Our apologies

We here at These Bastards spend a lot of time warning and cheering on the apocalypse. Robot apocalypse, financial apocalypse, meteor strikes, supernovas, lizard people, war, war with lizard people, climate collapse, and alien invasion.But one of the ones we've been most interested in is a calamitous viral event or flupocalypse. Not only because we're certain we would survive, but it's also the plotline of one of our favorite books, the Stand. It'd be glorious, a cornucopia of good vs. evil, Boulder vs. Vegas, weird omens, cawing crows on fence posts, deaf guys getting exploded, mildly retarded men stealing nukes, and holy retribution.

That's why we were so excited about the swine flu, or H1N1... or Porcine AIDS. We thought it had the power to cleanse all you rotten bastards from the face of this earth. Well, turns out the panic over it might not have been on the level.

Wolfgang Wodarg, head of health at the Council of Europe, claims major firms organised a "campaign of panic" to put pressure on the World Health Organisation to declare a pandemic.

He believes it is "one of the greatest medicine scandals of the century" — and has called for an inquiry.
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"The great campaign of panic we have seen provided a golden opportunity for representatives from labs who knew they would hit the jackpot in the case of a pandemic being declared.

What? Pharmaceutical companies hyping a virus to hawk expensive medicine? I don't believe it. I'd get up and march right over to this Wodarg fellow and tell him what's what, but don't you know, I'm not supposed to exert my legs too heavily, what with this restless leg syndrome I'm taking medicine for. Plus the pills for my nonspecific mouth pain disorder make me dizzy and a new ad makes me wonder if I'm suffering the ill effects of coal miner's pinky.

But still, isn't it the point when you discover a possibly dangerous and new type of flu related to that Spanish flu that killed everyone a while back, to overreact to it? Isn't that the point of any possible outbreak; to overreact to it? Isn't that how it gets stopped in its tracks? Isn't that how the fuckers who don't want everyone dead avoid a Stand-type scenario?

Plus, the was reported by the UK's the Sun, which means it was sandwiched in between topless women answering questions about "the issues" and horrendously bad headlines made out of puns, so your mileage may vary. But, if in fact we're all going to live and none of us survivors will be in a pitched battle for all mankind, well, we'd just like to apologize for getting your hopes up. Sorry, we're all going to make it.

On the bright side, there's always bird flu. And SARS, maybe that'll make a comeback. There is hope.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.09

Yahoo, Verizon: Our Spy Capabilities Would ‘Shock’, ‘Confuse’ Consumers
We already know our government isn't really interested in curbing all that spying and wiretapping monkey business, but we now get to learn exactly why telcom companies are so eager to join up and comply: they make a pretty penny off of it. $3500 for a month long wiretap with a $1000 price break if you want more moths after that. Trap-and-traces are $2500, and a month's worth of records comes in at a thrifty $40. Now that you think about it, that data/text plan isn't as much of a gouge as you thought it was.

Yahoo Issues Takedown Notice for Spying Price List
In a follow up to the above link, Yahoo and Verizon kind of got mad that all that information got out after they tried to block a FOIA request and is sending out fresh batches of new lawsuits. And they should be pissed off, how can Verizon charge that much to the feds and still have such spotty 3G coverage? Luke Wilson ain't gonna get you out of explaining that one, Verizon.

Feds ‘Pinged’ Sprint GPS Data 8 Million Times Over a Year
Because it's "Telcoms are scumfucks" day on the Crutch, the good people at Wired's Threat Level inform us that if you're essentially a Sprint customer that means you're basically subject to GPS surveillance by the police at any time. Don't worry, they have to get a court order...unless it's an emergency. Now sure, that might seem like an excessive and easily exploitable rights violation, but then again, the Blackberry Curve and the Treo are pretty fucking sweet and if you want a great PDA you are going to have to sacrifice some rights. But hey, NFL Mobile Live is worth it.

Pork meat grown in the laboratory
Love pork, but just aren't comfortable with the ethical quandary surrounding butchering Babe up like, well, a pig? Thanks to unholy science, your troubles are at an end. With just a few myoblast cells and an animal fetus based nutrient solution and you've got vat grown pork lumps that even PETA says you can eat guilt free. Fuckin' science, man, growing pig meat in the lab. I guess I butchered and buried all those pigs in my back yard for nothing. Now I'm not even interested to see if a bacon tree grows.

U.S. Will Settle Indian Lawsuit for $3.4 Billion
Reversing a longstanding US government policy of fucking over Native Americans at all costs, the Feds settled a longstanding case over mismanagement of land trust accounts dating back to 1887. They're going to divvy up all the money between the remaining Indians, so it's going to mean a haul of about $200 million per person. Also as a consequence of the lawsuit: the US Government recognizes Indians as people. Just a warning to all the tribes out there: the white man is still an untrustworthy devil. If they give you the money in cash, handle it with gloves and surgical masks because it might have the pig flu on it. If it's an electronic transfer, watch out for a computer virus. Don't fall for the same mistakes as your ancestors.

Nice to see the kid doing well

When last we left former President Bush we were all exhaling in relief as he finally left Washington for good, frantically reassuring each other that there was no way he could still enact legislation anymore. But we all wondered what he would get up to in his post-Presidential years. Would he try to become a large scale player on the international humanitarian field like Bill Clinton and his Clinton Global Initiative? Would he build houses and try to act as a foreign policy conscience like Jimmy Carter? Or would he do one of the things we all hoped he do, like get arrested and prosecuted for all the shit he did while he was President, or, even better, get rabies during a possum hunting trip?

None of the above. No, after finding that people didn't want to hear him on the lecture circuit, he found something more on his level: stealing gigs from 3rd string Dallas Cowboys running backs from the eighties, ex-Texas A&M linebackers who found God, and fifth tier Tony Robbins' wannabes on the motivational speaker circuit.

Yesterday, he spoke to nearly 15,000 people at the “Get Motivated!” seminar in Forth Worth, TX. He mostly focused on “lighter topics such as picking out a rug design for the Oval Office that reflected his ‘optimism.’” The Dallas News reports that for this 28-minute speech, Bush received at least $100,000 — a rate of $3571 per minute:
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It was a rousing, upbeat celebration of positive thinking and conspicuous success. Speakers were introduced with peppy music, confetti drops and bursts of pyrotechnics exploding from each corner of the stage (but not for Bush – Secret Service orders).

Oh a rousing time was had by all. There was even a greatest hits recap from his Presidency as a protester with an "Arrest Bush" sign was forceably removed from the proceedings so that the boy former-king wouldn't have to see it. Hell, even Terry Bradshaw was there throwing out "Pigs for Jesus" wristbands, promoting a nonprofit slaughter operation that benefits children. Seriously. That actually happened. So you can see why an ex-President would want to be involved and make plans to do another: the prestige. Just kidding, it's obviously the money. $100,000 smackeroos just for bullshitting about the Oval Office rug and justifying your massive unpopularity to an underwhelmed audience. Nice to see him cash in at his own intellectual level. He's earned it.

Weekend video/Pandemic scare mongering

Via Wired Science and the sciencey sounding paper “Reconstructing the initial global spread of a human influenza pandemic: A Bayesian spatial-temporal model for the global spread of H1N1pdm” by Andrew Rambaut, Philippe Lemey and Marc Suchard, comes this look at how the global Mexican pig cabals spread their H1N1 Captain Trips-esque superflu. The videos could use some ominous music, perhaps the Imperial March, Flight of the Valkyries or something from the Omen. Still, this does teach us two important things. One: We're all going to die. Two: We need to stop pigs from purchasing airplane tickets.

Oh, you thought this threat was over?

You had forgotten about Pig AIDS. Thought Pig AIDS was blown out of proportion. Thought Pig AIDS didn't have the stones to kill all of humanity. That's just what Pig AIDS wanted you to think. It's back baby and this time it means business. Level 6 business.

The World Health Organization told its member nations it was declaring a swine flu pandemic Thursday -- the first global flu epidemic in 41 years -- as infections climbed in the United States, Europe, Australia, South America and elsewhere.

In a statement sent to member countries, WHO said it decided to raise the pandemic warning level from phase 5 to 6 -- its highest alert -- after holding an emergency meeting on swine flu with its experts.

The long-awaited pandemic decision is scientific confirmation that a new flu virus has emerged and is quickly circling the globe. It will trigger drugmakers to speed up production of a swine flu vaccine and prompt governments to devote more money toward efforts to contain the virus.
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On Wednesday, WHO said 74 countries had reported nearly 27,737 cases of swine flu, including 141 deaths.

It's clear now: we're already dead and we don't even know it. Even now as we speak a Bruce Willis from the future is traversing our great land trying to find the source of the virus so he can help humanity retake the Earth and move out from the underground cities they've constructed. Captain Pig Trips has won, its time to accept our fate.

Though really WHO, devote more money towards Pig AIDS? It's a waste. We're all gonna die regardless of money spent. Besides, we don't even have the money. Frankly if Pig AIDS wants what money we do have, Pig AIDS better start manufacturing shitty cars or bankrupt itself making credit default swaps on mortgages. we only bust out the scrilla for things that weaken our economy, not our immune systems.

So just in case you thought we dodged a swine flu bullet and were eagerly awaiting a monkey flu or avian flu epidemic: too bad. The global pandemic is here. I'll see you in the mass graves.

That's one solution

Egypt MPs seek 'immediate death' for nation's pigs

Egypt's lower house of parliament called on Tuesday for the nation's 250,000 pigs to be killed immediately because of fears over the spread of swine flu, state news agency MENA reported.

"The People's Assembly urged the government to immediately start culling pigs and not to relocate pig-breeding farms away from residential areas for fear of the spread of swine flu," MENA said.

Egypt's 80-million population consists mainly of Muslims, whose religion forbids them from eating pork, as well as an estimated six to 10 percent Christian Copts who may eat pig meat.

Yeah, I guess that's one way to 'solve' everything. Except that the disease already jumped over to humans if in fact pigs are to blame. The problem already happened and now it's humans carrying the disease that are the ones who spread it. Banning travel to/from countries already in the throes of the flupocalypse would be preferable to pig genocide.

But seriously, how hard are Muslim countries laughing now? First capitalism bent us over and went through our pockets, now our love of bacon and pork chop sandwiches will catch us all our mucousy death. They've been warning about pigs for years. No swine for breakfast, no swine on their cheeseburgers, no bacon bits in their hummus, no huge factory pig farms, no swine flu. Live and learn, I guess. Or learn and then quickly die of the swine flu, as the case may be.

Good morning, we're all going to die

Here we were thinking this financial/economic crisis was going to bring the world to it's swift end. Nope. Should have seen the classic the Stand superflu angle coming down the pike. Who's to blame? Mexico, Mexican pigs, and Mexicans who kiss sick pigs on the mouth. Swine flu. It sounds funny and it'll kill us all.

Governments are racing to find and contain pockets of swine flu around the globe, seeking to stem both the threat of a pandemic and public panic.

"We're preparing in an environment where we really don't know ultimately what the size or seriousness of this outbreak is going to be," U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said Sunday.

In Mexico, the outbreak's epicenter, soldiers handed out 6 million face masks to help stop the spread of the novel virus that is suspected in up to 103 deaths.
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There is not a global pandemic yet, but waiting until scientists know if the new virus is going to spread rapidly and easily would be too late.

It's not a pandemic....yet. Everyone says not to panic.....yet. But the signs are there. We've declared a public health emergency, the WHO is talking about "pandemic potential", and Europeans are being urged to avoid North America lest they get caught up in an EU backed mission to wall up the continent and burn everything inside. It's already spread to NYC, Texas, Canada, and California, and by the end of summer the remnants of society will be collecting in Boulder or Las Vegas to wage apocalyptic battle against one another.

If there's one silver lining it's that the flupocalypse has distracted is from financial Ragnarok. In fact, we can even blame plunging markets on flu fears. This should even provide a boost to our flagging newspaper and fear mongering industries. I can already smell the thousands of "How to Save Your Loved Ones From the Pig Virus", the "PANIC!!!!!", and "Don't Panic!!!!!!" articles churning up. The other silver lining? I made money on a bet that our flu based end would be mammal related, not avian. So, you know, I'll be pretty well of as I try to rebuild society early next year. Which is nice.