Mascottery

We all love the Olympics. The pomp, the circumstance, the athletes, the competition. But when you ask people "what do the Olympics need to add" you get one clear answer. The answer you used to get was "A tightly regimented, visually appealing opening ceremony performance from an oppressive communist country." But since Beijing, those wishes have subsided. Now the first thing people say is "Olympic mascots that not only look like giant penises with arms, but seem to be wholly conceived as a reference to a slang term for the penis."

London 2012 gives you Wenlock and Mandeville... the one eyed monsters.


No, no, it all makes sense. See:

The mascots have been given a back story, created by acclaimed author and former children’s laureate Michael Morpurgo, based around the idea that they were formed from the last drops of steel left over from girders made for the Olympic Stadium.

Ahh,that's why they look like giant dancing cocks. Sure beats the pants of Atlanta 1996's Izzy... the dancing blue sperm in sneakers.

So thank you London for allowing what is evidently some large scale prank by giggling teenagers to slip by the 80 year-old Lords, Sirs, and Barons who were probably running this thing. Much thanks to the 20 and 30 year-olds who never spoke up to point this out.

We know you weren't going to wow us with the opening ceremonies, as 30 Rock explained... you don't have control over your people like that. But thanks for giving us the next best thing: two penis shaped "one-eyed monsters... *wink*" as mascots. The world thanks you and eagerly awaits the London games.

I'm sure this won't result in some sort of rash of falling deaths

Maybe some of you readers have been to Paris. Tell me, wasn't the first thing you thought when you saw the Eiffel Tower "Boy, I sure wish this durned thing was red and twisty and that any idiot with a sixpack of Natural Ice in him could climb up it if he or she wished to"? Sure, we all say that. The lack of a climable metal piece of artwork is Paris' greatest flaw. Plus, it would be better if Eiffel also built it in a place that spoke English; either the King's or Americanese.

Well London, the UK Olympic Committee, London mayor Boris Johnson, and architect Anish Kapoor heard your clarion call. Climbable red twisty Eiffel Tower!

Designs for what will be Britain's biggest piece of public art, a 120 metres tall looping tower by the artist Anish Kapoor that people will be able to climb, giving spectacular views of London, were unveiled today by Boris Johnson, mayor of London.

Kapoor's Orbit, a vast, snaking steel structure, will dominate the 2012 Olympic park. It is being hailed as London's answer to the Eiffel tower and is part of an ambition to make the Olympics site a permanent visitor attraction.

Kapoor won the commission from a shortlist of bidders believed to include the artist Antony Gormley and the architects Caruso St John. Johnson said of Kapoor: "He has taken the idea of a tower and transformed it into a piece of modern British art. It would have boggled the minds of the Romans. It would have boggled Gustave Eiffel."

Hmm, I think you're overselling it a bit, Boris. Still one does appreciate the verve with which you're opening up English citizens and tourists from all around the world to violent falling deaths from a distance of up to 120 meters. Truly your commitment to the Olympic tradition of building immensely ludicrous structures is not constrained by base notions of architectural eyesores and public safety. Well done, sirs.