That just about sums up the past year plus

As the election season starts to ramp up, so does the whoring for political money season. Not that prostituting yourself out for big business' nickels is ever out of season, it's just that most candidate's internal whoring meter switches from "barely concealing the obviousness with which they sell out the average American voter" to "openly exchanging votes for a large burlap sack with a dollar sign on it, handed to them by a man with a monocle and spats on."

But what happens to a political party when they've spent the better part of a year trying to maybe kind of rein in the parties responsible for causing the global financial crisis? Plus maybe telling insurance companies that they shouldn't be such complete money grubbing shits and attempting to hold an oil company responsible for a massive environmental catastrophe? Sure, all of these attempts were half-assed, concession filled, compromise riddled, and willing bent over and inserted loopholes for the very industries they were attempting to regulate, but Democrats had the audacity to maybe question their corporate masters.

How did this go over with their moneyed betters? Not well, according to the Washington Post. With the Democratic campaign committees flagging behind their GOP brethren in the "raising money from the Monopoly guy's buddies" category.

Now normally, this would be time for Democrats to asses the situation, see how they're being openly criticized by unpopular industries and business leaders, see how close said unpopular business are to the GOP, and decide to make a stand on "standing up for the little guy against the evil excesses of the business world" no matter how dishonest that statement is. But no, this is Washington 2010 and these are Democrats.

In a Thursday interview, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel argued that rather than recoiling against Obama, business leaders should be grateful for his support on at least a half-dozen counts...
...
But, in the White House view, some business leaders listen only to Obama speeches being tough on BP or on the excesses of Wall Street and assume Obama is hostile to business across the board. “Rather than respond to atmospherics, they should look at policies where we have been supportive,” Emanuel said.
...
Obama administration officials also are quick to point out that Corporate America hasn’t done so badly under Obama -- according to the most recent data, corporate profits are up 34 percent from first quarter 2009 to first quarter 2010.

That's how you lick some boot. Why position yourself as some sort of champion of the people, fighting against the excesses of big business... of which there a a litany of examples with massively negative consequences? That actually might be popular and helpful. Good thing you didn't do that then, Rahm.

It explains so much.

Our Betters: The Vice-President offers to help raise some money for a good cause

INT. RAHM EMANUEL’S OFFICE

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: So, yeah, I’m going to need you to move those last two meetings around.

White House Personal Secretary Katie Johnson: Will do, Mr. Emanuel.


Emanuel: Then I’m going to need you to set up a meeting with Majority Leader Reid and House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank. We have some Financial Reform conference committee strategies to go over.


Johnson: I’ll schedule it for tomorrow sir.


Emanuel: Just one more thing…


Johnson: …OK


Emanuel: This time you have blocked out on my schedule..


Johnson: …Erm


Emanuel: It seems to go from now to either 15 minutes from now or seven hours from now, and has a bunch of question marks all over it. Plus there’s this cartoon drawing of what looks like a demented devil in a straight jacket, drinking out of one of those cartoon moonshine jugs with the three x’s on the side…


Johnson: You see, the thing about that is…


(dives out the window into the bushes)


Emanuel: Oh God, you didn’t. You rotten bitch! You didn’t!


(off-key singing of "I Wanna be an Airborne Ranger", drawing closer)


Emanuel: Shit.


(door flies open)

Vice-President Joe Biden: Rahmmy! I'd walk a million miles… For one of your smiles, My Rahmmy! Rahmmy-- Rahmmy, I'm comin'!


Emanuel: *sighs* Sir, that’s a little offensive.


Biden: Kid, I knew Al Jolson. Hell of a man. Literally taught me that song. Except I changed out Mammy for your name! You see what I did there.


(aggressively motions towards Emanuel, ice and bourbon spilling out of his glass)


Emanuel: …Yes. Surely you didn’t come here to sing an old, racist Al Jolson song to me.


Biden: Naw..... not entirely. Sorry I'm late. Was visiting the US World Cup team with Bubba and Barry, pretending to give a shit about soccer. It's a pastime of mine. Bill kept going on an on about their shoes, God love him. I finally just had to leave him.... I think he was going to try to fuck one of the players. Barry was trying to pry him off of Landon Donovan... Anyway, I have big things to discuss, Rahm. Big things. Hey, was that Flo that I saw diving out of the window into the bushes?


Emanuel: Yes…


Biden: Hell of a girl. God love her. Gotta remind myself to thank her for penciling me in here. It took a few weeks but I finally wore her down. I remember her crying with joy as she yelled to me that she was putting me on your schedule.


Emanuel: That poor woman. So what’s this ‘big news’ you’re here for?


Biden: Ah yes. It’s come to my attention that my reputation for using salty language in the vicinity of microphones during important ceremonies and in front of children when cameras are rolling has been of some considerable financial boon to this White House. Ducats. I’m talking piles of money, Rahm.


Emanuel: I assume you’re referring to those health care “Big Fucking Deal” shirts we’re selling?


Biden: The very same. Gotta ask, what’s that money being used for anyway?


Emanuel: Mostly for Organizing For America… and other… special projects…


Biden: Like what?


Emanuel: *coughs*cybortions*coughs*


Biden: Barry’s robot abortionist project? Outstanding.


(Emanuel taps nose, nods)


Biden: Anywho, I figure that makes me the official White House sloganeer. I figure I’ll spitball some new catchphrases and we can whip up some t-shirts and really start pulling in the coin. You know, let me apply myself creatively and help out some good causes. Hell, I’ve even been shootin’ some phrases at Flo over the past few weeks to see if they catch on and play with the kids.


(looks around)


Biden: Flo? FLO!


Johnson: (weakly, from the azalea bushes) Yes, Mr. Vice-President.


Biden: Have any of my phrases caught on with you kids? I’ve been workin’ ‘em into all my speeches and forcing my grandkids to use ‘em in public.


Johnson: I don’t know… could someone call a gardener?


Biden: What about ‘bean shooter’? Anyone using that? “Wise guy’? “Clambake’? “Schnook’? “Bee’s knees’? ‘Sawbuck’? ‘The gibbet’? “Tinker’s cuss’? “Queer as a three dollar bill’?


Johnson: Not that I can recall.


Biden: Aw hell, those kind of phrases were the cat’s pajamas when I was growin’ up in Scranton. I can’t believe these aren’t catching on. I just thank God my beloved mother has been struck stone cold dead, so she couldn’t see me fail like this. God love her and the timeliness of her death.


Emanuel: Look, if this is it… I have some meetings with the National Association of Teachers, and--


Biden: Teachers? I have a “meeting” “scheduled” with a teacher later on, if you know what I mean.

(leers suggestively at Rahm)

Biden: Sex. With my wife. Who is a teacher. Been sleeping with her for years. She’s also a doctor. Been sleepin’ with a doctor for years. Sexually. Name’s Jill. Got three jobs. Teacher. Doctor. Keepin’ Papa happy in the sack.


Emanuel: You really need to stop saying that in public.


Biden: Me and sleepin’ with a teacher… goes together like tits and grits.


Emanuel: Actually, I’ll stop you. “Tits and grits”. I like that. I might put it in my swear rotation. Might only cause the President to dock me a buck for saying it. You come up with that?


Biden: Hell, I’d like to claim ownership, but that phrase dates all the way back to General Stonewall Jackson. On his tombstone. “Tits and grits, the South will rise again. General Stonewall Jackson 1931-1976.”


Emanuel: He could not have possibly said that, had it carved onto his tombstone, and those clearly aren’t the dates of his birth and death. What are you talking about?


Biden: Stonewall Jackson. Fullback. 1966 Baltimore Colts.


Emanuel: I don’t think that man existed.

Biden: Who the hell am I thinking of?


Emanuel: I wouldn’t even venture a guess. Your mind is a tortured thicket of madness.


Biden: Outstanding. Look, since you like the phrase so much, we can literally start printing up these t-shirts and start literally printing up money. Hundreds of thousands of dollars.


Emanuel: I don’t think that’s such a good--


Biden: We’ll give the money to breast cancer research and the society of coarsely-ground corn manufacturers.


Emanuel: No, this is an awful…


Biden: I’ll get Barry, tell him the good news. We're doin' good work here, people! Flo!


Johnson: (from the azaleas) Help!


Biden: You call up and get me a estimate on printing costs. Rahm?


Emanuel: *sighing* Yeah…

Biden: Let’s do this thing. For charity.

Our Betters: The Vice-President hosts an international gathering

EXT. BLAIR HOUSE


Secretary Clinton: Mr. President, while I appreciate the steps you’ve taken to neutralize his involvement in the Nuclear Security Summit, I’m still a tad wary of what you’re allowing him to do this afternoon.


President Obama: I understand your concern, Madam Secretary, but think of how it would look if we didn’t have one of the Unites States' most experienced foreign policy hands involved in these meetings? Rahm here has assembled a list of low-risk dignitaries to distract Joe while we handle the big dogs. Everything looking OK with Joe, Rahm?


Rahm Emanuel: I’m not vouching for a goddamn thing that man does. He requisitioned a large grill, copious amounts of charcoal and lighter fluid, and a meat slicer. I saw the carnage coming from a mile off and that’s why I’m over here with you. That shit is Axelrod’s problem now.


Obama: I wonder if David is familiar with White House fire drill protocols…


EXT. NAVAL OBSERVATORY


Senior Adviser David Axelrod: Mr. Vice-President, thing are all set for your Summit Luncheon. We’ve built the fire pit, gathered the assortment of various rare and endangered meats you requested for grilling, and have built the sandwich station so that you can make everyone your signature... (sighs)... Bidenwich.


Vice-President Biden: Twelve kinds of deli meat, Davey-boy! Whiz wit! Plus lettuce, tomato, onion and my signature Biden sauce. Two of the ingredients are dijon mustard and miracle whip. If you want to know the rest, you'd better have some sharp knives and the will to use them! I’m thinking the occasion calls for some sort of extra spicy nuclear hot sauce, you know, to get people thinking about the dangers of proliferation.


Axelrod: Whatever. For now, we need to move to the photo-op area so the press can get some film of you greeting the dignitaries as they enter your Summit Luncheon and--


Biden: Feast of a Thousand Meats and Beer Blast!


Axelrod: (clears throat) Yes, your Summit Feast of a Thousand Meats and Beer Blast. Just shake their hands, pause for a few seconds, and let them move on.


Biden: Pressin’ the flesh, meetin’ the people. This is literally what I was made for.


Axelrod: Fine fine. You did memorize their names, right? Remember last weekend, with the flash cards...


Biden: Forgot them the second you left. No problem, I’ll just wing it.


Axelrod: In hindsight I realize this is exactly what I should have expected. Christ, here’s the first one now.


Biden: Hey pal! How the fuck ya doin’?


Chilean Foreign Minister Alfredo Moreno: Uh… not bad. Let me say how humbled I am to be included in this important world summit.


Biden: Fantastic! Look... you… guy. We’re just tickled that you could make it. You and whatever country it is you represent are critical to doing whatever it is we’re trying to do with nuclear weapons. So come on in, man. Kick up your feet, we got brews on ice. Dos Equis! Eh, eh! Just get your drink on and I’ll be back in a few to grill up some ostrich burgers. You ever eat ostrich?


Moreno: Can’t say that I have…


Biden: Damn, I thought you were from an ostrich country. Fuck it, just chill out, relax, chillax. We got lawn darts, bocce ball, the whole nine!

Biden: This guy! This... this is the guy right here!


Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboulgheit: My great thanks for extending an invitation to my nation.


Biden: No problemo, my man! How could we do this without... you!? You’re the guy, man! I'm guessing you're a big grilled-meat-on-a-stick person?


Aboulgheit: Sometimes. It is a popular dish in my country.


Biden: Fuckin’ nailed it! Scamper on back to the grilling area. I think you’ll find it’s a goddamn Turkish delight back there. Big hunks of rare meats on claymores roasting over a fire the size of the Lincoln Memorial.

Biden: NAJIB! You old pig-fucker! Bring it in!


Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak: Joe-Joe Dancer, you ornery son of a motherless goat! How have you been? I haven’t seen you since…


Both: The 1994 UN Summit in Kuala Lumpur!


Biden: Hell of a goddamn night! I remember waking up shoeless in a ditch on the side of the road with Boutros Boutros-Ghali puking into a hyacinth right next to me. I tried to call you to come pick us up, but…


Razak: I was passed out in the Imperial Garden of the Seri Paduka Baginda Yang di-Pertuan Agong! Without any pants!


Biden: HAW HAW HAW! I still don’t remember most of that week! Shit, get your ass back to the grill pit. We'll get shitfaced and play Pai Gow… if you can keep your dong in your pants!


Razak: You know how I get when I drink in the sun! No promises, you son of bitch.

Biden: President Jintao, what an honor it is to meet you again.


Vietnamese Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung: You must be mistaken; I am the Prime Minister of Vietnam.


Biden: My mistake... Hey, Charlie don’t surf! Glad you were able to get past that whole "us turning your country into a charred crater" thing behind you and join us at a nuke summit.


Dung: Well thank you, we take the issue very--


Biden: Hey, you know what rhymes with nuke? Goo--


Axelrod: Mr. Prime Minister! Right this way, please. The luncheon is out back.


Biden: See you at the cookout, Dung. Hell of a last name. Hilarious.

Biden: ...President Jintao?


Indonesian Vice President Boediono: …No. I must say the tales of your personality and demeanor hardly do you justice.


Biden: Phenomenal. Thanks for the kind words. I gotta say, I was a little worried about today. I‘ve just been in a funk recently. I thought I was raking it in. Cleared $300k+ this year. Then I go and find out Barry pulled in $5.5 mil last year. He’s literally half may age! It’s goddamn depressing. Good to hear that I’m masking it well.


Boediono: Well, as they say, money doesn’t make you truly happy.


Biden: They do? Huh. Wisdom of Confucius I guess. Lemmee tell you what I’m gonna do special for you. Your Bidenwich is going to have the salami sliced extra thin! Just for you.

Biden: ...All... right... yeah... shit, fuck it. Another one? You’re not Hu Jintao either, I’m guessing. What godforsaken country are you from?


Thai Deputy Prime Minister Trirong Suwankiri: I’m from Thailand.


Biden: What? Do you even have nukes?


Suwankiri: Not as such…


Biden: What are you doing here then? What could you possibly be doing for nuclear security?


Suwankiri: Well we consider it our duty to stop prolifer--


Biden: Thailand? Thailand? This is what I’m reduced to? Where’s Gordon Brown? Where’s Sarkozy and that hot piece of ass he walks around with? Thailand?


Axelrod: Please excuse the Vice-President, he’s under a great deal of stress. This way, sir.

Biden: Thailand? Can you believe this shit, buddy?


Saudi Intelligence Chief Prince Muqrin bin Abdulaziz Al Saud: I… uh… ooh… awkward. This is a most uncomfortable situation.


Biden: I’m Joe-fuckin'-Biden here. I’ve been on the Foreign Relations Committee since Lincoln was in short pants and the best I can do at a nuclear arms summit is a country whose chief export is transsexual whores? After the spread I set out? I bow hunted an elk myself…


Al Saud: I think I’ll just let myself out.

Biden: Now things are looking up! FROM MY HEAD DOWN TO MY SHOES! DAMN RIGHT, I AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ BUT THE BLUES! Yeah!


Nigerian Acting President Goodluck Jonathan: I’m not sure I get the reference…


Biden: FROM MY HEAD DOWN TO MY SHOES! I CAN’T WIN CUZ I GOT NOTHIN’ TO LOSE!! Buddy Guy! At my summit bash!


Jonathan: No, I’m the Nigerian President.


Biden: Fuck! Nothing is going right today. I assume that unless the world has turned to real shit, Nigeria doesn’t have nukes either?


Jonathan: No. But in an anecdote that I am sure you will find amusing, my first name is Goodluck.


Biden: Goodluck? HAW HAW that is hilarious! That isn’t a first name! Lemme guess, that’s just what people kept saying to you whenever you said you were Nigeria’s President? Outstanding. And your last name is a first name! HAW HAW HAW! I’m gonna tell Davesy to give you extra ‘fixins.


Jonathan: I thought you would be amused by such banalities.


(Jonathan walks off, leaving the VP alone in his thoughts)

Biden: They fobbed off all the losers on me. Me… Joe Biden...


Axelrod: Cheer up. It was probably because they knew you’d make them feel important, like they mattered, like there was a purpose in having Morocco at a nuclear summit. They knew you’d treat them like VIP’s.


Biden: That must be it. Hell, you know how to buck a man up, Axehandle. Hell, it’s not so bad. Got some beers, gonna be cookin’ up some food, gonna show the world the culinary masterpiece known as the Bidenwich! You’re right, it’s gonna be a hell of a day! Where’s Najib? We're gonna tie one on and crank call Harry Reid!


Axelrod: Mr. Vice-President, please put your shirt back on.

Our Betters: Joe Cares About the Planet

INT. OVAL OFFICE

Rahm Emanuel: Mr. President, after last week I really don't think we should put Joe in charge of anything too major. Or public. This is a big deal and it means a lot to many of your supporters and fellow lawmakers. There's no reason we can't go with a safer choice.

President Barack Obama: Rahm, I understand your concerns and I sympathize with you, I really do. But he needs a bit of a morale boost and I think he’ll rise to the challenge. You know, this is going to sound absurd, but ever since he was President last week--

Emanuel: He wasn’t President.

Obama: Well, I’ve been noticing a lot of extra cheese in my meals. It’s been the best dining week of my life. I think I owe that to him. I think he’s earned this chance.

Emanuel: I think this is going to blow up in our gosh darn faces.

Obama: Keepin' that language in check. Good boy!

(tosses Rahm a treat)

Emanuel: (chewing) Thanks. All right, sir, where is the Vice-President?

Obama: I think Katie said the sound of hard ass slapping and jocular guffawing was heard near the West Wing.

(off key singing of “Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)”, drawing closer)

Obama: Here we are.

(door flies open)

Vice-President Joe Biden: Fellas! How the hell are you?

(looks around)

Biden: What do you think, is all this shit in here compostable? Biodegradable? Carbon neutral?

(slaps Obama on the ass, then on the Blackberry holster)

Biden: How many amps is this bastard pumping out?

Obama: Joe, that’s not wise, I think you--

Biden: Just wanted to show you how seriously I’m taking this environmental thing now that you’ve put me in charge of the entire Earth Day.

Emanuel: The White House celebration of Earth Day.

Biden: Like I said, the entire Earth Day. Man, what an honor. I literally have one hell of a day planned.

Obama: We are certainly interested in hearing your proposal.

Rahm: (mumbling) Like I'm interested in a fucking catheter.

(Obama shoots Rahm and angry glance)

Biden: Aw hell, it’s fantastic. We start off with some tree-plantin’ ceremonies, kids of all ethnicities holding hands and shit. Then we move to Al Gore giving his giant presentation at the Mall, a green technology exhibition at the Smithsonian, and we finish it off with a nighttime concert by Skynyrd powered entirely by wind.

(a few seconds of deafening silence, which Biden doesn't seem to notice)

Obama: You know, that doesn’t sound half-bad.

Emanuel: Yeah… I’m almost kind of impressed. And suddenly terrified.

Biden: That’s not even the best part. I’m fixin’ to set up a bona fide coup de grace. Big talent. Sinatra big! Speaking of…. Flo!!! FLO!!!

(voice comes from outside Oval Office)

Presidential Secretary Katie Johnson: *sighs* Yes, Mr. Vice-President?

Biden: Where is our guest of honor?

Johnson: He just arrived at the front door, he should be here any moment.

Biden: Aw hell. Guys, could you do me a favor? I really need to impress this guy and it won't help if I have you two standin’ behind me while I’m trying to finalize a deal on saving the planet. You guys mind clearing out?

Obama: This is my office, Joe, and we have a great deal of bus--

Biden: Phenomenal! Thanks for helping a guy out.

(Shoves Emanuel and Obama through the back entrance to the Oval Office)

Biden: Oh God, I hope this goes well. Oh God, oh God...

(door flies open)


James Cameron: Mr. Vice-President! I SEE YOU!

Biden: Jimmy! I can see you too. Eyes. Hell of a thing.

Cameron: No. I… SEE... YOU.

Biden: Stellar. Come sit down, let’s talk. Jimbo, I saw Avatar with one of my grandkids. Loved it. Had a hell of a time. Cat monkeys. Tree cities. Sigourney Weaver. 3-D. Hell that damn red dragon thing scared me so bad my 5 year old granddaughter could barely get me to look back at the screen.

Cameron: I’m glad you enjoyed it my monumentally important film that was a game-changer in terms of the way movies are presented to an audience. That I made.

Biden: I wouldn’t know about that. Last film I saw in theatres was Bringing Up Baby. But my granddaughter, Janice is her name… wait… FLO!!!

Johnson: Yes.

Biden: Is Janice the one I saw the blue Pocahontas cat monkey movie with?

Johnson: I’m fairly sure you don’t have a granddaughter named Janice.

Biden: Then who the hell am I thinking of? I’m not thinking of that sexy musician muppet, am I?

Johnson: I wouldn’t even know where to begin…

(Biden turns back to Cameron)

Biden: Anyway, the brown-haired granddaughter told me that Avatar had a strong environmental message. So naturally, I think you’d be a perfect fit as the guest of honor for our Earth Day ceremonies.

Cameron: Yes, the environment is very important to me. That’s why I’m releasing Avatar on DVD and Blu-Ray this Earth Day. For me, the fight for the earth is a cause comparable to World War II. That’s why I used my movie that I made as a brilliantly subtle attack on militarism and anti-environmentalism. I can’t stand those who stand in the way of climate progress. I want to call those deniers out into the street at high noon and shoot it out with those boneheads. Anybody that is a global-warming denier at this point in time has got their head so deeply up their ass I’m not sure they could hear me.

Biden: Superb. I literally love that imagery. So it’s settled then: you’ll be the guest of honor, maybe we’ll do a special screening of Avatar, you can meet Janice, and I’ll get to ride one of those giant mechs with the huge Bowie knives.

Cameron: Agreed. Except about the mech part. Those were computer-generated mechs, Joe. I know I can make a convincing epic that blows your mind with how photo real and game changing it is that I made but those mechs weren’t real. Clearly.

Biden: Outta sight. I can’t wait to climb in one, maybe make Harry Reid shit himself again! But listen, this Earth Day thing isn’t the only reason I called you in. I may be the Veep, but that’s only a part time gig, Jim-Jam. I’m also a dynamic creative force, just like you.

(moves uncomfortably close to Cameron)

Biden: I got this idea for a movie. It’s the future and everyone is an orange dog person. Because of the environment. And there’s this guy and he’s the chosen guy. Huge deal. Up and comer. Real sad back story about losing family. Life spent on the Intergalactic Relations Committee. Then, just when he thinks he’s about to assume his rightful place as Space Leader of The Space Planet, a younger, darker orange dog guy cuts in front and relegates our hero to Vice-Space Leader. And they yell at him, send him on embarrassing diplomatic mission to Neo-Israel, talk about him behind his back, and are all like “Joe, stop abusing Harry Reid! Joe, Friday is not pants optional! Joe, stay out of the Presidential residence after midnight, you’re scaring the children!”

Cameron: What?

Biden: So you think you’ll make it? I figure I pick up a fee and some points on the back end. Some real Fuck You money, ya know? Who am I kidding, of course you know! You're Jimmy C!

Cameron: Listen, i don't care about money, I care about saving the world for my kids. That I made. How about that? Impressed? Of course you are.

Biden: I even have the hit theme figured out. Its a little scat-based number I came up with. Forget Celine Dion, I’ll power this baby to #1 myself.

Biden: SKEE DOPPLE BE DOPPLE DEE DOPPLE DWEE!

Biden: YEAAAAAAAAH! WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!

Biden: OOOOOOO! SKEE WOOZLE BE DOOZLE BE DOPPLE DWEE DUM!

Biden: OH! SKEE DOPPLE BE DOPPLLE DWEEEEEE!

Biden: Croonin'! What do you think?

Cameron: The whole enterprise is a little hackneyed and unoriginal, even by my standards.

Biden: Look, you can either be a part of this Earth Day thing, give me a mech, and produce my movie or... maybe you’re the next US film ambassador to Kabul. You ever been to Kabul? Worse than Scranton.

Cameron: You know, now that I think about it, this just might work. And I know Michael Biehn is available…

Biden: Glad you see it my way.

Our Betters: Joe assesses a successful first week

INT. OVAL OFFICE


Rahm Emanuel: Listen, I don’t know what to do at this point. The POTUS wants his ass out of this office as fast as humanly possible, but with minimal ego bruising. We’ve been trying for the past few days, but he just doesn’t seem to get the hint. You’ve worked with him for a while, maybe you have some ideas.


Ronald Klain: Don’t put this shit on me. I may be his Chief of Staff, but that doesn’t mean I know how that tangled snarl of madness between his ears works.

Emanuel: Fuck that! This situation needs to be rectified! Where is he?

Klain: I have no idea… wait….

(perks ears up)

Klain: I think….

(distant sound of ass slapping)

Klain: He draws near…

(off-key singing of "Hail to the Chief", drawing closer)

Klain: Three... two...

(door flies open)


President Joe Biden: Fellas! How the hell are you doing? I feel like I could literally run through a brick wall, cock-first!

(slaps both on the ass, hard)

Biden: My old Chief of Staff and my new Chief of Staff together. Rumblin’, tumblin’, swapping notes, talkin’ shop. Fantastic! Ronnie buddy, I miss the hell out of you!

(awkwardly massages Klain’s shoulders)

Biden: Enough of that sentimental horseshit. It’s time we got down to the hard business of discussing the Biden Presidency.

Emanuel: Yeah… about that. You see…

Biden: I think it’s been a pretty damn good first few days, if you don’t mind my saying. We’ve hit the ground running.

Klain: No, see…

Biden: We’re literally fixin’ the problems of the American people. But I have my concerns about how smoothly the Biden Presidency is running…

Emanuel: Sir, you aren’t President. As we’ve made clear: just because President Obama went to Kabul doesn’t mean he “abdicated” or that you were in charge or anything. You are not the President.

Biden: Now, these concerns about my Presidency aren’t a reflection on any problems I have with you Rahm, or how smoothly you’ve run things. But I want things smoother. Baby’s ass smooth! That’s the kind of ship I used to run when I was the Veep, right Ron Jovi?

Klain: *sighs* You’re still the Vice-President…

Biden: First order of business: Michelle. Is she my wife now? Because I already have a wife. Jill. Doctor. Hell of a lass. I’m not saying’ Papa Joe wouldn’t mind a little double trouble, but there was some tension last night at dinner. I didn’t know whether to kiss Michelle or which of the little ones was Sasha and which one was Malia or what. Can I get a ruling?

Emanuel: You aren’t the fucking President. Michelle Obama isn’t your wife. Stay out of the residence. I don’t know why you would even think…

Biden: Second order of business….. Flo! FLO!!!

(a voice comes from outside the Oval Office)


Katherine Johnson: For the last time Mr. Vice-President my name is not “Flo”. My name is Katherine. Some people even choose to call me Katie…

Biden: Outstanding, Flo. How ‘bout you get us men a couple of scotches and sodas and some scotches without soda. Am I right!

(Biden punches Klain in the sternum, laughs.)

Johnson: Again, I am not a drinks girl. Nor am I here to get your laundry. I am the Personal Secretary to the President. And again, you are not the President.


Biden: Women in the workplace! Unbelievable. Now, back to what I was saying. I think that there are some staffing problems in my White House.

Emanuel: Dear God, shut up and leave.

Biden: I’m talking about the kitchen staff, mostly. Had a five-cheese pasta with my wife, Michelle, and the kids last night. I swear… I could only taste four.


Biden: Fontina… I think it was missing fontina....

(snaps back)


Biden: Anyway… you know what? FLO!!!

Johnson: Mr. Vice-Pres…

Biden: Belay that drink order. Get the entire White House staff up here right now.

Johnson: *sighs and dies a little inside* Fine.

Biden: Time to get down a jaw with them, Biden style. Right, Ronstoppable?

(White House staff crowds into Oval Office)


Biden: Come on in, make yourselves comfortable. People, I think this new Administration has the chance to be great, literally great. But it isn’t just us suits in the offices drinkin’ hot toddies that make the gears of this country spin; it’s the little people too. Lemme relate to you an unrelated story.

Klain: Oh God…

(Biden clears throat, wells up with pride)

Biden: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m from Scranton. Awful place. But back there they had a swimmin’ hole in a quarry that we used to dive in to from literally a hundred feet up. And we’d dive into it. The frightening part was you go down really far, I mean literally really far. So deep it's totally black. Your chest constricts, you panic and you don't know whether you're swimming down or up. But when you get about 12 to 14 feet from the top you see light and everything is OK. You're still 12 feet underwater, but it's OK. You see light.

(puzzled staff looks at Emanuel and Klain)

Biden: That's the American people, man. We've gotta give them light.

(strolls into the audience, pointing with both hands toward a sun-lit windows)

Emanuel: What the fuck?

Biden: So just give them the light. Whether it’s stopping yourself from calling me the Vice-President or not skimping on cheeses in dinner dishes or siding with the First Lady when she throws me out of the Presidential bed… we gotta get this ship tightened up! For the American people!

(smoke begins wafting in under the Oval Office door)

Emanuel: Thank fucking God.

(door flies open, cigarette smoke envelopes the room)


President Barack Obama: What the fuck is going on? Why is the entire goddamn staff in here? No one’s giving tours, opening doors, keeping watch, doing work. Seriously, what the fuck?

Biden: Barry! Well, you see... what was…

Obama: A 14-hour overnight flight from Kabul and I come back to this shit? For the last time, Joe, get the fuck out of my office and back to the Vice-Presidential residence. Don't make me ship you to the Middle East again.


Vice-President Joe Biden: *mumbling* Yes sir.

(does Charlie Brown walk out of Oval Office)

Obama: Everyone leave! Go do your jobs! This is supposed to be a serious place of business.

(everyone exits the Oval Office)

Emanuel: Thank you. We just couldn’t get him to leave.

Klain: I’ll up his meds or something.

Obama: No, no. I knew the score when I put him on the ticket. *sighs* You think Hillary or Evan Bayh would have given us this much hassle?

Emanuel: No fuckin' way, sir.

(Obama snaps fingers, points at swear jar)

Obama: Folding money, Rahm.

T-Shirt of the Day

Team Obama is hip. They're down with the lingo. One need look no further for proof than the barackobama.com store, which is now featuring this t-shirt. Pick one up and swear politely in public, not impolitely in private like Rahm.

Our Betters: A Celebratory Evening in the Oval Office

Barack Obama: Congratulations, Madame Speaker. You did it. We've finally passed the health care bill.

Nancy Pelosi: I can't take all the credit, Mr. President. We all worked to make this happen.

Harry Reid: Fingers crossed, we'll get this through the Senate without much trouble.

(Rahm Emanuel emerges from dumbwaiter)

Emanuel: Mr. President, as soon as you're done sucking each other's dicks, we really need to move on.

(Obama smacks Emanuel with rolled up newspaper)

Obama: Rahm, what did I tell you about using such language in the Oval Office?

Emanuel: Sorry, Mr. President. Won't happen again. Now, if we could just--

(distant jangling of ice in a glass)

Pelosi: What was that?

(barely audible cackling)

Reid: Mr. President, I thought you sent him to Israel?

Emanuel: That was weeks ago, fuckwit.

(Obama sprays water bottle in Emanuel's face)

Emanuel: Sorry, sir.

(off-key singing of "I Wanna be an Airborne Ranger", drawing closer)

Emanuel: Oh, shit.

(Obama shakes coffee can filled with coins)

Obama: SHHH! Ok, everybody. Try to be polite. With any luck, he'll get bored and wander off. And Harry, don't look him in the eye. No one look him in the eye. Remember what happened last time?

Reid: I'd rather not, sir.

(door flies open)

Joe Biden: JOHN BOEHNER CAN LITERALLY SUCK MY FUCKING TAINT!

(throws empty glass against wall)

Biden: How come nobody told me we were celebrating in here? I'd have brought whores. And more liquor. And whores!

(lights fresh cigarillo, throws match on floor)

Obama: Well, Joe, this thing isn't quite over. We're putting together a strategy to--

Biden: My entire ass! We stomped those bitches to jelly! Them and their crazy, racist, tea-bagging vandal underlings. Did you hear those cretins are tossing bricks through windows? This is a big fuckin' deal, people! Holy fuck, I love Democracy!

(produces half-empty bottle of bourbon and four shot glasses from jacket)

Biden: That senate shit can wait a minute. Time to sack up and party. All you bitches, drink my shots!

(punches Reid in the shoulder)

Biden: You like that? One of my poker buddies literally taught me that. I think it's some sort of Native American toast. Or maybe Irish.

(takes long pull on bottle. Everyone drinks. Pelosi coughs. Biden slaps her on the ass. Hard.)

Biden: Haw! Broads in politics. What'll they think of next? Good shit, huh? Hey, Rahm!

Emanuel: Yeah?

(Biden punches Emanuel square in the face. Emanuel crumples to the carpet.)

Biden: Damn, kid, you've got a jaw like a cinderblock. I fuckin' love ya! Know what that taste in your mouth is?

Emanuel: Blood?

Biden: Bullshit! That's the taste of victory, you scheming little cock-puncher! Fuck, we gave 'em the Sioux City Sarsparilla, the ole Tuscaloosa Tango, the Tulsa Tornado, the Birmingham Bromide. We buttered their bean. We peppered their porridge. We fought and bit and scrapped and kicked and....

(Biden starts bobbing and weaving, shadowboxing what is either a small child or large midget.)

Biden: Hoo hah! I'm gonna getcha, you rascal!

(Biden slowly realizes everyone is staring at him and rights himself.)

Biden: Fuck man, be proud! I shat myself twice today, this legislation is so good. Hey Harry, come here.

Reid: I, uh...

Biden: I said get over here!

(Reid walks slowly toward Biden, who puts his hands on Reid's shoulders, tousles his hair and speaks in a fatherly voice.)

Biden: Now, Harry, you know the ball is literally in your court now. This is some serious shit. The Progressive movement has been waiting decades for us to move toward a more just, equitable and affordable health care system. And we are finally on the verge of giving this country just that. Now, when this bill goes over to the senate... hey, why are you staring at the floor?

(Reid looks at ceiling.)

Reid: I... I'm not.

Biden: Goddammit, son. Look me in the eye when I'm talking at you.

(Reid looks at Obama, who sighs and buries his face in his palm.)

Reid: I... uh, I'd rather--

Biden: LOOK ME IN THE FUCKING EYE!

(Reid obliges. Biden's eyes widen and then he just stares into space, a smirk locked in place.)

(The five of them stand there, silent. Emanuel waves a hand slowly in front of Biden's face, which doesn't move.)

Pelosi: Not again...

(Reid whimpers. Biden snaps back into consciousness.)

Biden: Huh? What the... you eyeballin' me, boy?

Reid: No, I, uh...

Biden: I think you are. Only time you stare at something that way is if you plan to fuck it or kill it. You want to fuck me, Harry?

Reid: No! Mr. Vice President, I--

Biden: THEN BATTLE IT IS! DEFEND YOURSELF!

(Biden produces giant claymore, swinging it wildly above his head and chasing Reid around the room.)

Reid: Help! Mr. President! Do something!

Obama: Hey Joe! It's Taco Tuesday in the cafeteria!

(Biden stops running, drops his sword, picks up his whiskey, and smooths out his rumpled suit.)

Biden: Gentlemen. Madame Speaker.

(Biden runs out of room.)

Reid: Thank you, Mr. President.

Pelosi: That was close.

Emanuel: At least the Secret Service confiscated his trident, thank Christ.

(Obama claps once, very loud.)

Obama: Rahm, that goes for blasphemy as well.

Emanuel: Sorry, sir.

Who could have foreseen?

And it's over. Just as quickly as Joe Lieberman said he'd block a bill with a Medicare buy in, it came out just as quickly. No public option, no buy-in, and nothing to replace it. Liberal Seantors walking around glum faced talking about how "things could have been worse". Yeah, I guess Joe could have released a biological agent in the caucus meetings. That would have been worse. In the end Democrats completely roll themselves, furiously piss off their base, capitulate to a man who is going to o this again and again out of spite, and made a health care bill measurable worse in a way that will bankrupt people and get them killed. Who could have foreseen that this would ever happen?

Joe Lieberman has forced his will on the Senate Democratic caucus and the nation as a whole. After the party reached a compromise last week to effectively drop the public option in exchange for allowing 55- to 64-year-olds to buy into Medicare, that compromise is now in doubt.

Lieberman, an independent from Connecticut, told Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) on Sunday that he will block any bill that includes the buy-in. As the 60th vote needed to overcome a Republican filibuster, he can do that.

Following a caucus-wide meeting Monday evening, the measure was all but scuttled.

So why did they finally cave now? We can blame Rahm Emanuel if we want, but that misses the point. He was just carrying out the wishes of a White House that thinks any bill is a good bill and that they have to pas it nowonwnow so they can turn the focus to fucking up a jobs bill in 2010. The greater source of blame falls to the institution of the Senate, which, as presently constructed, is almost useless in terms of addressing large problems. Or small problems. But they do a good collegial, old boys network, circle jerk like no one else.

And so we finally move to the voting... unless Lieberman wants more cut out and is willing to leverage his sociopathic indifference to humans against 59 other Senators again. Unless some other Senator sees this as an opportunity to strong-arm their way into attempting to get whatever they want in the bill. That'll only probably happen. So congratulations, we all have to buy insurance now and the only things that were going to provide competition to the groups that everyone seems to agree are the problem are gone. I'm sure that and wishing will lower prices. Remember to get out a vote for Democrats in 2010!

We missed you, Joe

It took a few months, but it finally seems that Vice-President Joe Biden has built up a sufficient tolerance to the horse tranquilizers that Rahm Emanuel grinds up and puts in his eggs every morning. That's right, Joe Biden is out talking in public again.

[The Vice-President] encouraged attendees to get involved in politics to "bend the arc of history -- literally, bend it."

He continued, "You may think that I don't understand the meaning of the word literally. I do. I meant to say 'literally'. The arc of history is outside, I saw it, and it looks to be a tungsten carbide alloy. I inspected that fucker and it isn't bent to my liking. Get out a crowbar and start bending that arc. Literally leave this auditorium and bend it. Now." He then finished by handing out some of the prybars and crowbars that he brought in a suitcase.

Rahm, you're going to have to switch to elephant tranqs or start dosing his soup at lunchtime.

Bubba hits the Hill

The big news in the health care fight today? Bubba is heading to the Hill to have a lunch with the Democratic Senate caucus in an attempt to rally support/knock heads over the fight to pass health care.

Senate Democrats today are huddling for their first weekly lunch since the House passed its version of the health care plan and they have a special guest with firsthand experience of what can happen when legislation fails.
...
Another source tells us that Clinton is attending the lunch at the request of Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel (who worked in Clinton White House) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

As of yet there's no confirmation of the rumor that Reid called up Clinton and said "You fuckin' talk to these people, 'cause they're fuckin' hopeless," but as part of the deal to get Bill in there the White House will be sending Hillary away on more foreign policy excursions.

No one is sure what exactly Bill is going to say to rally the Democrats. Hell, most of them are already rallied. It's the last couple of spineless holdouts that need to be coerced and I'm not sure a group lunch is going to do it. Still, Bill is probably going to remind everyone of his own fight for health care...in a not so subtle manner. He's then going to remind Democratic Senators how his bid to reform the system was derailed by Democrats. He's then going to look around the room, see that many of those same sons of bitches that screwed him in the nineties are still sitting there and he'll probably go apeshit.

Sources say he has an elaborate speech worked out about baseball and teamwork, which he will give while holding a Louisville Slugger he got signed by Albert Pujols. Then as the speech climaxes as he's talking about individuals not succeeding without the team succeeding and "hot-dog Senators playing by their own rules" he beats Joe Lieberman to death with the bat as the Ennio Morricone score blares. As everyone is horrified by the bloody scene and Rahm is ordering a dozen roses sent to Lieberman's widow, Bubba rushes Ben Nelson, puts a gun in his mouth and asks him if he's got any more bright ideas. He then puts the gun on the table, remarks that anyone wanting to oppose health care better use the gun on themselves, before tersely muttering something to Rahm about that being "the Arkansas way" and noting that it was easier dealing with Kim Jong-Il.

At least that's the way it goes in my dreams.

My God.....have they finally learned?

I'm about to blow your mind here, so sit down. On the first time in decades on an issue of any importance, it seems that Democrats are finally tired of playing the eager Charlie Brown to the GOP's football holding Lucy, and are willing to go it alone on an issue. As squadrons of pigs take to the skies, Democrats may have decided they're moving towards using their own numbers and ideas to pass a health care bill. To go it alone.

Given hardening Republican opposition to Congressional health care proposals, Democrats now say they see little chance of the minority’s cooperation in approving any overhaul, and are increasingly focused on drawing support for a final plan from within their own ranks.

Top Democrats said Tuesday that their go-it-alone view was being shaped by what they saw as Republicans’ purposely strident tone against health care legislation during this month’s Congressional recess, as well as remarks by leading Republicans that current proposals were flawed beyond repair.

Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, said the heated opposition was evidence that Republicans had made a political calculation to draw a line against any health care changes, the latest in a string of major administration proposals that Republicans have opposed.

Really Rahm? You're just coming to that conclusion now? I think anyone who reasonably pays attention to politics could have told you Republicans were going to oppose any and everything you came up with. But then again, we don't get paid hundreds of thousands of millions of dollars for our supposed political acumen.

But before we get too excited, let's just observe that all this does is set us up for a new kind of disappointment. Instead of the GOP killing a bill or making it worse, now we all get to contend with Ben Nelson, Evan Bayh, Kent Conrad, and House Blue Dogs making the bill worse or eventually killing it if they don't get to make it worse. SO instead of shrugging our shoulders and saying "well at least they tried, but the GOP killed it", we just get to rage at the Democratic party as a whole once again as we wonder why Rahm Emanuel didn't bayonet Blanche Lincoln to show Arlen Specter the White House means business on health care. Have we just traded one bad outcome for another bad outcome? Say, a flupocalypse for a nuclear apocalypse? Possibly. But at least Democrats are going to make the attempt. Maybe. They might recant all this tomorrow.

EDIT: Like clockwork...

Broken News: Emanuel now placing Krugerrands in White House Swear Jar

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Quote of the day

Rahm Emanuel on why political cowardice wins the day.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Final quick question. The president has ruled out prosecutions for CIA officials who believed they were following the law. Does he believe that the officials who devised the policies should be immune from prosecution?

EMANUEL: What he believes is, look, as you saw in that statement he wrote, and I would just take a step back. He came up with this and he worked on this for about four weeks, wrote that statement Wednesday night, after he made his decision, and dictated what he wanted to see. And Thursday morning, I saw him in the office, he was still editing it.

He believes that people in good faith were operating with the guidance they were provided. They shouldn't be prosecuted.

STEPHANOPOULOS: What about those who devised policy?

EMANUEL: Yes, but those who devised policy, he believes that they were -- should not be prosecuted either, and that's not the place that we go -- as he said in that letter, and I would really recommend people look at the full statement -- not the letter, the statement -- in that second paragraph, "this is not a time for retribution." It's time for reflection. It's not a time to use our energy and our time in looking back and any sense of anger and retribution.

That's right, who wants to get into a little thing like 'who tortured who' or 'who authorized what unconstitutional action when' or 'what principle America was founded on was violated where', that stuff is 'retribution'. Not, you know, a prosecution based on open admittance of violation of some of the most point blank and basic laws and treaties this country has. Besides, everyone was operating in good faith. You know, except for all those Justice Department guys who were arguing in those same memos justifying torture, that none of the justifications would really hold up in court, so just keep torturing anyway.


Why would we want to punish guys like that? Because our laws and judicial system says so? Grow up, you're being childish again.

Krugbot was right

It turns out some in the White House aren't receptive to the idea that not only were their tactics to get the stimulus worthy of criticism, but that all their hard work went into something that, economically speaking, wasn't as useful as it could have been. Perhaps, deep down, they regret not listening to the massive brainpower of one Paul "Make the stimulus bigger for the love of Christ" Krugman and are just bitterly clinging to the fact that it got passed as some sort of affirmation of the rightness of their plan. Like Rahm Emanuel is doing!

“They have never worked the legislative process,” Emanuel said of critics like the Times columnist Paul Krugman, who argued that Obama’s concessions to Senate Republicans—in particular, the tax cuts, which will do little to stimulate the economy—produced a package that wasn’t large enough to respond to the magnitude of the recession. “How many bills has he passed?”
...
Now, my view is that Krugman as an economist is not wrong. But in the art of the possible, of the deal, he is wrong. He couldn’t get his legislation.”

The stimulus bill was essentially held hostage to the whims of Collins, Snowe, and Specter, but if Al Franken, the apparent winner of the disputed Minnesota Senate race, had been seated in Washington, and if Ted Kennedy, who is battling brain cancer, had been regularly available to vote, the White House would have needed only one Republican to pass the measure. “No disrespect to Paul Krugman,” Emanuel went on, “but has he figured out how to seat the Minnesota senator?” (Franken’s victory is the subject of an ongoing court challenge by his opponent, Norm Coleman, which the national Republican Party has been happy to help finance.) “Write a fucking column on how to seat the son of a bitch. I would be fascinated with that column. O.K.?” Emanuel stood up theatrically and gestured toward his seat with open palms. “Anytime they want, they can have it,” he said of those who are critical of his legislative strategies. “I give them my chair.”

Ah yes, the old "sure he was 100% right, but I'm going to act like a dick and bitch about things that wouldn't have made a difference in the outcome as if they're relevant to the discussion" gambit. Always successful. Always classy.

Fucking Krugman, with his economically astute observations, where does he get off trying to suggest a way to make sure a trillion dollars isn't misspent? The Nobel winning motherfucker can't even seat Al Franken, which while technically more the domain of say.....Harry Reid, is still a massive strike against Krugman. Don't even try and remember that Al Franken wouldn't have made 60 votes and they still would have needed to convince Republicans to join up, nor the fact that it was a couple Dem Senators that went off to play 'centrist', just keep yelling as if having a bad strategy and not getting what the country needed are the fault of a guy who suggested that maybe ceding ground at the start of the process and not even attempting to get the right bill passed weren't the smartest ideas.

For his part, Krugman resisted the urge to fire a gun over Rahm's head and yell "Princeton represent, motherfuckers!"

Eh. The question is why Obama didn't ask for what the economy needed, then bargain from there. My view is that Collins et al would have demanded $100 billion in cuts from whatever they started from; and that's not the case he answers.

Which is econo-speak for "You shit the bed by letting morons dictate the process with random numbers and desires to look like they were doing something. Don't hate a playa for pointing it out!" Here's a suggestion, next time something with the economy goes bad and Krugman starts yelling "Fire!!!" and "Abort!!!!", listen to him in the first place instead of bitching about him after you've decided to go for some half measure.

Israelection

Raise your hands if the things you wanted to hear most out of an Israeli election were the phrases "inconclusive", "right wing coalition government", "hard-right victory", "hard-line", "ultra orthodox", "two-state solution dead", and the kingmaker of the coalition government described as "a former bouncer from Moldova who has risen in Israeli politics on a platform of racial hatred for Israeli-Palestinians (20% of the population), whom he has urged be "executed" or made to take loyalty oaths, stripped of their citizenship and possibly transferred to the Palestine Authority." and a "...certified gangster...who is the Israeli equivalent of Jorg Haider of Austria (now dead) and Jean-Marie LePen."? Well, good news then. You got what you wanted.

Inconclusive election results sent Israel into political limbo Wednesday with both Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni and hard-line leader Benjamin Netanyahu claiming victory and leaving the kingmaker role to a rising political hawk with an anti-Arab platform.

Livni's Kadima Party won 28 seats, just one more than Netanyahu's Likud, in Tuesday's election for the 120-member parliament, according to nearly complete results. Both held victory rallies, but without a clear majority neither can govern alone. Hard-line parties won a majority of the votes, meaning that Netanyahu has more natural allies and a better chance of forming a coalition.

The results set the stage for what could be weeks of coalition negotiations. The first meetings began Wednesday, with Netanyahu meeting the head of the ultra-Orthodox Shas faction and Livni meeting Avigdor Lieberman, whose ultranationalist party received 15 seats and emerged as the third-largest force in parliament.

All this essentially means Netanyahu is all but assured the PM spot, with immense power given to a crazy gangster. I guess the Gaza invasion did work out alright for the far-right parties in Israel. Who would have thought? Copy-cats. Also, in Gaza post-invasion, Hamas is more popular than ever as hardliners have been empowered and extremists strengthened! Win-win for hardline extremists! Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as things get less tense in the Middle East, especially in Israel. Wait, I meant the opposite.

Those sounds you heard? That was Rahm Emanuel grabbing the razor before Barry could slit his wrists, Hillary calling Governor Patterson to see if her old seat was still open, and Jimmy Carter comically pulling on his collar and going "Yeeesh!" Oh well, this is just going to increase the degree of difficulty and thus allow for higher scores in the Negotiation Olympics.

Broken News: Obama to sacrifice bankers to appease financial Gods

WASHINGTON—Looking to get a handle on the financial crisis still spiraling out of control, President Obama gathered his economic team together to announce the first step of their economic recovery plan: ancient ritualized killing ceremonies designed to ward off evil omens and spirits.

After consulting with Lawrence Summers, Tim Geithner, and several other voodoo high priests, the President decided that the best course of action was to ritually sacrifice bankers in an attempt to appease the Financial Gods.

“My fellow Americans, I know this seems like a harsh and punitive measure,” said the President, already decked out in a gilded black robe, high necked priest’s collar, and gold ankh pendant. “But you must understand the dire straits we are in. I have been advised, and I now believe, that we have angered God or a series of Gods and the only way forward is to sacrifice one banker per God until we hit upon the right combination.”

As the President walked over to a stone alter constructed in front of the Washington Monument, his economic advisers already encircling it and chanting from various Latin tomes, the President revealed the first sacrificial vessel, a portly man strapped to the altar with razor wire, his bare flesh adorned with pagan symbols painted in goat’s blood.

“This is Michael Simon of PNC and I believe we’re sacrificing him to Baal, isn’t that right Rahm? Alright let’s get this under way.” The President then proceeded to open a large book, on loan from the Smithsonian, bound in what seemed to be human flesh, inked in blood, and started reading the ancient Sumerian script. At the culmination of the chanting, the President produced a large bone dagger from his cloak, raised it into the air, and brought it down into Mr. Simon’s chest.

After a quick series of calls over to the Federal Reserve and Wall Street, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, wiping the blood from his Blackberry, announced “Still the same. We’ll all need to be back here for the six o’clock. Remember to get those cloaks washed. Dry clean only. Oh, and toss the body in the Potomac."

While some are questioning the decision to bring sacrifices back to White House grounds for the first time since Dick Cheney was forced to move his dark rituals to the Naval Observatory in 2005, others point out that Obama is pretty popular and that they really ought to shut up.

On the other hand there are others who support the policy, such as Dr. Colton Kent, Professor of the Occult at Cambridge and director of Faces of Death VII. “Look we’ve exhausted all other options and maybe we should open our minds to what the ancient civilizations did. We just watched the big cheese take his oath of office twice on a leather-bound book of 2,000 year-old Jewish proverbs. Everyone loves following what long dead primitives did so long as there’s chanting and a book. Ra, Kali, Zeus, Thor, Gozer, Morgan Freeman. It doesn’t make a difference. The transgressors must be offered up in death to the offended party. Do you really think an offering of nuts and berries is going to do it? Oh, and try finding a virgin in this day and age.”

Kent added, “We all need to understand that obviously a God or consortium of Gods is causing this and one of them needs to be appeased. Otherwise we’d just have to blame the free market and capitalism, right? That, my friends, is fucking ludicrous.”

Officials note that if the sacrifices do not work there is, as of yet, no backup plan. Treasury Secretary Geithner has advised, “…collecting up bitches to throw in volcanoes,” while other, more experienced advisers feel that the President might need to consider that a witch might have hexed the financial sector or even that someone has stolen a priceless artifact from the US that needs to be returned.

These same officials note that the proposed economic stimulus proposal is just a ruse designed to keep congress busy. One such official, on the condition of anonymity said “We just don’t want them gumming up the work with their ‘motions-to-stab’, committees to review what ancient evil manuscript to use, and commissions to look into the best type of altar to funnel blood into the collection receptacles. Plus, there are even some senators who honestly think this crisis will be solved by spending. Like Vishnu or Eric Clapton is going to care about transit funding.”

Later, when asked if he really thought these ritual killings were going to solve the crisis, the President smiled and shrugged, “Don’t know. But it still makes more sense than giving a trillion dollars to George Bush and Hank Paulson, no questions asked.”