Stay classy, New York Post

Maybe you watch Dancing With the Stars and already knew this, but Professional singer and dancer Nicole Scherzinger beat Olympic Ice skating gold medalist Evan Lysacek for the prestigious crown. Yes, a show that is ostensibly about celebrities making asses out of themselves and learning to dance effectively had a final three (including ESPN reporter and former college cheerleader and Florida Gator dance team member Erin Andrews) that basically comprised three people that were as close to professional dancers as they could possibly be. Yeah, I bitter about the competitive purity of celebrity dance competitions. Whatever.

How do you think the New York Post decided to announce the pop singer beating the skating champion?Get it? Because all male figure skaters are giant homos. Hilarious. Nicely played. I'm sure it beats your original headline of "Jiggle tits beats faaaaaaaaaaaaag". Stay classy, Post.

Broken News: Justice Stevens to Renounce Amateur Judicial Status, Turn Pro

WASHINGTON—When Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, 90, announced his retirement last week, most assumed that the rigors of the court combined with his advancing age had finally become too much for the revered jurist and that he was simply going to move on to retirement and a life of leisure.

But with spoilers leaking out for newly taped segments of next week’s Dancing With the Stars, it turns out that Justice Stevens has terminated his long standing amateur status in order to turn pro and pursue his other lifelong dream: judging celebrity dance contests for network TV.

Perhaps the early indication was in his resignation letter to the President. While one paragraph has been released to the public, Stevens also submitted an epilogue. In it Stevens referenced a need to pay off student loans for his legal education and also “make some serious bank.” He claimed that he could no longer be hindered by the Supreme Court’s onerous rules on amateur status and eligibility and was leaving to “do some real showboat judging for ridiculous coin.”

“I think he just became fed up with the politics of the thing,” said David Thompson, a former clerk for Justice Stevens. “He didn’t care for the hypocrisy of the American Amateur Judicial Association. Sure, they can make millions promoting the work of amateur judges and the yearly Jurisprudence Madness tournament, but if one guy tries to make a little cash on the side with a gavel endorsement? Disbarred.”

“I guess he just got tired, after 63 years, of dealing with the bullshit,” Thompson sighed. “Good for him, he’ll be raking it in now.”

This is thought to be a major coup for ABC’s Dancing With the Stars program, which has long fought for more legal credibility on its judging panel. It was initially thought that Stevens was looking for work in recently politicized beauty pageant field, but surprised everyone by going for the high stakes, high glamour world of celebrity contest judging.

“I guess he just wanted to roll with the big boys,” said Dan Harnett, a junior programming executive at ABC. “No disrespect to Thurgood Marshall, John Jay, and Earl Warren – I think we all recognize the purity of the legal game they played – but Stevens is finally stepping up to join the big dogs in the judging world; we're talking the likes of Simon Cowell, Judge Judy, and David Hasslehoff.”

Already some of Stevens' dynamite legal opinions are rocking the TV world. In one of his first written opinions, in the case of Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani v. Jitterbug, he is reported to have remarked that “One thing is certain. Although we may the identity of the winner of this year's competition for some time, the identity of the loser is perfectly clear. It is the nation's confidence in your ability to put one foot in front of the other.”

Later he was said to remark towards Pamela Anderson that while he “always allowed dancers wide latitude in determining how best to achieve legitimate artistic goals,” that “the interest in encouraging freedom of expression in a democratic society is outweighed by your completely awful fucking dancing”, before decreeing the dance be edited out of the show. He then comically banged an oversized gavel on the judges table and proceeded to show Ms. Anderson how to execute a proper Charleston.

“That’s the kind of judging we all knew he was capable of,” observed Constitutional Law Scholar and George Washington University legal professor Jonathan Turley. “Sound legal opinion combined with the flash, showmanship, and showboating that pro judging requires. Another season or two of these kinds of performances and he might be ready to go down with the legal greats: getting his own judge show where he gets to mete out decisions in small claims court.”

In any event, if the leaked reports are true, former Justice Stevens seems to be well on his way towards fulfilling the promise he showed during his 35-year amateur career.

Stay classy, West Contra Costa Unified School District

West Contra Costa Unified School District spokesman Marin Trujillo, taking time to note that other than a 15 year old girl getting raped by multiple people, the Richmond High School dance went off without a hitch:

"Multiple offenders, multiple people raping over prolonged period," said Lt. Mark Gagan with the Richmond police.

What makes this crime so shocking is that police say at least 20 people were involved in the rape or stood and watched the crime without going for help.
...
"Dance was successful event and safe for the students that were there," said Marin Trujillo, the West Contra Costa Unified School District spokesman. "This dance itself was a successful event."

Yeah, other than that gang rape type situation, the dance went off like gangbusters. The DJ was kickin' it with some tasty jams, the gym had a really well put together theme, and all the raping that occurred happened off of the dance-floor and at least 20 or 30 feet away from the main building.

I'm just glad that Mr. Trujillo was there to clear things up. I wouldn't want to have though that some got raped and the dance sucked. Also, I think people are failing to applaud the fact that no one was murdered anywhere near the event. When that is taken into consideration, this might be the most successful school dance ever. Stay classy, Marin.

Good morning, avert your eyes

Corrupt former Majority Leader Tom Delay, dancing his ass off and resetting the bar for the unintentional comedy scale Dancing With the Stars. I think my favorite part is when he jumps in the air and the camera does a "Matrix" around him. It's even better than his rehearsal promo showing his barely concealed disdain for gays. Thank you, ABC, thank you. Just get him to do a jailbird themed cha-cha in prison stripes, then contrive some situation where he blows out every ligament in his knee and I promise to glance at the finale for two or three seconds.

Picture of the day

via TPM comes a look at Tom "Twinkletoes" DeLay's preparations for the All-Texas prison dance off. He has appropriated some poor unfortunate woman to be his dance partner and has equipped himself with some sort of horrid sexual virility harness. He means business.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.17

The Swiss Menace
Paul Krugman decides to use his op-ed column to do a "other than all of that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" job on health care reform. According to him all that stands in the way of universal health care is the "greed of the medical-industrial complex, the lies of the right-wing propaganda machine, and the gullibility of voters who believe those lies." Is that all? Well, we ought to have those things cleared up around a week after the sun explodes. Still, this article does also try to explain the three models for health care reform, and how and why we've decided to Swissify our system instead of Frenching it up or letting a bunch of cockney soccer hooligans give it Glasgow kiss.

Mathematical Model for Surviving a Zombie Attack
Never say math and science never did anything for you. Sure math and science will be responsible for the robots killing and enslaving us all, but should God get angry and Hell get filled up, we now have a proper mathematical model to consult so that we may survive and quickly tamp down a zombie uprising. By their official science numbers, action will need to be taken quick as in a outbreak situation, it will only take three days for the undead to outnumber the living in a city of 500,000. All I know is that I always wear high collared shirts (also provides protection from vampires) and carry around an extra big screwdriver for zombie earhole stabbing. It's the only way to be truly safe.

Tom DeLay Contestant On "Dancing With The Stars" Season Nine
Yes, the man who most closely represents politics' version of John Lithgow's dance hating preacher in Footloose is slated to grind against some poor 19-year-old ballroom dancer for the supposed entertainment of millions. What with his legal fees and many court cases resulting from his complete lack of any moral or ethical center, he's is taking this gig so that he may literally dance for his dinner. I eagerly await his one man free form jazz interpretation backed by the sounds of "Take My Breath Away."

Huge Santa Barbara County wildfire caused by marijuana farm; suspects at large in forest
A wildfire that has to date burned 75,000 acres, was started by a cartel of Mexican potheads. While officials are as yet unsure of the reason this fire was started, they have narrowed it down to two options: 1) the stove being left on after one of them spaced while trying to heat up some mac and cheese 2) one of them saying something to the effect of "imagine how high we'll get it we light it all up" and a second person concurring. They have fled into the forest where one of them is convinced they can hide with Bigfoot or the ewoks.

Scientists Make Oxygen Out of Moon Rock
Good news for the prospect of moon bases. It turns out you can convert moon rock into oxygen, thus negating a need to rocket up oxygen tanks or plant shrubs on the moon. Sure, it involves essentially destroying the moon to make it habitable, but that's what we do to live here on earth, so why shouldn't the moon endure the same fate? Alright science, moon bases are go, now get on flying cars, jet packs, hover boards, lightsabers, and personal interstellar spacecraft. Preferably have them done before I'm too old to use them.

Why aren't these movies out yet?

The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton

Britney Spears could be set to follow her successful Circus tour with a role in a new film, according to reports. The 27-year-old star is still touring the world with her Circus tour, and it is claimed a script for a film called The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton has been handed to Britney to look at.

If she accepts the role, Britney will reportedly play the main role of Sophia LaMont, who creates a time machine and travels back to World War II where she meets a Jewish man called Eton at a concentration camp.

They then fall in love and travel back to the present day with the intention of getting married but they are both killed by Nazis.

Boogie Town

The film is described as a "West Side Story" for the hip hop generation. The story takes place in a futuristic New York City, in the year of 2015 where dancing battles are strictly prohibited. Micha (Marques Houston), a very skilled dancer, begins an underground dancing arena known as "Boogie Town", where dancing teams battle in "Winner Take All" matches. Micha and his crew known as "The Trojans" are long time rivals with "The Warriors" which is led by Jay (Mykal Anthony Bean), his former mentor and once longtime friend.

Both Micha and Jay have "ENERGY", a mysterious and supernatural power. But when Jay finds out that Natalie (Brenda Song), his younger sister, has been secretly dating Micha, the feud between "The Trojans" and "The Warriors" escalates onto the streets. So the only way to have the ultimate Dance-Off where the loser must leave town for good.

A Britney Spears concentration camp drama? A dystopian New York where dancing is outlawed and mutants have power fueled dance offs? Where can I get in line? These sound even more gloriously stupid than a racist robot filled Transformers sequel.

and now, your anthem

Global icons that we are, TheseBastards receives a fair amount of submissions, most of which are immediately relegated to the bone pile next to where Matthew tosses most of my Broken News pitches and his own foolish dreams. But on occasion we're presented with something worth sharing and today, for reasons that will soon make themselves clear, we offer one of those.

'Tis a tune by Mr. James Rocket, entitled "Donuts and Bacon." Your hangover strongly suggests you listen to this song.

Listen HERE.

Website is HERE.

Myspace is HERE.

And remember, only 77 Days until that Obama guy actually has to make something of what happened last night.