Buddies

There are some friendships where you look at the two people involved and say "I don't know how they became or are still friends." Then there are the ones where you say "Yeah, those two assholes deserve each other. I get it." This is a tale about the latter. This is a tale about Robert Mugabe, Kim Jong-Il, and a crateload of baby animals that are probably dead already.

Two by two, they were caught and lined up as an extravagant gift from one despotic regime to another.

According to conservationists, the Zimbabwean president, Robert Mugabe, will send a modern-day ark – containing pairs of giraffes, zebras, baby elephants and other wild animals taken from a national park – to a zoo in North Korea.

That's right, in order to continue their decades long friendship, Mugabe looted his national parks to send baby animals -including rare and endangered rhinos- to the North Korean dictator/shriveled husk of beef jerky, unaware that this action would cause said animals to die. Or he may be completely aware that the animals would die. Mugabe is after all, and immensely crooked and evil prick.

This is not the first time Mugabe has done this.

Zoo conditions in North Korea, which is isolated by most world nations, did not meet international standards, he said. Two rhinos, a male called Zimbo and a female called Zimba, given to Kim by Mugabe in the 80s, died only a few months after their relocation.

What did Mugabe get from Kim for this first gift? A trained brigade of Zimbabwean soldiers equipped them with tanks and armored personnel carriers... who went on to quash an uprising and slaughter 20,000 civilians. I wonder if Kim will be able to spare a kill squad in return this time? Mugabe does have a free press to deal with now.

Who knows, maybe Kim Jong-Il just wants to eat the elephants and rhinos. That is what he did when he was sent 12 giant rabbits for breeding and farming purposes. He. Ate. Giant. Rabbits. Maybe Kimbo just wants a really exotic BBQ for the World Cup. It is North Korea's first appearance since 1966.

So let us take time out of our day to take note of the special animal killing, crazy ark sending, death squad training, insane friendship of Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong-Il. The worst pen pals ever.

China and Russia veto Zimbabwe sanctions

Last week, me

The US and UK are expected to announce an ineffective sanction into the UN soon which will be blocked because some country gets widget grease out of Zimbabwe and can't have that vital resource interrupted.

This week, world.

British and US efforts to apply punitive pressure on Robert Mugabe were abruptly undermined last night when Russia and China vetoed a UN security council resolution seeking sanctions against Zimbabwe.

The resolution, calling for an arms embargo, and financial and travel restrictions on Mugabe and 13 other regime leaders, was backed by nine nations but foundered on the vetoes of the two permanent members. The arms embargo would have affected Russian and Chinese weapons exporters.

Yes, yes, I know. I am the brain lord elect, able to see into the future and tell you it's horrid secrets. Bow before my mighty and awesome powers.

Arms sales are more important than dictators stealing elections and brutalizing people. I was wrong that the veto would get blocked over something inconsequential, nope, China and Russia just came right out and said weapons dealing. Russia further compounded the misery by claiming that there was no threat regional security. Well, if a brutalized populace and 3 million plus refugees already aren't security problems I guess nothing is.

Though he is right that no inter-state wars will break out over this, mostly because the nearest countries are crooked, kickback partners of Mugabe. The only danger is civil war, or that would be if the militias weren't already brutalizing a dirt poor populace unable to fight back because their money is worthless and what they do have is stolen by Mugabe to feed and pay the militias and send his wife off to Ferragamo for the designer handbags.

China didn't want sanctions to override negotiations overseen by South Africa. The same South Africa that supports Mugabe wholeheartedly, saw no problem with the election, and has referred to the refugees as fugitives. The same South Africa who supports Mugabe's negotiation conditions that he's free to steal elections when he wants and the opposition is free to die horribly and be buried shallowly. Like MDC official Gift Mutsvungun who was found burned to death with his eyes gouged out.

But hey, gotta protect those arms sales.

Leaders agree: obvious problem is a problem.

G-8 leaders are at an impasse over what to do about impish rouge and gadabout Robert Mugabe. They want to impose sanctions but can't decide between two medium spanks on the bottom with a warning not to do it again or to let Mugabe show up at the next international meeting and only be allowed to have one serving of the delicious pie or the delicious cake. Mugabe's wife Grace will also have to scale back her shopping to 'Let them eat cake' levels instead of the 'Let them eat shit' level she usually works at.

Ideally they want the African Union to do something about it, but the biggest obstacle has been South African President Thabo Mbeki. Mbeki has seemed content to just tussle Mugabe's hair, call him a devilish little scamp, and then go slam shooters with Bob on the yacht. Thabo's got bigger things to worry about than massive fraud and a humanitarian crisis, he's got WORLD CUP FEVER, which is known to induce corruption and increase tolerance for large scale murder.

In a further sign of tension between Britain and Mbeki, the foreign secretary, David Miliband, traveled to South Africa at the weekend to visit the camps that house up to 3 million Zimbabwean refugees. Mbeki has refused to go to the camps, saying the people are not refugees but fugitives.

Yes, fugitives. Fugitives from all the freedom. The freedom spread from freedom squads, that drive by and beat you with patriotism sticks and shoot you with unity bullets out of compassion guns, and then bury you in mass, shallow, liberty holes.

The US and UK are expected to announce an ineffective sanction into the UN soon which will be blocked because some country gets widget grease out of Zimbabwe and can't have that vital resource interrupted. I guess they're at least pretending to do something now, which is sadly a step forward.

Bravo Ferragamo! Bravo Europa!

In case you forgot, there's a big sham election going on today. It's a pretty low affair even by African "democratic" standards. All in all a pretty awful situation that no one will do anything about, save for stern words and consternation. In fact the only thing that even attains the status of "gallows humor" are the staggeringly dishonest headlines coming from the Mugabe run Zimbabwe Herald, example: "Blow the trumpet of freedom 'Gabriel' Mugabe".

In reading up on the day's events I happened to run across a lovely little story about Mugabe's wife, Grace.

Apparently Grace is a big time shopper. Now Europe put a ban on the Mugabe's being allowed even enter the continent, but due to a quirk in the ban they are allowed to attend UN meetings. When Robert goes to these meetings lovely little Grace thieves money out of the Zimbabwe treasury and goes on monster shopping sprees.

Pure class.

Apparently the Mugabe's do this so often that the people of Zimbabwe have given Grace the nickname of "The First Shopper". Now as this is somewhat of a humorous website and the people of Zimbabwe are new to this satire and sarcasm game, let me make one suggestion. Given the fact that your country's inflation rate is anywhere from 24,000% to 150,000% and your economy and country are in shambles, may I suggest the nickname of "The Only Shopper" or "The Degenerate Animal Who Steals From You As Her Husband Rapes Your Country." The latter sacrifices wit for accuracy, so YMMV.

But what company, dear reader, would be so crass and spineless to take hundreds of thousands of dollars stolen from the poor, beleaguered people of Zimbabwe? You guessed it: Ferragamo. At least we know why Grace shops Ferragamo, because as she says “I have very narrow feet, so I wear only Ferragamo.” Well, of course, designer heels are what I wear for A-level arch support. Fierce!

Now I know you're saying to yourself "I can't believe there's a fashion conglomerate that not only pads it profits on the backs of third world manufacturing labor, but would also be so craven as to knowingly accept the stolen funds of an oppressed people from the wife of a dictator?" Shocking, I know, but try and hold back your disbelief. Maybe I'm too harsh on Ferragamo. Maybe they're going to make handbags out of a distilled form of the pure disgust people should feel towards them. I'd buy one!

But, c'mon Europe. If you aren't going to do anything about Zimbabwe other than bitch at us for not doing anything (and thanks, but we're already fucking up 2 countries, don't need to start on a third), could you at least stop these shits from going on shopping sprees in your country? Why even allow them to go to UN meetings? Mugabe isn't going to learn or contribute, just apparently because he likes sitting in front of microphones with his name on a placard. Even better yet, say it's okay for them to come and just fucking arrest them and have them tried at the Hague for all that shit they've done. I know, I know, Euro 2008 is going on. But it'll be over after Sunday, so get on it.

If that works we'll even let you do it to Bush, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Feith, Rumsfeld, Barney the dog and anyone else you'd like to put up for war crimes. C'mon, one hand washes the other. We'll send them over to be the all-star judges of a bratwurst eating contest in Hamburg and the second they step off the plane you slap the manacles on them. Deal?