Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.04

Fox News Can’t Upset Murdoch’s Saudi Prince
We all know the basic rules Fox news operates under. 1.) Warp the meanings of fairness and balance to such a degree that it would cause George Orwell to hork on his Froot Loops. 2.) Hire any raving street corner maniac and give him an afternoon or evening opinion show, provided he of course decries liberals and praises Reagan in between fights with imaginary dragons and cardboard box defecations. 3.) Don't upset the Saudi Prince that bankrolls large sections of the Fox media empire with nasty mentions of the Saudi roll in funding terrorist actions worldwide. Actually that third one is a bit of a surprise. Who knew that such a jingoistic "fear the browns" network would find itself so beholden to Saudi sheiks. This seems like something that should have already fueled 12 ill though out chalkboard scribbling segments with a weeping Glenn Beck. Until then, you'll just have to make due with Joe Trento's take.

Our world may be a giant hologram
Did that headline just blow your mind? If it didn't, go get high and then re-read it. The entirety of existence might just be a 3-D hologram projection of a 2-D universe.... which may or may not be foil stamped onto the back of an even larger universal baseball card. Yes, that's exactly as weird as it sounds. And it's coming from the director of director of Fermilab's Center for Particle Astrophysics based on the theories of Stephen Hawking. You know, crackpots. If all of this sounds surprising to you, you need to read more Warren Ellis comics. Every other page mentions "3-D hologram of a 2-D universe" this or "Zero-point energy" that. You could be ahead of the scientific curve if you just read more superhero picture books.

NHS money 'wasted' on homeopathy
In a victory for science and common sense, the UK decided that paying out money to homeopathic doctors and hospitals on the groundbreaking belief that handing out millions to people who sold magic water as a "cure" was a ludicrous idea. I'd like to take this as a sign that the world is becoming smarter, but we're over here paying out millions to abstinence only education, have state legislature passing measure to decry climate science, and we can't even seem to get a functioning health care system. Still, baby steps.

Ultra-Precise Quantum-Logic Clock Trumps Old Atomic Clock
Now that we have evidence that the mole people are causing earthquakes in order to steal seconds off our clock and throw the earth off its axis (SCIENCE FACT!!!!!!), we are in need of two things. 1.) A bloody, violent, merciless and ceaseless war against the underverse. 2.) More accurate clocks. Since we all know that atomic clocks are prone to creating irradiated scientists and are unreliable if you need time calculated down to the exact second every 3.7 billion year period, scientists have luckily devised a quantum logic clock that monitors the energy state of an aluminum ion. Sadly this has not become the global time standard yet, so as such if one of us is to become a near ageless Godlike being, our watches are going to be off by a second or two every couple of billion years. Such is life.

What Is Time? One Physicist Hunts for the Ultimate Theory
Physicist Sean Carroll is attempting to once and for all finally answer what time is. Easy, it's that stuff that watches emit and is then eaten by our jobs, friends, and family so that you are not allowed to enjoy it. Or, if you want to be a science dick about it, there's probably some sort of equation that explains it with more physics and less bitterness. Whatever. In an interview with Wired, Carroll tries to explain what he's trying to do and just what time is from a physics standpoint.

Broken In Brief: Nice Guy Rallies, Finishes 4th

CINCINNATI--In a stunning challenge to the maddeningly true maxim, local advertising copy writer, avid jogger, and all-around nice guy Timothy Shearer, 27, staged a late-evening rally to finish 4th in a field of six.

Shearer, who was competing against five other suitors for the affections of 25 year-old Caitlyn McBree, clinched his place in the standings by offering to call a cab for suitors 5 and 6, who had passed out in each others' vomit just before the final standings were released. He then proceeded to sit with them until the cab arrived, giving his cell phone number to the cab driver and telling the man to call him when the two arrived home safely.

Finishing in 1st was reigning champion Tyson "Ty" Warner, a junior account analyst at Fauston-Wilkes, Cincinnati's lead investment firm. This marks the seventh consecutive Saturday that Wilkes, a graduate of Princeton University, amateur kickboxer, and semi-professional douchebag, has left the bar accompanied by Ms. McBree.

Second and third place went to the Umberger twins, German gymnasts who were visiting family for the weekend. The square-jawed, musclebound duo produced a strong showing despite knowing only a few phrases of English, one of which, courtesy of Mr. Warner, was "fuckfistastic pussy fart."

When asked to comment on his 4th place rally, Shearer only noted that he was "happy to be there" and, over the snickering of onlookers, that he hoped Ms. McBree would come to respect his efforts and consent to talk to him next week. He then left to do charity work mentoring inner-city youths, cheerfully oblivious to the fact that Warner had charged his entire bar tab on Shearer's credit card.