Broken News: Elite mathematicians unable to calculate AIG bonuses after factoring for success

NEW YORK—Today a group of elite mathematicians and numerologists from some of the world’s finest learning institutions announced that they were abandoning their attempt to figure out what the bonus payout for the financial products division of AIG would have been if the company had, instead of perpetuating the collapse of the global economy, actually made money in 2008.

Initiated after the announcement of $165 million in bonuses to the division that nearly ruined AIG, the project quickly descended into chaos. At the core of the disagreement was whether humans possess the mathematical sophistication required to express just how much money the executives and traders in question would have earned had their schemes borne fruit, or at least broken even.

"I just don't think a number exists that can accurately tells us what they would have earned," explained Dr. Francis Simon, Professor Emeritus of mathematics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "If bankrupting the world and crippling every financial institution in creation warrants a nine-figure bonus, well, I think it practically impossible to discern what the production of actual profit might have entailed."

Insiders say the group fractured while debating the merits of inventing new, higher descriptive numbers. Suggestions included "kajillion" and "bazillion," as well as a proposal to describe compensation in terms of land ownership. Specifically, 1 trillion suns or 40 billion solar systems. Unfortunately, tempers then flared over whether the group would be required to invent a new number to ascribe astronomical value to the sun. It was allegedly at this point that Carnegie Mellon University Astrophysics professor Charles B. Woo referred to Simon as the "Son of a two-balled bitch."

"After a short time, we came to realize that the exercise was ultimately futile," said Simon, obviously exhausted from the mental expenditure and minor scuffle that ensued after Dr. Woo's insult. "I think it's better for society if we continue not knowing what these financial wizards would have been owed."

Berkley Cognitive Psychologist Dr. Maureen McCarren echoed this assessment. "In light of the downturn, it's best we not ponder the true value of AIG's contribution to the economy. Given the vast mental faculties required to only fail as drastically as they did, I don't know that the amount of money required to compensate such genius even exists. From a conservation-of-psychic-energy perspective, this economic collapse was really a blessing."

The financial world was quick to react to the news. “If some of the best minds in the world can’t even conceive of the payments involved for a successful year, let alone formulate a method for which we could attain the necessary goods to exchange for a competent execution of duties, then maybe we need to reassess our payment structure,” observed Danny “Skunk” Walker of Ameriglobe Financial Services.

“If we can’t figure out the logistics of acquiring Jupiter, or at least its mineral rights, for a junior exec who managed not to kick out too many necessary pillars holding up the precariously balanced world economy, maybe we need to offer more esoteric social benefits like free murders or the secret to happiness. As long as that secret isn’t ‘amassing unfathomable amounts of land and money in return for basic competence’, then I think we’re golden.”

Still, other financial gurus note that such worries about reconfiguring the bonus structure are premature and that the mathematicians had essentially been wasting their time. “You really think the bonus system for these big corporations actually conceives of achievement?” asked a bewildered Peter Gurka, animal handler for CNBC’s Billy the Money Goat program. The whole system is based around covering up failure; success doesn’t even enter into the equation.”

He explained further, “The only two working business models on Wall Street are one: to either fake success by artificially making your company so large and its tentacles so weaved into the foundation of the economy that your failure has to be subsidized by the government or, two: to fake success by intertwining your business with a series of shell companies and loans between subsidiaries before cashing out and dumping it all on your successor. For the really large payments these scientists are talking about, Wall Street would have to abandon its entire business model. Fat chance.”

Regardless, the scientists are quick to caution that unless changes are eventually made, one of these galactic bonuses is going to have to be paid out. “Then what are we going to do?” Dr. Simon was quick ask. “It’s got to happen sometime, just by pure random chance. We need to be prepared. And once our civilization regroups after the inevitable nuclear holocaust, world rape and eventual banding together under one human flag? Saints alive, I don't even want to ponder the repercussions.”

Buy two

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See her rise to the ranks of governor and be transfixed as her evil archenemies in the media use her one weakness, questions, against her when she tries to bring her frontier justice to the lower 48. But she struggles on to return back to her icy fortress to do battle against those rotten fucking kids of Alaska and the teachers who enable them.

$3.99. Written by Garth Ennis. Art by Ben Templesmith.

Quote of the day

Lou Dobbs, with his xenophobic fears of the oppression of St. Patrick's day on people without any cultural background.

Yesterday on his radio show, anti-immigrant crusader Lou Dobbs attacked St. Patrick’s day as a needless “ethnic holiday.” “How about an American day,” he proposed. He also wondered whether other groups, like Jews or Asians, had “ethnic holidays,” but he couldn’t think of any:

Is there a Jewish ethnic holiday? Is there one? No. Okay. … How about an Asian ethnic holiday? Is there one? You know, St. Jing-Tao-Wow?

Nice. Did you have St. Ching-Chong-Chang all ready to go, but decided it was a little too racist? Still though, as Think Progress points out, other than Independence Day, Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther King Day, Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, Veterans Day and Memorial Day, there is no day to celebrate America. That's before you even remove MLK day as too black, Columbus day as too Italian, and Thanksgiving as too respectful of British immigrants and Indians. It's as if America has been forgotten.

On behalf of Sean and I, both born of shiftless potato farming stock, we would just like to apologize for our cultural heritage giving this country an excuse to get blackout drunk over the weekend and possibly again in the middle of the week. We're sorry we turned a guy eradicating snakes from Ireland into one long booze parade and created the greatest holiday ever. We won't do it again. Lou can replace it with St. America day next year. I thought Lou would have liked St. Patty's, it's religious and involves drunkenly telling Protestants to stick it. I guess too many laypeople confuse the green with 'Irish colors' instead of 'Catholic colors' for Lou to take much enjoyment.

Sex advice from Bill O'Reilly

If you're looking to shed that winter weight in time for beach season, look no further than this collection of clips from the audio version of Those Who Trespass, as read by the High Prince of Loofah himself, Mr. Bill O'Reilly. After all, why diet when you can just vomit?

Some of our favorites:

"Off with those pants."

"I wish I were a lesbian."

"Yeah, and I react strongly to irresponsible, manipulative TV news programs."

Be sure to peruse the rest over at Alan Scherstuhl's Village Voice blog.

h/t Davin

Hey Spain, ever hear of tax cuts?

It seems Spain has decided to use this financial collapse (and boy is Spain collapsing) to advance some sort of radical forward thinking plan to green up and advance their public transit infrastructure. Seems most of Europe is also doing the same. I'm guessing Spain has already cut their capital gains taxes so much that this was all they had left to do. Among the many projects is an electric car and charging hub program to be installed in parking garages and streets across the country. Most of the articles and blogs talking about the nitty gritty of this are in Spanish and filled with words like "dos huevos" and "electro banditos", so I'll let the people at Treehugger explain.

The pretty southern Spanish town of Seville has been chosen along with the capital Madrid and the northern hub Barcelona to implement the Movele pilot electric car infrastructure project proposed by the Spanish Ministry of Industry. The cities' energy authority will this year begin putting in place the recharging stations for an eventual fleet of 500 cars expected to be purchased partially by private owners and partially by the state (subsidized in both cases up to by 30% state funds). What's incredible (in the sense of being a bit hard to believe) is that the infrastructure of 75 charging stations in Sevilla alone is expected to be completed this year. Que será, será indeed!

Paris, Denmark, Portugal, and Israel are also doing similar plans. Furthermore the electric powering these stations in Denmark and Spain is largely going to be wind. What are we doing? If I read the stimulus bill correctly, we're investing in coal powered horses and developing a SUV that is powered by open pits of burning crude oil. That's about as green and public as our transportation gets. But don't worry our stimulus plan does call for the building of more highways and negotiating with idiots to take free money so all your teachers aren't fired.

I'm sure we won't come to regret that we didn't take this opportunity to massively expand our public transit infrastructure. Thankfully we have smart people in Congress who pushed for 40% of the stimulus to be tax cuts and always have a France/Europe joke ready when 'green' or 'public transport' is mentioned.

Your new bailout outrage

So now that the AIG bonuses scandal has only moderately damaged the republic and our leaders have rallied to move forward on some real ass reaming legislation on bonus payments, what new scandal involving millions will distract us from bailouts involving trillions? What's that Citi, you want to be the next to receive the full brunt of the diesel powered outrage machine, replete with stainless steel bone grinders, a blood sluice, and flame decals? Then go ahead, remodel your executive offices for $10 million, I'll gas up the machine. We call it 'the Beast'. It ate John Thain.

Citigroup Inc. plans to spend about $10 million on new offices for Chief Executive Officer Vikram Pandit and his lieutenants, after the U.S. government injected $45 billion of cash into the bank.

Affidavits filed with New York’s Department of Buildings show Citigroup expects to pay at least $3.2 million for basic construction such as wall removal, plumbing and fire safety. By the time architect’s fees and expenses such as furniture are added, the tally for the offices at the bank’s Park Avenue headquarters will be at least three times as high, according to a person familiar with the project who declined to be identified because he’s not authorized to comment. Citigroup said the project will help it save money over time.

Pandit, criticized by lawmakers over Citigroup’s use of U.S. bailout capital, canceled an order for a company jet in January and told Congress on Feb. 11 that, “I get the new reality and I’ll make sure Citi gets it as well.”

Whoops, looks like Vikram only 'gets it' when he thinks people are watching. When he thinks everyone is too busy watching AIG get flayed alive, he moves to remodel the executive offices. Silly Vikram, the eye is lidless, it never sleeps, and is made of hellfire. It sees all.

I think you need an outside voice on this, someone to tell you when your actions seem a little too gauche and tinged with hints of "fuck the poor, I'm getting mine". Someone to point out when your actions really throw a big middle finger to the government an populace that had to bail out your failure.....like say by remodeling executive offices or handing out bonuses to the division that bankrupted the world. You know, to avoid these PR snafus. A CEO of the Common Sense Division. I figure you pay me $600,000 a year, plus 10% of whatever stupid thing (Lear jets for the children of your CEO's or a chocolate water fountain at the Citi Aspen retreat) I talk you out of doing. It'll more than pay for itself. Deal?

Broken In Brief: Search continues for Jim Cramer's testicles

NEW YORK--Less than a week after being reduced to a transparently inept, sniveling apologist by a man whose film credits include the Enhancement Smoker in "Half Baked", bestselling author and host of CNBC's "Mad Money," Jim Cramer, is still frantically searching for his testicles.

Police seem to think that Cramer was separated from his manhood at approximately 5:15 pm on Thursday, March 12, during the taping of an extended segment in which "The Daily Show" host Jon Stewart excoriated Cramer and his network for, among other things, failing to see the economic collapse on the horizon, acting as the public relations arm of the financial industry, and generally being wrong most of the time.

"The odd thing about the patient is that there is absolutely no evidence of physical trauma," noted Dr. Raymond Friedberg, a trauma surgeon at New York Presbyterian Hospital. "Beyond elevated blood and increased colon elasticity common amongst professional liars who are embarrassed on national television, Mr. Cramer is a picture of health."

In a press conference held earlier today, Jeff Zucker, the Chief Executive of NBC Universal, reassured Cramer's six remaining fans. "The search continues for Mr. Cramer's baby batter sacs. We at NBC are committed to the health and well-being of our employees and we will not rest until Mr. Cramer's berries are back beneath the twig where they belong."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the investigation revealed that NBC Universal is urging police to obtain a search warrant for Mr. Stewart's New York City apartment, where Cramer's testicles are believed to be displayed in an ornate glass jar atop the fireplace mantle, next to those of Tucker Carlson and Rick Santelli.

Picture of the day

From the always indispensable Boston Globe's Big Picture blog comes a photo series on everyone's favorite high seas rapscallions, the Somali pirates. Click to embiggen.

Quote of the day

Rush Limbaugh, on those nasty people who are mad at rewarding failure and who is really to blame:

LIMBAUGH: President Obama's teleprompter tells him to say that the tired ways of the past didn't work, that we need a new way. Here we go; we've got the new way. We've got peasants with their pitchforks phoning in death threats at AIG. We have members of the United States Senate and the United States House of Representatives sounding like communist dictators.

Not only is a teleprompter controlling Obama's mind, not only are teleprompters evil now and possibly Skynet, not only is capping bonuses for bailed out companies communism, but he actually refers to the masses as peasants. Not just once, but all throughout the transcript the crypto-fascists at Media Matters has. Un-ironically. He thinks this is populism. He thinks CEO and bonus humping resonates with the peasants.

He really is God's own prototype. Christ, I think I love him. More please.

Uh-oh, find a better plan thean "No!"

Seems that the Obama Administration has taken a look at the Republican strategy of "filibuster everything, find out what it is we're opposing later" and deemed it an obstruction to their agenda. Fortunately they unleashed their number master, OMB Director Pete Orszag, on the problem. His radical solution is to make it so that a simple majority of votes will secure passage and that legislation will actually get voted on. Guh? In the Senate? What type of witchcraft is this?

A top White House official threatened Tuesday to use a congressional rule to force some controversial proposals through the Senate by eliminating the Republicans' power to block legislation.

Peter Orszag, the director of the White House Office of Management and Budget, said the Obama administration would prefer not to use the budget "reconciliation" process that allows measures to pass the Senate on simple majority votes.

Orszag said he wouldn't rule it out, however. The legislative tactic is being considered to push through Obama's global warming and health care programs, and perhaps his proposals to raise taxes on the wealthy.

"We'd like to avoid it if possible," Orszag told reporters at a luncheon in Washington. "But we're not taking it off the table."

Can you start doing this two months ago? Perhaps you should have used it on those bailout measures that were large parts of the budget that needed reconciled. Seriously, just use it all the time. "Uhhh...this requires...money...and thus...needs to be...reconciled. Majority rule!" Then hand out drinks and party. It's no secret that the filibuster process has been increasingly abused, why keep fucking around with people who have no other ideas and are uninterested in debate or doing anything?

Why announce you want to avoid it either? Are Senate Republicans going to get less unreasonable, play less hardball, filibuster less? No. If you announce you're going to do it can they even possibly obstruct and filibuster more? I doubt it. Don't hamper health care passage because Mitch McConnell is going to whine because he can't block it or because you need to water it down bad enough to get Arlen Specter or Olympia Snowe to jump over and keep Ben Nelson and Evan Bayh from jumping ship. Don't take any guff from these fucking swine. Do it.

The plan to fix everything

Since everyone is angry at AIG for paying out bonuses to it's worst division, the financial products division which tanked the entire company, I figured there had to at least be one lawmaker who had a plan to cap the bonuses and got shot down. TUrns out Ron Wyden (D-OR) said not only did he have a plan to stop the AIG bonus mess, that it passed before it was taken out of the bill in conference committee. Right now blogs and the HuffPo are trumpeting this as some sort of smoking gun of governmental incompetence/malfeasance THAT COULD HAVE SAVED EVERYTHING! What was his plan?

Senator Ron Wyden said on Tuesday that the furor surrounding AIG's bonus payments could have been avoided had the Obama White House and members of Congress simply backed legislation that he and Sen. Olympia Snowe introduced more than a month ago.

In an interview with the Huffington Post, the Oregon Democrat noted that during the crafting of the stimulus package, he and his Republican colleague from Maine introduced a provision that would have forced bailout recipients to cap their bonuses at $100,000. Any amount paid above that would have been taxed at 35 percent. The language made it through the Senate, but during conference committee with the House, it was inexplicably removed.

"The reality is, had that legislation been passed it would have been a very strong disincentive to anybody paying out bonuses in the future," said Wyden.

Seriously? Your plan was to cap bonuses at $100,000? Well, $100k......unless companies wanted to pay more than that (which they would) then there would be a regressive tax~! The regressive tax is.......a tax rate that is almost exactly the same as the regular tax rate they'd pay on the money. Oooooh burn! Paying the top tax rate totally would have stopped everything, Ron.

He's learned from this harsh experience, he and Olympia are introducing an even harsher bill. All the same provisions as the previous bill, except the fake cap is set at $50,000. Surely it will stop someone from taking a million dollar bonus. Here's a crazy suggestion: class war select a bailout bonus level you're comfortable with and then tax everything over that.....100%. That would actually stop it.

EDIT: Slightly better news. Max Baucus and Chuck "Let 'em commit suicide" Grassley have a bill that caps it at $50,000 and then levies a 35% excise tax on anything over. Which, when factored in with other federal, state, and various taxes essentially means 100%. Throw a party.

Broken News: Lorax dead in apparent suicide

Stock photo of The Lorax, aka Larry, noted American environmentalist, nudist, and spokesman for trees. ????-2009.

TRUFFULA FOREST—Police confirmed today that the Lorax, beloved spokesman for the trees and noted radical environmentalist, has been pronounced dead. While the authorities are awaiting lab results, the death has initially been ruled a suicide.

The nude, mustachioed, hairy creature, once believed to have been nigh immortal, came to prominence during a 1971 journalistic expose by one Theodor Geisel, who chronicled the creature’s struggle against the logging industry, as we ll as its efforts on behalf of endangered species indigenous to the Pacific Northwest that had been threatened by the Onceler Corporation's textile manufacturing concern.

The suicide, in which the Lorax grabbed himself by the seat of his ‘pants’ and hurled himself off the top of Globodyne Systems new Rem Koolhaas-designed 100-story mega-tower, came at the end of what friends and confidants had said had been a time of great mental struggle, hardship, and increasing isolation.

“Larry, as we all called him, was going through some shit. You know, with the trees,” said friend and fellow political activist Theo LeSieg. “The little guy had devoted so much of his life to the environment. Christ, he actually was hired by trees as a spokesman. Larry just got down when he saw that he was being outdueled by corporations and marginalized as an extremist, nut, or some sort of granola fascist. It probably didn’t help that he was nude, covered in hair, and got a little preachy sometimes, but the man was just keeping it aaaaaaaall natural. Eventually the trees had to fire him because so-called captains of industry had made him into a political liability in the eyes of the media.”

Pushback against the Lorax's message began in earnest during the late eighties when several logging companies banded together to release a book called "The Truax," a pro-business screed against activism and conservation. The counteroffensive culminated with the Lorax being banned from continuing his school speaking tours over concerns that his contact with minors was a corrupting influence. According to the ruling in the landmark case U.S. v Lorax, the demonized conservationist, "Needed to put on some damn clothes or at least ditch the porn star mustache, not to mention this environmental talk, anti-capitalism polemic, and pro-union speeches, which are harmful to the economy and business community at large."

“What really drove him over the edge were the so-called new renewable sources of energy,” said a daisy headed woman unwilling to identify herself for fear of retribution. “There was finally some traction for moving the country off foreign oil and the three biggest solutions were drilling for more here, opening up national parks to more drilling and logging, and for using clean coal. Pumping toxins into the ground instead of the air is good for the environment? I swear he almost put a gun in his mouth the second he heard that.”

Others close to the creature point to a recent spate of polling showing that, despite a recent uptick in environmentalism and activism campaigns, nearly 41% of the country believed global warming was exaggerated and Americans placed the environment and global warming among the least-important issues facing the country. Similar global studies had seen the world community at large place the environment first.

“Money well spent, it seems,” a shadowy elephantine figure, known only as H, said in response to news of the suicide. “First you discredit the…man…like….creature…thing…and then you drive him crazy with a corporate controlled media countering near universal scientific consensus with one political party of pro-business ‘skeptics’ and oil company funded ‘research’. The problem takes care of itself. Everyone hear that? It’s the sound of money being made.”

The Lorax’s suicide note, a thirty-page-long rambling dissertation involving animals, lands, objects, and races entirely conceived of by the creature, showed what a local clinical psychologist described as a “…complete mental break from reality. I mean, what in God’s name is a ‘thnadner’, ‘wumbus’, ‘sneech’, ‘oobleck’, or a ‘grickily-gructus’? Plus the whole damn thing’s in trisyllabic meter. Total nut-job who cashed his crazy ticket to pancake town.”

As per his wishes, the Lorax will not be given a public funeral. He instead will be stuffed and mounted, touring national forests as a gruesome, hectoring display against the evils of environmental destruction. Friends hope the cadaver tour will shock children out of their sense of moral complacency, at the very least increasing national parks’ attendance and revenue.

Fashion bailout

While everyone's bitching about paying out bonuses for AIG executives, are we still paying $100 million to sponsor the jerseys of Manchester United? I'm all for promotion, and really what better vessel than the world's most popular soccer football team, but hasn't AIG been in the news enough that they don't really need a promotional expenditure of that magnitude? Sure, it's 'collapse' this, and 'dirty crooked fuckers' that, but front pages are front pages.

Can we at least get the American flag on the front of ManU's shirt? Perhaps the Fed logo? Ben Bernanke's giant bald head? A characticture of a nervous Tim Geithner on a dune buggy looking like he wished he stayed in the private sector?

Corporate logos on the front of the jerseys....bleh. Smarten up soccer world, American sports only like to keep our embarrassing linkages to failure on the stadium facade, not the uniform. Unless that uniform is of the Detroit Lions or Pittsburgh Pirates, then failure is part of the outfit.

Jeffy is dead

There cannot be a God because if there were one, I could not believe that I was not He.

via Losanjealous comes the Nietzsche Family Circus, wherein a random Family Circus cartoon is paired with a random quote from German philosopher/philologist/barrel of laughs Friedrich Nietzsche. Still funnier than the regular version, more existentially meaningful than Scott Meets Family Circus.

Quote of the day: Seppuku

Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) on his solution to the AIG bonus scandal.

"I suggest, you know, obviously, maybe they ought to be removed," Grassley said. "But I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they'd follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, I'm sorry, and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide.

Works for me. The one suggestion from the GOP I can get behind. Let's extend it to government leaders who enabled this mess and our elected betters who helped grease the deregulated skids for this collapse as well. I'm looking at you Phil Gramm.

The case for rewarding failure

I'm a little at a loss here. There's someone out arguing for $165 million in bonuses to be paid to AIG executives. Oh, I'm not surprised someone's making the argument, I'm just surprised the New York Times got it out of the gate before the Wall Street Journal had it's pants on. But then again I'm not sure I should be surprised. This is after all the paper that spent the fall and winter regaling us with tales of our beleaguered rich betters who could no longer business lunch or marry for money. I guess someone there had to take up the cause for millionaires about to be cheated out of bonuses just for collapsing the world economy and failing to perform at even a basic level of competence.

“This isn’t just a matter of dollars and cents,” he said. “It’s about our fundamental values.”

On that last issue, lawyers, Wall Street types and compensation consultants agree with the president. But from their point of view, the “fundamental value” in question here is the sanctity of contracts.

That may strike many people as a bit of convenient legalese, but maybe there is something to it. If you think this economy is a mess now, imagine what it would look like if the business community started to worry that the government would start abrogating contracts left and right.

It would look like what happens every time the government has to get involved with some mega-company going into bankruptcy that has union contracts? Go ask the UAW about the sanctity of contracts.

As to what would happen to the financial sector or banks if people had to worry about their bonuses: who cares? Are there ways with which they could actually be performing worse? If they're taking government bailouts, how many people there could have earned that bonus? Fuck 'em. You lose performance incentives when your performance collapses the economy of the world.

But what about the commitment to taxpayers? Here is the second, perhaps more sobering thought: A.I.G. built this bomb, and it may be the only outfit that really knows how to defuse it.

A.I.G. employees concocted complex derivatives that then wormed their way through the global financial system. If they leave — the buzz on Wall Street is that some have, and more are ready to — they might simply turn around and trade against A.I.G.’s book. Why not? They know how bad it is. They built it.

Great plan. We're hostages, pay the terrorists what they want or they destroy the eastern seaboard. Unless they just take the bonuses and then leave anyway. Maybe we should negotiate with terrorists the way Israel negotiates with terrorists. Get all Munich up in their assess. Get Eric Bana on line one. Though really, if they understand the problems so well we need to pay them ransom money...then how come they didn't understand the problems they were creating in the first place?

What is the limit on articles the Times can produce with Ayn Randian class humping coached in the argumentative cloak of "it might not be great, but we just have to do it"? Have they hit it yet? Here's a hint for the next time you decide that our financial betters aren't being properly deified: if the only two reasons you can think of are "Contract law! What will the children think?" and "Sure they failed, but only they know the specific way they failed. Let's hand them a sack of money so they tell us." then you don't really have any reasons. Just type out "They've scaled the heights of Wall Street, that means they're better than us and we need to pay them as a reward for their status." or "Some of my friends are being affected. Waaaaaaaaah!" and we'll get the message.

Broken In Brief: AIG to Congress: Fuckin' do somethin'

NEW YORK--Despite increased pressure by legislators and the American public, the American International Group responded to criticism of its use of taxpayer-funded bailout funds by saying, "You don't like it? Fuckin' do somethin'."

These comments come as the insurance giant was ordered to disclose beneficiaries of the approximately $170 billion given the company through multiple Federal Reserve rescue loans over the past 9 months. Public outcry grew even further over the weekend when several newspapers reported that, despite the rank incompetence shown by its leaders, the company had elected to dole out $165 million in bonuses to the same executive group that ran the entire shitshow straight into the ground.

"Look, we think your moral indignation is cute and all but, seriously, what do you intend to do about this?" Said company spokesperson Bradley VanGuffen. "If we can talk the American government into owning 80% of this company, yet retain virtually all control over its day-to-day operations, do you really think we're in a position that might lead any of us to give two tugs of a dead dog's cock about what you think? Understand, kids, that when we refer to you all as 'peons,' we mean it."

The government-appointed Chairman of AIG, Edward M. Liddy, was unavailable for comment. Sources close to the former Goldman Sachs board member claim he was too busy stifling laughter to approach a microphone.

Scraping the Scum from CNBC's talent pool

I think I'm starting to get a handle on this whole Financial Expert Television Personality thing...

Three years ago, when money flowed easily, Ronald G. Insana left CNBC to hang his own shingle as a hedge fund manager. Now, as he returns to television, he has but one misgiving about his foray into moneymaking.

“The one regret I have is we ended up losing money,” Mr. Insana said in a recent interview.

You really have to admire the sick cyclical nature of this process. Just as the network, much to the amusement of practically everyone, is having its lunch eaten by John Stewart on a daily basis, it goes out and re-hires someone who moonlights as the drunken captain of a hedge fund. To recap Mr. Insana's brave journey through the financial netherworld:

Step 1: Leave post as Financial Analyst at CNBC to make a pile of money.
Step 2: Instead, lose a pile of other people's money.
Step 3: Return to post as Financial Analyst at CNBC.
Step 4: Find new and exciting ways to lose other people's money.

[Ed Note: All steps involve profit for Mr. Insana.]

Didn't we pass a law requiring that these people, as well as those responsible for hiring them (twice) be flayed in public? No? Anyone care to explain why?

Thanks for the confirmation

Red Cross Described 'Torture' at CIA Jails
Secret Report Implies That U.S. Violated International Law

The International Committee of the Red Cross concluded in a secret report that the Bush administration's treatment of al-Qaeda captives "constituted torture," a finding that strongly implied that CIA interrogation methods violated international law, according to newly published excerpts from the long-concealed 2007 document.

The report, an account alleging physical and psychological brutality inside CIA "black site" prisons, also states that some U.S. practices amounted to "cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment." Such maltreatment of detainees is expressly prohibited by the Geneva Conventions.

The findings were based on an investigation by ICRC officials, who were granted exclusive access to the CIA's "high-value" detainees after they were transferred in 2006 to the U.S. detention camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Hey WaPo headline writers, you might want to actually read that report you reported on. The report doesn't "imply" the US violated international torture law, it flat out says it. But we already knew this.

I guess we just put that in the "No Shit, Sherlock" file for a while until we're ready to move it over to the "...and Nothing of Consequence Ever Happened To Anyone Who Ordered It or Conducted It" file in a few decades. Then we get to hear the government belt out "Rah Rah Rah, America", "This Will Never Happen Again", close with "Nation of Laws", and come out for an encore of "Things We Learned", "It Was the Guy Before Me Who Did That" and "Nation of Laws (reprise)". Then our elected betters awkwardly yawn and talk about hittin' the dusty trail and we go home happy. Sure we've seen the show a hundred times, but it's a good show and we never get tired of it. It's like a Vegas show, except more morally corrupting and not as much topless dancing, French-Canadian acrobats, or magic. Good times.

He's all growed up

Barry's taking his first steps, taking off the training wheels, going to his first boy/girl dance. *sniff* So many important milestones, so many important memories. He even gave his first signing statement. How precious. I hope someone took a photo. Here it is:

Numerous provisions of the legislation purport to condition the authority of officers to spend or reallocate funds on the approval of congressional committees. These are impermissible forms of legislative aggrandizement in the execution of the laws other than by enactment of statutes. Therefore, although my Administration will notify the relevant committees before taking the specified actions, and will accord the recommendations of such committees all appropriate and serious consideration, spending decisions shall not be treated as dependent on the approval of congressional committees. Likewise, one other provision gives congressional committees the power to establish guidelines for funding costs associated with implementing security improvements to buildings. Executive officials shall treat such guidelines as advisory.

Yet another provision requires the Secretary of the Treasury to accede to all requests of a Board of Trustees that contains congressional representatives. The Secretary shall treat such requests as nonbinding.

LEGISLATIVE FACE!!!!!!! Try not to get your inappropriate oversight on fund reallocation all over Barry's budget, Pelosi. It's nice though to see Barry continue the legacy set forth by Andrew Jackson. I mean I guess he was just bitching about the Bush signing statements, not the signing statements themselves. Here's one major difference between an Obama signing statement and a Bush one: one is based around constitutional legal precedent over funding and the other was based around declaring entire laws invalid. So Obama has tackled this area in a different manner.

Still, could you not have broke it out the same week you get all "constitutional reviewy" on you predecessor's ones. This and the 'enemy combatant' thing and the 'state secrets' thing, and a bunch of other things are making me and Glenn Greenwald paranoid. I'm not buying tinfoil to make into hats, but I'm pricing it.

Word shift

One of the confusing halfway points of the Bush/Obama transition has been word definitions. What were words and phrases going to mean now? Were words going to mean what they've meant since linguistic dwarves forged them in their secret mountain dictionary factories or were words going to mean what the Bush Administration pretended they meant? The American populace forced to go along with these new changes, lest Dana Perino or Scott McClellan furrow their brows over this "torture" thing you were talking about, instead of the new, better phrase: coercive interrogation. Good news, we got torture back, now we've pried a second away.

The Obama administration stopped calling Guantanamo inmates "enemy combatants" on Friday and incorporated international law as its basis for holding the prisoners while it works to close the facility.

The U.S. Justice Department filed court papers outlining a further legal and linguistic shift from the anti-terrorism policies of Republican President George W. Bush, which drew worldwide condemnation as violations of human rights and international law.

They didn't give us a new phrase to use. Are they to be referred to as 'hostages', 'criminals', 'innocently imprisoned', 'some mistakes mixed in with the scum of the earth', 'our national shame', or are they to be declared legal persons at a later date?

One problem? Yeah.....he didn't really change the law, just dropped the phrase. Oh sure, they'll rely on laws passed by Congress and the Geneva conventions, not solely the authority of the President, but Obama still reserves the right to detain battlefield/'far from the battlefield' combatants. Well, at least we get to refer to the detainment as what it really is this time, which I guess was what the Obama JD thought was most important: the words, not any of the major ideas behind the words.

I, for one, am reassured

And lo, the village elder, whose smallest utterances have the power to reweave or unravel the economic filament that binds our world together, did light the special incense, consult his chicken entrails, and declare...

“We’ll see the recession coming to an end probably this year.”

With those words, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke staked a marker on what he believes will be the end of the malaise that has descended upon the United States economy. And, he said on a “60 Minutes” interview that ran Sunday evening, the country will begin to recover next year — “and it will pick up steam over time.”

So the recession might be coming to an end. Maybe this year, maybe next. He thinks. Probably. But don't hold him to it I was especially fond of the part where, in one breath, Bernanke says the recession will most likely end in 2009, but that it's impossible to predict what will happen.

Always in motion, the future is...

The horror.....

Because no one else seems to have commented on it (sarcasm) I decided to post up the Jim Cramer/Jon Stewart interview from last night. I like it not for the sheer level of discomfort/glee it fills you with to see Stewart gut this man in front of a live studio audience, or the seeming stupidity of a man going on a show to ostensibly defend his honor despite the hours of videotape and the economic situation graphically exposing his ignorance and then backing down into a timid yes man as the sheer weight of his stupidity is slammed into his skull minute after minute, nor is it the shiv it sticks in the side of the bank humping financial press who regurgitate corporate press releases while sneering at anyone who makes less than $250,000, that Cramer dropped all his press appearances after the interview and CNBC has been begging MSNBC not to show clips from it, or the skill with which a comedian once again performs the role our media won't, it's because of today's press conference with Robert Gibbs and the sheer glee he took in the interview.



Yes, he is hiding a boner behind that podium. Gibbs has been waging his own mini-war with CNBC and Rick "Will no one think of the poor hedge fund managers" Santelli and must have really appreciated seeing one of their network toads get squashed on the TV, or really, just seeing anyone having to take questions from someone who won't accept pat platitudes about the failure that will consume his bosses' first term.

I'd be careful to note this interview, for it will be the last time anyone tangentially connected to the crisis will be deign to be quizzed by anyone competent enough to make them look bad. No more comedians, we'll have to rely on the...*shudder*...real media now.

Full verbal castration below...

Yeah, but what did he think of Euphoria Morning

Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, musing on the quality of former Soundgarden/Audioslave frontman Chris Cornell's Timbaland produced solo album, Scream.

You know that feeling you get when somebody embarrasses themselves so badly YOU feel uncomfortable? Heard Chris Cornell's record? Jesus.

So he shouldn't do his next album with Lil' Jon, Trent?

Still a nicer quote than Allmusic's "Scream is one of those rare big-budget disasters, an exercise in misguided ambition that makes no sense outside of pure theory" review.

Paparazzi oppress those who actually deserve it

If there's another benefit to the financial collapse, and we are examining the silver linings today on TB, it's that paparazzi have moved their oppressive coverage, swarming locust masses, and constant video scrutiny to people who actually deserve it: crooked CEO's. It seems as the crisis worsens people want to see coverage shift from attempts to create eating disorders, traffic violations, and street level up angle crotch shots, to, well the same things....but focused at people who have stolen from us and bankrupted us instead of entertaining us.

The celebrity Web site TMZ and TV shows like “Extra” and “Inside Edition” are expanding their coverage of starlets and Hollywood break-ups to include billion-dollar business scandals and the economic collapse.
...
TMZ, a Web site better known for unflattering paparazzi shots of Britney Spears and Rihanna, drove mainstream coverage and Congressional outrage with a blog post late last month that exclaimed, “Bailout Bank Blows Millions Partying in L.A.” The site reported that Northern Trust, a bank that received $1.6 billion in taxpayer money, had hosted hundreds of clients and employees at a golf tournament and a series of parties in Southern California. “Your tax dollars, hard at work,” the site wrote.
...
Harvey Levin, the editor of TMZ, who called the story “the most important thing we’ve ever done,” knows his readers don’t come to the site for a dissertation on mortgage-backed securities. “It’s hard for people to wrap their heads around $800 billion in bailout money. It’s too big a thing,” he said. “It’s much easier to understand paying for a Sheryl Crow concert.”

“Britney is fluff,” said Rory Waltzer, a photographer for TMZ, “but the stories about Northern Trust and Madoff and politicians in D.C. really have an impact on the country.”

You just found that out now? You needed financial Ragnarok to let you know that driving Britney Spears to an emotional meltdown over a period of years wasn't actually important? One thing though, stop trying to claim a Sy Hersh/Murray Waas level of investigative journalism. You aren't actually trying to cover these stories as news, you just cover them the way you cover/humiliate Octomom or Paris Hilton. It's just that you're trying to get a shot of Madoff's bulge as he gets out of a car this go around. All you're doing is providing the maximum level of discomfort the law provides until they're convicted. Which is exactly what we want this time. We've moved from wanting to see our idols be dragged down to our level to seeing crooks get fucked with.

When this is all over you'll still be back covering Joaquin Phoenix's latest meltdown, not diving into the balance sheets of Fortune 500 companies to discover the next crisis. Stop confusing yourselves with Woodward and Bernstein and go fuck with Mrs. Madoff, she's still hoarding that stolen money.