Debate prep for the candidates

That magical time of year is almost upon us: debate time! This Friday at the University of Mississippi the first in a series of debates will take place. The Wall Street Journal has an article up on the candidates debate prep. For McCain it's napping (true, not an old guy joke) followed by debating sessions with one of the two black Republicans, Michael Steele. Apparently McCain needs to practice against a black guy so he isn't shocked into incoherence when he sees Obama across from him without gardening tools, a prison jumpsuit, or a squeegee with windshield cleaning rag. Silly John, all black people look the same, not debate the same.

Obama, for his part, is preparing by trying to explain the internet to his grandfather (McCain is old) and getting on the lawns of local curmudgeons across the state, then debating them when they tell him to get off. Joe Biden is prepping against a woman so as to knock out any 'Toot's" "Sweetheart's" "Honey's" "Baby's" "Bitches" and "Darling's" that may creep up. Sarah Palin is sitting in a classroom trying to memorize 5 sentence soundbytes to any answer that might come up and praying that's all she needs to know.

So frankly it seems that the only useful debate prep anyone does is finding someone that looks like your opponent and then working up the proper amount of contempt by proxy. The first debate is on foreign policy (The surge: awesomest thing ever or should it replace Jesus?) and will be moderated by Jim Lehrer.

$1 trillion? Excuse me, we meant $1.8 trillion

A $1.8 Trillion Bailout: Where the Money's Going

—Up to $700 billion to buy assets from struggling institutions.

—Up to $50 billion from the Great Depression-era Exchange Stabilization Fund to guarantee principal in money market mutual funds to provide the same confidence that consumers have in federally insured bank deposits.

—At least $10 billion in Treasury direct purchases of mortgage-backed securities in September.

—Up to $144 billion in additional MBS purchases by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

—$85 billion loan for AIG.

—At least $87 billion in repayments to JPMorgan Chase for providing financing to underpin trades with units of bankrupt investment bank Lehman Brothers.

—$200 billion for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

—$300 billion for the Federal Housing Administration to refinance failing mortgage into new, reduced-principal loans with a federal guarantee, passed as part of a broad housing rescue bill.

—$4 billion in grants to local communities to help them buy and repair homes abandoned due to mortgage foreclosures.

—$29 billion in financing for JPMorgan Chase's government-brokered buyout of Bear Stearns in March.

—At least $200 billion of currently outstanding loans to banks issued through the Fed's Term Auction Facility.

It should be added that the list is everything committed.......so far.

Bush history of financial oversight

As the Bush Administration furiously demands that they be given $700 billion with no oversight to dole out to Wall Street, Think Progress has gone to the trouble of typing up a 'greatest hits' of financial bungling by our elected betters. My favorites.

-$10 billion in spending on Iraq reconstruction was wasteful or poorly tracked. [GAO, 2/15/07]

-Halliburton overcharged the government $100 million for one day’s work in 2004. [Project on Government Oversight, 10/8/04]

-An estimated $2 billion in fraud and waste — nearly 11 percent of the $19 billion spent by FEMA on Hurricanes Katrina and Rita as of mid-June. [New York Times tally, 6/27/06]

-$1.7 billion in excessive fees and waste paid by the Pentagon to the Interior Department to manage federal lands. [Defense Department and Interior Department Inspectors General audit, 12/25/06]

-$1 trillion unaccounted for by the Pentagon, including 56 airplanes, 32 tanks, and 36 Javelin missile command launch-units. [GAO, 5/18/03]

But I'm sure they'll be even stricter with gobs more money and even less oversight, right?

That Rick Davis rascal

It seems John McCain's campaign manager Rick Davis is at it again, undermining John McCain's message with his decades of dealings. You might know the drill by now. John McCain decries some form of lobbying or shady dealing. Then later that same day it is revealed he has 30 guys on staff who advocated and lobbied for the thing McCain now hates.

The most recent version is that McCain tried to blame Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac for the subprime mortgage fiasco your future is currently being fucked by. Everything was the fault of Fannie and Freddie because Barack Obama could be loosely tied to one of their former CEO's. Here we are today, and it turns out that Rick Davis took $30,000 a month for five years to lobby for Fannie and Freddy against stricter regulation. John McCain looks like a dope again.

That's the problem with hiring a cadre of lobbyists to run your campaign, John. Whenever you want to stretch your bullshit maverick wings they always get tangled by the fact that you are surrounded by guys with concrete ties to whatever you decided you hate today. That's even if anyone has to take a second step beyond your own record, which is usually in direct opposition to the thing you now hate. Just for future reference, if tomorrow we find out there is a company that presses small, cute children through a fine mesh screen to liquefy them for fun and profit, Rick Davis will have lobbied on their behalf for a large sum of money. Don't fire up the ad blaming Obama for it, you'll just regret it later.

Democrats skeptical about handing out free money to Wall Street

Perhaps by accident or maybe on purpose, Democrats have seemingly decided that the plan laid out by Treasury Secretary Paulson and the Bush Administration this weekend isn't a very good one. What made them come to that conclusion is as of yet unknown. Perhaps the plan's provision to leave $700 billion in unmarked, non-sequential bills in a briefcase in Battery Park was a red flag. That combined with the no-oversight, no-legal action, Paulson can do whatever he wants with the money, money for Wall Street/fuck Main Street, shut up and like it parts of the plan seem to be worrying. Not to mention the whole plan seems to rest on the fact that the crisis is one of financial liquidity and everything will be solved if the taxpayer pays 'fair' price for worthless shit it then gets the privilege of trying to sell.

Most of this weekend was consumed by serious people looking at this plan and going "Seriously?" and then incredulously saying "There's no way the Democrats can let this happen, can they?" evidently forgetting which party they were talking about. The Center For American Progress and Paul Krugman of the NYT were the most vocal "no deal" proponent and he's has spelled out exactly why the deal stinks over and over again on his blog and in his columns.

For some reason the Democrats looked at all of this and have started to voice their opinion, meekly, that perhaps a blank check with no oversight shouldn't be written to the crooks who fucked up in the first place, that buying worthless shit and wishing everything fixed isn't a great plan, and perhaps $700 billion worth of complete freedom shouldn't be given to Paulson, a man who for the past couple of months has been calling the crisis contained. Democrats have decoded to broach the possibility of adding a few things to the bill, like namely oversight provisions and taxpayer protections.

Also provisions regarding cutting the salaries and bonus pay to the leadership of any company who takes up the free money offer. This came after it was learned that the Lehman Brothers people who bungled their way into to collapse are getting a $2.5 billion bonus package from Barclay's, the company that is sifting through their wreckage. Democrats are also talking about the novel idea of financial relief for distressed homeowners, outraging toads like John Boehner who were out in force yelling "Wall Street only" this weekend on the TV.

Now this is all contingent on the Democrats having successfully designed and developed a spine in some sort of secret lab. Whether or not it will hold up in its rollout this week is anyone's guess. It could buckle and shatter, like so many previous versions, the next time George Bush demands that Congress act immediately to give him the thing he asked for exactly as he worded it. So it remains to be seen what we're stuck with: a completely awful plan or a mildly awful plan.

Further economic fun

Sleep tight:

Foreign banks, which were initially excluded from the plan, lobbied successfully over the weekend to be able to sell the toxic American mortgage debt owned by their American units to the Treasury, getting the same treatment as United States banks.

Steelers Week Three

If you were to kick in the door of the next Steelers offensive line meeting and started blasting away with a shotgun, you would hit somebody who deserved it and nothing of value would be lost. Comically this was the week where every sports writer dusted off their "Steelers O-Line is really playing well" column. I'm sure it'll all seem funny by Thursday.

Thank you for almost getting Roethlisberger killed. You might have fucked us big anyway if that hand is a long term injury. He was able to dodge the typical one guy you let wander through, but wasn't able to handle the other 3 that waltzed through. Take two weeks off and quit. That he or Tomlin didn't throw you all under the bus after the game is a testament to their professionalism, not your play. Large Benjamin saved about 5 more sacks from being added to your tally by diving across the line of scrimmage. Maybe the gameplan was to tire the Eagles D out by having them run into the backfield so much that they got gassed. I don't think it worked.

You also fucked my fantasy team hard with your hamhanded run blocking. Now Tony Romo has to bail me out by passing only to Jason Witten.

Kindly die.

Regards,
Steeler Nation.

P.S. Big sarcastic thanks to Kendall Simmons wife. You couldn't have had that baby yesterday or this morning? We could have really used Kendall to be nowhere near that field today.
P.P.S. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
P.P.P.S. Alright, breathe. It's only week three.

I shit on your fine fall day

Administration Is Seeking $700 Billion for Wall Street Bailout

The Bush administration on Saturday formally proposed to Congress what could become the largest financial bailout in United States history, requesting virtually unfettered authority for the Treasury to buy up to $700 billion in mortgage-related assets from financial institutions based in the United States.

The proposal was stunning for its stark simplicity: less than three pages, it would raise the national debt ceiling to $11.3 trillion. And it would place no restrictions on the administration other than requiring semiannual reports to Congress, allowing the Treasury to buy and resell mortgage debt as it sees fit.

Staff members from the Treasury Department and the House Financial Services and Senate banking committees immediately began meeting on Capitol Hill, where negotiations were likely to be complicated but quick. Democratic Congressional leaders have pledged to help approve legislation by the end of this week.

Sorry I couldn't put this up so you could spit your Crispex into the screen, but I guess making you choke on your ham sandwich or swoon foppishly onto your fainting couch is just as good. $700 billion more. Blank check. No restrictions. Semi-annual report. Not even three pages. Blank check. Fed can do whatever it wants. Blank check.

There's no possible way this is a bad idea! *flashes thumbs up*

If you had a sarcasm measuring machine, I'm sorry I just exploded it.

the world could do without These Bastards

...and here's why:

A one-legged Queens man beat his 80-year-old mother to death with a crutch Friday - then called the cops and confessed.

"I just killed my mother and I don't know why," Sergeui Mamontov said, according to a police source.

When cops arrived, they discovered that Mamontov had also tried to castrate himself, telling the officers he was "trying to remove the evil," a police source said.

Go ahead and try to make up something better. We'll wait.

Cleric-Rolled

This is what used to hit you when you went to visit Ayatollah al-Sistani's website, sistani.org. Which, if you're like me, you check everyday to learn all the new things you can get beheaded for (#1,183: Making eye contact with the Aunt Jemima shaped syrup bottle.) Some hackers put it up for some reason, perhaps in an attempt to promote Bill Maher's new documentary Religulous, opening October 3rd. You know, because all the people going to Sistani's website are potential Maher religious documentary viewers. In any event this really ought to help those opening weekend box office numbers in Tehran. I smell #1.

So congrats to the hackers of Group XP. Sistani is PWNED, he is the PWNEDATOLLAH, he got cleric-rolled. Now if you could only hack his Yahoo account...

Bush reassures us all

George Bush is ready folks. He has put Rock Band 2 on pause to come lead us out of the financial crisis. He was fuckin' tearin' it up on the hard levels, too. Cheney on drums, Condi on bass, Bush wailin' on lead, and Gates on vocals. They were killing it, but they realized that our nation comes first. So he speechified some. Spew that reassuring pap.

We’ve seen that resilience over the past eight years. Since 2001, our economy has faced a recession, the bursting of the dot-com bubble, major corporate scandals, an unprecedented attack on our homeland, a global war on terror, a series of devastating natural disasters. Our economy has weathered every one of these challenges, and still managed to grow.

See, it's alright. We've been able to weather the other foreseeable crises that Bush didn't foresee, so we'll be able to weather this new crisis that jumped out of the bushes at him, whilst his pants were round his ankles.

But don't you worry, the crack team of fucknuts that helped steer us into this canyon are going to pull us out with a trillion dollar wench. Because somehow they got smarter in all the time they've been on watch while this happened. Not smart enough to head it off years ago, but smart enough to glue it back together after the precious glass menagerie got dropped off the roof. Now if you'll excuse him, Cheney's tapping his watch and they've got to go nail "Spoonman" on hard. No questions will be taken, because he doesn't want to harm John McCain's chances.

With a T

Paulson plan could cost $1 trillion

Congressional leaders said after meeting Thursday evening with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke that as much as $1 trillion could be needed to avoid an imminent meltdown of the U.S. financial system.
...
Sen. Richard Shelby of Alabama, the ranking Republican on the Banking Committee, told “Good Morning America”: “I figure it will be at least half a trillion. But if you look at what the Fed has already done [by rescuing insurance giant AIG], and the extension of power to Treasury to deal with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, I believe we're talking about a trillion dollars.”
...
Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.), a member of the Joint Economic Committee, told the Los Angeles Times: “What is missing from it and from the recent string of bailouts is a commitment to return to a free enterprise economy. ... What we need now is not what could be nearly a trillion dollars in new taxpayer bailouts but pro-growth policies that allow our markets to correct and start growing again.”

Ahh, gotta get that last 'pro-growth' jab in there. It was the last republican attempt at pro-growth policies that has us plopping down big-T money to fix all that horrific growth. The growth that's based on shadows and shams and inevitably is followed by the massive, massive free falling terror and money hemorrhaging.

What isn't clear is if this is a new trillion, or a trillion when added together with the $600 plus billion that's already been flushed wisely given to Wall Street. I'm betting on a whole new trillion. I'm an optimist.

So if you had any hopes of Barack Obama winning the Presidency then ushering in some new age of public transportation, health care, and environmental policy; forget it. He won't have the money, it all got spent on worthless mortgages and corporate bailouts. We can always afford to unshit Wall Street's bed, but never can pony up the scratch to make sure people can get an operation without declaring for bankruptcy first. Around here is where you're supposed to start chanting "U.S.A. U.S.A.!"

Hagel is off the Christmas card list

Sen. Hagel doubts Palin's ready

"She doesn't have any foreign policy credentials," Hagel said Wednesday in an interview. "You get a passport for the first time in your life last year? I mean, I don't know what you can say. You can't say anything."
...
"I think they ought to be just honest about it and stop the nonsense about, 'I look out my window and I see Russia and so therefore I know something about Russia,'" he said. "That kind of thing is insulting to the American people."
...
So is Palin qualified to be president?

"I think it's a stretch to, in any way, to say that she's got the experience to be president of the United States," Hagel said.

This is gonna make things awkwaaaaaaaard between Hagel and McCain at the next GOP Congressional Pancake Breakfast and Waffle Symposium. Increased even moreso because Hagel was going to be Duke of Syrups and McCain the Baron of Butters. They'll meet over John Thune's Waffles with the Canadian Maple and apple butter and it'll just be soooo tense.

But at least Hagel's man enough to admit it. It's just sad to see these campaign flacks go out and definitively state that Palin has the necessary experience because Russia is kinda close to Alaska. If only Tina Fey's SNL sketch declaration of "I can see Russia from my house" were an actual attempt at parody.

The same goes for the declarations by McCain that Palin is the most qualified person on energy in the country. An expert on energy wouldn't bungle the percentage of energy the state she runs produces. It's 2.4% Sarah, not 20%. Making sure the pipeline still works and the check from the oil company cleared doesn't exactly put you up against, you know, energy scientists, engineers, and policy experts.

Listen to Chuck, half your lies wouldn't be lies if you didn't feel the need to inflate the resume of the person old man river put on the ticket. You could stick to your main issues: lying about the policy stuff you and the Muslim guy plan. In any event it's less lies to remember.

The hits just keep on coming

It's always a nice feeling when you click over to Huffington Post in the morning and get to read the words "MASSIVE BAILOUT" in giant blood red letters. I guess this financial crisis will do one thing: make Iraq seem cheap in comparison. So bend over.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson on Friday sketched the outlines of a bold approach to confront the nation's financial crisis. "We're talking hundreds of billions" of dollars, he said.

Paulson said he would work through the weekend with congressional leaders to reach agreement on a plan that would address the root problems of the financial crisis gripping the country.

"This needs to be big enough to make a real difference and get to the heart of the problem," he told reporters at the Treasury Department.

Paulson said that the new troubled-asset relief program that he wants Congress to enact must be large enough to have the necessary effect while protecting taxpayers as much as possible.

And how do you protect the taxpayer? By putting it on the hook for billions in worthless mortgages and mortgage backed securities. Here's a hint Harry, if they were worth a tinker's cuss the global financial markets wouldn't be fucked sideways. Plus you actually said out loud that you want to address the root problems of the financial crisis. The root problem is Wall Street and our oversight. You and your buddies hate the 'o' word. 'Oversight', not 'our'.

Wall Street, in their greed as is their way, tried every crooked way under the sun to make a buck. That included most of the shady, dimwitted shit that we're forking over billions for while they writhe around on the floor like a pathetic, thousand foot wino. The way to combat Wall Street's natural tendency to suck any knob for a nickel is with regulation, laws, and consequences. We're in the process of throwing the consequences out the window, but only after gutting the laws that were preventing this exact scenario in the first place. Who knew barriers between institutions were a good thing? Glass-Steagall that's who.

The first thing that would be nice is to restore some of those laws, like say destroying anything with Phil Gramm's name in it. Pile them all up and burn them, with or without Phil sitting on it. Then gather all the financial execs in the room and beat one to death with a bat while talking about responsibility. Like in Untouchables.

Free money doesn't teach them anything other than to ask for more free money. They aren't listening when you pat them on the head and tell them not to do it again. With the $50 billion pledged today to back money market mutual funds we are currently running at just a bit over $600 billion pledged in the past year to bail out the slow children who stuck their dicks in the pencil sharpener and are surprised by the resulting bloodbath. Furthermore, even after this $600 billion had been pledged, Paulson and Bernanke are still talking about "...crafting a massive rescue plan to buy up dodgy assets held by troubled banks and other financial institutions at the heart of the nation's financial crisis."

That'll be coming down the pike possibly as early as today. Unclench. It'll be easier to take when the new bailouts come speeding in at mach 2.

Broken News: Murderous junta out of ideas, just being mean

ROGDNSZ--A civil war that has ravaged the Borovian countryside for years continues to show no sign of abating. The ruling military junta, the People’s Socialist Front, has been both oppressing its people and waging a bloody battle against the rebel Borovian Liberation Army, with the beleaguered citizens in between. But as news comes out of this breakaway Eastern European country today, a new story is being told: One of petty vindictiveness and attitudes that can only be described as “mean.”

“It’s odd,” observed Yaktok Smensh, local villager and pig fat renderer. “You used to never make eye contact and kept your head down whenever you saw a group of them together. You could have been grabbed and sent to the work camp, the death camp, the rape camp, the t-shirt camp, or even drafted into the army, or worse. God help you if they were drinking. They might kill you on the spot. In those times it was best to stay inside, lock the doors, and hope they didn’t come knocking.”

“Now? It’s different,” he continued. “I was walking from the store the other day, carrying my daily ration of pig testicle and bark bread. On of the PSF soldiers just walked right up to me and slapped the bag right out of my hand. He then remarked that I ‘dropped my food’ before walking back over to his buddies and laughing his ass off. They were all laughing. I felt three inches tall.”

The information is much the same all over Borovia. One report had a village woman ridiculed for the style and cut of her peasant dress when an armed cadre of soldiers chanted, “So last year!’ at her. One report from the capital of Krogdnsz told of a colonel forcing attendees of a local market to switch shopping bags without any regard for the meals they were trying to cook. One sergeant-at-arms even went so far as to repeatedly step on the back of a man’s shoes on his journey home from work at the heavy industrial factory.

“It’s getting worse,” said Bortof Grinkalonov, mayor of the Erglodz municipality. “I mean not worse in the sense that they’re back to the killings and kidnappings, but they’ve been escalating their petty slights against the populace. The other day, I park my car near city hall so I can go to work. Just like any other day. I see one of those punks walk up and spit right on the hood, so I told him, ‘One of these days people are going to stand up to no-goodniks like you’ and went inside. When I came back out at the end of the day I see the little shit had keyed the side of my car. It was a cherry fucking Yugo, perfect condition, with sweet ass alloy rims. You know how hard it is to get royal blue car paint in this country? I’m going to have to paint it poop brown or pea green, just like every other goddamn thing in the Fatherland!”

Observers are at a loss to explain the junta's shift in strategy. After years of bloody oppression, the populace had grown to expect a level of senseless ultraviolence in their lives, but none could have foreseen the emergence of wedgies, noogies, and titty-twisters as agents of political fearmongering.

“Fuck man, we’re out of ideas,” revealed Sub-Commandant Irglova, creator of the new strategy, dubbed Project O’Reilly. “Do you know how hard it is to come up with horrific tactics on our kind of budget? I mean once you keep shooting people over and over it kind of loses its pizzaz, not to mention the munitions cost. I mean how can people learn to fear you if all they see you do is kidnap your children and burn down your village over and over again? It gets old after a while; they tend to tune you out. You’re hacking into their grandmother and they’re spaced out, thinking of something else because you did the same thing to their other grandmother last month. Sometimes being a prick is the best way. There’s so much more to do and you can really get into their heads in a personal way that mass killings doesn’t do. You really miss the personal one on one terror with the mass killings. Isn’t that always the way?”

Already Irglova and the Director of the Weapons and Tactics Division, Martin Ool, are conceiving of new……weapons….and…tactics. “Most of these soldiers we recruit are classroom bullies and young street toughs,” explained Ool. “They already know most of these tactics, hell they’ve pioneering and field testing ‘em since the 4th grade. So working these tactics back in is just like getting back on a horse. They have a comfort level with this type of thing. I mean you have to teach these kids how to kill, maim, and raze, but they already know how to demean, abuse, and humiliate. Hell, they’re teaching us.”

Winner, winner, chicken dinner

United States

North Brunswick, New Jersey

Visitor's Time		Sep 18 2008 2:54:49 pm
Visit Number		10,000

The 10,000th person to waste his/her time with our bullshit. Congrats. Since you're closer to Sean, you'll have to drive into New York City to get your congratulatory kiss/awkward grope and free waffle iron.

It'll be something you'll be able to tell your grandkids about. That time you got to meet one of the guys from that blog that was shut down after threats were made to President Palin. Remember to visit us in prison.

Fruitcake rightwing chainmail of the day

An e-mail being sent around, about our anointed savior Sarah Palin and how she will destroy the evil one Barack Hussein Obama and his community organizing columns. Via Salon:

Dear friends:

Barack Hussein Obama has taken the nation by storm. From obscurity, with zero executive experience, or much of any kind, he has vaulted into the position of Presidential frontrunner. It is stunning. On the surface, it appears attributable only to his eloquent oratory and his race. But an invisible factor may be a strong spiritual force behind him, causing some people to actually swoon in his presence...

Last week at Obama's acceptance speech, that spirit exalted itself in front of a Greek temple-like stage, and to a huge audience like in a Roman arena. Obama was portrayed as god-like. His voice thundered as a god's voice.

At the end, Democratic sympathizer Pastor Joel Hunter gave the benediction and shockingly invited everyone to close the prayer to their own (false) gods. This was surely an abomination, but it was compatible with Obama's expressed theology, and Hunter's leftist leanings.

God was not pleased...

Enter Governor Sarah Palin. With incredible timing, the very next day, Sarah Palin also appeared out of nowhere...

We quickly learned that Sarah is a born-again, Spirit-filled Christian, attends church, and has been a ministry worker.

Sarah is that standard God has raised up to stop the flood. She has the anointing. You can tell by how the dogs are already viciously attacking her. But they will not be successful. She knows the One she serves and will not be intimidated.

Back in the 1980s, I sensed that Israel's little-known Benjamin Netanyahu was chosen by God for an important end-time role. I still believe that. I now have that same sense about Sarah Palin...

Only God knows the future and how she may be used by Him, but may this noble woman serve to bring renewal in the land, and inspiration.

Spain is in Europe, John

Dearest John-boy went out yesterday and had one of his classic McCain 'boners'. I mean mistakes. Mistakes. Johnny seems to be of some confusion about the country of Spain.

"Would you be willing to meet with the head of our government, Mr. Zapatero?" the questioner asked, in an exchange now being reported by several Spanish outlets.

McCain proceeded to launch into what appeared to be a boilerplate declaration about Mexico and Latin America -- but not Spain -- pressing the need to stand up to world leaders who want to harm America.

"I will meet with those leaders who are our friends and who want to work with us cooperatively," according to one translation. The reporter repeated the question two more times, apparently trying to clarify, but McCain referred again to Latin America.

Finally, the questioner said, "Okay, but I'm talking about Europe - the president of Spain, would you meet with him?" The Senator offered only a slight variance to his initial comment."

So clearly John was refusing to commit to a meeting with the leader of Spain. The question is why? Was he completely unaware of the name of the PM of Spain and thus had no idea who this Zapotero person was they were referring to? Did he think Spain was one of those socialist Latin American countries with the leaders who wear red and denounce George Bush? Or did he know who Zapotero was and where Spain is geographically, but refuse to commit to meeting with a NATO ally because he's still all pissy that they pulled out of Iraq?

People seem to think it was numero uno. That he heard Zapotero after a couple questions about Chavez/Castro and just assumed the Spanish name he heard was that of a Latin American dictator with a large beard. Some think it is the pissy third option, though McCain has previously said we need to smooth over our differences with Spain.

In my heart of hearts I believe it is the second: McCain doesn't know where Spain is and is unaware of it's government. Not for any real reason, just I like the thought of it. I imagine Rick Davis sitting McCain at a table and pulling down a large map of the world. He gets a pointer and circles Spain on the map and starts furiously tapping on Europe. He circles Spain again and then mimes a big 'X' over South America. John, sitting at his desk, puts his hand to his chin as "The Thinker" did and nods confusedly. Then Davis slams down a large book with 'NATO' written on it in giant letters, opens it to the 'S' section and start maniacally pointing at the page and then back at Europe on the map. Recognition hits McCain like a ton of Iberian ham as he throws his hands up and screams "I understand now!"

Spain is an ally, John.

Bushie's on it

Bush climbed out of his Nintendo bunker today to proclaim that he hasn't been hiding in a shame ditch for the past week, refusing to come out until he was promised no one would yell at him, he was workin' hard. For you.

Eager to show that he feels people's pain, President Bush scuttled a political fundraising trip Thursday to tell the country his administration is working feverishly to calm turmoil in the financial markets.

Bush was supposed to spend the day in Alabama and Florida raising money for Republicans and talking energy policy. He canceled his appearance at the fundraisers — Vice President Dick Cheney will be there instead — and stayed focused on the worst financial meltdown since the Great Depression.

"The American people are concerned about the situation in our financial markets and our economy," Bush said. "And I share their concerns."

So take comfort America, that hamster in George's skull is whirring around that wheel at frightening speeds powering George with the brain electricity to solve the crisis his policies and oversight helped cause. At this point, with his ratings somewhere among the percentage of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens while romancing Bigfoot, wouldn't it be more reassuring to the country if Bush just said "I'm not touching this with a ten foot pole. I'll let the book brigade figure this one out. If you need anything signed, hit me up on two-way. Peace"?

Though it is nice that he canceled a fundraising appearance so he could better hit those Econ 101 textbooks. Cheney will go to beat money out of fearful Republicans with a large club because he doesn't give a shit about the economy. His money is in oil, that's doing great. So be heartened, Bush has been told there's a problem and he's circling the country now looking out the window at the devastation.

McCain's a pissy bitch

Yeah I was wrong in the previous post. McCain is claiming not only to know who the leader of Spain is but also the continent where Spain resides. That means he's refusing to meet with a NATO ally......because of something something. I don't know, he can't still be pissy they left Iraq, can he? Here's his campaign flack, stoogin'.

McCain foreign policy adviser Randy Sheunemann said McCain's answer was intentional.

"The questioner asked several times about Senator McCain's willingness to meet Zapatero (and id'd him in the question so there is no doubt Senator McCain knew exactly to whom the question referred). Senator McCain refused to commit to a White House meeting with President Zapatero in this interview," he said in an e-mail.

Someone should tap John on the shoulder and remind him that we're required to defend them militarily say if Portugal gets randy or there's the long feared Moroccan incursion. So it might be a good idea to touch base with one of our major European countries instead of throwing a snit fit for some indescribable reason. Also, Zapatero is Prime Minister. Maybe he's just holding a grudge because McCain fought a guy named Zapatero in the 1910 Mexican Revolution and thinks they're related. More likely, the McCain camp is just too proud to admit their candidate made a mistake, so they're going to press this Spain-snubbing to keep from copping to a gaffe.

Cross another ally off the list.

You should have listened to Mr. T's investment advice

Well, if you invested in the stock market, financial markets, or bought the stock of any of the rapidly failing and already failed institutions that are making headlines, you probably aren't too happy right now. On the other hand, if you just said "Sod it, I'm getting a big gold rope chain" well then my friend, you are rich. You're rich AND a ballin' ass dope motherfucker. For serious.

Gold prices exploded Wednesday _ posting the biggest one-day gain ever in dollar terms _ as fears of more credit market turmoil unnerved investors and triggered a flood of safe-haven buying.

Gold for December delivery rose as much as $90.40, or 11.6 percent, to $870.90 an ounce in after-hours trading on the New York Mercantile Exchange after jumping $70 to settle at $850.50 in the regular session. That was the biggest one-day price jump ever; gold's previous single-day record was a $64 gain on Jan. 29, 1980. In percentage terms, it was gold's largest one-day advance since 1999.

The huge rally came after the government moved overnight to rescue troubled insurer American International Group Inc. with an $85 million bailout loan.

Gold has also surged on the weakness of the American dollar. Everyone laughed at you when you said you wanted to dress like Big Daddy Kane and LL from back in the day. Who's laughing now? Though honestly, you should take them off right now, gold's really valuable and you'll probably be killed for it now that the stock your neighbors invested in isn't worth the paper it was printed on.

For the future, don't listen to these Jim Cramers and Larry Kudlows, listen to the man you should have been listening to since Rocky 3: Mr. T. He had the right investment strategy: Gold. And jean vests. Those also went up on the commodities market.

your wasted lives, our boosted egos

At some point today, These Bastards will greet visitor # 10,000. Let me be the first to thank you poor, bored people for driving up the hits and laying the groundwork for our eventual world domination. When the invasion comes, some of you will be spared.

Given that the average page visit lasts just over three minutes, Matthew and I have now wasted approximately 30,000 minutes of other people's time. That works out to 500 hours, or almost 21 days -- three full weeks -- of squandered productivity. If you think that's egregious, ponder how little Matthew and I must have going on, considering we waste at least as much time (occasionally more) actually writing the content.

Anyway, much like the corrupt political machinery whose zany hijinks provide our source material, These Bastards rewards loyalty. Therefore, if in the course of perusing one of Matthew's long-winded bouts of indignant snark or an obscenity-laced class warrior tirade of my own making, you happen to see the site meter sitting at a clean 10K, congratulations! You are our winner. Who's the big winner? You're the big winner. Our email addresses are to the right should you wish to claim your reward.

And please, claim your reward. In anticipation of this momentous occasion, Matthew has been baking pies all week. Meat pies.

gilded tears

I guess this is the point where we start to cry:

Luxury retailers, long-thought immune to the economic crises affecting other retail segments, could be in for a big fall now that the very shoppers they cater to—the affluent Wall Street banker—are suffering severe financial shock.

“This is the next big boot dropping,” said Candace Corlett, president of WSL Strategic Retail of weakening luxury spending. “People who were considering extravagant purchases—the designer handbag for the fall season or the diamond earrings for a special birthday—everybody is going to take that cautious pause.”

That "cautious pause" is elsewhere known as classy restraint, Ms. Corlett. I realize you and yours aren't accustomed to contemplating where the next tank of gas or box of dried spaghetti is going to come from but... you know what? Nevermind. I shouldn't even have to explain this. Fuck you and everyone who looks like you.

Broken In Brief: Life Coach Commits Suicide

LOS ANGELES--Renowned author, television personality and Life Coach, Herm McCabe, was found dead in his Burbank home earlier today, an apparent victim of self-immolation. This, as has been noted by lead investigators, is ironic considering McCabe’s most famous motivational line of “harnessing the fire within.” Investigators are unsure as of press time just how much, if any, self-referential humor McCabe wanted to pack into his suicide. The 56 year-old McCabe, whose "Chin Up Chin-Ups" line of life-improvement videos, literature, poorly Xeroxed pamphlets, sandwich boards, speaking tours, cruise sponsorships, and beer coasters was an inspiration to dozens, left no note.

McCabe, 56, was born in Des Moines, Iowa, to Arthur and Lily McCabe, a househusband and machinist, respectively. McCabe ran away at the young age of 16 and, after traversing the country for six years as an acrobat with Ringling Brothers, settled in Chicago for a time and became a member of the Steppenwolf Theatre Company, where some say he performed the definitive Fortinbras to John Malkovich’s Hamlet. A mere half-decade later McCabe set out for Los Angeles, where several years of failed auditions led him to deep alcoholic depression, and eventual rebirth as the "Man with the upper-body plan." It was through this business venture that he met such luminaries as Cory Feldman and Corbin Bernsen, both of whom bankrolled McCabe in return for career advice.

Recent years saw McCabe turn inward as the prevailing Los Angeles commercial fitness philosophy began to shift from muscularity and substance abuse to anorexia and substance abuse. Once referred to as "a poet philosopher" by former Poison front-man, Brett Michaels, McCabe is survived by two hairless pomeranians named Lookie and Dookie, as well as a box turtle only ever referred to as "The Him."

Because you don't know any better

Courtesy of the lovely sketch comics at One Hott Mess.