Pollings

Never let it be said that our capacity for self-delusion isn't our greatest national resource. Because either we're taking a look at increasing job losses and economy shrinkage and flashing the double thumbs up or we're going to find out two decades from now that scientists have conclusively proven we got dumber as a species at about this point. Maybe I'm being too harsh, the poll clearly doesn't have a data point entry for people who simply shrugged their shoulders and simply said "It can't possibly get worse than this....right?" I'm betting the Times counted those as"economy is getting better."

Among other findings of this poll, Mr. Barry's popularity is thus far unkillable, possibly requiring dark magics, mystical weapons, and another few months of these economic conditions to fully start knocking it down. On the other hand the poll has found time to put another bullet in the head of Republican leadership, I mean "leadership", which at this point must have a skull consisting of only empty shell casings and hollow point fragments. Republicans clock in at a 25 year low, marking them as sligthy more popular than "leaving your kids with a notorious child molesting cannibal" and slightly less popular than "13 course tasting menu at restaurant that fishes drowned animals out of a sewage treatment plant."

So let's all hope optimism that things will get better is the same as things actually getting better. Because while we have lots of evidence of one, it's that second rascal we're having a hard time getting a bead on.

Oh, that's nice

US Recovery Is Far Off, Banks Are 'Basically Insolvent': Soros

The U.S. economy is in for a "lasting slowdown" and could face a Japan-style period of relatively low growth coupled with high inflation, billionaire investor George Soros said on Monday.

Soros, speaking to Reuters Financial Television, also warned that rescuing U.S. banks could turn them into "zombies" that draw the lifeblood of the economy, prolonging the economic slowdown.

"I don't expect the U.S. economy to recover in the third or fourth quarter so I think we are in for a pretty lasting slowdown," Soros said, adding that in 2010 there might be "something" in terms of U.S. growth.
...
The healing of the banking system and housing markets is crucial to recovery. "The banking system, as a whole, is basically insolvent," Soros said.

You always like to hear this kind of optimism from billionaire investors who not only looked at the problems and correctly predicted losses, but have somehow found ways to make money betting investing nowadays. Still though, "basically"? Seems more like we can strike that from the phrase and just state "the banks are insolvent". That's essentially why we have these long drawn out procedures in place for paying good money for bad assets. If we actually payed the real value of these assets, the banks would probably fail faster than you can say Greatest Depression. But what does George Soros know?

On the other hand, TV smart guy and financial whiz kid Jimmy Cramer says the Depression is over. Given his financial predictive record that John Stewart kindly melted down, froze, and repeatedly violated him with for a half an hour, you should be worried. He's about a week off from calling for a virgin sacrifice to fix the economy and two weeks out from saying the virgin sacrifice was performed incorrectly and that he can't be blamed for it going wrong and not working.

So let me see here. On one hand we have a billionaire investor talking about how things won't get better soon and a Nobel economist knocking the methods which we are getting out of the crisis on a daily basis. On the other hand we have Jim Cramer and Wall Street CEO's saying things are OK and all the plans are great. Yeah, this is a good feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. Totally not throw-up related at all.

America's latest cry for help

Why yes, this is what the face of Jesus looks like.

What is this, you might ask. The greatest thing ever or merely the greatest culinary achievement in American history? It is a McChicken sandwich in between a double cheeseburger. And it can be yours for $2.16, provided you can stand eating it over the blaring sound of the Star Spangled Banner that a chorus of bald eagles will start singing the minute you order it.

They call it the McGangbang and if you want one you'll probably just have to order the two components separately, because repeatedly asking loudly for a McGangbang in a crowded McDonald's will probably get you arrested/scar children eating their Finding Nemo Happy Meals.

America has reached its creative and culinary pinnacle, there is nowhere to go but down. Which, by sheer coincidence, is what's already happening due to the horrific financial apocalypse. In fact I think the McGangbang is foretold in Revelations as a herald of doom. Pre-Seven Seals and Horsemen, but around the same time as Fast&Furious opening #1 and the world economy going in the shitter. The mark of the beast is quadruple bypass scars. Chow down.

Awwwwwwww

Madoff's yacht seized on French Riviera

French authorities on the Cote d'Azur have chained up his $7 million yacht "Bull" at a port in the exclusive Mediterranean enclave of Cap d'Antibes, between Cannes and Nice.

Bailiffs threw a heavy chain around the boat's propeller on Friday after a court granted the request by French investment firm Meeschaert, one of the many former investors in one of Madoff's funds that is now suing to get some of its clients' money back.

The Bull was seized "just in time," lawyer Philippe Rames of Gide Loyrette Nouel told the Associated Press. "It seems that the people who were taking care of the boat were getting ready to move it to more accommodating waters," said Rames, who is working for Meeschaert on the case.

A warning posted by the bailiffs on the boat reads: "Important: Do not turn on the motors, considering that the propellers are chained."

It's a shame. Of the things this global financial meltdown produces that I most wanted to see, a crew of Madoff flunkies roaming the high seas evading creditors, evading any fiscal payments or asset forfeiture to Madoff's debtors had to be near the top of the list. They'd wear little Madoff themed naval uniforms, run a flag (Madoff's head on a $100 bill) up the mizzenmast, and raid the fishing boats and party cruisers of the middle class. Maybe Mrs. Madoff declaring their penthouse a sovereign pirate nation would be as good, but what are the odds of that happening? It's too bad the damned French police had to get in the way of my dreams.

Collect 'em all.

Bernie Madoff on a baseball card

"I'll trade you two Bernie Madoffs for a Derek Jeter and David Wright."

Baseball card collectors could soon be saying something along those lines as the Topps Company will be issuing a trading card of confessed swindler Bernard Madoff as part of a product due out early this summer.

The Topps 2009 Allen & Ginter release will include cards of some 260 baseball players along with cards of historic figures and "world champions" from realms outside baseball. This year's product, though, will also nod to Madoff's financial chicanery as part of a group of cards featuring the "world's biggest hoaxes, hoodwinks and bamboozles." Among the other do-badders in the subset are Charles Ponzi, The Runaway Bride, and Enron.

Ahh Topps, PT Barnum would be proud. Commemorate swindlers and cheats inflating the value of worthless things......on pieces of cardboard with pictures on it that sell for millions of dollars in some cases. I bet you didn't make an "Ironic Realizations" card for that revelation though.

How much are these cards worth? Topps says $60 billion, but investigators say it's probably much less. The cards should eventually be worth something some day as most people, when confronted by a Madoff card, will shred it, tear it, or burn it. So someday it'll be a rare collectors item. Just kidding, it'll be as worthless as his firm's assets. Just one more indignity for Bernie. First he loses his fortune, becomes a public pariah, goes to jail (presumably), and then it turns out his baseball card is worth less than the Billy Ripken "Fuck Face" card. Ouch.

Quote of the day: Apology tour

Gremlins are to blame. Who knew?

Eliot Spitzer on whoring ruining his political career and the films of Zach Galligan:

"I, Matt, like most of us, I suppose -- I won't speak for anybody else. I have flaws. I've tried to think about it deeply, address it," he said. "As I say, there are no excuses. I've tried to address these gremlins and confront them. What I did was an egregious violation of trust to my family, colleagues and the state. I paid a price and appropriately so."

Later, Lauer asked Spitzer to "give me some ballpark, some estimation of how long this went on and how frequently." The former governor was vague: "Not frequently, not long in the grand context of my life."

You know Eliot, I'm fine with politicians whoring around and cheating on their wives. Really. Unless it's some moral crusader and shows some massive hypocrisy I could care less. But in our crotch obsessed media and elections process this stuff does matter. So when you go on your big apology tour it's best not to shift your mistake on to invisible critters you have to do mental battle with to not bang prostitutes. Also a good idea? Not to say your time spent nailing hookers was small compared to the epochal expanse of the entire history of the universe.

Next time anyone asks? "I like sex and didn't think about the political/familial ramifications." and "I only nailed hookers for a year or two." No gremlin, critter, chud, or mind goblin references. No attempts to weigh your choices against the breadth of human history.

Talkin' Turkey

Today Barack Obama made the first trip to a Muslim nation in eight years that didn't involve us waking up one morning and finding out the President went overseas in absolute secrecy in order to not be subject to rocket attacks and planned bombings, and involves a meeting with a Muslim leader that for the first time in years does not have the Muslim leader taking orders or watching the President hang out with the troops that are stationed inside his country. President Obama also wants to make it absolutely clear that despite evidence to the contrary and statements from he previous administration, we are not, repeat not, at war with all Muslims. We also hate North Korea too.

Urging a greater partnership with the Islamic world in an address to the Turkish parliament, Obama called the country an important U.S. ally in many areas, including the fight against terrorism. He devoted much of his speech to urging a greater bond between Americans and Muslims, portraying terrorist groups such as al Qaida as extremists who do not represent the vast majority of Muslims.

"Let me say this as clearly as I can," Obama said. "The United States is not and never will be at war with Islam. In fact, our partnership with the Muslim world is critical ... in rolling back a fringe ideology that people of all faiths reject."

The U.S. president is trying to mend fences with a Muslim world that felt it had been blamed by America for the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

In fairness to us, we only thought that because it was mostly true. Unsurprisingly this trip to Turkey is fraught with perils, including not mentioning a century old genocide against Armenians, not rubbing in the collapse of the Ottoman Empire, supporting Turkey's fight against whatever the PKK is, and repeated assertions that "No, no no. It's those Muslims to the south of your country we don't like. You're the good Muslims: The Tangentially European Muslims."

Why is Turkey important? One: they have the second largest army in NATO and Obama has to be able to mention that a few times in front of Turkish leaders without drooling or moving plastic Turkish armies around on a Iraq battle map to prove he isn't like the last guy. Two: if we want to show the Muslim world we care and show a US President hob-knobbing with Muslim leaders, Turkey or North Africa are as close as Obama can get to appearing in public without a truly 'South American dictator' level police presence. So as long as Obama keeps it under control, the trip should rate as a victory. Which, for those of you scoring at home, raises our record in the Middle East relations to Cincinnati Bengals/Oakland Raiders territory.

Broken In Brief: Glenn Beck found balls-deep in aardvark

NEW YORK--The community of solipsistic, self-aggrandizing hackery was rocked early this morning when police, responding to a noise complaint at a Central Park West highrise, discovered conservative political commentator Glenn Beck sodomizing an aardvark.

Speaking on condition of anonymity given pending assault charges, an NYPD officer detailed the circumstances leading up to Beck's arrest. "We got three calls from three different people complaining about some god awful noise in the penthouse. As soon as my partner and I stepped off the elevator, we heard what sounded like a trumpet trying to mate with a rugby team. We knocked several times and identified ourselves, standard operating procedure, but nobody came to the door. So we forced entry and, well, there he was, buried to the hilt in that aardvark."

Sources close to the department report that Beck was indeed found naked with his erect penis firmly lodged in the nocturnal, burrowing animal native to southern Africa. According to the police report, the bestselling author and former talk radio mainstay was weeping uncontrollably, his wails of "I love my country so much" issued in-time with his pelvic thrusts. By the time officers arrived, the animal had been dead for some time, although Beck did not seem to have noticed.

Proclaimed one first-year patrolman in between dry heaves "We found a pile of discarded... soiled... and... used... Twin Towers memorabilia in the corner of his apartment next to a ten-gallon tub of lube. It seems he got tired of repeatedly violating 9/11 and moved on to this poor creature." The rookie trailed off into sobs and cries of "There's so much evil in the world" before a senior officer came over to calm down the young man and tell him that everything was going to be alright.

At press time, the authorities were still attempting to contact the aardvark's family.

Hawkeye for the gay guy

Good new gay community, a state supreme court has ruled that same-sex marriage is legal. That state is....Iowa? Rural Iowa? Heartland Iowa? The Iowa that's in America? We are talking about that Iowa, right, not some French island of Iowa in the Carribean? Well I'll be damned.

In an unanimous decision, the Iowa Supreme Court upheld the right of same-sex couples to marry. The court, which was reviewing a district court decision allowing six gay couples to marry, found that “limiting civil marriage to a union between a man and a woman violates the equal protection clause of the Iowa Constitution”:

In a unanimous decision, the Iowa Supreme Court today held that the Iowa statute limiting civil marriage to a union between a man and a woman violates the equal protection clause of the Iowa Constitution.

The decision strikes the language from Iowa Code section 595.2 limiting civil marriage to a man and a woman. It further directs that the remaining statutory language be interpreted and applied in a manner allowing gay and lesbian people full access to the institution of civil marriage.

Iowa becomes the fourth state to legalize gay marriage and if the hysterical reactions of Iowa State Senate Republicans are any indication, it will become the second state to try to overturn that court ruling through a constitutional amendment. So there's that. But still, gay marriage and not civil unions or some such watered down version of rights, was viewed as constitutionally valid in a Midwest state's Supreme Court. Well done, Hawkeye State. We'll probably have to rescind the kudos after you codify discrimination into your Constitution, lest the gays take over the corn industry. But still, who would have thought? Iowa.

Christmas come early

Bill O'Reilly Plans Barack Obama Book

In a Page Six interview, popular right-wing pundit Bill O'Reilly said is planning a book about President Barack Obama to be released next year.

The talk show host said he reads two or three books every week. O'Reilly has sold millions of copies of his books, and there are eight titles currently sold on his website, including "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids."

Here's more from the interview: "My next book, out the latter part of 2010, is on Obama. He's becoming a historical figure not because he's black, but because his liberal agenda is taking the country in a direction we've never been before."

What's that, Think Progress? You're going to be kept in business for another year just because of this book? Good to hear. Media Matters has also come out to announce that it will in no way strangle its own mother to get an advance copy. Kieth Olbermann hass reportedly placed a large three ring binder on his lap so no staffers can see the erection this news gave him.

300 pages of O'Reilly whining about the liberalism of a black guy. I'm sure this book will in no way be racist or hilarious.

Budgetry

The first Obama budget passed the House and Senate today, meaning we will get to stick China with one last multi-billion IOU before our country collapses in on itself. The House budget is $3.6 trillion and includes a deficit of $1.2 trillion, while the Senate budget is $3.5 trillion with a $1.2 trillion deficit. Crafty Senators, less money, same deficit. That's top notch work, boys. In actuality both deficits are an improvement over this year's deficit of $1.8 trillion. All in all there were many boring platitudes and cheap accusations to be handed out.

"It's going to take a lot of work to clean up the mess we inherited, and passing this budget is a critical step in the right direction," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., said. "Staying true to these priorities will help turn around the economy for the many Americans who are underwater right now."

Republicans in both houses accused Democrats of drafting plans that would hurt the recession-ravaged economy in the long run, rather than help it, and saddle future generations with too much debt.

"The administration's budget simply taxes too much, spends too much and borrows too much at a moment when we can least afford it," said the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.

What happened with the Republican budget plans that totally didn't cause deficits and diddle the economy with debt? Not much. Apparently the Ryan pamphlet/joke budget they handed out to a incredulous media only garnered 137 Republican votes. John McCain's budget never materialized. I guess he's going to wait until next week to unveil it. All in all no Republicans voted for the budget, just like no Republicans vote for practically anything the White House wants passed.

In other news, two democrat Senators, Ben "That number sounds too high" Nelson and Evan "I lead a group of Senate moderates who ascribe to no unified ethos or even vote together" Bayh, crossed over to vote against the budget. Why? No reason other than the budget was in no danger of failure and you don't get your name in the paper for agreeing with your party. Rest easy, there was enough bipartisan consensus to tack on an amendment to give a tax break to people who inherit more than $7 million. Why not? These people clearly earned that money. This is the bipartisanship we're in danger of losing if Democrats try to pass anything through the reconciliation process. Rest easy. Budget passed, money borrowed, future mortgaged, Paris Hilton's future secured. Time to lean back and put your feet on the desk, the important work is done.

Obama hits France

That secret? A sprig of juniper in his shoe every morning. Really freshens things up.

Barry left the G20 summit to go on his first official non-summit/non-Canada state visit. First up on the menu was France, where Barry palled around with Nicolas Sarkozy just a day after he had to break up the French President's slappy fight with Hu Jintao. France has rolled out the red carpet for President Obama and has generally done all the things we did not do for Gordon Brown when he came to the US for his state visit. Don't remember that visit? It more or less involved no carpets, no televised speeches, and ended with Obama shoving Brown out the door with an armful of DVD's the White House had laying around. But Barry doesn't get that kind of treatment. Nope it's all big crowds, big welcomes, and important discussions about NATO.

President Barack Obama won enthusiastic support for his new Afghan war strategy on Friday from French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who pledged more police trainers and civilian aid.

NATO leaders have been reluctant to commit significant new military forces to the deadlocked conflict despite Obama's plan to add 21,000 U.S. troops to the force of 38,000 fighting the rising insurgency. Europeans have been more enthusiastic about increasing humanitarian and development aid than adding soldiers.

"We totally endorse and support America's new strategy in Afghanistan," Sarkozy told a joint news conference after talks with Obama. France will contribute to the new U.S. approach with development assistance and more training for police, Sarkozy said.

Ahh NATO, always on board for police and grain sacks, never really on board for soldiers. It's all right, we'll just do what we always do: sprinkle in a dozen Dutch soldiers, a smattering of Spaniards, a French dinghy, and a German lieutenant with 75,000 American soldiers and viola, we have our NATO force. It is NATO's birthday, so there will be a party with hats, cake, mini-crepes, and a discussion about whether letting in the Ukraine and Georgia at the same time or one by one would tweak the Russians more.

All in all the visit will focus mainly on Afghanistan, Sakozy's efforts in Georgia, NATO, and the overarching goal of Barry's foreign jaunts: to convince the world that he really is going to listen to them, that all the stuff they hated about Bush is mostly gone, and America is now capable of acting like adults again. One advantage Obama has over Bush: he knew what the G20 was. That'll win some Europeans over.

Broken News: Mexican drug cartels falling into trite Scarface stereotypes

JUAREZ—With the Mexican drug war entering yet another bloody month as the government and drug gangs fight over a multi-billion dollar illegal empire, there are increasingly signs of strife within the cartels. The impasses stem not from the escalating body counts, open war with the police and military, or the daily threat of impending death. Rather, sources say mid-level operatives are concerned that the extravagant lifestyle and machismo of the narcotics business has prompted cartel leaders to devolve into shopworn stereotypes of criminal culture.

“I’m walking around the pool of El Jefe’s mansion last month and you know what I see?” says a man identified only as Santino, a supplier for Baja’s El Guapo Sydicate. “A fucking Bengal tiger on a chain over by one of the palm trees. We’re out there trying to lay out distribution schedules and pickup dates and there’s a man eating animal on a flimsy looking chain in the corner. How can somebody concentrate with that 10 feet from you?"

He continued. "Jefe keeps getting up and giving these self-important speeches about money, power, and loyalty, strolling around in front of the tiger making these grandiose gestures. Finally his men bring out a guy they said betrayed the cartel and, after a long speech about betrayal, throws him to the tiger. Except the tiger isn't hungry and we waste the entire meeting trying to coax it into eating the guy. Finally Jefe just let us shoot the man. How can you run a business this way?”

Santino went on to provide detailed accounts, photographs, and expense reports of some of the more arcane expenditures. Included amongst the expenditures were the tiger, 1980’s style speed boats and Ferraris, gaudy faux-Italian marble statues, wide lapelled flowered shirts, and a multi-tiered plan to hunt and kill both Robert Loggia and F. Murray Abraham.

“The worst is the desk covered in blow,” said former gang member Savio Calderon, currently in prison. “It's gotta have a street value of at least $2 million to even look like a big pile and my boss had a fucking sand castle on his desk. He didn’t even do drugs, but he’s like ‘Savio, I’ve got an image to keep up here’ and going on and on about what people will think. I’m like ‘sell this and make some money.’ That is what we’re here to do, right?"

"The worst is when someone opens a door to come in, then the wind gusts and coke goes everywhere. You ever get cocaine in your eyes? It fucking stings.”

Others within the industry are quick to point out that the Scarface phase is preferable to the Godfather phase, where ultra-violent retribution and financial excess are replaced with Machiavellian scheming, backstabbing, infighting, Shakespearean drama, and interminable speeches about family.

“Ever have to sit through a 20 minute monologue on ‘way things used to be’ after a betrayal or murder over what amounts to pennies? It’s unbearable,” notes Carlos Vega, a member of the Cholo Bros. Cartel of Tijuana. “It really sucks all the fun out of being a drug dealing gangster.”

Most place the blame on the limited film libraries of the major cartel leaders as well as the lack of penetration of lesser known crime films into the Mexican pop culture consciousness. While films and TV shows like Traffic, Goodfellas, and The Sopranos haven’t made it across the border, the American rap industry, replete with its worship of Scarface and the Godfather, has been a mainstay for years.

“Here’s my brilliant idea,” Mr. Vega says. “How about the next time someone in this industry excitedly picks up a copy of Scarface, we slap it out of his hands? Maybe we start reading about building a high yield agri-business. How about we buy the Departed? That’s a good movie about gangsters, why don’t we watch that? If I have to hear one more ‘I’m the bad guy’ or ‘I’ll make ‘em an offer he can’t refuse’ speech I’m going back to contract killings for the CIA.”

Until that shift happens the drug war will rage on, enacting a horrible toll on the film tastes and originality of those who are swept up by it.

If you lick her, she tastes like the back of a stamp

The President and First Lady pose at Madame Tussauds with a wax sculpture of Queen Elizabeth II... we think.

Quote of the day

Glen Beck, deciding that yesterday's Colbert induced castration wasn't really vicious enough, decided to speak up again.

It all adds up to me, having to admit that I was wrong. Our government is not marching down the road towards communism or socialism.

Oh, Christ, I'm sorry Glen. Looks like I jumped the gun and attacked you before I knew what you said. That comment showed some real contrition and humility and I....oh, you weren't done?

But now I have to tell you that they’re not marching us that direction. They’re marching us to a non-violent fascism. Or to put it another way, they’re marching us to 1984. Big Brother. … Like it or not, fascism is on the rise.

There's the Glen Beck we know and love: relentlessly stupid and paranoid! In Beck's defense he clearly went on to say he didn't mean Hitler/Nazi fascism.....then gave this little speech in front on a video wall running images and video of the Nazi's. Does anybody on Fox actually know what the words socialism, communism, or fascism mean? Someone get Beck a dictionary, a history book, and a 4th grade World Studies teacher.

I just want to thank Beck and his fellow conservative intellectuals. If it weren't for them how would I know that everything Democrats are doing is in some way comparable to Hitler, worse than Hitler, sending us on the road to Hitlerville, has that minty aroma of Hitler, or has rising concerns of Hitlerism? Now I know: everything is Hitler.

Complete asshole to testify today

AIG Debacle Not My Fault, Says Greenberg; Testifies Today

As Congress presses for answers on what went wrong at American International Group Inc. and what to do next, lawmakers are turning Thursday to the man who built the small insurer into a world-wide conglomerate.

Maurice R. "Hank" Greenberg, 83 years old, is scheduled to appear before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. He plans to argue for slimming down the government's stake in AIG and pressuring trading partners that got huge payments as a result of the insurer's bailout to funnel some of that money back into AIG as an investment.
...
"I don't feel any responsibility at all" for AIG's problems, Mr. Greenberg said in the interview. "How can I be responsible for something that occurred when I'm not there?"
...
"Of course, I lost considerable net worth," said Mr. Greenberg, who also heads another firm, C.V. Starr & Co. "But I'm working. My life is not materially changed."

So you ran AIG for 38 years, but because the company didn't completely collapse until after you were removed for numerous scandals and illegal business practices, it is in no way your fault. Oh, you're a peach Hank. It would be completely unfortunate if you were to fall into a combine harvester. We'd lose so much.

Luckily he's going to testify in front of the the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee today, so one of those lucky duckies gets to ask him if he's fucking high. Of course because this is America, his testimony is being protested by the Republican party who don't feel it's useful to talk to the guy who ran AIG for nearly four decades and AIG itself has already started sending out attack dossiers to try to discredit him. First thing AIG put on that list to make Greenberg seem incompetent and morally bankrupt: he worked for AIG for 4+ decades. That's some tough but fair criticism. The attack piece is called "the Greenberg Legacy" and dumps the entire AIGFP credit default swap mess at his feet. What it means is that they probably wont dot any I's with hearts or affix any smiley face stickers to whatever large bonus payment they haven't made to him yet.

All in all, it should be a good day. We either get substantive testimony about what happened or we get to see a dissembling cryptkeeper try to pretend he wasn't running AIG for four decades. Truth after it's too late to do anything or the comedy of outrage, it's all we have to look forward to anymore.

Class photo

The G20 group photo, otherwise known as the last photo of the world leadership that existed before global chaos devolved society into feudal city-states.

As and extra bonus try and spot which world leader isn't in the photo. It'll probably be easy since, as an American, we are all acutely aware of who the leaders of other countries are. Here's a hint: it's the leader from our closest ally and largest trading partner. No, not China. Whiter. Not the UK. But it is a fellow opressee of those limey colonialists. That's right, Canada's PM Stephen Harper is missing!

Some say he missed the photo because he was getting briefed on G20 business, while UK papers took the high road and said he missed the photo because he was in the bathroom. They retook the photo later and Barry was kind enough to give Harper shit about missing the photo. Only problem was this time Silvio Berlusconi was missing. No one is sure where he went, in fact he's probably dead. The G20 summit will move on without him.

Though it does really give one hope about the leadership of the world. They're tasked with fixing a global financial crisis and they can't even organize a group photo at the event they're all attending.

Just like the fortune cookie game

Join us, foul readers, for the next great step in that most hallowed Internet tradition: slandering others anonymously. The device? Said in Bed (dot com), a brand new repository for pillow talk. There are literally only a couple dozen contributions thus far, so please indulge the world and add a few. Perhaps one day you, too, will be anonymously famous for saying “The liberals are ruining this country” in bed.

Broken in Brief: G20 Spouse luncheon turns catty

LONDON--An otherwise cordial opening to this week's G20 summit quickly turned sour as a luncheon for spouses of member country leaders held at London's famous The Fat Duck grew tense and eventually descended to outright catty.

According to a member of the waitstaff who requested anonymity on the basis of retaining gainful employment, the spouses of the world's most powerful leaders barely lasted through the soup course. "Soon as 'at French bird refused the beef and truffle stew, the temperature in the place must've gone down ten degrees," said the server in a clear reference to Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, songwriter, former model, and wife to French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

"Once 'at happen, the Souf' American lady [Cristina Frenandez de Kirchner, wife of Argentinian President Nestor Kirchner] and the Spanish lass [Sonsoles Espinosa, married to Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero] started whisperin' to each ova in Spanish and all gigglin' loike."

Added the anonymous server, "I suppose 'anorexic ancient rock star cum dumpster' is pretty much the same in every language, yeah?"

It was at this point that Bruni took umbrage and commented on the size of both her assailants' hind quarters, using their native tongue. Ms. Bruni then allegedly employed English -- a common language between the three -- to refer in a less-than-diplomatic manner to the Moorish influence on Spanish DNA.

Soon thereafter, America's First Lady, Michelle Obama, removed her earrings and stood up from the table, yelling, "Will you ignorant-ass bitches please shut the fuck up?" before being sandwiched and restrained by Margarita Zavala, Mexico's First Lady, and Laureen Harper, wife of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

Sources report that Joachim Sauer, husband to German Prime Minister Angela Merkel, watched these entire proceedings contentedly, a large decortive beer stein in one hand and his other resting almost motionless in his lap.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 4.1

Super Bowl Loss Can 'Kill' Some Fans
I knew the Steelers winning the Super Bowl meant more than just bragging rights over 31 other cities, it turns out the XLIII victory meant that the Steelers Nation will live longer. Now if they could just figure out how many years Super Bowls XL and XLIII added to my life and computate it with how many years the Kordell Stewart helmed AFC Championship games took off it. According to science if the Steelers are able to string together three SB victories in a row everyone in Pittsburgh will become functionally immortal. Highlanders. So draft some fucking lineman already so we can live forever.

Unions protest Joe the Plumber in Pittsburgh.
What's that? A union town doesn't like a mongoloid political novelty act come to town to bash unions and ignorantly pontificate on things he doesn't understand? For future reference: Republicans, if you want to send someone to advocate to unions that they should willingly sodomize themselves, don't send the scab plumber.

McCain Rumored To Be Working His Own Budget
Oh dear God, someone kindly tell him he lost and no one cares. Let me guess what his budget is: no earmarks, tax cuts for the rich, some paen to the working class about how government needs to tighten its belt just like the regular folks do in tough times, and something named after Reagan. I know it's April 1st and all but can the GOP stop releasing so many joke budgets? As we demonstrate here daily, jokes become less funny after you ram them into the ground a few thousand times.

FARC guerillas fail in bid to kill defence minister after spelling mistake
Pobody's nerfect in FARC. I can just imagine the conversation. "You wanted me to kill Jose Rodriguez? I thought you said Jose Bodriguez! DOH!" followed by a comical slap to his forehead, the sad trombone, studio audience laughter, and the sound of gunfire as he's shot to death by a firing squad out back. Actually it's even dumber: they misspelled "policia" on their fake police gear. Boy are they gonna get made fun of in prison.

Luxury Property - The Luxury Real Estate Authority
If you'd like to trainwreck gawk at the misery of the rich there's the Luxury Property Blog. A place where you can see all the hot new foreclosed mega-mansions that are up for sale. Perhaps laugh as some poor baron's castle and mega-yacht are put up for sale. It's OK to laugh, they're rich and thus don't have real human feelings or emotions. Remember to point.

HBO sets drama series in Treme with focus on city's musicians
What's that, David Simon, creator of the Wire and Generation Kill? Writing a new TV show for HBO? About post-Katrina New Orleans? It follows destitute musicians trying to get back on their feet and it stars Bunk and Freamon from the Wire? Sounds like like a typical Simon appointment viewing epic for those of us who get a huge tragedy boner from depressing TV. I'll get my TiVO ready.

Colbert's 10/31 Project

Because even great comedians can't resist pistol whipping Glenn Beck.

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The 10/31 Project
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Product whore of the day

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

In the sub-zero wasteland of the planet Hoth, only the strong survive... and of course those lucky Jedi protected by the thick skin of a Tauntaun. Now after exhaustive movie viewing research and analysis ThinkGeek Labs has isolated the exact synthetic compounds needed to re-create Tauntaun fur. What have we done with this supreme knowledge? Created a Tauntaun sleeping bag of course.

Is it wrong or pathetic that I'm mad they don't make an adult version? At least me make some intestine sheets, I'll find the grey fur duvet on my own.

B&E: Financial crisis style

G-20 Protesters Break Into Royal Bank Of Scotland

In London thousands of G-20 protesters jammed downtown London on Wednesday and some tried to storm the Bank of England, pelting police with eggs and fruit and rocking the barricades designed to control them.

Demonstrators shouted "Abolish Money!" and clogged streets in the financial district known as "The City" even as Prime Minister Gordon Brown and President Barack Obama held a news conference elsewhere in the British capital.

Protesters had branded the day "Financial Fool's Day" ahead of Thursday's summit of world leaders who are gathering in hopes of resolving the global financial crisis that has lashed nations and workers worldwide.

Oh G20 and G8 protesters you always amuse, what with your hectoring puppets, maceable faces, terrible slogans, and political ideas a college freshman would chortle at. I'm sure the G20 will get right on that abolishing money thing. But then what will your parents use to pay for your air and hotel fare to go to these protests? Hemp? A shitty poem? Listen, you have the same problem as PETA: some laudable ideas surrounded by insane bullshit, methods that make decent people cringe, and tactics that discredit your ideas before you even utter them. Here's a suggestion for the next summit: put the anarchy/abolish all economies/property is theft people at the back, try not to riot at the sight of cops/capitalism, and more serious puppets.

Sarkozy "to save plant" after staff detain bosses

French President Nicolas Sarkozy pledged on Wednesday to save a factory run by U.S. bulldozer maker Caterpillar Inc, where staff angry over layoffs detained four managers for 24 hours.
...
Workers at the Caterpillar plant locked the site's director, head of human resources and two other managers in an office on Tuesday in a bid to force them back into negotiations over redundancy terms, a trade union official said.

A senior police officer negotiated on Tuesday a resumption of talks between unions and management at Caterpillar, but the management were not able to leave and spent the night there.

Calling France cowards is always the go to Z-grade joke for hacks/right wingers/Dennis Miller, but they'll riot at the drop of a hat. This is the third such incident following a office locking of the head of Sony France and shop owners going ape merde on Francois-Henri Pinault. That last one could have just been over the fact that he's a billionaire and nailing Salma Hayek, and not the economy/layoffs. In any event: American workers, I think you've just been handed your blueprint. Don't like the bailouts or your company handing out bonuses to executives and firing you? Take hostages! If you want to really rub some ironic salt in the wound call them financial enemy combatants and claim you're just detaining them.

Itinerary

The G-20 meetings in London are underway as of this morning and after all the world leaders are done pulling off their 'months in the making' April Fools pranks they'll get down to talking some tough platitudes about issues facing the world. What's on Obama's menu? Hang out with the Queen, an appearance with the guy who'll probably be running the UK later this year, meetings with the two biggest attention whores, Russia and China, who want to monopolize his time with their issues, and then the big important G20 meet and greets. Also on today's schedule for Barry:

• Walk by Argentina and South Africa, tell them you're too busy to talk to them. Laugh privately about it while you're in the bathroom conducting that "important business".
• Wonder if everyone else is jealous just because the US and Japan came out with their own branded sports drink: G2.
• Turn down parking lot BJ from Gordon Brown.
  
• Eye up the room, judging the participants for tonight's post-dinner all-leader orgy. Total sausage fest.
• Listen to China talk about moving to a standard currency for global transactions. Relay story about Michelle Bachmann and her fears of Chinese money on American streets. Watch as China gets eerily quiet. Dear God, was she right?
• Three way Judo exhibition with Putin and brown bear.
• Awkward elevator ride with Mexico. Dontmentiondrugwar dontmentiondrugwar dontmentiondrugwar.
• Bump into Gordon Brown in halls, explain there's no need for him to feel ashamed about earlier. Apologize for the fact that the DVD's you gave him during his US visit were the wrong region. Promise to get him a correct set soon, but deep down know that David Cameron is going to be the one getting those DVD's.
• Break out "Doing World Leader shit" excuse to wife. Works even better than "Doing Presidential shit" and "I'm sorry I can't talk about us, I have this little thing called the economy to fix."
• Run into South Korea and Indonesia. Who let them in here? Mutter to Sarkozy about stricter membership requirements.
• Promise to Andrea Merkel there will be no forthcoming awkward back rubs/bad touching. It's OK for her to come out of her room.
• Depressing talk about economy. Listen to 19 different versions of "We're waiting for the US to act decisicely" speech.
• Kill anybody who mentions Paul Krugman.
• Head back to hotel. Sleep.
  

HULK VINDICATE!

This is a joke, right? Right? A little good-natured April Fool's ribbing by the Justice Department?

The Justice Department has asked a judge to drop corruption charges against former Sen. Ted Stevens, saying prosecutors withheld evidence from the trial that led to his conviction.

Damn, that's some funny shit. You kids at Justice sure know how to cook a story.

The 85-year-old Alaska Republican was convicted late last year on seven felony counts of lying on Senate financial disclosure forms to conceal hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts and home renovations from a businessman.

Yeah, seven counts. Seven. No way the team prosecuting this case could have screwed the pooch that badly, right? The more elaborate the lie, the more easily it'll be believed, right?

In early morning court filings Wednesday, the Justice Department said prosecutors withheld evidence from Stevens' defense team that could have been used at trial. Prosecutors asked that the charges be dropped.

Jesus... Well, they'll just declare a mistrial and haul his goldbricking ass back into court all over again, right?

They said they will not seek a new trial.

But we had all of these "Ted the Pin Cushion" and "Dartboard Hulk" jokes already written... Fuck it. I'm going back to bed.