With lasts month's bombing attacks in Iraq that left 127 dead, an attack that killed 155 in October, bombings that killed 35 in August, and attacks over the weekend that killed at least 35, the question is asked "why don't Iraqis have better bomb detectors?" Well, they have the money, they just choose to spend it on fraudulent technology sold by monstrous crooks. Still.
$85 million was spent on this "technology" from a UK company that is now under arrest for fraud. But the "machines", car antennas hooked up to a device meant to detect department store theft, are still in use by an Iraqi government who still seems to think that they work.
So in case you were wondering why the security situation is still so unstable after this many years and why dozens of bombs seem to go off each month, just know that one of the pillars of our security strategy was hoping that magic detected car bombs. Don't worry though, I'm sure we'll get this figured out sometime in the next intervening decade we spend in Iraq.
Showing posts with label scam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scam. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Our apologies
We here at These Bastards spend a lot of time warning and cheering on the apocalypse. Robot apocalypse, financial apocalypse, meteor strikes, supernovas, lizard people, war, war with lizard people, climate collapse, and alien invasion.But one of the ones we've been most interested in is a calamitous viral event or flupocalypse. Not only because we're certain we would survive, but it's also the plotline of one of our favorite books, the Stand. It'd be glorious, a cornucopia of good vs. evil, Boulder vs. Vegas, weird omens, cawing crows on fence posts, deaf guys getting exploded, mildly retarded men stealing nukes, and holy retribution.
That's why we were so excited about the swine flu, or H1N1... or Porcine AIDS. We thought it had the power to cleanse all you rotten bastards from the face of this earth. Well, turns out the panic over it might not have been on the level.
But still, isn't it the point when you discover a possibly dangerous and new type of flu related to that Spanish flu that killed everyone a while back, to overreact to it? Isn't that the point of any possible outbreak; to overreact to it? Isn't that how it gets stopped in its tracks? Isn't that how the fuckers who don't want everyone dead avoid a Stand-type scenario?
Plus, the was reported by the UK's the Sun, which means it was sandwiched in between topless women answering questions about "the issues" and horrendously bad headlines made out of puns, so your mileage may vary. But, if in fact we're all going to live and none of us survivors will be in a pitched battle for all mankind, well, we'd just like to apologize for getting your hopes up. Sorry, we're all going to make it.
On the bright side, there's always bird flu. And SARS, maybe that'll make a comeback. There is hope.
That's why we were so excited about the swine flu, or H1N1... or Porcine AIDS. We thought it had the power to cleanse all you rotten bastards from the face of this earth. Well, turns out the panic over it might not have been on the level.
Wolfgang Wodarg, head of health at the Council of Europe, claims major firms organised a "campaign of panic" to put pressure on the World Health Organisation to declare a pandemic.What? Pharmaceutical companies hyping a virus to hawk expensive medicine? I don't believe it. I'd get up and march right over to this Wodarg fellow and tell him what's what, but don't you know, I'm not supposed to exert my legs too heavily, what with this restless leg syndrome I'm taking medicine for. Plus the pills for my nonspecific mouth pain disorder make me dizzy and a new ad makes me wonder if I'm suffering the ill effects of coal miner's pinky.
He believes it is "one of the greatest medicine scandals of the century" — and has called for an inquiry.
...
"The great campaign of panic we have seen provided a golden opportunity for representatives from labs who knew they would hit the jackpot in the case of a pandemic being declared.
But still, isn't it the point when you discover a possibly dangerous and new type of flu related to that Spanish flu that killed everyone a while back, to overreact to it? Isn't that the point of any possible outbreak; to overreact to it? Isn't that how it gets stopped in its tracks? Isn't that how the fuckers who don't want everyone dead avoid a Stand-type scenario?
Plus, the was reported by the UK's the Sun, which means it was sandwiched in between topless women answering questions about "the issues" and horrendously bad headlines made out of puns, so your mileage may vary. But, if in fact we're all going to live and none of us survivors will be in a pitched battle for all mankind, well, we'd just like to apologize for getting your hopes up. Sorry, we're all going to make it.
On the bright side, there's always bird flu. And SARS, maybe that'll make a comeback. There is hope.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Headline of the day
Cat registered as hypnotherapist
I'm not sure, does this degrade the profession of hypnotherapy or is that not possible? All I know is that this certainly throws into question the high esteem I hold for people with accreditation from the United Fellowship of Hypnotherapists.
The kitty, George, was certified with three separate organizations by a comedy TV presenter based on a phony certificate from the fake organization Society of Certified Advanced Mind Therapists. Man, that acronym so hackneyed (SCAM...T) it should have made it into our broken news piece from today.
I'm not sure, does this degrade the profession of hypnotherapy or is that not possible? All I know is that this certainly throws into question the high esteem I hold for people with accreditation from the United Fellowship of Hypnotherapists.
The kitty, George, was certified with three separate organizations by a comedy TV presenter based on a phony certificate from the fake organization Society of Certified Advanced Mind Therapists. Man, that acronym so hackneyed (SCAM...T) it should have made it into our broken news piece from today.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.28
As Seen On TV! Birthermercial Asks, Where Was Obama Really Born?
I kind of wish I thought of this. No, not the "Obama is a Kenyan, show us the birth certificate" conspiracy. As you can see from our Broken News and Broken in Brief pieces, Sean and I aren't that creative. No, the part where I create a bullshit infomercial about it and then charge suckers $30 for a bumper stickers and a fax to 50 state attorney generals and Eric Holder. Though this might create a problem where state attorney generals are just being forwarded a list of the craziest individuals in America with disposable incomes and free time. At least that's helpful to the rest of America.
Tea Party Founder Announces: "A Huffington Post Of Our Own"
You people do not disappoint. Now I'm not going to have to read up to 10 different sites to keep track of all the bizarre conspiracies that the government is involved in. Now I can get my crazy content aggregated. If I can also get some critiques of red carpet fashions, a site runner with an accent, and video of stuff that happened on TV, I can just jettison the HuffPo entirely.
France, Poland want Polanski released on bail
Just a word of advice to any French cultural ministers, actors, film buffs, and the two HuffPo bloggers that already have decried Polanski's arrest: stop wasting my time with bullshit about how he's the real victim, and sure rape is bad but everyone else affiliated with the case is worse, and "isn't being forced to live abroad as a millionaire director punishment enough?". Just say "Rosemary's Baby and Chinatown were really fucking good, I don't care how many 13 year-olds he drugs, rapes, and sodomizes" and be done with it. It's a lot easier than going through 700 words to find out that's what you really wanted to say anyway.
A Presidential Olympic Bid
Hey, I don't have any real idea of the Presidential schedule, but doesn't Barry have better things to do than to fly over to Copenhagen to push for Chicago's Olympic bid? I mean sure, I hate the time delays as much as anyone, but really, a special trip? Is Chicago in dire need of a world class diving arena? Ah, what the hell, it's Yom Kippur, government's probably shut down. You go get Chicago that cycling velodrome its wanted, Barry. You go get it.
New Cheney Taking Stage for the G.O.P.
Whew! I was worried for a while that this country would have to go on for too long without the amoral, crooked, grunting spawn of the hellbeast lying to the American public from a position of influence within the GOP. If only some state would bless us with Liz Cheney in the House of Senate, I think I could die happy....in whatever nuclear conflict she'd invariably provoke us into. C'mon, doesn't George H.W. Bush have any ignorant grandkids we could pair her up with?
I kind of wish I thought of this. No, not the "Obama is a Kenyan, show us the birth certificate" conspiracy. As you can see from our Broken News and Broken in Brief pieces, Sean and I aren't that creative. No, the part where I create a bullshit infomercial about it and then charge suckers $30 for a bumper stickers and a fax to 50 state attorney generals and Eric Holder. Though this might create a problem where state attorney generals are just being forwarded a list of the craziest individuals in America with disposable incomes and free time. At least that's helpful to the rest of America.
Tea Party Founder Announces: "A Huffington Post Of Our Own"
You people do not disappoint. Now I'm not going to have to read up to 10 different sites to keep track of all the bizarre conspiracies that the government is involved in. Now I can get my crazy content aggregated. If I can also get some critiques of red carpet fashions, a site runner with an accent, and video of stuff that happened on TV, I can just jettison the HuffPo entirely.
France, Poland want Polanski released on bail
Just a word of advice to any French cultural ministers, actors, film buffs, and the two HuffPo bloggers that already have decried Polanski's arrest: stop wasting my time with bullshit about how he's the real victim, and sure rape is bad but everyone else affiliated with the case is worse, and "isn't being forced to live abroad as a millionaire director punishment enough?". Just say "Rosemary's Baby and Chinatown were really fucking good, I don't care how many 13 year-olds he drugs, rapes, and sodomizes" and be done with it. It's a lot easier than going through 700 words to find out that's what you really wanted to say anyway.
A Presidential Olympic Bid
Hey, I don't have any real idea of the Presidential schedule, but doesn't Barry have better things to do than to fly over to Copenhagen to push for Chicago's Olympic bid? I mean sure, I hate the time delays as much as anyone, but really, a special trip? Is Chicago in dire need of a world class diving arena? Ah, what the hell, it's Yom Kippur, government's probably shut down. You go get Chicago that cycling velodrome its wanted, Barry. You go get it.
New Cheney Taking Stage for the G.O.P.
Whew! I was worried for a while that this country would have to go on for too long without the amoral, crooked, grunting spawn of the hellbeast lying to the American public from a position of influence within the GOP. If only some state would bless us with Liz Cheney in the House of Senate, I think I could die happy....in whatever nuclear conflict she'd invariably provoke us into. C'mon, doesn't George H.W. Bush have any ignorant grandkids we could pair her up with?
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Edwards bombshell! Lives life as human blur!
Finally the break in the Edwards love child scandal that has the nation riveted. The Enquirer is on top of it. A photo of Edwards holding the baby!
Strike that, a blur-person in a teal t-shirt holds a possible baby at an awkward angle. But it's damning, Edwards was once seen in a t-shirt that color, and the background is the same as the room where The Nat says this completely credible series of events took place. I know, I know, the Enquirer can usually conjure up more credible pictures of that time Bigfoot shanked Nessie than this shoddy mess. But it's proof you see. PROOF! I do like that Blur-dwards seems confused by the very concept of the blur-by, holding it as if it were a perplexing sack of potatoes. And that despite the close proximity, you'd have gotten a clearer picture if you decided to take it whilst speeding by in a Bugatti Veyron. It's probably definitely him.
The fall from Olympus is complete, John Edwards. You are exposed as an blurry, awkward baby holder. Try and advocate for universal healthcare now you disgusting Gaussian mess.
Strike that, a blur-person in a teal t-shirt holds a possible baby at an awkward angle. But it's damning, Edwards was once seen in a t-shirt that color, and the background is the same as the room where The Nat says this completely credible series of events took place. I know, I know, the Enquirer can usually conjure up more credible pictures of that time Bigfoot shanked Nessie than this shoddy mess. But it's proof you see. PROOF! I do like that Blur-dwards seems confused by the very concept of the blur-by, holding it as if it were a perplexing sack of potatoes. And that despite the close proximity, you'd have gotten a clearer picture if you decided to take it whilst speeding by in a Bugatti Veyron. It's probably definitely him.
The fall from Olympus is complete, John Edwards. You are exposed as an blurry, awkward baby holder. Try and advocate for universal healthcare now you disgusting Gaussian mess.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Thanks for all the nothing Pakistan, here's some jets
Plan Would Use Antiterror Aid in Pakistan on Attack Jets
Bush is trying to shift $230 million in counter-terrorism aid, nearly 2/3 of what we will give them in military financing, so they can afford to upgrade their F-16's. Strike that, so they can afford to pay their share of retrofitting the old F-16's till we give them new ones. I mean we're only spending $1.4 billion to buy them 36 new F-16's and $891 million to upgrade Pakistan’s old F-16s, why shouldn't we give them even more to tide ther fleet over till the brand spanking new jets arrive. Jets that they don't use for counter-terrorism, just for oneupsmanship with India.
Why not, we've only given them $10 billion in aid so far. $5.5 billion for counter-terrorism work that they didn't do. What's another $230 million for planes they won't use to help us. They've been so helpful, refusing to do counter-terrorism work along the border and kindly telling us to go fuck ourselves when we wanted to put special forces in to go look for bin Laden, a man their country is harboring. They deserve this. It's not like it matters, they weren't going to use the $230 million on c-t, why not let them spend it on planes they aren't going to use for c-t. Can we get them some missiles with pre-targeted Indian co-ordinates, I'm sure that will somehow help Pakistan fight terrorism too. I know I'll rest easier.
Bush is trying to shift $230 million in counter-terrorism aid, nearly 2/3 of what we will give them in military financing, so they can afford to upgrade their F-16's. Strike that, so they can afford to pay their share of retrofitting the old F-16's till we give them new ones. I mean we're only spending $1.4 billion to buy them 36 new F-16's and $891 million to upgrade Pakistan’s old F-16s, why shouldn't we give them even more to tide ther fleet over till the brand spanking new jets arrive. Jets that they don't use for counter-terrorism, just for oneupsmanship with India.
Why not, we've only given them $10 billion in aid so far. $5.5 billion for counter-terrorism work that they didn't do. What's another $230 million for planes they won't use to help us. They've been so helpful, refusing to do counter-terrorism work along the border and kindly telling us to go fuck ourselves when we wanted to put special forces in to go look for bin Laden, a man their country is harboring. They deserve this. It's not like it matters, they weren't going to use the $230 million on c-t, why not let them spend it on planes they aren't going to use for c-t. Can we get them some missiles with pre-targeted Indian co-ordinates, I'm sure that will somehow help Pakistan fight terrorism too. I know I'll rest easier.
Monday, July 21, 2008
No God: Sean Hannity edition
Dogs have money. You do not. Professional liars and full-time cretins have money too. There is no God.
Fresh off the backs of Rush Limbaugh's half a billion deal, sneering hairdo Sean Hannity gets $100 million to invent worlds of fantasy so fanciful and imaginative that he'd make J.R.R. Tolkien throw down his pens and paper in awe. Of note: if you conduct your self with 100 times more integrity than Sean Hannity (not hard, it basically involves not pushing people in front of buses) you will never begin to approach earning that sum of money.
My plan? I'm moving to Wyoming and getting a AM radio show. On it I will rail against liberals because they hate sorghum and want cattle to get gay married and perform abortions. I feel within five years I will be a millionaire, have a show in development for Fox, and no one will call me on all my crazy bullshit. Not even when I claim autism is a scam.
Matthew Vicious? Matthew Liberalhater? Fuck it, I'll come up with the name later.
Fresh off the backs of Rush Limbaugh's half a billion deal, sneering hairdo Sean Hannity gets $100 million to invent worlds of fantasy so fanciful and imaginative that he'd make J.R.R. Tolkien throw down his pens and paper in awe. Of note: if you conduct your self with 100 times more integrity than Sean Hannity (not hard, it basically involves not pushing people in front of buses) you will never begin to approach earning that sum of money.
My plan? I'm moving to Wyoming and getting a AM radio show. On it I will rail against liberals because they hate sorghum and want cattle to get gay married and perform abortions. I feel within five years I will be a millionaire, have a show in development for Fox, and no one will call me on all my crazy bullshit. Not even when I claim autism is a scam.
Matthew Vicious? Matthew Liberalhater? Fuck it, I'll come up with the name later.
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