But what about eggs?

The Sarah Palin book tour rolls ever on. But just a word of warning, if you want to make a salsa, a gazpacho, or have a nice slice of an heirloom tomato on a giant burger made from a meat-bearing animal, you'd better prepare it a day or so in advance. Tomatoes are not allowed in the presence of Alaskan royalty.

While going through the check-out lane, again with no wait, [Rappaport] told the clerk she forgot to get some grape tomatoes, which she loves, so she would be right back.
...
The clerk told her they had no tomatoes that day.
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As she was leaving, she noticed a man with a store manager's name tag and asked him why they had no tomatoes. He informed her the store did have tomatoes, but they were taken off the shelves for a few hours.

It turns out that Palin had been pelted with a tomato at an earlier stop on her book tour and the management at the Costco was determined it wouldn't happen here.

Superb. It turns out that a man from the great state of Minnesota, attempting to win the love of both Sean and myself for continually electing Michelle Bachmann, tossed what the French would call a "love apple" at Palin... missing and hitting a cop instead. I'm sure it was something the man and the cop had a good laugh over during the tomato thrower's violent beating in lockup. Trust me, it was catsup coming out of the man's ears.

Thus, tomatoes are fruit/vegetable-non-grata in our megamarkets when our next President rolls into town on a snowmobile pulled by a gaggle of moose to promote her book. But I think this all teaches us an important lesson: when one wishes to pelt elected and newly resigned politicians with food, it's best to shop at the local farmer's market and support the area agriculture community. When smashing a governor with fruit, you really want to know that it had a low carbon footprint, was organic, and was sustainable.

These Bastards laboratory open for business

After Friday's revelation by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that tomatoes might not be the cause of the most recent salmonella outbreak, government researchers, along with farmers and grocery retailers, are desperately searching for answers. While some suggest that testing simply has not been conducted on a large enough scale, others suspect that the culprit instead might be other vegetables commonly served with tomatoes, such as the onions or peppers in salsa.

Despite these uncertainties, the CDC will, of course, continue testing. Still, Dr. David Acheson, associate commissioner for foods at the FDA, reminded reporters that the source of the outbreak might never be discovered.

We, These Bastards, believe we can offer some insight into this problem. After several minutes of careful reflection and exhaustive experimentation, we are prepared to offer this hypothesis...


Fritz Haber did it.