How government works

Chairman of the House Appropriations Committee, David Obey (D-WI), explains how appropriations for the peasant class and budget negotiations work in this man's America. On education and government cheese:

We were told we have to offset every damn dime of [new teacher spending]. Well, it ain’t easy to find offsets, and with all due respect to the administration their first suggestion for offsets was to cut food stamps. Now they were careful not to make an official budget request, because they didn’t want to take the political heat for it, but that was the first trial balloon they sent down here. … Their line of argument was, well, the cost of food relative to what we thought it would be has come down, so people on food stamps are getting a pretty good deal in comparison to what we thought they were going to get.

Well isn’t that nice. Some poor bastard is going to get a break for a change.

And these are supposedly the liberal communist socialists who are going to drown the American ideal in a bathtub full of government handouts. Karl Marx scoffs at their contempt for the proles.

With battles like this against a Democratic White House, it's hard to see why Obey would want to retire. Oh, no wait, it isn't. This seems to be the kind of stuff that would erode your soul over the course of four decades in Congress.

Ah well, hopefully the next guy in charge of the House Appropriations Committee won't be so concerned with poor people in a lousy economy eating. Or education. Seeing as he'll probably be a Republican, I think we can safely assume that to be the case.

David Obey explains why the economy is still shitty

Rep. David R. Obey (D-WI), the chairman of the House Appropriations Committee, discusses the economy and how our stupid government works in an interview lovingly titled I Leave More Discontented Than I Started.

The problem for Obama, he wasn’t as lucky as Roosevelt, because when Obama took over we were still in the middle of a free fall. So his Treasury people came in and his other economic people came in and said "Hey, we need a package of $1.4 trillion." We started sending suggestions down to OMB waiting for a call back. After two and a half weeks, we started getting feedback.

We put together a package that by then the target had been trimmed to $1.2 trillion. And then [White House Chief of Staff] Rahm Emanuel said to me, "Geez, do you really think we can afford to come in with a package that big, isn’t it going to scare people?" I said, "Rahm, you will need that shock value so that people understand just how serious this problem is."

They wanted to hold it to less than $1 trillion. Then [Pennsylvania Senator Arlen] Specter and the two crown princesses from Maine [Sens. Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins] took it down to less than $800 billion. Spread over two and a half years, that’s a hell of a lot of money, but spread over two and a half years in an economy this large, it doesn’t have a lot of fiscal power.

Lesson two today in how government works: various smart people and experts come in and lay out The Smart Plan to tell you exactly what needs to be done to fix a problem, political hacks oppose The Smart Plan on the intellectual basis of "that sounds big", elected hacks take their hatchets to The Smart Plan on the intellectual basis of "that sounds big" and the added benefit of "looking like they're doing something to justify their existence to the press and voters", and then said New, Less Smart, Less Effective Plan passes to much circle jerking and back patting..... and fails to fully address all the problems. Everyone acts surprised, yet still refuses to do anything further. Wash, rinse, repeat.

The coveted These Bastards endorsement

Today are the GOP and Democratic primaries for the Texas Governorship. If you happen to be from Texas, well, FUCK YOU!! Sorry, that just come rushing out of me, I don't know why. Actually, I do. You deserve it.

Irregardless, if you happen to be one of those Texas rarities we call a Democrat and you have not been driven out of the state like so much cattle, then we would like to demand you vote for someone. That man is Farouk.

I don't know if that's his last name or his first name. I don't know if he's an insane person, an average candidate, or Jesus incarnate. I don't know any belief he holds, policy he supports, or anything other than this one single fact: he authorized an autotuned rap/R&B song to remind people to get out and vote for him.

I don't need to hear a second thing.



FAROUK! FAROUK! FAROUK! is on fi-ah!

Serving the community: his numba one des-i-yah!

Please Texas, elect this man to something.

Important earth shattering news

The entire run of the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost/Jessica Stevenson/Edgar Wright TV show Spaced is up on Hulu. Of course both Sean and I would throttle you to death if we ever met you in public and learned you had not seen it, here on the internet we can only throttle you with hateful words of scorn and disdain. So, if you haven't seen Spaced and you're too much of a cheap wretch to buy it, go watch it, all of it, right now. Though hurry, because soon even Hulu will be charging money for their programs, which is the fine for makers of quality things like Spaced, but the worst thing ever for cheap bastards like yourself.

Buy things!

Warren Ellis is launching a t-shirt of the week scheme in which you can buy body coverings emblazoned with the anti-social ravings and angry commands of a professional comics writer. Because why wouldn't you want a coffee mug that asks "Where's my fucking coffee?" or an apron bearing this slogan:

We've changed our minds

Perhaps, in our quest for world domination, we made a request in too much haste. Oh sure, we really need a naval fleet, that much is certain. But I think we've give too little consideration to our land based God-chariots. That's why Sean and I would like you to consider buying us The $1.6 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armoured car.


Need me to sell you? How about it's made by the same company, RussoBaltique, that built armoured vehicles for Tsar Nicholas, Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky. Yeah, two people who were brutally murdered and another who was hit by numerous assassination attempts. I think it's important to note that all these things happened outside their RussoBaltiques, not inside. I'm sold on the protection. But what about the luxury?

The bulletproof windows are gold-plated, the exhaust is made of tungsten, the gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies and the exterior has a Kevlar coating.

The car also comes with three bottles of the world’s most expensive Vodka, RussoBaltique, although the website does warn prospective buyers not to drink and drive.
...
Dartz’s armoured vehicles weigh roughly 4 tonnes, are powered by V8s putting out between 300kW and 400kW and are “rocket grenade-proof” according to the website.

But what about something for a discerning and classy individual, like myself?

The Russian armoured-car builder is boasting that its latest vehicle has seats covered with “whale-penis leather”

I'll take ten.

A request

I know we're fond of making requests here. Laugh at this, deride that, obey this, burn that, kill that. But Sean and I would like to once make a selfish request for us. By which I mean in addition to the near daily requests for power, prestige, and influence that you have failed to deliver to us. Anyway, we want one of these:


Probably two, hopefully a fleet. It's the $170,000 WaterCar Python. It is essentially a Corvette combined with a luxury speedboat. Autopia says it "offends all five sense on land and water" but they failed to count the offenses towards any sense of decency, dignity, or the kind of taste that allows you to discern what is aesthetically pleasing.

I'm not allowed to tell you what they're for, but it does involve an invasion of a sort. So please, if you're one of the many billionaires and rich Arab oil sheiks who I'm certain read this blog, buy us a couple dozen. We'll supply our own quasi-militaristic garb and loudspeakers blaring "Flight of the Valkyries."

Nazi Julie Andrews

Both Sean and I would like to recommend the movie In the Loop for your viewing edification. A comedy about how a hamhanded statement by a British state secretary is used by various US and UK officials to alternately advocate for and against a potential war. It's not only one of the smartest political comedies in ages, it's also just an unending stream of great one-liners. We also would like to endorse the BBC show The Thick of It, which is a basic precursor to this movie, and the larger creative works of writer and director Armando Iannucci.

As you know these are coveted endorsements, what are surely the blogospheric equivalent of the Palme d'Or or some other such award of excellence. Obey our commands and watch.

Let's see the AP sue over this

via Geekologie comes a collection of all the nerd related Obama "hope style" posters that the site obamicon.me has spawned. Youbentmywookie also has an extensive gallery. Not pictured is this one, which is still the best and this one: ...which is also good.

No alarms, no surprises, Obama Time's PotY

In a move that surprised no one, our President Elect Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho Barack Hussein Obama
is Time's Person of the Year. Or the guy who made that Obama painting is, I didn't really read it. To top it off he isn't PotY in that cheap way we all were when they put a mirror on the cover and said we were important, or in that "He's a complete monster, but he was important" way that Hitler, bin Laden, and Stalin were.

He isn't important enough for them to get a new picture idea though. Just throw a few texture layers in photoshop on that OBEY guy's work and call it a day. I like Obama's background, a huge windmill and a large dollar sign. Clearly the two biggest symbols representing his campaign.

The runners up were "Big Bank" Hank Paulson, Sarah Palin, Nick Sarkozy, and Zhang Yimou, the creator of the 'Saved By Zero' Toyota commercial, and the Jonas Brothers. So yeah, I'm betting Barry swept the vote.

Special Announcement: Buy us a Toilet

These Bastards is now accepting donations to our Buy us a Toilet fund. Seattle apparently isn't using theirs anymore and we really think it would tie the room together. Plus, we can't let Calgary get their grubby paws on our All-American (Chinese-made) public toilets, now can we?

Please make your checks out to Cash, or leave sweaty wads of twenties in a crumpled paper bag behind the smoker's station at Pacific Standard (82 4th Avenue, Brooklyn).

No donations are 100% tax-deductible and we doubt they'll actually be used for one of the toilets.