of any moral standing we had, as well as creating the biggest recruiting tool for jihadists they ever wanted, but that would assume he'd listen or doesn't already know all of that. The best part is that he'll never face any trial for what everyone understands to be criminal acts. Round of applause.
Bush: I Didn't Compromise My Soul To Be Popular
C'mon George, when you add up all the things you did compromise in order to earn every point of that record high unfavorability, from the dignity of the Presidency, to the rule of law, to the Constitution, to your morals and ethics, it all adds together into one big soul compromise. You just chose to do it in dribs and drabs instead of one big go. Also note the sheer level of whining he engages in about it's not all his fault and he had to endure all these recessions his policies greased the skids for and wars that he started and that we should give him some sort of credit for his Presidency having to deal with all the problems his Presidency created during his Presidency. He also claims he's not the new Hoover. Which is true, I doubt we'll ever get anything as cool as a kick-ass Dam with the Bush name attached. George if you're going to do all these interviews, can you not sound like such a simpering, whining wretch? Take some shred of dignity with you.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Picture of the day: Commitin' crimes for Obama edition
VIA the Smoking Gun, everyone who got arrested in an Obama shirt this year.
Obama: $850 billion stimulus
Wondering how much money it's going to take to run enough voltage through the decaying corpse of the American economy to get it up and moving again? Around $850 billion, give or take a few billion, according to P-E Obama.
As to the breakdown? $425 in year one, $425 in year two. Or more, it could be a $1 trillion bailout. But the worry is that if the bailout uses the 'T' money word that will panic investors with the size of the bailout, so they need to stick with the hundreds of 'B' money words to keep our Wall Street betters of the fainting couches. That was not a joke, that was actual analysis that was provided in the article. $850 billion: "O-Tay!". $150 billion more: worrying. Also, that's $850 b-words in addition to the trillions we've already spent. Your grandkids are going to be so debt ridden.
President-elect Barack Obama is laying the groundwork for a giant economic stimulus package, possibly $850 billion over two years, in his first test of legislative give and take with Congress.What's that buy you? Extended employment benefits, food stamps, nutrition programs, health insurance, job training, roads, bridges, transportation construction, and enough crank and PCP to goose the American worker into a constant state of manic awareness and enough energy to work 24 hour shifts and keep up production. The plan is to get half of Americans digging ditches and the other half filling in those ditches.
Obama's economic advisers are assembling a recovery plan and reaching out to members of Congress and their staffs. Obama aides cautioned that they have not settled on a specific grand total. But they noted that economists from across the political spectrum have recommended spending similar or even larger amounts to jolt the worsening economy.
As to the breakdown? $425 in year one, $425 in year two. Or more, it could be a $1 trillion bailout. But the worry is that if the bailout uses the 'T' money word that will panic investors with the size of the bailout, so they need to stick with the hundreds of 'B' money words to keep our Wall Street betters of the fainting couches. That was not a joke, that was actual analysis that was provided in the article. $850 billion: "O-Tay!". $150 billion more: worrying. Also, that's $850 b-words in addition to the trillions we've already spent. Your grandkids are going to be so debt ridden.
Cheney waterboards irony
Former chiefs of staff meet with Emanuel
Cheney had other words for Rahm, like "If you ever try to look into any of my actions or read any of my files, one of your children will disappear." then contemplated what different dead animals he was going to stick in Rahm's mailbox over the coming weeks. Dick then made arrangements for the shipping of his man sized safe and left.
One of the better things about this article, other then reminding us that, with Cheney and Rumsfeld as his Chief's of Staff, Ford doesn't get enough credit for unleashing monsters on this country, was the descriptor the article used for current W Chief, Josh Bolten: "Bolten, who is Jewish and a motorcycle aficionado,...". Well done, Politico.
Most of the still-living former White House chiefs of staff had already offered their two cents to Rahm Emanuel at a breakfast earlier this month when it came time for perhaps the most serious man in a room of serious men to speak.Not clear is if Cheney was joking, appeared in a spectral form in chains telling Rahm to learn from his mistakes and that three ghosts would be visiting soon, or if he was near death on the entry ramp of a spaceship, wheezing his last breaths out of the mechanical suit that kept him alive for decades. "Tell Joe Biden he was right. Tell him......he was right."
“The most important thing,” Dick Cheney told Emanuel with a sober stare, “is that you have to control your vice-president.”
With that, said a source in the room, the 11 other chiefs of staff and the one next in line for the job let out loud laughs.
Cheney had other words for Rahm, like "If you ever try to look into any of my actions or read any of my files, one of your children will disappear." then contemplated what different dead animals he was going to stick in Rahm's mailbox over the coming weeks. Dick then made arrangements for the shipping of his man sized safe and left.
One of the better things about this article, other then reminding us that, with Cheney and Rumsfeld as his Chief's of Staff, Ford doesn't get enough credit for unleashing monsters on this country, was the descriptor the article used for current W Chief, Josh Bolten: "Bolten, who is Jewish and a motorcycle aficionado,...". Well done, Politico.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Broken In Brief: Boy develops lame superpowers, feels gypped
BILLINGS, MT--James Anderson, 17, announced today that the superpowers he developed over the past two years were not to be used to fight crime or defend freedom because they are, "Kind of lame." The announcement came from the steps of City Hall after the mayor had issued a rallying cry to the 90,000 residents of Billings imploring all super and meta-humans to come to the city's aid in its war against invading Space Spiders.
"My fellow citizens, I just don't see the point. Space Spiders aren't going to be deterred by indestructible cuticles, the capacity to understand the thoughts of dogs but not communicate with them, or the ability to always file an accurate tax return without help." Anderson, clearly upset more by his subpar powers than his inability to defend his home, added, "And the whole 'bowel movements that always weigh exactly the same' thing? Yeah, pretty worthless. I blame the shockingly low toxicity level of the nuclear waste I stumbled into on that fateful and mundane day. I blame the EPA. Some good those environmental regulations did me."
This news was unwelcome to the citizens of Billings, who have been fending off Space Spider attacks for almost two weeks now. But young Mr. Anderson still has hope. "Yeah, I have the world's most advanced sense of apathy towards everyone I know dying. So I'll be able to muddle through after the spiders eat everyone. This situation shouldn't affect me too much."
"My fellow citizens, I just don't see the point. Space Spiders aren't going to be deterred by indestructible cuticles, the capacity to understand the thoughts of dogs but not communicate with them, or the ability to always file an accurate tax return without help." Anderson, clearly upset more by his subpar powers than his inability to defend his home, added, "And the whole 'bowel movements that always weigh exactly the same' thing? Yeah, pretty worthless. I blame the shockingly low toxicity level of the nuclear waste I stumbled into on that fateful and mundane day. I blame the EPA. Some good those environmental regulations did me."
This news was unwelcome to the citizens of Billings, who have been fending off Space Spider attacks for almost two weeks now. But young Mr. Anderson still has hope. "Yeah, I have the world's most advanced sense of apathy towards everyone I know dying. So I'll be able to muddle through after the spiders eat everyone. This situation shouldn't affect me too much."
No questions! More importantly, no answers!
Yeah, that went well...
SYRACUSE — In a carefully controlled strategy reminiscent of the vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin, aides to Caroline Kennedy interrupted her on Wednesday and whisked her away when she was asked what her qualifications are to be a United States senator.This is exactly what you want. Two steps out of the gate, already linked to some of the biggest Clintonian whores in politics (putting them in the running for biggest whores on the planet), and now your campaign is being accused of handling you like a barracuda. Keep it up, overbite.
Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.17
McCain campaign sells surplus Blackberries with ‘hundreds of emails,’ phone numbers still on them.
Mac's fire sale went off without a hitch. He pocketed at least 20 or thirty bucks off of the whole thing and is able to pay Steve Schmidt all the money he owed Stevesie for his trenchant political insight. Did I say without a hitch? I meant "by McCain standards". Turns out if you bought one of the Macberries you ended up with all the e-mail addresses and e-mails of whoever's phone it was. So if you want to read the stunning political back and forth between McCain insiders, go buy one. Who wants to miss out on gems like "Palin: WTF?", "Mac wants to know who this bitch is", "Re: 'How badly will we lose next week' pool", and "Fuck it, it's Ayers time!"? Grab yourself a piece ofhistory misery.
Black hole confirmed in Milky Way
It's official fellow scienticians, there's a giant swirling death vortex at the center of the universe. It's 27,000 light years away and four million times the size of our sun. They don't want to tell you, but it'll probably suck us into nothingness within a billion years or so. That is if we don't create our own swirling death vortex at CERN next year. Maybe we'll get sucked into the black hole at the exact time our sun goes supernova. For our talking ape ancestors in the future, that would be a hell of a way to go out. We're just going to heat stroke as we drown in our muggy Waterworld.
Bush's Interior Department Interfered With Scientific Work To Limit Endangered Species Protections
What if I told you that for five years a Bush appointee in the Interior did "pervasive harm to the department's morale and integrity and may have risked the well-being of species with her agenda"? Would you be shocked by that or shocked by the fact that there was only one person doing it? Sorry nature, you need to take another one for the Bush team. Try not to take it too personal. That's one of the benefits of electing Obama: we have someone who believes in science and provable facts again.
Cheney: Obama Will "Appreciate" Our Expansion Of Power
In what was surely the most frightening story of the week, our cretinous VP slithered out from under a rock and opined that Obama really was really going to appreciate all the unchecked power and ability to break laws and face zero repercussions the Bush Administration empowered the Presidency with. The interview ended when Scattergun Dick's God complex grew so big that it smothered the reporter. Cheney also noted that he was happy to fade back into the ether and looked forward to his post VP career of killing the gophers and rabbits that are eating his prize garden. The man always needs an enemy to fight.
Protests rise over alleged beating of 'shoe man' Muntadhar al-Zeidi
Funny thing about that shoe throwing guy.....he's subject to Iraqi law and Iraqi law is....let's just say it's massively fucked up. He has allegedly been beaten so badly in custody that police were unable to produce him in court and no one would be able to see him for a further eight days. As of now if he is charged with insulting a visiting head of state he could do two years in prison, but they could charge him with attempted murder and give him 15. Attempted murder, with a shoe. Look upon our works, ye Mighty, and despair. This is what we spent hundreds of billions of dollars and thousands of live for: a state where they can charge a guy who is a bit pissed over the millions of displaced citizens, thousands upon thousands of civilian casualties, the destruction of infrastructure with attempted murder for tossing a loafer at the nitwit whose bright idea it was to invade with no real plan beyond that. Sock and awe.
Mac's fire sale went off without a hitch. He pocketed at least 20 or thirty bucks off of the whole thing and is able to pay Steve Schmidt all the money he owed Stevesie for his trenchant political insight. Did I say without a hitch? I meant "by McCain standards". Turns out if you bought one of the Macberries you ended up with all the e-mail addresses and e-mails of whoever's phone it was. So if you want to read the stunning political back and forth between McCain insiders, go buy one. Who wants to miss out on gems like "Palin: WTF?", "Mac wants to know who this bitch is", "Re: 'How badly will we lose next week' pool", and "Fuck it, it's Ayers time!"? Grab yourself a piece of
Black hole confirmed in Milky Way
It's official fellow scienticians, there's a giant swirling death vortex at the center of the universe. It's 27,000 light years away and four million times the size of our sun. They don't want to tell you, but it'll probably suck us into nothingness within a billion years or so. That is if we don't create our own swirling death vortex at CERN next year. Maybe we'll get sucked into the black hole at the exact time our sun goes supernova. For our talking ape ancestors in the future, that would be a hell of a way to go out. We're just going to heat stroke as we drown in our muggy Waterworld.
Bush's Interior Department Interfered With Scientific Work To Limit Endangered Species Protections
What if I told you that for five years a Bush appointee in the Interior did "pervasive harm to the department's morale and integrity and may have risked the well-being of species with her agenda"? Would you be shocked by that or shocked by the fact that there was only one person doing it? Sorry nature, you need to take another one for the Bush team. Try not to take it too personal. That's one of the benefits of electing Obama: we have someone who believes in science and provable facts again.
Cheney: Obama Will "Appreciate" Our Expansion Of Power
In what was surely the most frightening story of the week, our cretinous VP slithered out from under a rock and opined that Obama really was really going to appreciate all the unchecked power and ability to break laws and face zero repercussions the Bush Administration empowered the Presidency with. The interview ended when Scattergun Dick's God complex grew so big that it smothered the reporter. Cheney also noted that he was happy to fade back into the ether and looked forward to his post VP career of killing the gophers and rabbits that are eating his prize garden. The man always needs an enemy to fight.
Protests rise over alleged beating of 'shoe man' Muntadhar al-Zeidi
Funny thing about that shoe throwing guy.....he's subject to Iraqi law and Iraqi law is....let's just say it's massively fucked up. He has allegedly been beaten so badly in custody that police were unable to produce him in court and no one would be able to see him for a further eight days. As of now if he is charged with insulting a visiting head of state he could do two years in prison, but they could charge him with attempted murder and give him 15. Attempted murder, with a shoe. Look upon our works, ye Mighty, and despair. This is what we spent hundreds of billions of dollars and thousands of live for: a state where they can charge a guy who is a bit pissed over the millions of displaced citizens, thousands upon thousands of civilian casualties, the destruction of infrastructure with attempted murder for tossing a loafer at the nitwit whose bright idea it was to invade with no real plan beyond that. Sock and awe.
No alarms, no surprises, Obama Time's PotY
In a move that surprised no one, our President Elect
is Time's Person of the Year. Or the guy who made that Obama painting is, I didn't really read it. To top it off he isn't PotY in that cheap way we all were when they put a mirror on the cover and said we were important, or in that "He's a complete monster, but he was important" way that Hitler, bin Laden, and Stalin were.
He isn't important enough for them to get a new picture idea though. Just throw a few texture layers in photoshop on that OBEY guy's work and call it a day. I like Obama's background, a huge windmill and a large dollar sign. Clearly the two biggest symbols representing his campaign.
The runners up were "Big Bank" Hank Paulson, Sarah Palin, Nick Sarkozy, and Zhang Yimou, the creator of the 'Saved By Zero' Toyota commercial, and the Jonas Brothers. So yeah, I'm betting Barry swept the vote.
Caroline Kennedy on track to inherit birthright
Good news everyone, Caroline Kennedy is winning people over in her bid to be appointed as New York's Senator. Voters? Democrats? Grassroots supporters? The blogosphere? No, party hacks and Clinton toadies.
I think our elected betters just misheard. We said "new blood" they heard "blue blood". There is something inherent in the Kennedy DNA that makes all of them electorally desirable. All well, I guess Caroline can just hold it down until one of the Cuomo's has to appoint Chelsea to a seat. Do Ed Koch or Chuck Schumer have any kids that are old enough yet? New York needs to take it's cue from PA, here we make our legacy name trust funders run for the seat. We'll probably only elect Chris Matthews by a small margin too.
When Caroline Kennedy first let it be known that she was interested in being New York's junior Senator, she received a chilly reception from Hillary Clinton backers and some members of the progressive community. Now, it seems, the tide of popular opinion is turning towards the former first daughter and Barack Obama confidante.Oh good, Harry Reid is for it. Though if Dick Cheney got up in his face about it, he'd probably support appointing Jeb Bush to the seat. But if total hacks like Lanny Davis are for it, it must be a brilliant idea.
Several prominent voices have lent their support to her political aspirations, including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Meanwhile, Clinton herself has let it be known that her supporters should do nothing to impede Kennedy. Already, members of the Clinton rank-and-file are sounding that very tune.
I think our elected betters just misheard. We said "new blood" they heard "blue blood". There is something inherent in the Kennedy DNA that makes all of them electorally desirable. All well, I guess Caroline can just hold it down until one of the Cuomo's has to appoint Chelsea to a seat. Do Ed Koch or Chuck Schumer have any kids that are old enough yet? New York needs to take it's cue from PA, here we make our legacy name trust funders run for the seat. We'll probably only elect Chris Matthews by a small margin too.
The post-election time is the right time...for love
So we all wonder how Obama is going to be able to work with Republicans the next two years. They've responded to Democratic control the last two years by filibustering everything, essentially making 60 the new 51. So what are they going to do when it's all Dems all the time? Mr. Barry already has seen this problem coming up and he decided to dim the lights, blast some Barry White, get out the sensual massage oils, and start rubbing down House and Senate Republicans.
President-elect Obama is waging a charm offensive on congressional Republicans. In recent days he has personally called at least a dozen ranking GOP members of committees he will need to work with next year."Mitch, it's Barry. Grocery shopping in Kentucky? You buying bourbon, Wonder Bread, and mayonnaise? Just kidding, can't wait to work with you. Toodles." Who knows if this will have any real effect, the definition of bipartisanship has been "doing what Republicans want" the past 8 years. All this might do is start them off bitching about how Obama promised to work with them and now all he's doing is offering up crazy liberal ideas about not bailing out billionaires. But let it be known: he's out there at least attempting to kiss the appropriate asses. Maybe it'll result in the GOP only setting a filibuster record over two years and not one year in this session.
The highly personal, hands-on approach marks a change for Obama, who has been described as self-contained and aloof and who, on the campaign trail, often seemed more comfortable speaking to large rallies than in intimate settings.
...
Obama has also called GOP leaders in the Senate and House. He caught Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (Ky.) on his cell phone while he shopped at a Kroger grocery store in Louisville.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Broken News: Blagojevich to challenge Kennedy for Clinton's Senate Seat
CHICAGO--Responding to the news that Caroline Kennedy has chosen to pursue the senate seat being vacated by Hillary Clinton, Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich today declared his intention to run against her. This surprise announcement came just after the Illinois House voted 113-0 in favor of beginning impeachment proceedings against Gov. Blagojevich by investigating his alleged abuse of office revealed one week ago.
Speaking from behind a large oak desk in Chicago, Blagojevich explained, "Just because I [expletive deleted]-ing [expletive deleted]ed-up the last [expletive deleted]-ing time doesn't [expletive deleted]-ing mean I don't deserve another [expletive deleted]-ing shot. After all, this is mother[expletive deleted]-ing America. How much does that blind [expletive deleted] want for this seat? I know some Indians flush with cash that are eager to buy a favor from a governor. He's gotta know I'm [expletive deleted]-ing tapped out since the Feds came down on me. Who do I gotta [expletive deleted] to get that money spigot turned back the [expletive deleted] on?"
Jostled from their peaceful slumber, journalists asked how the governor, suddenly bereft of virtually all political capital, planned to mount a legitimate campaign in a state he doesn't even live in. Blagojevich spokeswoman, Marissa Florentine, replied "The Governor is confident that he still has plenty to leverage against whatever ill will might emerge from what we urge you to remember is still an ongoing investigation. For instance, he still has a fetching wife and two young, healthy children who should demand a good price, even in these difficult economic times. Are you really suggesting there aren't a few New York State legislators who wouldn't mind having a go at the governor's spouse?"
In a taped call released by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to reporters later in the day, Blagojevich insisted that he expected good things from the decision. "It's [expletive deleted]-ing perfect! I've obviously run my course in that hayseed [expletive deleted]-house of a [expletive deleted]-ing Governor's mansion. But I think it's safe to [expletive deleted]-ing say I've made my name as a morally repugnant criminal [expletive deleted]-ing horse trader worthy of the United States mother-[expletive deleted]-ing Senate!"
Spokespeople for Caroline Kennedy issued a statement almost immediately.
"We have no comment on Governor Blagojevich's decision and wish him all the best in what we are sure will be a quick conviction and aborted candidacy," said Kennedy's spokesperson Richard Finnegan. "At this point, we would prefer that everyone focuses on Ms. Kennedy's declaration of eligibility, her last name, Camelot, her last name, back and to the left, and her last name."
When asked politely to clarify what else, exactly, the Kennedy camps would prefer the press focus on, Finnegan scoffed and said, "How about her candidacy? You know, the fact that she has decided to grace the Senate with her presence? What, that isn't good enough for you? Well, we in camp Kennedy believe that another pampered scion of America's most famous monarchy will help bring about the change this country so clearly needs. That's the thing you people all go ape-[expletive deleted] over, right? Change?"
Finnegan continued, "Who should Patterson pick, an experienced legislator with years spent running for office and fighting for traditionally Democratic causes? If he can find one that fell out of a more famous vagina, we say go for it." Finnegan then concluded by chanting "Ken-ed-dy!" in a sing-song tone that slowly and deliberately lowered in volume.
Asked to comment on the spectacle that has ensued since Sen. Hillary Clinton was tapped to assume the post of Secretary of State under President-Elect Obama, New York Governor David Patterson had little to say. Just after sighing and muttering something about "dumb mother-[expletive deleted]s", the governor, otherwise occupied with attempting to shore up a projected $1.5 Billion state budget deficit, promptly turned his attention back to matters that directly affect the 99.99999% of the population not chasing their next big payoff or merit badge.
Told of Patterson's comment, or lack thereof, Blagojevich said, "I got that guy in my [expletive deleted]-ing pocket. You know them sweet sunglasses? I'm talking Rain Man style? Got a whole case of 'em for the guy. Just for being prettier than a [expletive deleted]-ing [expletive deleted] on [expletive deleted]-ing prom night after she's had her [expletive deleted] fifth [expletive deleted]-ing martini. Do they make stacks of cash in braille? No?" The Governor then added, "[expletive deleted]!"
Speaking from behind a large oak desk in Chicago, Blagojevich explained, "Just because I [expletive deleted]-ing [expletive deleted]ed-up the last [expletive deleted]-ing time doesn't [expletive deleted]-ing mean I don't deserve another [expletive deleted]-ing shot. After all, this is mother[expletive deleted]-ing America. How much does that blind [expletive deleted] want for this seat? I know some Indians flush with cash that are eager to buy a favor from a governor. He's gotta know I'm [expletive deleted]-ing tapped out since the Feds came down on me. Who do I gotta [expletive deleted] to get that money spigot turned back the [expletive deleted] on?"
Jostled from their peaceful slumber, journalists asked how the governor, suddenly bereft of virtually all political capital, planned to mount a legitimate campaign in a state he doesn't even live in. Blagojevich spokeswoman, Marissa Florentine, replied "The Governor is confident that he still has plenty to leverage against whatever ill will might emerge from what we urge you to remember is still an ongoing investigation. For instance, he still has a fetching wife and two young, healthy children who should demand a good price, even in these difficult economic times. Are you really suggesting there aren't a few New York State legislators who wouldn't mind having a go at the governor's spouse?"
In a taped call released by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to reporters later in the day, Blagojevich insisted that he expected good things from the decision. "It's [expletive deleted]-ing perfect! I've obviously run my course in that hayseed [expletive deleted]-house of a [expletive deleted]-ing Governor's mansion. But I think it's safe to [expletive deleted]-ing say I've made my name as a morally repugnant criminal [expletive deleted]-ing horse trader worthy of the United States mother-[expletive deleted]-ing Senate!"
Spokespeople for Caroline Kennedy issued a statement almost immediately.
"We have no comment on Governor Blagojevich's decision and wish him all the best in what we are sure will be a quick conviction and aborted candidacy," said Kennedy's spokesperson Richard Finnegan. "At this point, we would prefer that everyone focuses on Ms. Kennedy's declaration of eligibility, her last name, Camelot, her last name, back and to the left, and her last name."
When asked politely to clarify what else, exactly, the Kennedy camps would prefer the press focus on, Finnegan scoffed and said, "How about her candidacy? You know, the fact that she has decided to grace the Senate with her presence? What, that isn't good enough for you? Well, we in camp Kennedy believe that another pampered scion of America's most famous monarchy will help bring about the change this country so clearly needs. That's the thing you people all go ape-[expletive deleted] over, right? Change?"
Finnegan continued, "Who should Patterson pick, an experienced legislator with years spent running for office and fighting for traditionally Democratic causes? If he can find one that fell out of a more famous vagina, we say go for it." Finnegan then concluded by chanting "Ken-ed-dy!" in a sing-song tone that slowly and deliberately lowered in volume.
Asked to comment on the spectacle that has ensued since Sen. Hillary Clinton was tapped to assume the post of Secretary of State under President-Elect Obama, New York Governor David Patterson had little to say. Just after sighing and muttering something about "dumb mother-[expletive deleted]s", the governor, otherwise occupied with attempting to shore up a projected $1.5 Billion state budget deficit, promptly turned his attention back to matters that directly affect the 99.99999% of the population not chasing their next big payoff or merit badge.
Told of Patterson's comment, or lack thereof, Blagojevich said, "I got that guy in my [expletive deleted]-ing pocket. You know them sweet sunglasses? I'm talking Rain Man style? Got a whole case of 'em for the guy. Just for being prettier than a [expletive deleted]-ing [expletive deleted] on [expletive deleted]-ing prom night after she's had her [expletive deleted] fifth [expletive deleted]-ing martini. Do they make stacks of cash in braille? No?" The Governor then added, "[expletive deleted]!"
Don't buy this shit: Pheromone Edition
That's right, kids. For the tellingly low price of $3.99, you too can smell like a line cook fresh off a double shift at your local franchise establishment.
Please note that Burger King rushed this scent to market and was therefore unable to conduct the caliber of focus group testing with which their fine products are normally associated.
As a result, anyone wearing the scent would be more likely to attract THIS or THIS than, say, THIS. Deploy at your own risk.
American monarchy: on schedule
Caroline Kennedy: Clinton Senate Replacement?
Sigh of relief time people. The Bush dynasty might be dead, but the Kennedy's are back in it! Now we can focus on the important business: what Kennedy will replace Ted Kennedy? Can we make an allowance for Ben Affleck? CAMELOT!
After a week of coy courtship and low-key feelers, Kennedy began working the phones in earnest Monday -- and signed up major Democratic fixer Josh Isay, who has deep connections to New York powerhouses Sen. Charles Schumer, Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the Rev. Al Sharpton...Kennedy Reaches Out To Clinton Directly
Caroline Kennedy has called Hillary Clinton to discuss her interest in the New York Senator's seat, a source close to Clinton tells the Huffington Post.We've dodged a bullet people. Someone who might have been not a Kennedy or perhaps not even famous or related to someone famous isn't going to become Senator of New York. Everyone loves a dynasty, especially when it involves no political career, never running for anything, and swooping in on a vacated seat based on the premise of "She's one of the non drugged out and drunk ones....right? I'm cool with that. What's she for again? It doesn't matter I guess. Kennedy is all I need to know."
...
Nevertheless, Kennedy's outreach to Clinton, who is leaving her seat to become Secretary of State, is another chapter in what is quickly becoming a fairly comprehensive public and private campaign for the Senate post.
Sigh of relief time people. The Bush dynasty might be dead, but the Kennedy's are back in it! Now we can focus on the important business: what Kennedy will replace Ted Kennedy? Can we make an allowance for Ben Affleck? CAMELOT!
Who could have foreseen?: SEC Oversight edition
SEC Didn't Act on Madoff Tips
Thankfully we have dedicated public servants like former SEC Chairman Arthur Levitt to tell us all that it isn't his fault and to shut up and go away already. "The SEC going back to its formation, and the Justice Department going back to its formation, are never adequate to crime at its time. It's simplistic to look back and say that this was the SEC's fault." Really? Ponzi schemes are so complex that that the SEC is behind the curve? I was under the impression that they were one of the simplest things to investigate, all you have to do is ask for proof that their holdings are what they claim they are. The Washington Post is under this assumption too.
I bet I'm wrong though. This was a mistake of too smart criminals and probably too much regulation, not totally negligent and non-existent oversight. Who could have foreseen this ever happening?
The Securities and Exchange Commission learned about what it describes as one of the largest securities frauds in history when Bernard L. Madoff volunteered his confession, raising questions about the agency's ability to police the financial marketplace.Bang up job SEC, really top shelf work. Who even needs you around overseeing everything, the market will just police itself. No need to act on tips explicitly explaining the exact type of fraud Madoff was engaged in, why he's a respected businessman, is friends with all the people in charge, and has a "good reputation". That means he's on the level.
The SEC had the authority to investigate Madoff's investment business, which managed billions of dollars for wealthy investors and philanthropies. Financial analysts raised concerns about Madoff's practices repeatedly over the past decade, including a 1999 letter to the SEC that accused Madoff of running a Ponzi scheme. But the agency did not conduct even a routine examination of the investment business until last week.
Thankfully we have dedicated public servants like former SEC Chairman Arthur Levitt to tell us all that it isn't his fault and to shut up and go away already. "The SEC going back to its formation, and the Justice Department going back to its formation, are never adequate to crime at its time. It's simplistic to look back and say that this was the SEC's fault." Really? Ponzi schemes are so complex that that the SEC is behind the curve? I was under the impression that they were one of the simplest things to investigate, all you have to do is ask for proof that their holdings are what they claim they are. The Washington Post is under this assumption too.
I bet I'm wrong though. This was a mistake of too smart criminals and probably too much regulation, not totally negligent and non-existent oversight. Who could have foreseen this ever happening?
Beat = dropped
From the good folks at 23/6 comes this mashup of cable news themes, complete with footage of Bush's soft-shoe shuffle. Enjoy.
h/t jsg
h/t jsg
French Terrorpocalypse
If you've been to the Huffington Post recently you've no doubt seen their breathless coverage of the supposed French Terror attacks. Big banner headline, many pictures, multiple stories. You must have thought, like I did, that "the shit" was "going down" and there must have been some serious co-ordination to pull off both a bomb in a department store and an assassination attempt on Sarkozy. Is this the new 9/11? Is this the beginning of a co-ordinated terror campaign across Europe? Are chickens coming home and roosting?
No, no they aren't. The assassination attempt, such as it was, involved a man being pulled out of line at the front gates where it was found he was carrying a knife and a taser. Apparently trying to taser and stick Nick on that part of the tour where you get to meet the President. He should have snuck the knife in his shoe, got a press pass, and thrown it at Sarkozy. The bombing plot, such as it was, involved old sticks of dynamite with no detonator, bundled together and placed in a bathroom, and a call from the terrorist masterminds telling the police exactly where it was. The Interior Minister deemed "There was no risk of explosion". The group responsible wanted France to pull out of Afghanistan or "Otherwise we will go back into action in your big capitalist stores and this time without warning you", followed by a "You big meanies" before retiring to their retarded French Cal Berkeley equivalent.
Clearly 9/11 Part Deux, and worthy of breathless coverage and headlines. Are we back to hyping every nitwit with a harebrained scheme as the next bin Laden? Great. Someone bump up the alert color to orange or whatever color meant "shit yourself".
No, no they aren't. The assassination attempt, such as it was, involved a man being pulled out of line at the front gates where it was found he was carrying a knife and a taser. Apparently trying to taser and stick Nick on that part of the tour where you get to meet the President. He should have snuck the knife in his shoe, got a press pass, and thrown it at Sarkozy. The bombing plot, such as it was, involved old sticks of dynamite with no detonator, bundled together and placed in a bathroom, and a call from the terrorist masterminds telling the police exactly where it was. The Interior Minister deemed "There was no risk of explosion". The group responsible wanted France to pull out of Afghanistan or "Otherwise we will go back into action in your big capitalist stores and this time without warning you", followed by a "You big meanies" before retiring to their retarded French Cal Berkeley equivalent.
Clearly 9/11 Part Deux, and worthy of breathless coverage and headlines. Are we back to hyping every nitwit with a harebrained scheme as the next bin Laden? Great. Someone bump up the alert color to orange or whatever color meant "shit yourself".
Monday, December 15, 2008
Well, it's official... again
Nice to see we're getting more of the bullshit formalities out of the way:
Think Cheney's ticker can take the strain of all that "respect for the constitution" stuff he'll have to endure on the 6th? I'd hate to see the old bastard croak before we can get the shackles on him.
Electors in all 50 states and the District of Columbia met Monday and officially cast their votes in one of the final steps in the 2008 presidential election.Sure sure. Constitution this, tradition that. The fun part? Are you ready for the fun part? Because here comes the fun part:
By constitutional requirement, each state’s electors meet on the first Monday following the second Wednesday in December. Electors must cast ballots for both president and vice president and sign six “Certificates of Vote” and “Certificates of Ascertainment” that report the results to the nearest federal judge, each Secretary of State, the National Archives and Vice President Dick Cheney.
On January 6, Cheney will read the results and certify the election in front of a joint session of Congress before Obama is sworn in on January 20.The sweetness of this day cannot be overstated and is overshadowed only by November 4th and the main event, the one we're all waiting for, 1/20/09: The End of an Error.
Think Cheney's ticker can take the strain of all that "respect for the constitution" stuff he'll have to endure on the 6th? I'd hate to see the old bastard croak before we can get the shackles on him.
Broken In Brief: Drunk thinks you should back the fuck... off
YOUR FACE--Without pausing to consider the appropriateness of the comment or the repercussions of his actions, that drunk guy has decided you need to back the fuck off before something bad happens. He came to this conclusion after five boilermakers buffered by Jager bombs, plus that Prairie Fire the bartender goaded him into drinking.
Initial reports indicate that the man outweighs you by at least thirty pounds and has a nose suggesting he is no stranger to barroom violence. However, the pause inserted between "fuck" and "off" was not for effect but rather an involuntary attempt to hold back vomit. Your friends, having noticed this, are starting to think you should tell the guy to-- oops, guess you were too busy thinking to notice that pool cue coming in across your left temple. The blow drops you to the floor like a paper bag full of cold dog shit and you find yourself struggling to remember your own name.
"Now what, you sissy fucking bitch motherfucker?" Commented the drunk as he began laying kicks into your ribs. "Look at me again! Look at me again!"
With the pain resonating down through the side of your face and the blood beginning to pool between your cheek and the floor, sources say discretion, in this case, might have been the better part of valor.
Initial reports indicate that the man outweighs you by at least thirty pounds and has a nose suggesting he is no stranger to barroom violence. However, the pause inserted between "fuck" and "off" was not for effect but rather an involuntary attempt to hold back vomit. Your friends, having noticed this, are starting to think you should tell the guy to-- oops, guess you were too busy thinking to notice that pool cue coming in across your left temple. The blow drops you to the floor like a paper bag full of cold dog shit and you find yourself struggling to remember your own name.
"Now what, you sissy fucking bitch motherfucker?" Commented the drunk as he began laying kicks into your ribs. "Look at me again! Look at me again!"
With the pain resonating down through the side of your face and the blood beginning to pool between your cheek and the floor, sources say discretion, in this case, might have been the better part of valor.
For conduct becoming a journalist...
This just keeps getting better:
TRIPOLI, Dec 15 (Reuters Life!) - The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at U.S. President George W. Bush was given a bravery award on Monday by a Libyan charity group chaired by leader Muammar Gaddafi's daughter.We ask you to bear in mind that Paul Bremer was once awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for, well, I'm still not entirely sure. Given the administration responsible for his receiving it, my guess is gross incompetence and war profiteering. Might have kicked a dog or a baby, too...
Quote of the day
Our Boy Emperor versus the tragic legacy of his inept foreign policy ideas.
BUSH: One of the major theaters against al Qaeda turns out to have been Iraq. This is where al Qaeda said they were going to take their stand. This is where al Qaeda was hoping to take–
RADDATZ: But not until after the U.S. invaded.
BUSH: Yeah, that’s right. So what?
The design paths not taken
Sol Sender, who led a design team for the ubiquitous Obama 08 sunrise logo and font scheme, was recently interviewed about the design project and offered up some of the rejected designs for the campaign. Honestly, would you have voted for a man trying to turn a zero and eight into an O and a B, let alone a guy using word bubbles as a logo? I think not, McCain/Palin and their militaristic star all the way!
Who could have foreseen?: Executive pay edition
Executive Pay Limits May Prove Toothless
This is why we need to take a lesson from the Iraqis, start our own shoe hurling 'sock and awe' campaign. It's all we have left. Though we're going to need some way to get the shoes back after we hurl them at our financial and elected betters, it's going to be a hard winter and we'll either need those shoes to walk from town to town looking for work or to boil the shoe leather for Christmas dinner.
Congress wanted to guarantee that the $700 billion financial bailout would limit the eye-popping pay of Wall Street executives, so lawmakers included a mechanism for reviewing executive compensation and penalizing firms that break the rules.Really Washington Post? "May" prove toothless? I think from reading the article we've moved past "may be" and "will be" and have built a big beautiful mansion on "are" street. The Bush Administration, in all its executive humping wisdom, decided to neuter the one measure everyone seemed to agree on by completely lying about the way it was going to administer the bailout. We don't even get to feel good about punitive measures, our ability to say "Well they may be getting $700 billion, but those executives will only have to get by on their seven figure salaries!" has been stolen from us. Not surprising, but still, another reminder of the huge exclamation point at the end of the Bush mission statement of "Fuck everyone but the wealthy!" This exclamation point, were it to be accurately represented in physical size, would blot out the sun for most of the Northern Hemisphere.
But at the last minute, the Bush administration insisted on a one-sentence change to the provision, congressional aides said. The change stipulated that the penalty would apply only to firms that received bailout funds by selling troubled assets to the government in an auction, which was the way the Treasury Department had said it planned to use the money.
Now, however, the small change looks more like a giant loophole, according to lawmakers and legal experts. In a reversal, the Bush administration has not used auctions for any of the $335 billion committed so far from the rescue package, nor does it plan to use them in the future. Lawmakers and legal experts say the change has effectively repealed the only enforcement mechanism in the law dealing with lavish pay for top executives.
This is why we need to take a lesson from the Iraqis, start our own shoe hurling 'sock and awe' campaign. It's all we have left. Though we're going to need some way to get the shoes back after we hurl them at our financial and elected betters, it's going to be a hard winter and we'll either need those shoes to walk from town to town looking for work or to boil the shoe leather for Christmas dinner.
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