Video of the day

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly bludgeons Joe Bastardi to death with facts, common sense, and science on the subject of global warming. Some might call Bill the winner of this debate because he calmly and rationally debated the facts while an agitated midget kept trying to talk over him. Other wags might declare Nye the loser because he even deigned to debate the subjects of truth and science with a braying jackass on the show of another, larger braying jackass on Fox News.

But no, we're the loser because we treat this shit like there's an actual debate and getting Bill Nye on TV to offer a counterpoint to nonsense is actually a massive leap forward for the standard of debate within our newsmedia. Do you think this goes on in Sweden or the UK? No, America is the loser.

Gold, women, sheep

Stephen Colbert looks at the linkup between conservative commentators and precious metals and Mad Men's John Slattery tries to prepare us for the post-apocalyptic nightmare future that we all know is coming.

Broken In Brief: Dobbs, O'Reilly to declare love live tonight

NEW YORK--Fresh off being bribed to leave his amicable departure from CNN, Lou Dobbs will be a featured guest on tonight's episode of The O'Reilly Factor. While the official network line claims that Dobbs will be there to discuss the circumstances surrounding his resignation with a sympathetic ear -- O'Reilly has repeatedly defended Dobbs -- TheseBastards has learned that the two cable news heavyweights may have ulterior motives.

"They are over the moon for each other," gushed a high-level Fox News source, on condition of anonymity for fear of inducing vomit. "When they met a couple years ago at a Minuteman fundraiser/book burning in Arizona, it was love at first sight."

Apparently, the two were very moved by last week's episode of Oprah wherein Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi professed their love for one another. Given the abrupt nature of Dobbs' departure from CNN and O'Reilly's exclusive access to the portly xenophobe, the parties believe that this is the ideal moment to show the world just how deeply and passionately they respect each other over and over and over again.

Among the things they reportedly hope to pledge to each other tonight are a vow to defend the borders "standing back to back, shotguns in hand as the Mexicans stream over the fence," a solemn pledge to never stop trying to couch their elitist, right wing proclamations with the veil of working class populism, and to officially sign off on a schedule that designates which one of them is the "power bottom" over alternate two-week periods.

"It's just going to be so beautiful," the same source said, their eyes welling up with tears.

If the Dobbs/O'Reilly commitment ceremony goes off as well as hoped, it is expected Fox News will soon announce that a similar love jubilee will take place on Friday night between pundit Sean Hannity and a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself.

The source would neither confirm nor deny any amorous plans for Glenn Beck.

What are the odds?

Lou Dobbs to appear on The O’Reilly Factor next Monday

I guess this is the "constructive problem-solving" and the "working to change the crippling partisanship and ideology that define the public arena" that he talked about yesterday.

They are going to have such unwatchable sex.

I'd imagine so, Shep

Fox News anchor Shep Smith looking at the von Brunn shooting and von Brunn's racist white supremacists writings, his membership in the 9/11 truther movement, and his membership in the Obama is a Muslim/he never showed his birth certificate club. He decided that there was a seeming connection between the type of stuff von Brunn wrote and the sort of stuff he was being sent by Fox News viewers on an hourly basis.

Really Shep, Fox News viewers include a large portion of crazy right wingers? Nice of you to make the connection. Maybe you'd like to pass that message on to Glen Beck, Bill O'Reilly, and Sean Hannity. That is if you can get in a word edgewise in between their fevered ranting about encroaching socialism, encroaching fascism, one-world governments, Obama being the new Hitler, another civil war, the Mexicans that are stealing all our jobs, race wars, liberal conspiracies, the liberal media, and evil Moos-lams. If you can, maybe you'd like to draw a connection between their delusional paranoid, conspiracy rantings (I'm looking hardest at you, Beck) and these terrorists acts and the beliefs of the people who commit them.

Maybe it'll eventually dawn on them to conduct themselves like rational humans. OK, it clearly won't work on Beck, but it only probably won't work on Hannity or O'Reilly. Why not give it a shot, if only so you can sleep at night. It's gotta be rough as the only guy on Fox News with a conscience.

This will be uncomfortable TV

If there's any humor to be derived from the murder of abortion doctor George Tiller, and really what isn't funny about right wing murder/terrorism being perpetrated against doctors and women (over 6,100 times since 1971!) just weeks after many segments of the right wing got all agitated when they found out DHS was looking at homegrown right wing terrorists, it will be found on the O'Reilly Factor tonight.

Why? Because after he spends ten seconds talking about "how it isn't right to murder someone" he'll spend twenty seconds talking about "how it was inevitable" before generally excusing the crime. But then we'll hit the money part of the program where he'll go into full on attack mode. Why? Because people are starting to remember he did about 29 segments attacking Tiller, sent producers to harass the man, generally demonized him and anyone who knew him, and used phrases like "Tiller the Baby Killer" , called him a Nazi, Mengele, the moral equivalent of NAMBLA and al-Qaeda, and as an on the loose murder who authorities would never punish. Like in the video compilation below.



Oof. He's Bill O'Reilly, he's not going to walk any of that back. But he should end up giving Keith Olbermann a weeks worth of material. Stay classy Bill.

Shep's brain finally breaks

It must be rough being Shepard Smith. He seems to be the only guy on Fox News who honestly believes that the Fair and Balanced thing isn't just a large punchline to a 24-7 joke. He actually tries to be rational and balanced. But then after working day after day after fruitless and sould crushing day, the Fox News experience starts to get to him, slowly building up the rage and bile. Then Fox does something like try to defend torture 24-7 and Shep's brain melts down and he explodes during a segment where a purported judge is trying to justify torture.



Good Shep, you're a little late to the party, but thanks for coming. Well I guess that was one minute of the day where Fox wasn't completely whitewashing torture. Now excuse me, I have to go watch Bill O'Reilly try to browbeat a former Special Forces captain who doesn't think torture is the awesomest thing ever.

Christmas come early

Bill O'Reilly Plans Barack Obama Book

In a Page Six interview, popular right-wing pundit Bill O'Reilly said is planning a book about President Barack Obama to be released next year.

The talk show host said he reads two or three books every week. O'Reilly has sold millions of copies of his books, and there are eight titles currently sold on his website, including "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids."

Here's more from the interview: "My next book, out the latter part of 2010, is on Obama. He's becoming a historical figure not because he's black, but because his liberal agenda is taking the country in a direction we've never been before."

What's that, Think Progress? You're going to be kept in business for another year just because of this book? Good to hear. Media Matters has also come out to announce that it will in no way strangle its own mother to get an advance copy. Kieth Olbermann hass reportedly placed a large three ring binder on his lap so no staffers can see the erection this news gave him.

300 pages of O'Reilly whining about the liberalism of a black guy. I'm sure this book will in no way be racist or hilarious.

Sex advice from Bill O'Reilly

If you're looking to shed that winter weight in time for beach season, look no further than this collection of clips from the audio version of Those Who Trespass, as read by the High Prince of Loofah himself, Mr. Bill O'Reilly. After all, why diet when you can just vomit?

Some of our favorites:

"Off with those pants."

"I wish I were a lesbian."

"Yeah, and I react strongly to irresponsible, manipulative TV news programs."

Be sure to peruse the rest over at Alan Scherstuhl's Village Voice blog.

h/t Davin

O'Reilly on San Francisco

We try to post little bits of satire around here at These Bastards, but sometimes we bow in awe of the masters. Take Bill O'Reilly's "documentary" on San Francisco above. You'll will not find a more twisted, hilarious take on anything ever then O'Reilly's unbelievable take on a city he once wished a terrorist attack on and his serious intonations that this is what Barack Obama wants to turn Nebraska and Mayberry into. Soak it up, a master satirist is at work. San Francisco makes Sodom and Gomorrah look like church picnics.

Barrywatch

In an attempt to blunt the McCain speech, as if there might be the need to blunt what will likely be a mediocre speech given to one/fourth the audience of the DNC, Barack Obama is going to hold his nose and jump into the bottom of the barrel that exists at the bottom of another barrel. He's going on the O'Reilly Factor.

There Bill can grill Barack about the important issues America wonders about each night: stuff Bill Ayers did when Barack Was eight, if Barack is a super fundamentalist Muslim or a moderate one, loofah or falafel, whether Daily Kos is worse than the Klan or the Nazis, and why he wouldn't vote for a war hero like McCain and whether that makes him un-American. Lest Keith Olbermann punch a wall in anger, Barry is hitting MSNBC on Monday.