Rex Gildo shows us the way.

Free agency starts soon for the NHL and it's filled with trepidation for us Penguins fans. We've already lost Malone and Roberts, and the upcoming days could see us lose Orpik, Eaton, Dupuis, Ruutu, Laraque, Sydor and Conklin. Keeping that in mind, These Bastards would just like to take up a cause on behalf of Penguins fans.

PLEASE DON'T GO! Everything was working out so well. Don't make us spend another season looking for a winger for Crosby. We found him: MARIAN HOSSA! What's it gonna take? Do we need to sign Marcel? Will it help if I play that inexplicable '70's German kitsch song about Mexico, that sounds like it's about you? Fine, I'll do it.

It's an easy 100 points this year, plus at least 50 million dollars. What's wrong with that? Don't make us sign Kristian Huselius or Ruslan Fedotenko. It won't be the same. Please stay. We'll get you John McCain's plane. Pens owner Ron Burkle will bring the ladies on his plane. It'll be a FIESTA MEXICANA!!!