Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.04

Portland artist Alexander Rokoff painted a portrait of Modest Mouse frontman Issac Brock... standing in front of a boar whist wearing lederhosen. This is not that important, except for the part where it now hangs in the office of the mayor of the city of Portland, Oregon. Eat it, Eric Judy and Jeremiah Green!

Sean's off on a street corner, preaching from the bible he wrote and looking for "converts", so it falls to me to recount the things that happened today that weren't related to oil being everywhere. That doesn't leave much, so there's some oil stuff in here too. Fuck you if you don't like it.

Local Pittsburgh politician and future victim of having trash dumped on his lawn, Councilman Matt Drozd, has a bright idea for the Stanley Cup finals going on right now between Philadelphia and Chicago: he wants people in Pittsburgh to root for Philly based on some arcane tax revenue/yay Pennsylvania reasons. After my urge to stab him subsided, I decided to honor the Flyers in much the way I'm sure they did when the Pens were in the Finals the past two years... but then I decided against urinating on myself while decrying a league wide conspiracy against my team. Fuck you Drozd and don't ever suggest -even in jest- that we root for anything to happen to Philadelphia besides some epically Biblical smiting.

Let's check the score on BP and celebrities. Listened to Kevin Costner? Check. Listened to James Cameron? That's a negatory good buddy, with BP turning down the director/undersea documentarian's help in providing access to underwater equipment/technicians. Cameron responded by saying "those morons don't know what they're doing" and referred to BP's handling of access to video and the site as "asking the perpetrator to give you the video of the crime scene". Uh-oh, looks like I know who the thinly veiled, subtle as a sledgehammer, mustache twirling villains of Avatar 2 are going to be. Hurts, doesn't it, neocons?

In "Democracy" news, Diebold, the crooked, politically active, former makers of easily hacked and zero paper trail voting machines, had to pay $25 million to the SEC to settle a fraud case. The SEC will continue to pursue criminal charges against three of Diebold's executives. Gee, if this is the way they handle their books and their accounting, it really warms your heart to think about the way they handled all those voting machines.

In "This is how the world works" news, a recent lawsuit that attempted to sue pretty much every energy company for creating emissions and global warming conditions that helped exacerbate Hurricane Katrina -effectively a trial on global warming- will not be allowed to continue. Why? because so many of the judges on the 16 judge appeals court panel had to recuse themselves because of "conflicts of interest" with the energy companies, that no true majority opinion can be reached and thus the case cannot proceed. So that makes it pretty much all three branches of government that are completely entwined with private interests. I was worried it was only two.

A study recently published by two UCLA economics professors showed a surprisingly political effects between "nudging" people about energy conservation -i.e. providing energy saving tips as well as information on electricity usage to households- and energy consumption. Those who were registered Democrats who received the "nudges" tended to cut consumption by 3-6%. But those who were registered Republicans actually increased consumption as a result of the "nudges". They essentially scientifically showed that conservatives would actively act out against their own interests if they received what they perceived as a "liberal"/"pussy environmentalist" message on it. For further evidence of this phenomenon, I submit the past two decades in US politics.

Finally we close with the best orangutan/hound-dog buddy video of the week. Caution: you might overdose on cute and go into catatonic "Awwwwwww" shock.

Guh?

It's no real secret around here that we at These Bastards aren't fond of elected Republicans. Or most Democrats, robots, Cleveland, the TV media, talk radio, pundits, the moon, all people, religion, Fritz Haber, God, and ourselves. That's besides the point. I mean how can one like the GOP when all they do is stuff like freaking out over Obama bowing to a Japanese guy...even though the rest of America doesn't care or trying to convince everyone that the health care bill makes everyone pay a monthly abortion fee? It's real pathetic scumbag shit that's worthy of scorn.

Maybe we need to save a little of that scorn for Republican voters as a whole. Maybe the John Boehner's of the world are just following the deranged whims of their voters, who apparently are all birth certificate conspiracy theorizing, concentration camp photo waving teabaggers. I mean just look at this shit:

The new national poll from Public Policy Polling (D) has an astonishing number about paranoia among the GOP base: Republicans do not think President Obama actually won the 2008 election -- instead, ACORN stole it.
...
The poll asked this question: "Do you think that Barack Obama legitimately won the Presidential election last year, or do you think that ACORN stole it for him?" The overall top-line is legitimately won 62%, ACORN stole it 26%.

Among Republicans, however, only 27% say Obama actually won the race, with 52% -- an outright majority -- saying that ACORN stole it, and 21% are undecided. Among McCain voters, the breakdown is 31%-49%-20%. By comparison, independents weigh in at 72%-18%-10%, and Democrats are 86%-9%-4%.

I don't think even Glenn Beck has been flogging this one or trying to claim it's true.

Wow...just....wow. You know America, I'm done with you today.
//throws hands up and walks away

Voters are the problem

California voters exercise their power -- and that's the problem

Rightly or wrongly, voters in the special election refused either to extend new tax hikes or to cap state spending. They also declined to unlock funds that they had voted in better financial times to set aside for special purposes.

Nearly a century after the Progressive-era birth of the state's ballot-measure system, it is clear that voters' fickle commands, one proposition at a time, are a top contributor to paralysis in Sacramento. And that, in turn, has helped cripple the capacity of the governor and Legislature to provide effective leadership to a state of more than 38 million people.

Clogged freeways, the decline of public schools, an outdated water system and a battered economy are just a few of the challenges demanding action by state leaders. Instead, they are consumed by yet another budget crisis, one that voters worsened Tuesday.

Wait a minute. Voters deciding important budgetary and legislative matters based on a few months of interest group campaigning, impulse, knee jerk reactions, public distaste or like of the person or persons who created the initiative, and shortsighted views on what's happening now, their unwillingness to scale back when budgetary problems occur, a lack of the understanding they couldn't ever possibly get of the complex budgetary, tax, and legal ramifications of these ballot measures and the many varied problems passing or not passing these measures will cause, let alone the myriad of bad patches, overlap problems, and some complete governmental hamstringing that these varied ballot initiatives create.....has become a problem for the state of California?

No shit. The only people worse at making laws than the people we elect are masses of people in the millions, mostly voting off the marketing language in an ad they saw, a "No on ___" "Say Yes on ____, for the children" sign they saw, and whether Tim Robbins or Rush Limbaugh supports or opposes the measure. Who could have ever guessed that voters weren't realistic about tax rates and spending levels? So now the Governator is left with a smoldering budget crater much larger than the one that got Gray Davis recalled. Arnold is about to hit the part where the only solution is to hack at the schools, public services, police, and fire departments randomly with a machete before complete financial chaos causes California to break off and sink into the sea in a shaky, quaky hellstorm of their own devising.

But hey, at least we might get another amusing recall election that might give them an even weirder governor. Cali might also pass some useful environmental regulations before they are swallowed into the Pacific. So...silver linings.

The campaign drags on...forever

You naively thought this whole campaign simply ended with election night. No, my sweet sweet children, it did not. You forgot about runoffs, recounts, and the apparently unending process of counting all 20 votes in Alaska. This election is going to last forever. John McCain is even back out there again, campaigning his ass off. I'm not sure if he had a complete mental break and thinks it's mid-October or if he realizes it's November, but he's out in Georgia stumping for Saxby Chambliss in his runoff against Jim Martin. He's hoping to bring that Mondale McCain magic to ole Saxby, so the Sax Machine doesn't have to resort to his usual tactics of running ads comparing his opponent to terrorists, dictators, and Northern abolitionists.

Jim Martin has also asked begged P-E Obama to come down and campaign for him. Also, to go back in time and get the black turnout he had and bring it to the present. For his part, Obama has sent down a team of 100 organizers in an attempt to bask Martin in reflected glory. There's even talk of bringing back America's Dumb Rural Aunt, Sarah Palin, down to Georgia to pick up a few clothes, get sandbagged by the Chambliss campaign, and accuse Martin of palling around with people who pal around with terrorists. That is if she can take time out of her schedule of giving interviews trying to dissuade the populace that all the stuff that sounds completely in character and totally true about her....isn't. The re-vote goes off December 2.

The article also breaks the news the in Alaska, Mark Begich has won about 62% of the absentee/questioned/early votes so far. He only has to win 52% to beat the Hulkster. Look for them to actually finish the first round of counting by the time Minnesota finishes it's 9th recount. The 2008 election will never end.

Minnesota update

We aren't even at the recount phase and Franken keeps gaining votes. Coleman's lead dropped to 236 votes last night when election officials discovered a mistake in Partridge Township's numbers.

Just as Secretary of State Mark Ritchie was explaining to reporters the recount process in one of the narrowest elections in Minnesota history, an aide rushed in with news: Pine County's Partridge Township had revised its vote total upward -- another 100 votes for Democratic candidate Al Franken, putting him within .011 percentage points of Republican U.S. Sen. Norm Coleman.

The reason for the change? Exhausted county officials had accidentally entered 24 for Franken instead of 124 when the county's final votes were tallied at 5:25 Wednesday morning.

"That's why we have recounts," Ritchie said, surveying the e-mail sent in from the county auditor. "Human error. People make mistakes."

They haven't even got to the recounting and they're finding errors that amount to hundreds of votes, which is the margin. Coleman still thinks no recount should go on? Of course, he still wants the healing process to go forth. That's what guys who are cut and bleeding votes want: healing. .011%.

Expensive recounts trouble Norm Coleman

The Al Franken/Norm Coleman donnybrook in Minnesota is going to a recount. Coleman's lead has fallen to 438 and the closeness of the margin triggers an automatic recount. Franken's statement is clear "Our goal is to ensure that every vote is properly counted." Coleman? He's concerned the recount will cost too much and he wants Franken to call off the legally mandated recount so the "healing process" can begin. The cost of this recount.......$86,000.

For those of you counting at home, that's only $11,000 more than the $75,000 crooks funneled to Coleman's wife in exchange for favors from Normy. Norm's just looking out for Minnesotans, who hate spending relatively tiny sums of money to find out who their senator is. C'mon Al, the healing process doesn't involve knowing who really won, it involves agreeing that Coleman won and shutting up. So TB aficionados out there in internet land, if you have psychic powers, concentrate hard and blow up Norm Coleman's head Scanners-style. You owe us. He's a wretched shit and I hope this recount goes badly for him. Ooh, make him lose by one vote, God. I don't believe in You but it's what I ask of You.

If you people have have the means or time, heap abuse on Coleman and show some support for Franken. Also, the head exploding thing. Remember the head exploding with the psychic powers.

Exit polls: Hitler and the Devil rolled into one

Ahh exit polls, the thing that get Democrat hearts aflutter, before horrible reality comes in and throws gasoline on your hopes and sets the bastard alight. They were wrong about Gore (missed a crucial 5 votes on Maryland Ave in Washington DC) and Kerry (landslide!), and Karl Rove got to rub his festering sack on your head those two nights when the networks released them early, convinced you the world was just and good, then yanked your seat out from under you and laughed as you fell when the real numbers came in. Nate Silver at FiveThirtyEight has a list (and multiple paragraphs) of reasons to ignore them this time.

1. Exit polls have a much larger intrinsic margin for error than regular polls.
2. Exit polls have consistently overstated the Democratic share of the vote.
3. Exit polls were particularly bad in this year's primaries.
4. Exit polls challenge the definition of a random sample.
5. Democrats may be more likely to participate in exit polls.
6. Exit polls may have problems calibrating results from early voting.
7. Exit polls may also miss late voters.
8. "Leaked" exit poll results may not be the genuine article.
9. A high-turnout election may make demographic weighting difficult.
10. You'll know the actual results soon enough anyway.

Also, exit polls sneak into your room when you pass out and draw dicks and balls on your face, exit polls hid the truth about the contaminated water in the local reservoir, exit polls don't pay no child support on all its kids, and exit polls helped hide Eichmann in Argentina. So when they get leaked early, don't start the celebratory drinking or the victory dance you choreographed, just stay calm. Take note of them, ignore them, and continue on with the normal midday drinking you do. You'll know soon enough.

Lindsay you cad

From Holy Bullies and Headless Monsters

For the past few weeks, I have heard ads on black Gospel radio stations from Senators Lindsey Graham and Representative Joe Wilson encouraging black voters to "split the ticket."

I believe one of the phrases were "no matter who you vote for as president . . ."

Keep in mind this was going on at the same time that Graham had been campaigning for McCain.

That's right, Lindsay Graham, John McCain's BFF with benefits, is going around his state telling the blacks that it's A-OK to vote for that black guy, but please for the love of God don't throw all the Republicans out of office. This is in South Carolina mind you. Now Lindsay is JMac's biggest booster outside of Lieberman and he ranks somewhere along the insufferable brownnoser section of the Cambridge Standard Toady Scale. But in his own traditionally Republican state, he's telling 30% of the population before it turns out in the highest levels since blacks got the right to vote that its OK not to vote for McCain, just don't start fucking up the downticket.

Doesn't that seem a little odd? I mean wouldn't you be trying to make some case to them for McCain, or at least try to depress the black vote? In some states, in early voting alone, 50% of all registered black voters have voted. Does Lindsay see some writing on the wall and is doing damage control? Or does he see SC as so safe that he can do this in an attempt to salvage some bleeding without damaging McCain's chances? Something to put in the back of your mind for tonight.

Yes on Prop R

On Tuesday, Californians will go to vote for President as well as Prop 8, which will allow or ban gay marriage. In San Francisco voters will have another choice: whether to name the sewage treatment plant after George W Bush. Prop R. Cali, on a day where you can elect the first black President and vote to allow basic rights to gays, you can also make a city wide doody joke at the expense of our boy emperor. I think you all know what to do. Yes on R. Someone find me a flag to salute.

So say the McCainiacs: voting is cheating

McCain Supporters Heckle Early Voters, Call Them 'Cheaters'

Photographer Joe Eddins and I headed over to the closest one and found a steady line of voters hoping to cast ballots early. Most seemed to be Obama supporters and several had come from the rally. Nearly all the voters were black.

Also at the polling site was a group of loud and angry protesters who shouted and mocked the voters as they walked in. Nearly all were white.

As you can see from these videos, no one held anything back. People were shouting about Obama's acknowledged cocaine use as a young man, abortion and one man used the word "terrorist." They also were complaining that Sundays are for church, not voting.

Well done McCain supporters. I know 'retro' is the hip thing nowadays, but it's just supposed to be about music, clothing, and design...not racial attitudes. You know, a group of predominantly white people heaping abuse on a group of predominantly black people for wanting to exercise fundamental constitutional rights is so....1964. At least put on a fedora, dress like Don Draper and pretend it's Halloween related sixties political theatrics. Don't be so overt is all I'm saying.

Although I am intrigued by this concept of early voting constituting cheating. Are they concerned that by casting your vote early you are thereby denying McCain a full month's worth of chances to grind down your will or mindfuck you into voting for him? Are you cheating by casting a vote for a Democrat in North Carolina? Ignoring God's will by voting against his chosen candidate on the Sabbath, engaging in the rare double-blasphemy? In any event, here's a list of the state by state rules in case you want to do some early voting cheating. My state only allows me to cheat on November 4th.