These Bastards laboratory open for business

After Friday's revelation by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that tomatoes might not be the cause of the most recent salmonella outbreak, government researchers, along with farmers and grocery retailers, are desperately searching for answers. While some suggest that testing simply has not been conducted on a large enough scale, others suspect that the culprit instead might be other vegetables commonly served with tomatoes, such as the onions or peppers in salsa.

Despite these uncertainties, the CDC will, of course, continue testing. Still, Dr. David Acheson, associate commissioner for foods at the FDA, reminded reporters that the source of the outbreak might never be discovered.

We, These Bastards, believe we can offer some insight into this problem. After several minutes of careful reflection and exhaustive experimentation, we are prepared to offer this hypothesis...


Fritz Haber did it.