Broken News: Loud mouthed blowhard wins argument, the internet

NEW YORK—Today Tim Berners-Lee and Robert Cailliau, widely credited with the invention of the World Wide Web, gathered together with members of CERN, MIT, and DARPA to formally announce that not only were they ruling that blogger Ted King had thoroughly won an inter-blog argument, but that he had won it so definitively that they were awarding him the entirety of the internet as a prize.

“Today we are proud to announce that Mr. King, more widely known as HardK0R3 on his blog the L33T Pit, has so thoroughly impressed us with his forensic word pugilism that we have decided to award him the World Wide Web as a token of gratitude for all that he has done with our creation,” Mr. Berners-Lee said, his words practically drowning in sarcasm. “I think it was the point at which you called everyone who disagreed with you ‘fags’ who were ‘totally gay’ that we all welled up with pride over the implementation of our creation. Therefore, take the internet. Take the whole bloody, goddamned thing. It’s useless now.”

While Mr. King wasn’t immediately available to accept the prize, he must have undoubtedly been ecstatic over having won the internet courtesy of his much Dugg Summer movie treatise, “The new Star Trek totally owns it hardcore over that old gay shit and also anyone who liked Funny People is a total homo.”

While no one stepped up to officially speak for Mr. King, site commenters were there to point out that those gay British boy touchers were all lucky that HardK0R3 didn’t fly over to foggy Londontown and shit to take their precious internet from them by force. Also noting that science was gay, they were having sex with the mothers of all the people who disagreed with them, and that it was about fucking time that someone recognized how badass and shit the L33T Pit was.

As to why the scientific elite was turning over possession of the World Wide Web to a group of people most would charitably describe as clinically retarded, those making the final decision were incredulous that anyone would question their wisdom.

“Uh, hello,” said Mr. Cailliau, disdain covering his face. “I think you saw why in the little response the *shudder* L33t Pit gave. This kind of shit is not what we intended the internet to be used for. It’s full of self absorbed idiots, mongoloid teenagers, cat pictures, and pornography that disgusts even the Germans and Japanese. Germans, for Christ’s sake! That’s it; we’re washing our hands of it. You all have broken it. Fuck off!”

As for future plans, those close to the scientific elite are tight-lipped, fearing that the great unwashed masses will find a way to taint their new project.

Preliminary reports suggest that after CERN hands over the keys to the internet to Mr. King, they will wait until it is rammed completely into the ground and rendered a smoldering pile of fucked-to-death orangutan shit. Then, while humanity gawks at the wreckage they have created, Mr. Berners-Lee and CERN plan to unveil an all new internet that improves upon the failures of the old one.

“Well for one thing, there’s going to be a goddamned IQ test before you’re allowed to communicate with others on it,” said Dr. Francois Repard, who is working on the design team for the new internet.

“Secondly, those wishing to launch new web pages will have to submit a proposal outlining its aims and its benefit to the public at large. Thirdly, if you post up one picture of a cat with a misspelled phrase superimposed on it, we’ll throw you in The Hague and fuck you with knives. We have no intention whatsoever of making the same mistakes over again.”

But those plans are a ways off, as statisticians surmise that the first internet will not collapse under the ‘inmates running the asylum’ weight of its own bullshit for a few months. Until then scientists are content to sit back, laugh, and revel in the destruction that the world has brought upon itself.

“Serves them right,” Mr. Berners-Lee scoffed. “Mucking up my beautiful creation. I used to feel pride when I thought about the internet. Now....only shame. LOLcats, BAH! The new Star Trek was better than the old one? That’s the gayest shit I’ve ever heard.”

North Korea escalates prank war

Well they finally figured it out. Remember how pissed we all were over the weekend when we tried to access the Treasury Department, Secret Service, Federal Trade Commission, and Transportation Department web sites and found our ability to load them up difficult and scattershot? How all you heard during fireworks was stuff like "Where the hell else am I going to get to read Tim Geithner's blog", "It just isn't the same without hot dogs, fireworks, and up to date press releases from the Transportation Department", and "This holiday is barely worth celebrating without the ability to check out the FAQ on the Secret Service's website"? Well, now we know who ruined our nation's birthday: North Korea.

South Korean intelligence officials believe North Korea or pro-Pyongyang forces committed cyber attacks that paralyzed major South Korean and U.S. government Web sites, aides to two lawmakers said Wednesday.
...
Others familiar with the U.S. outage, which is called a denial of service attack, said that the fact that the government Web sites were still being affected three days after it began signaled an unusually lengthy and sophisticated attack. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak on the matter.

The Korea Information Security Agency also attributed the attacks to denial of service.

DoS attacks are when a number of people go to a website at the same time, causing an overload to the servers. Sometimes it can happen when a popular blogger links to you (something we've never had to experience), or when it's a coordinated attack. This vicious NK attack swelled some sites traffic to 9 times their usual load. 9 times! This had lead to experts in multiple articles on this to call the attack "sophisticated", which leads me to believe they aren't actually experts. Atrios or Daily Kos are probably going to do it once or twice today with a link and a sentence telling you to click said link. Making a website hard to load doesn't equal heinously sophisticated cyber-terror.

But nevertheless this is war! We're coming for you Kimbo! You think your DoS attacks are funny, just wait until we start up the LOLJong-Il site, start sending out embarrassing e-mails from your Gmail account, and hack your Twitter feed (TallBoyNK). My the CIA will escalate into putting itching powered in your onesies, ordering multiple pizzas to your house, killing you in a missile attack, or dyeing the water in your pool blue. You don't want to get into it with us.

Us and our wars

On drugs and crime and, sure, piracy...

Stockholm, Sweden - The website of the international record label trade group IFPI was hacked on Thursday, with hackers posting a message on the site decrying the group's involvement in the case against Swedish file-sharing hub The Pirate Bay, which entered its fourth day of proceedings in court, Billboard reported.

"The ruthless hunt conducted by the IFPI, Anti-Piracy Office, Warner Bros., and all the other companies with a pawn in the game now resulted in a trial in which four innocent men are accused of copyright infringement. This is a declaration of war against anti-piracy outfits and the industry players behind them," read the note left by hackers.

So... when the means by which you enforce your notion of right-and-wrong are compromised, what exactly do you do? How do you address this, in my opinion, fucking hilarious exercise of collective intellectual will?

I'm assuming it will involve lawsuits and former high school football stars with body armor and shotguns.