Broken In Brief: New York City to auction naming rights to New York City

NEW YORK--Having shamelessly whored out to Barclays for naming rights to the Atlantic Ave./Pacific St. subway stop in Brooklyn, New York City is now exploring new feats of acrobatic civic rape in an effort to offset a local economy hobbled by the near-collapse of the financial industry. After lining up interested parties for sponsorship of the Manhattan, Brooklyn and Verrazano Narrows bridges, Mayor Bloomberg has begun seeking deep-pocketed suitors for naming rights to the city in its entirety.

Despite its recent mass expenditure, Barclays is rumored to be amongst the bidders for naming rights to the city. It seems that the organization's American taxpayer-funded acquisition of Lehman Brothers last September, as well as its longstanding stake in diversified interests such as Apartheid, illegal international arms dealing, the notoriously violent Mugabe regime of Zimbabwe, and good, old-fashioned money laundering have left it with ample liquidity and a persisting desire to plaster its bloody name all over bloody everything no matter how much it infuriates the very people whose business it is attempting to court.

No company executives made themselves available for comment, although spokesfloozy Marissa Florentine did read from a prepared statement at a press briefing, explaining that this coup would, "crassly extend our brand into the Unites States and hopelessly confuse subway passengers, which has been an endeavor of the utmost importance to Barclays for some time now."

Insiders remain tight-lipped about naming options on the table, should Barclays win what is sure to be a massive bidding war. However, Vegas currently has odds on:

Barclays Presents: New Amsterdam!: 5/2

We Own Your Asses All Over Again City: 5/2

New York, a Subsidiary of Barclays plc: 6/1

Shaftsbury: 7/1

Cuntsville (the vulgar American meaning, not the charming British one): 8/1

Thankswankersburg: 10/1

Unpronounceable logo of a ravenous Queen taking a large bite out of the throat of the Statue of Liberty: 10/1

Classy as always, New York Post

Want to turn a reformist struggle against an authoritarian, saber-rattling, anti-Semitic ruler who refuses to wear a tie into a cheap cocktail party joke? Hire a NYPost headline writer.

Hard to blame them, I guess, when you take a quick glance at the story's online comments section. There you'll find such gems as...

ghostoflombardi wrote:
Breaking News...
The World is in Turmoil:Brown People Gone Wild

(and)

Pure White wrote:
Turban Warfare, Mullah Buckers, Jew Tube !
I JUST LOVE THE POST !

Ready facepalm... and... fire.

Broken In Brief: Jindal apparently unaware he is completely full of shit

Above: Jindal shakes hands with his head speechwriter

BATON ROUGE--In delivering the GOP response to President Obama's first address to a joint session of Congress last night, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal stressed his party's commitment to a new era of personal responsibility, limited government, and a seeming inability to acknowledge blatant contradictions at the core of his political philosophy.

Jindal opened his response by recounting his immigrant parents' ceaseless optimism and belief that "Americans can do anything," before accusing the institutional manifestation of their collective will of being unable to do anything.

Slipping into the boilerplate Republican argument that government has never accomplished any public good in all of recorded history, ever, Jindal assailed the President's assertion that the country can be righted by collective action directed at the nation's biggest problems. The governor then proclaimed, "Americans can do anything. When we pull together, there's no challenge we can't overcome."

Jindal continued, "Nothing is out of our reach, so long as we work together from a safe distance and refrain from providing federal funding for publican education, scientific research, or infrastructure improvement. To engage in such pluralism would undermine the very individualistic ethos upon which this country's founding fathers, in a historic moment of unity, compromise, and self-sacrifice, first launched this great Ship of State."

This reporter was unable to pose follow-up questions, as he was still striking himself between the eyes with a cudgel at press time.

Notes on your culture

While over 400 years of evidence might suggest otherwise, occasionally your corporate masters do, in fact, get what they deserve.

(CNN) -- Denny's restaurants across North America were jammed Tuesday with patrons hungry to take advantage of the restaurant chain's Grand Slam breakfast giveaway.

Denny's announced in a commercial Sunday during the Super Bowl that it would give away its signature breakfast from 6 a.m. until 2 p.m. local time Tuesday at all its restaurants in the U.S., Canada and Puerto Rico.

Some patrons were still wearing their pajamas and slippers, and strangers were crowding together into booths, CNN affiliate KSL-TV in Salt Lake City, Utah, reported.

Thank you, America, for helping me through this cold, snowy February day. Just when I was ready to sink chest-high in the post-Super Bowl malaise of this idiotic, TPS Report life I've resigned myself to, you completely redeem me with kindling for the mental fire that condemns, with righteous fucking anger, anything involving sadly overweight people rubbing sweat stains whilst waiting for their latest dose of Moons Over My Hammy ®.

No questions! More importantly, no answers!

Yeah, that went well...

SYRACUSE — In a carefully controlled strategy reminiscent of the vice-presidential hopeful Sarah Palin, aides to Caroline Kennedy interrupted her on Wednesday and whisked her away when she was asked what her qualifications are to be a United States senator.

This is exactly what you want. Two steps out of the gate, already linked to some of the biggest Clintonian whores in politics (putting them in the running for biggest whores on the planet), and now your campaign is being accused of handling you like a barracuda. Keep it up, overbite.

No one could have foreseen that foresight was necessary

I know we've all gotten used to a complete lack of oversight these last few years so any competent review of government policy is bound to come as something of a shock. But this is just plain goddamn ridiculous.

The head of a new Congressional panel set up to monitor the gigantic federal bailout says the government still does not seem to have a coherent strategy for easing the financial crisis, despite the billions it has already spent in that effort.

Elizabeth Warren, the chairwoman of the oversight panel, said in an interview Monday that the government instead seemed to be lurching from one tactic to the next without clarifying how each step fits into an overall plan.

“You can’t just say, ‘Credit isn’t moving through the system,’ ” she said in her first public comments since being named to the panel. “You have to ask why.”

That's right. It took a Harvard Law School professor to remind everyone that the government should probably stop and think about its plan before, you know, enacting its plan.

randomusement

I don't think that the field of mathematics has conjured a term capable of delineating the number of times I have heard the following phrase while walking around New York City:

"And then he friended me on Facebook and I was like, 'what?'"

You all make me tired.

UPDATE: Nevermind. Found it.

WILLIAM AYERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Five Thirty Eight, the current electoral map based on state polling. For those of you who can't tally them up in your head like me, it's 339.7 for Barack, 198.3 for Admiral Ape Rape. Of note is the fact that Indiana and North Carolina are in play, with Obama having a 49% and 54% chance to win in each state based on 538 methodology, respectively. Barack has a 70% shot in Florida, a 47% chance in Missourah, 69% in Ohio, 85% in Colorado, and a 0% chance in Oklahoma. It's just not gonna happen there. Polling also puts the Senate at about 56 Democrat seats, allowing for the awesomest "Fuck off" ever to Joe Lieberman.

So if you're wondering why McWalnuts went batshit this week, maybe his internal numbers look like these. Or maybe he has an inoperable brain tumor that's slowly driving him insane. Either/or. With the election tilting like it has with the economy spurting up blood, JMac 3000 might even lose his vaunted Oklahoma/Alabama firebreak. Just kidding, they'll never vote for a black guy. John will stagger away with a few states. Try not to point and laugh at him children, he's in a dangerous emotional state.

That's some intrepid shit

Top headline on CNNpolitics.com right now: Obama expected to address change in speech