Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.28

As Seen On TV! Birthermercial Asks, Where Was Obama Really Born?
I kind of wish I thought of this. No, not the "Obama is a Kenyan, show us the birth certificate" conspiracy. As you can see from our Broken News and Broken in Brief pieces, Sean and I aren't that creative. No, the part where I create a bullshit infomercial about it and then charge suckers $30 for a bumper stickers and a fax to 50 state attorney generals and Eric Holder. Though this might create a problem where state attorney generals are just being forwarded a list of the craziest individuals in America with disposable incomes and free time. At least that's helpful to the rest of America.

Tea Party Founder Announces: "A Huffington Post Of Our Own"
You people do not disappoint. Now I'm not going to have to read up to 10 different sites to keep track of all the bizarre conspiracies that the government is involved in. Now I can get my crazy content aggregated. If I can also get some critiques of red carpet fashions, a site runner with an accent, and video of stuff that happened on TV, I can just jettison the HuffPo entirely.

France, Poland want Polanski released on bail
Just a word of advice to any French cultural ministers, actors, film buffs, and the two HuffPo bloggers that already have decried Polanski's arrest: stop wasting my time with bullshit about how he's the real victim, and sure rape is bad but everyone else affiliated with the case is worse, and "isn't being forced to live abroad as a millionaire director punishment enough?". Just say "Rosemary's Baby and Chinatown were really fucking good, I don't care how many 13 year-olds he drugs, rapes, and sodomizes" and be done with it. It's a lot easier than going through 700 words to find out that's what you really wanted to say anyway.

A Presidential Olympic Bid
Hey, I don't have any real idea of the Presidential schedule, but doesn't Barry have better things to do than to fly over to Copenhagen to push for Chicago's Olympic bid? I mean sure, I hate the time delays as much as anyone, but really, a special trip? Is Chicago in dire need of a world class diving arena? Ah, what the hell, it's Yom Kippur, government's probably shut down. You go get Chicago that cycling velodrome its wanted, Barry. You go get it.

New Cheney Taking Stage for the G.O.P.
Whew! I was worried for a while that this country would have to go on for too long without the amoral, crooked, grunting spawn of the hellbeast lying to the American public from a position of influence within the GOP. If only some state would bless us with Liz Cheney in the House of Senate, I think I could die happy....in whatever nuclear conflict she'd invariably provoke us into. C'mon, doesn't George H.W. Bush have any ignorant grandkids we could pair her up with?

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.12

What Happened to a Public Health Plan?
The New York Times asks several health care experts, scholars, and doctors to ponder why the public insurance option seems to be lying battered and beaten on the side of the road. No one says "because it was fucked to death by elected money grubbing cretins" so one does begin to question if this group is really the experts they say they are.

Stallworth allowed to leave home to train
The tale of Cleveland Browns drunken killer wide-out Donte Stallworth continues. It seems the piddling 30 days in prison he received for killing a man and the subsequent home confinement are too onerous a punishment, he feels. So he has filed a petition to let him out of his house arrest so that he can properly train for a NFL career he's no longer going to have. Ahh, to be a famous athlete. All my drunken killings always seem to come with harsher penalties.

Chevy Volt To Get 230 MPG City Fuel Economy Rating
How's that sound, Toyota Prius? Did America just stick it in and break it off? What, dawg, what? Do something! Now sure, this is GM, so there's probably some awful catch, like it runs on nuclear power, orphan blood, or somehow requires that you burn down a rain-forest to build one, but this is jaw dropping news. It's probably a lie, but still, who ever remembers the truth?

'Evil and Orwellian' – America's right turns its fire on NHS
I wonder how the UK is taking the constant barrage of attacks from Republicans on its National Health System. Oh, not well? It's actually affecting diplomatic relations and angering the government and civil service of England? I wonder why? Maybe it has something to do with the litany of half-truths, lies, and baseless attacks on their superior health care. Still, at least their outrage isn't backed by a staggering number of humiliating statistics on the cheapness, effectiveness, and superiority of their system.

£40m jewels stolen from London store
Gotta love the Brits. They're always good for a debonair, high-class, jewel heist. They used a chauffeur driven Bentley! In fact this jewel heist is almost twice as large as the previous heist record. I eagerly await the impending mediocre Jason Statham movie about this heist.

Our Fuzzy President Is About To Come Into Focus
Dan Froomkin has started his new gig at the Huffington Post with the same style he's been known for: witheringly effective critiques of politics from the left. In his first column he looks at Obama, his health care efforts, and the supposed openness of his government. The general theme being: we're about to find out exactly who Obama is and what kind of President he'll be.

Allakhadumb

The latest log in the righteous indignation furnace over at Huffington Post is video of Gov. Bush explaining that he can't just wave his magic wand and say "low gas!" Based on the utterly predictable comment thread, HuffPo readers are missing the point entirely. The story here isn't W's flippant take on skyrocketing oil prices, but that he claims he is not in possession of a magic wand.

U.S. National Average Price of Unleaded Gas
1/14/2000: $1.49/gal.
7/14/2008: $4.11/gal.

Shazam!