Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.04

Fox News Can’t Upset Murdoch’s Saudi Prince
We all know the basic rules Fox news operates under. 1.) Warp the meanings of fairness and balance to such a degree that it would cause George Orwell to hork on his Froot Loops. 2.) Hire any raving street corner maniac and give him an afternoon or evening opinion show, provided he of course decries liberals and praises Reagan in between fights with imaginary dragons and cardboard box defecations. 3.) Don't upset the Saudi Prince that bankrolls large sections of the Fox media empire with nasty mentions of the Saudi roll in funding terrorist actions worldwide. Actually that third one is a bit of a surprise. Who knew that such a jingoistic "fear the browns" network would find itself so beholden to Saudi sheiks. This seems like something that should have already fueled 12 ill though out chalkboard scribbling segments with a weeping Glenn Beck. Until then, you'll just have to make due with Joe Trento's take.

Our world may be a giant hologram
Did that headline just blow your mind? If it didn't, go get high and then re-read it. The entirety of existence might just be a 3-D hologram projection of a 2-D universe.... which may or may not be foil stamped onto the back of an even larger universal baseball card. Yes, that's exactly as weird as it sounds. And it's coming from the director of director of Fermilab's Center for Particle Astrophysics based on the theories of Stephen Hawking. You know, crackpots. If all of this sounds surprising to you, you need to read more Warren Ellis comics. Every other page mentions "3-D hologram of a 2-D universe" this or "Zero-point energy" that. You could be ahead of the scientific curve if you just read more superhero picture books.

NHS money 'wasted' on homeopathy
In a victory for science and common sense, the UK decided that paying out money to homeopathic doctors and hospitals on the groundbreaking belief that handing out millions to people who sold magic water as a "cure" was a ludicrous idea. I'd like to take this as a sign that the world is becoming smarter, but we're over here paying out millions to abstinence only education, have state legislature passing measure to decry climate science, and we can't even seem to get a functioning health care system. Still, baby steps.

Ultra-Precise Quantum-Logic Clock Trumps Old Atomic Clock
Now that we have evidence that the mole people are causing earthquakes in order to steal seconds off our clock and throw the earth off its axis (SCIENCE FACT!!!!!!), we are in need of two things. 1.) A bloody, violent, merciless and ceaseless war against the underverse. 2.) More accurate clocks. Since we all know that atomic clocks are prone to creating irradiated scientists and are unreliable if you need time calculated down to the exact second every 3.7 billion year period, scientists have luckily devised a quantum logic clock that monitors the energy state of an aluminum ion. Sadly this has not become the global time standard yet, so as such if one of us is to become a near ageless Godlike being, our watches are going to be off by a second or two every couple of billion years. Such is life.

What Is Time? One Physicist Hunts for the Ultimate Theory
Physicist Sean Carroll is attempting to once and for all finally answer what time is. Easy, it's that stuff that watches emit and is then eaten by our jobs, friends, and family so that you are not allowed to enjoy it. Or, if you want to be a science dick about it, there's probably some sort of equation that explains it with more physics and less bitterness. Whatever. In an interview with Wired, Carroll tries to explain what he's trying to do and just what time is from a physics standpoint.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.27

Auditor Faults Work on U.S. Embassy in Iraq
It's a shame that most of us will never be able to see the $700 million "monument to shoddy work and incompetent oversight" that the government built in Iraq. It seems like they put so much work into providing a stark metaphor for everything we did in Iraq that it hardly seems fair that only some members of the State Department will get to see it. Well, theoretically. It can't pass safety regulations and is "significantly deficient in multiple areas”, so I doubt many State officials will see it either. Perhaps we can just frame the bill next to the Iraq war authorization and hang it in a modern art museum.

House Democrats John Adler, Carolyn Maloney Move To Weaken Investor Protection Bill
It's nice to know that even after Enron, Worldcom, and the financial apocalypse that there's still people walking around that believe that Wall Street is over-regulated and investors are over-protected. I mean haven't we learned that making sure oversight is as ineffective as humanly possible all but ensures companies will follow the rules out of some duty bound respect for the public trust? I thought that was the clear lesson of The Day the Money Went Away. Keep on makin' us proud Democrats!

Revealed: Like McCain, Bush is ‘Jack Bauer kind of guy’
On the Surprise-O-Meter, what's the level of surprise you're registering over the fact that the man who ordered America to torture was an obsessive fan of 24, to the point where he harassed actors about upcoming plot points? I'm somewhere around -15. I'm surprised that this article didn't reveal that Bush had a back tattoo of Jack Bauer sticking a knife into a terrorist's head. I wonder if Obama is a fan of 24? That must be why he's not doing anything serious to combat Bush's torture and claimed national security and executive powers either.

Saudi female journalist sentenced to 60 lashes
Whew! I had forgotten there for a second that Saudi Arabia was an immensely backwards and oppressive state that represses, suppresses, and brutalizes its people. I appreciate the reminder. See what slips your mind when it's all IranIranIran, AfgahnistanAfghanistanAfghanistan, and PakistanPakistanPakistan 24/7? You forget about the smaller scumbags. Isn't that always the way?

Schumer: We Prevailed On White House That Public Option Was The Way To Go
Chuck Schumer gives a bit on a rundown of the process that finally ended up with Harry Reid putting the a public option into the Senate bill. It involved a stick of truth being effectively and publicly used to spank the behinds of non-believers, progressives actually making a stand and succeeding on the matter of a public option trigger, and a wacky ghost mystery that resulted in Reid falling through a revolving bookcase, finding the mummy's hidden gold and a spare spine. He doesn't talk about how the debate got so shoddy that a weak public option opt-out was viewed as a victory, but I think we know the answer to that. (*psst* the Senate is a stupid place)

We commend your balls

With the world's leaders gearing up for the international negotiations over climate change at Copenhagen in December, many ideas, plans, numbers, alternatives, and solutions are being offered up as ways to combat the problem. But it isn't only developed and developing nations trying to come up with solutions, the OPEC nations have one of their own: any attempt to combat global warming should also include large sacks of money to be given to them because of lost revenue.

Saudi Arabia is trying to enlist other oil-producing countries to support a provocative idea: if wealthy countries reduce their oil consumption to combat global warming, they should pay compensation to oil producers.

The oil-rich kingdom has pushed this position for years in earlier climate-treaty negotiations. While it has not succeeded, its efforts have sometimes delayed or disrupted discussions. The kingdom is once again gearing up to take a hard line on the issue at international negotiations scheduled for Copenhagen in December.
...
“It is like the tobacco industry asking for compensation for lost revenues as a part of a settlement to address the health risks of smoking,” said Jake Schmidt, the international climate policy director at the Natural Resources Defense Council. “The worst of this racket is that they have held up progress on supporting adaptation funding for the most vulnerable for years because of this demand.”

C'mon world leaders, what's more important: combating global warming or keeping Saudi profit margins up? I mean after all if an emissions treaty is signed that means that OPEC nations will only make $23 trillion dollars from 2008-2030. That's a drop of 16%! How are you supposed to build the world's tallest skyscraper, build underwater hotels, create giant sand islands, or fund a decent mujaheddin with a measly $23 trillion? Hell, their women might even start learning to read if they don't have enough money to stop it.

I think with the revelation of this information and the fact that the Saudis view this as a "make or break" provision means we have to do the right thing. We have to scrap any meaningful emissions or climate change actions until such a time as we can adequately address the needs of rich shieks. In the rush to take necessary action for the common good it seems we forgot about the billionaires and oil conglomerates. I mean isn't that always the way? For shame.

Broken In Brief: FDIC refuses to insure FDIC

WASHINGTON--With its reserves at a mere $10.4 billion as of August 1, down from $42.5 billion one year ago, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation announced today that, were it pressed, the institution would not insure itself.

"Come on, would you back us?" said Chairwoman Sheila C. Blair at a morning press conference. "US Banks lost almost $4 billion in the second quarter alone. Sure, stocks are up a bit, but the revenue they're generating? Yep, we'd be crazy to."

Investors were mostly confounded by the announcement, given that it came from the head of the organization designed to guarantee the safety of deposits in the country's banks.

"I wouldn't insure us either, now that America is mostly back to stuffing spare nickels into coffee cans in the backyard," Asked Vikram Pandit, CEO of Citibank, America's largest and least culpable banking institution. "How are we supposed to levy a service charge on that?"

In the wake of Blair's announcement investors, namely China, Saudi Arabia, and The Ferengi Alliance, flocked to their respective podiums to declare their willingness to immediately and without most conditions, to insure the FDIC.

As for the future of American banking and the economy, Blair had one suggestion, "Don't think about it. That's how the American economy works now: we put our heads down, ignore the problems, and hope everything works out by magic. This won't be a problem unless everyone focuses on it."