His Lordship and one of his High Daemon Secretaries, moments before eradicating the bedrock of American greatness.
RUSH LIMBAUGH'S MIND—Today the shadowy veil of deception dropped as the 44th President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, announced a new litany of laws set to bedevil the hearts and minds of a beleaguered American populace. From his throne of skulls inside his chamber of horrors, the swarthy Muslim self-styled God-king spoke of a need to “…stifle the free market, hamper productivity, desecrate Reagan’s grave, and besmirch the vast intellectual fruits of the still vibrant conservative movement.”
First on the President’s agenda was a signing ceremony for the resurrection of the Fairness Doctrine. The original law, meant to ensure airtime was provided to contrasting views on vital and controversial matters, was discarded by President Reagan in 1985. The new bill, signed into law with a pen made of Hitler’s femur and filled with children's spinal fluid, will force broadcasters to forcibly transmit Obama’s mind-controlling frequencies while in turn requiring conservative commentators to cease broadcast five times per hour and genuflect in front of a portrait of Jimmy Carter.
“Oh, it's fucking diabolical,” said Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel as he wiped his bloody penis on a flag and spit on the frightened young boys cowering in the corner. “First we brandish our liberal propaganda all over the airwaves, making the liberal media -- which we cleverly hid inside large conservative mega-corporations -- even more liberal... as if that were even fucking possible! After the population has learned to embrace cowardice, health care, and Roquefort cheese, we’ll go after the only form of resistance remaining: conservative radio. Oh, at first they’ll resist, but once our newly commissioned Thought Police puts their arms up behind their backs in a really painful way, they’ll change their tune. How’s ‘Give Peace a Chance’ sound?”
“But perhaps I’ve said too much,” he laughed maniacally while holding down the big, red button on his desk labeled "Current to Michael Steele's testicles."
From there the plan is to introduce to Congress the Freedom of Choice Act. This radical new pro-abortion plan will actually pay women to have abortions, with the dollar amount doubling with each procedure. The plan also offers a 50% bonus for any abortion performed by an illegal immigrant doctor; 75% if the woman can find a Mexican day laborer working a job an American used to do to perform the task. The FoCA, which previously had never been heard of or even conceived of outside of mailers for anti-abortion and religious groups seeking donations, ideally will be signed in a burning church after the violent abolition of all organized religion.
“Ah-ha! Jesus H-shitting Christ, I fucking Goddamn knew it!” shouted Catholic League President, CEO, Board of Directors associate, and sole member Bill Donohue, when contacted about this revelation while he picketed the general immoral existence of non-Catholics. “People just thought we and every other fundamentalist sect were trolling for money just because no one had ever heard of this FOCA plan we said was in imminent danger of passing. Who’s laughing now?”
“I can’t wait to see our quarterly donation reports after this passes!” he said before moving on to chastise a group of pre-teen girls, who were walking into a screening of the Jonas Brothers movie, for cooperating with evil by helping to support the gay death style of a depraved liberal Hollywood.
Already new atrocities are being enacted to further enslave America in Obama’s liberal totalitarian police state. Already ‘NObama’ bumper stickers and shirts are being rounded up and burned, as well as the immediate confiscation of placards referring to the President as ‘That One’.
In fact the only vagaries of these new imaginary laws are whether or not Obama has decided to crush the opposition quickly, say by making them accept all the funds he allocated them in the recent stimulus atrocity, or by slowly killing the American spirit, perhaps by slowly improving the health of citizens through a magical socialist pyramid of health coverage schemes. Already the seeds of revolution are being planted, with new, sparsely attended ‘American Tea Parties’, where patriots gather in the dozens to confusedly support the financial sectors who are under siege from shifty minority homeowners.
When told of these flowerings of opposition, a haughty and presumptuous Obama simply laughed, lightning flashing in the distance, and said “No mere mortal can stop the onslaught of socialism.” He motioned to have reporters taken away before he moved to dangerously plunge this country further into imaginary totalitarianism.
