He's back!

You may remember insane Tea Party candidate and Founding Father fetishist Rick Barber, who is running for Congress in Alabama. He was the guy complaining about IRS and Census oppression in front of a gun stroking Washington and calling for an armed uprising against the government. Gather your armies!

Well, he's back and this time he has a pedantic argument about the Whisky Act, an overlong rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, a girly slappy fight with Glenn Beck to enact and this time he brought Honest Abe with him.



So...... no... taxes? Because.... taxes are exactly like..... slavery? And..... the holocaust? THOSE GODDAMN BLACKS ARE GETTING FREE BAILOUT MEALS!

One minor historical quibble. You know that part where you reference slavery and the Civil War and how "We shed a lot of blood to stop that in the past, didn't we?". Yeah.... you're from Alabama. You didn't shed any blood to stop slavery. You people, your state, and your side shed blood to keep slavery. It was an important dividing point between the two sides. Us Northern homosexual liberals who are oppressing everyone with the tyranny of health care? We're the ones who fought against slavery. Also: Lincoln loved the shit out of taxes.

Anyway, keep it up, Rick. I await the next one with Teddy Roosevelt carrying a big stick and complaining about those damned Mexicans he fought and financial reform. I'm sure it's like... child murder or something.

God I love the Teabaggers

Anyone want to guess what state he's running for Congress in? Sorry Texas, you lose this round: it's Alabama. Tyrannical government! IRS! The Census! Oppression! Evils... being perpetrated! Gather.... your... armies.

Funny side note, if you actually read the Constitution you'll find that in the treason/impeachment section under high crimes and misdemeanors, "being a black President" is listed as the #1 offense. James Madison had in bolded and underlined. So I think he has a case.

Maths + science

Both Sean and I here are big supporters of education, science, math, and various other things that can loosely be defined as "uppity book shit". Why? Because we've been bought off by Big Book and Big Knowledge. We're huge whores, what can we say?

So we often try to highlight the large Texas sections Texas of this Texas country Texas where people Texans are trying Texas to undermine science and facts, and monkey with our basic educational system. That said, we also know when well intentioned educators are doing things wrong as well. After all, there's a right way to educate and a wrong way to educate. Let's see if you can point out where this next fellow went wrong. Show your work.

The Secret Service investigated an Alabama high school teacher for using the example of shooting President Obama while teaching a geometry lesson.
...
A student in the class described the lesson: "He was talking about angles and said, 'If you're in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president.'"

The district superintendent told the News that the unnamed teacher will not be disciplined.

Where do you think the teacher went wrong? Clearly he wasn't accounting for wind resistance, any teleprompters in the way, or podium height. At least he had the decency to cross Medgar Evers' name off this old lesson plan and fill in a new darkie. Gotta make the lessons current, otherwise the kids will never pay attention.

Lest you think we'll just paint Alabama and the South with the same finger wagging brush, we'll have you know that both Sean and I consider this to be progress. In the entirety of this man's lesson he did not once refer to mathematics as "that durned numerical witchcraft", attempt to cast Pythagoras as a heretic, or petition the state to bring back the cubit as a unit of measurement. He even taught the assassination lesson in an unsegregated class. I think you'll agree that this is remarkable progress for not only Alabama, but Southern education as a whole.

So if you're in the Jefferson County area and want to drop in on Corner High School, you might just learn something. Like, say, the chemistry teacher teaching the proper gasoline to frozen orange juice concentrate measurements for homemade napalm in case that pesky local IRS building keeps infuriating you or the English Department's curriculum guidelines for their Turner Diaries unit. If you stick around, you might just get to enjoy the Phys Ed Department's George Wallace themed Field Day wheelchair races.

We're theoretically allowed to have a functioning government again

You may have read how last week Senator Richard Shelby of Alabama placed a blanket hold on the confirmation of nominees for 70 governmental positions over the honorable principles that Alabama might not be getting all the military pork it is entitled to and a conspiracy theory that Obama was biased against Alabama. It was essentially an unprecedentedly crooked ransom demand and one that had the added benefit of attempting to damage the running of government by causing further delays to confirming people to many of the top governmental positions that are still unfilled. But then again, the all important state of Alabama needs that sweet, sweet defense money.

But, following near universal scorn and hatred directed his way, Shelby decided to relent and rescind 67 of the holds and to theoretically allow the country to be functionally run as if it were an actual superpower.

Sen. Richard Shelby (R-AL) has dropped all but a handful of the 70-plus holds he placed on President Obama's nominees last week. Shelby's office told TPMDC today that the goal of the blanket holds had succeeded three days after it was reported and roundly attacked by Democrats and the White House.

"The purpose of placing numerous holds was to get the White House's attention was to get the White House's attention on two issues that are critical to our national security," Shelby spokesperson Jonathan Graffeo said in a statement, referring to two programs that would sent billions in taxpayer funds to Alabama.

The issues critical to national security: building expensive shit in Alabama. He is, of course, still holding three hostages, the Assistant Secretary of the Air Force for Installations, Environment, and Logistics, the Principal Deputy Under Secretary of Defense for Acquisition and Technology, and the Under Secretary of the Air Force, until those nominees of the White House promises to acquiesce to his demands that very expensive airplanes are made in Mobile.

This was just your daily reminder that we, as a nation, are governed by adults. Remember to act real surprised when this country collapses on itself.