Friday, June 27, 2008

Bravo Ferragamo! Bravo Europa!

In case you forgot, there's a big sham election going on today. It's a pretty low affair even by African "democratic" standards. All in all a pretty awful situation that no one will do anything about, save for stern words and consternation. In fact the only thing that even attains the status of "gallows humor" are the staggeringly dishonest headlines coming from the Mugabe run Zimbabwe Herald, example: "Blow the trumpet of freedom 'Gabriel' Mugabe".

In reading up on the day's events I happened to run across a lovely little story about Mugabe's wife, Grace.

Apparently Grace is a big time shopper. Now Europe put a ban on the Mugabe's being allowed even enter the continent, but due to a quirk in the ban they are allowed to attend UN meetings. When Robert goes to these meetings lovely little Grace thieves money out of the Zimbabwe treasury and goes on monster shopping sprees.

Pure class.

Apparently the Mugabe's do this so often that the people of Zimbabwe have given Grace the nickname of "The First Shopper". Now as this is somewhat of a humorous website and the people of Zimbabwe are new to this satire and sarcasm game, let me make one suggestion. Given the fact that your country's inflation rate is anywhere from 24,000% to 150,000% and your economy and country are in shambles, may I suggest the nickname of "The Only Shopper" or "The Degenerate Animal Who Steals From You As Her Husband Rapes Your Country." The latter sacrifices wit for accuracy, so YMMV.

But what company, dear reader, would be so crass and spineless to take hundreds of thousands of dollars stolen from the poor, beleaguered people of Zimbabwe? You guessed it: Ferragamo.
At least we know why Grace shops Ferragamo, because as she says “I have very narrow feet, so I wear only Ferragamo.” Well, of course, designer heels are what I wear for A-level arch support. Fierce!

Now I know you're saying to yourself "I can't believe there's a fashion conglomerate that not only pads it profits on the backs of third world manufacturing labor, but would also be so craven as to knowingly accept the stolen funds of an oppressed people from the wife of a dictator?" Shocking, I know, but try and hold back your disbelief. Maybe I'm too harsh on Ferragamo. Maybe they're going to make handbags out of a distilled form of the pure disgust people should feel towards them. I'd buy one!

But, c'mon Europe. If you aren't going to do anything about Zimbabwe other than bitch at us for not doing anything (and thanks, but we're already fucking up 2 countries, don't need to start on a third), could you at least stop these shits from going on shopping sprees in your country? Why even allow them to go to UN meetings? Mugabe isn't going to learn or contribute, just apparently because he likes sitting in front of microphones with his name on a placard. Even better yet, say it's okay for them to come and just fucking arrest them and have them tried at the Hague for all that shit they've done. I know, I know, Euro 2008 is going on. But it'll be over after Sunday, so get on it.

If that works we'll even let you do it to Bush, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Feith, Rumsfeld, Barney the dog and anyone else you'd like to put up for war crimes. C'mon, one hand washes the other. We'll send them over to be the all-star judges of a bratwurst eating contest in Hamburg and the second they step off the plane you slap the manacles on them. Deal?

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