Mascottery

We all love the Olympics. The pomp, the circumstance, the athletes, the competition. But when you ask people "what do the Olympics need to add" you get one clear answer. The answer you used to get was "A tightly regimented, visually appealing opening ceremony performance from an oppressive communist country." But since Beijing, those wishes have subsided. Now the first thing people say is "Olympic mascots that not only look like giant penises with arms, but seem to be wholly conceived as a reference to a slang term for the penis."

London 2012 gives you Wenlock and Mandeville... the one eyed monsters.


No, no, it all makes sense. See:

The mascots have been given a back story, created by acclaimed author and former children’s laureate Michael Morpurgo, based around the idea that they were formed from the last drops of steel left over from girders made for the Olympic Stadium.

Ahh,that's why they look like giant dancing cocks. Sure beats the pants of Atlanta 1996's Izzy... the dancing blue sperm in sneakers.

So thank you London for allowing what is evidently some large scale prank by giggling teenagers to slip by the 80 year-old Lords, Sirs, and Barons who were probably running this thing. Much thanks to the 20 and 30 year-olds who never spoke up to point this out.

We know you weren't going to wow us with the opening ceremonies, as 30 Rock explained... you don't have control over your people like that. But thanks for giving us the next best thing: two penis shaped "one-eyed monsters... *wink*" as mascots. The world thanks you and eagerly awaits the London games.

Olympics... for the kids

The Winter Olympics are almost upon us, with all the requisite pomp, circumstance, and the surprised cries of "Oh right, that is a sport... in some cultures." But with the Vancouver Games about to kick off, we are left with one more surprise: apparently one of the mascots for the Vancouver Olympics is none other than the internet's famous child loving ursine, Pedobear. At least he is according to Polish newspapers.

A Dutch magazine even thought Pedobear was an official mascot as well. Serves them right for not understanding bizarre American internet memes. Well in their defense, there are a lot of underage kids in figure skating, so I guess it makes a kind of sense.

In disappointing reality, Pedobear is not an Olympic mascot. It's just the work of Michael Barrick, an artist who noticed a similarity between the mascots and Pedobear and logically combined them in a nefarious effort to confuse foreigners and make the intarwebs giggle. Mission accomplished, well done. He's just lucky he pulled this with the Canadian games. If he did this to the Chinese he'd be buried under the south end of the Bird's Nest. Way to pick your targets.

Biden to pander with champions

CRITICAL PHANATIC ENDORSEMENT!!!

Biden to appear with Phillies Monday night

At his last rally before the election, Joe Biden will appear with players from the World Series champions Philadelphia Phillies, his campaign announced Sunday afternoon.

Born in Scranton, Pennsylvania and a longtime resident of Wilmington, Delaware, Biden is a big Phillies fan. Though his love for the team seems to be outmatched by his wife Jill’s, who attended the final games, and whom Biden describes as a ‘rabid’ fan of all Philadelphia teams.

We all know how important sports pandering is to the electorate. Dan Rooney did his part, so did Jimmy Rollins. Now we get the rest of the Phillies and PA's beloved three term governor and rabid pro-abortion supporter, the Phillie Phanatic. Now all you have to do, Joe, is come over here and drown the Nuttings and the LaRoche brothers in a river of your choosing with the help of Sidney Crosby or Evgeni Malkin and you'll have the support and off all the PA sports teams, except the Flyers, who went for Palin and had her appear on ice to make sure their fans had a chance to traumatize a six year old on TV.

It's over McCain, try though you might to get the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins or the Altoona Curve on your side. Pennsylvania is a lost cause.