Good morning, with your morning radio zoo crew

That's right, it's Glenn Beck as part of Phoenix's Y95 Morning Zoo radio program in 1986, 4 short years before he allegedly raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Isn't it sad that a hackneyed, paint-by-numbers, "wacky" 1980's morning radio show was more dignified than what he's doing now? It's a shame he doesn't have access to a monkey now, I think it would really improve his program.

I wonder what the monkey is up to now? Perhaps the monkey killed and replaced Beck, wearing his clothes and face like a mask. It all makes so much sense. The shit flinging...the rage...the shrieking.

Let's get crazy

Ahh, it's good to have the old North Korea back. We missed them. We've spent too long dealing with terrorists, mullahs, and sheiks that we forgot what facing a truly crazy Bond villain was like. Classic Jong-Il, it's like a fine wine. Not only is he testing underground nukes and launching missiles into the sea, now he's kidnapping journalists and holing up in a shack, daring lawmakers to come and get him. Now they're threatening to launch those nukes if we damage their fragile emotional state.

Pyongyang raised tensions a notch by reviving its rhetoric in a commentary in the state-run Minju Joson newspaper Tuesday.

"Our nuclear deterrent will be a strong defensive means ... as well as a merciless offensive means to deal a just retaliatory strike to those who touch the country's dignity and sovereignty even a bit," said the commentary, carried by the official Korean Central News Agency.

It appeared to be the first time that North Korea referred to its nuclear arsenal as "offensive" in nature. Pyongyang has long claimed that its nuclear weapons program is a deterrent and only for self-defense against what it calls U.S. attempts to invade it.

The tough talk came as South Korea and the U.S. lead an effort at the U.N. Security Council to have the North punished for its nuclear test with tough sanctions.

OK, I understand the sovereignty bit, but dignity? You'll launch the surface to air nukes that you almost certainly don't have if we threaten your dignity? Good luck to Secretary Clinton. Never have I heard of a harder task than that of judging the dignity level of a failed state that barely has electricity, is starving its own people, is run by an insane midget on stilts, and has been reduced to kidnapping journalists and nuking the Pyongyang Field Gopher into non-existence.

How can a man with a personal waterslide, his own private choo choo train, and an ostrich farm be so tense? Take a train ride, ride an ostrich down the speed slide, and take a walk on your estate near the only existence of green grass in the country. Just hand over the journalists, stop nuking mineshafts, and we'll negotiate with you. What do you want anyway? A log flume ride? Designer ostrich saddles? They're yours. Just add in some sort of method to the madness, that's all we're asking.

The sporting event of the year

Now that we know who the best dancer on the field is, that Brian St. Pierre throws like a third string girl, and who the world's scariest transvestite is, we can all sleep soundly. Be Sunday already.