Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.09

From Buzzfeed's Annotated Guide To Images From The Anti-BP Movement

In We All Know This Intuitively news the AP has kindly revealed that 58% of all the judges in areas affected by the BP spill have financial ties to the oil industry. Seems low. Just wanted you to know that in case you were getting any ideas in your head about "They'll get theirs through the legal system." Nah, kid, nah.

Breaking from years of established US government and official New World immigration policy, Native Americans have been allowed a legal victory that will seemingly come without betrayal from the white man, smallpox blankets, mass slaughter, some horribly inhumane forced resettlement, or a cloying portrayal as cat people in a James Cameron movie. It seems some in the justice system have forgotten the principles this country was founded on: fucking over Indians at all costs. Hopefully this is stopped before they gain the sense and legal standing to get justice on all that other stuff we, by which I mean all the white people who were here before my ancestors immigrated here, did to them.

With all the reports of environmental calamity coming from the Gulf, it's hard not to consider the worst case scenarios for the entire region, economy, and wildlife. But what about considering the worst case scenario for BP? Thankfully Andrew Ross Sorkin goes through what might happen and the possible future is quite a theoretical delight. Bankruptcy, cleanup costs going over $20 billion, $15 billion in claims, billions in Clean Water Act fines, Tony Hayward being pushed into a wheat thresher and then having pig excrement rubbed in his wounds, endless litigation, an unrepairable reputation, and BP being forced to break itself up are all possible options. All of them might happen. I'm crossing my fingers for the wheat thresher one. Just keep thinking positive and they all might happen.

In Punishing the Whistle-blowers, Not the Criminals They Expose news, the US Intelligence analyst who exposed the video of helicopter gunmen essentially murdering innocent civilians was arrested. It's nice to know what our priorities as a country are: arrest people who expose wrongdoing; let the perpetrators who flagrantly breaks laws off scot free while continuing their illegal policies. We have an awesome country.

Rolling Stone has put up an article on the BP oil spill and the Obama response. It should essentially be titled The Shit You Should Actually Be Mad At Obama Over. It goes over the hiring of cronies, the failure to reform MMS, and all the other problems we pointed out before. It'd be a good place for our media to start taking a look. But instead we'll continue to get stories about whether Obama needs to get angrier, the crisis over Obama not showing enough anger, and now: did Obama show too much anger when he said "know whose ass to kick" on the TV? Like I said, our priorities as a country are just super.

In closing we leave you with a review of Willow Ufgood/Wicket's biography Size Matters Not.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.09

Yahoo, Verizon: Our Spy Capabilities Would ‘Shock’, ‘Confuse’ Consumers
We already know our government isn't really interested in curbing all that spying and wiretapping monkey business, but we now get to learn exactly why telcom companies are so eager to join up and comply: they make a pretty penny off of it. $3500 for a month long wiretap with a $1000 price break if you want more moths after that. Trap-and-traces are $2500, and a month's worth of records comes in at a thrifty $40. Now that you think about it, that data/text plan isn't as much of a gouge as you thought it was.

Yahoo Issues Takedown Notice for Spying Price List
In a follow up to the above link, Yahoo and Verizon kind of got mad that all that information got out after they tried to block a FOIA request and is sending out fresh batches of new lawsuits. And they should be pissed off, how can Verizon charge that much to the feds and still have such spotty 3G coverage? Luke Wilson ain't gonna get you out of explaining that one, Verizon.

Feds ‘Pinged’ Sprint GPS Data 8 Million Times Over a Year
Because it's "Telcoms are scumfucks" day on the Crutch, the good people at Wired's Threat Level inform us that if you're essentially a Sprint customer that means you're basically subject to GPS surveillance by the police at any time. Don't worry, they have to get a court order...unless it's an emergency. Now sure, that might seem like an excessive and easily exploitable rights violation, but then again, the Blackberry Curve and the Treo are pretty fucking sweet and if you want a great PDA you are going to have to sacrifice some rights. But hey, NFL Mobile Live is worth it.

Pork meat grown in the laboratory
Love pork, but just aren't comfortable with the ethical quandary surrounding butchering Babe up like, well, a pig? Thanks to unholy science, your troubles are at an end. With just a few myoblast cells and an animal fetus based nutrient solution and you've got vat grown pork lumps that even PETA says you can eat guilt free. Fuckin' science, man, growing pig meat in the lab. I guess I butchered and buried all those pigs in my back yard for nothing. Now I'm not even interested to see if a bacon tree grows.

U.S. Will Settle Indian Lawsuit for $3.4 Billion
Reversing a longstanding US government policy of fucking over Native Americans at all costs, the Feds settled a longstanding case over mismanagement of land trust accounts dating back to 1887. They're going to divvy up all the money between the remaining Indians, so it's going to mean a haul of about $200 million per person. Also as a consequence of the lawsuit: the US Government recognizes Indians as people. Just a warning to all the tribes out there: the white man is still an untrustworthy devil. If they give you the money in cash, handle it with gloves and surgical masks because it might have the pig flu on it. If it's an electronic transfer, watch out for a computer virus. Don't fall for the same mistakes as your ancestors.