Raptor facts

I don't try to shatter too many dreams in one day, but I'm afraid it must be done. It seems that Jurassic Park was not the historical/anthropological record of fact that we all thought it was.

So you know those large sickle-shaped claws Velociraptors have on their hindfeet? Of course, everyone does. Well, once upon a time paleontologists thought the claws were used to disembowel the raptors' prey—certainly that was the working theory in Jurassic Park. But now a new study by Phil Manning of the University of Manchester has found that, sadly, no, the Velociraptor's claws simply weren't sharp enough to tear rip open dinosaur flesh. Instead, biomechanical analysis suggests the raptors used the claws to scale trees, from which they'd pounce down on other dinosaurs and cling tight with their sickle claws, biting and killing all the while.

Great, scratch packs of raptors with razor claws off the things that I feared would kill me. Now its just down to zombies, sharks, and Dick Cheney with a Bowie knife in his teeth. Still...raptors from above? No, it's not the same. As an addendum, I just want you to know that this:...is also not true, despite what the creationism museum says. This is probably wrong as well.

I douse your dreams of secret bigfoots

The Sasquatch. The Abominable Snowman. The Yeti. The Stink Ape. Bigfoot.

All still fake you childish motherfuckers. Remember those guys that said they found a bigfoot, but wouldn't let anyone look at it? Get the fainting couch Bertha, they're fakers. I know, I know, how could something that looked like a gorilla suit smeared with entrails not turn out to really be Bigfoot. They got what they wanted, 15 minutes of fame and some dumb bastard to buy it off them.

The claimed recent discovery of Bigfoot in the US state of Georgia has turned out to be a hoax - it was a rubber gorilla suit in a block of ice.

Two men said last week they had found a 2.3m-tall (7ft 7in), 226kg (500lb) corpse of the legendary ape-like creature in a wood in June.

Two researchers bought the "carcass", encased in ice, for an undisclosed sum.

But as it thawed it turned out to be a rubber monkey outfit. Bigfoot has been the subject of decades of hoaxes.

I like that last phrase "Bigfoot has been the subject of decades of hoaxes", as if he's some old pensioner who keeps getting scammed by slick con artists. So cry tears of sadness into your Harry and the Hendersons pillow, Bigfoot isn't real, the aliens picked them all up and moved them to a safe game reserve for galactic endangered species. They ride unicorns with the Transformers now.

Of final note, two things popped out from the article. One, there's a guy who runs a site called squatchdetective.com. That is a great idea for a cartoon or comic book or something. Not a guy who carves a career out of investigating inevitable fakes, but an actual Sasquatch detective who has to solve crimes and hide his identity. I COPYRIGHTED THAT SHIT! IT'S MINE!!! STAY AWAY!!

Secondly, these hoaxers have a Bigfoot Tip Line wherein they admit they search for leprechauns and the Loch Ness monster. How did these guys get on the national news again? Darfur can't get on the news, but rubber ape suits from the leprechaun detectives get coverage. All hail our media betters.