Your morning message board hilarity

In all this debate over the health reform bills America has forgot to listen to one important voice in this debate: fiddle wizard Charlie Daniels and his fans who post on his message board. Sure we hear all sorts of nonsense from "experts", "analysts", "Congressional Budget Offices", and "elected representatives", but what about the considered opinion of a man who wrote It Ain't No Rag It's A Flag and his fans?

Black Monday 03/22/10

To paraphrase a statement by Franklin Roosevelt, Monday March 22, 2010 will be a day that will live in infamy, the day the Democratic controlled congress sold out the American people, voting in a health care bill that a majority of the American people have said over and over they didn't want.

We no longer have a representative government; we essentially have a dictatorship that is willing to force their will on us regardless of what we want. This is the most despicable act ever perpetrated on the American public by the most dishonorable congress we've ever had.

Oh, it gets better. This is a man who was in a Geico commercial. He plays a fiddle! Do you doubt his expertise? I know what you're saying "Charlie Daniels and his fans musing on health care and going mental over the state of the country? Sign me up." I know, but it's a like a million times better than that.

Much in that same vein, we all know that sometimes science is a cruel mistress that shuts out important data from respected individuals. People like the Revered Jim Osbourne of the Landover Baptist Church. I'm not sure of the exact degrees the Reverend holds in Advance Celestial Mathematics, Physics, and Complex Sciencing and Sciencstry, but the man is dropping bombshells left and right on his message board about the state of the universe. Fact bombshells!

Are Stars Actually Giant Diamonds? Science and Math Confirms It

Since stars are clearly stated to be designed for human purpose, it makes no sense that they would be millions of light-years away like scientists claim. If God made stars so we can keep track of time, why seperate them from earth by vast distances? Furthermore, if they were millions of light-years away, that would mean they would have to be very, very big -- even bigger than our own sun. No, that doesn't make sense at all.

Stars are simply lights. But they are not the same as the sun, as scientists say because stars are not yellowish-orange. They are white, silvery, and twinkly. I hypothesize that they are actually celestial diamonds that are reflecting moonlight. That would account for their white-silvery light. They can't be lumps of coal like the sun, otherwise they would be yellow. I think we can agree that diamonds would be the most likely choice.

Does anyone need any more proof? Well if you do I think you'll be glad to know that he also reveals, with the help of his faithful parishioners, that some how because of the magic light properties of diamonds that make light travel through diamonds at about 1/3 the speed of light, that also proves that the universe in 6,000 years old. As one of the posters is keen to point out, this is just "drawing conclusions from sound observations and no wild speculation." Agreed. I mean who knew that God was actually Lucy in the sky with diamonds?

As the Reverend Jim later says, "This is hard science, real science, not the crazy beliefs and blind faith of atheist scientists." Yes, there are giant diamonds floating in space that prove the universe is as old as adding up all the ages in the Bible. Someone get on the blower and call up the Texas State Board of Education. There's still time to get this information into the textbooks!

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Via Coffee Ghost comes this look at how previous Don't Ask, Don't Tell policies benefited humanity.

That's why it's nice to see the Obama Administration and the military finally moving on trying to get this repealed. And despite the overwhelming and increasing popularity of the idea (even in the military), the same hypocrites and troglodytes and fearmongers come out of the woodwork to warn how this will crack the planet in half, legalize armed pedophilia, and make the military susceptible to defeat from a sufficiently armed boy scout troop.

So with the support of the President, the Defense Department, the military, and a general population that doesn't see supporting bigotry or a tacit acceptance of bigotry as aspiring to American ideals, hopefully this can get past Congress in a reasonably sufficient amount of time. By which I mean sometime before the sun burns out. But hey, at least they're finally moving on it. I don't think we're in danger of any more Turing type situations, as I think we've advance a tiny bit since then, but hopefully we could at least avoid firing all those arab linguists that it would probably be smart to have in all those public and secret Middle Eastern wars we start.

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Sure, this ad might seem like a valid point. But then again, healing sick people doesn't give this country a war boner or make us feel extra manly.

I know what you're saying, "You'd think the prospect of immolated infants would be universal, be it desert or ICU." But not only is there no fiery explosion of noisy kaboom sound before an infant dies in an emergency room, but Senators on defense appropriations committees aren't allowed to wet their beaks on the means that immolated that infant in the first place. Plus: no embedded journalists in the cancer ward, either.

Sorry, I remain unmoved. We need to keep wetting our pants over every tan person that singes their groin in a failed attack while we are waging multiple ineffective, costly, and destructive wars, while not giving so much as a tinker's cuss to seriously addressing health care problems.

(h/t Sullivan)

Karl Rove wants you to write to your emperor

I have to give it to Karl Rove, he's come up with an almost limitless supply of ideas, policies, and actions for which President Bush could and did take massive amounts of abuse for. But Crazy Karl isn't done yet. On Rove's Twitter feed (3,999 followers, not even a third of Warren Ellis) he unleashed his latest brilliant Tweet sized idea:

Send a farewell letter to President Bush—Email gwbfarewell@gmail.com [no attachments] and I'll give him your note on January 20.

So now the Turdblossom wants President Bush to feel the full brunt of the intarwubs as he is forced to read through reams of misspelled words, numbers being used as letters, and the magical rage that comes from granting anonymity and an outlet to vent towards the President you hate. So we advise out readers to do the same. If you have a message for the President take Karl's advice and send it to gwbfarewell@gmail.com by the 20th. This is e-mail so some of you will have to abandon your traditional mediums of newspaper and magazine letters cut out and taped onto a sheet of paper (no demands for cash!) or a grim prophecy scrawled in pigs blood on a wall (the heathens must know you are transforming into a higher being!). Have at it!

A message from your Islamofowlist overlords

WE CONTROL THE SKIES NOW!

Bring us crusty bread lest you anger us again.

Barry v. Osama

Osama bin Laden decided to pop back up today with a message for the world and our new President. It was a tape of his congratulations to his Muslim brother and a signal to ease tensions in the Middle East. Just kidding, it was all about the Jews! OBL is, surprisingly, not a fan of this Gaza conflict. He called for a jihad against Israel, which was surprising because I thought one had already been called years ago. Maybe this is a new one, or maybe in all the hubbub of 9/11 and Iraq, Israel just slipped al Qaeda's mind. It happens. He also vowed to open new fronts on the war on terror against the US.

"We are on the way to opening new fronts," he said, urging Muslims to "join hands with the mujahedeen to continue the jihad against the enemy, to continue bleeding them on these two fronts and on the others that are open to you."

"The question is, can America continue the war against us for several more decades? The reports and signs show us otherwise," he said. He said Bush had left his successor "with a heavy inheritance," forcing Obama to choose between withdrawing from the wars or continuing.

"If he withdraws from the war, it is a military defeat. If he continues, he drowns in economic crisis," bin Laden said.

I'm not so sure I buy Osama's financial analysis. We can give almost a trillion to banks but ten billion a month is causing us financial trouble? Did insurgents unleash credit swap markets on us? Come on now, claiming credit for our economic failures? That's just being dishonest. Well, unless Phil Gramm was a cell leader. Also big congrats to George Bush, I didn't think you were going to get a big FACE~! from your greatest failure, but OBL did not disappoint. Have I thanked you for pulling troops out of Tora Bora to go to Iraq? No?

But I'm more outraged by his continual use of audio tapes. We're in a Blu-Ray world Osama, Hamas has its own YouTube and you're still pressing record on your boombox. Get with the program Osama, get a blog, a YouTube channel, and a Flickr account and start hammering out some hate and/or satirical news pieces. How are you going to speak to the kids if you can't poke them on Facebook? Then you can challenge the new guy. It's just hard to take you seriously at this point. Web 2.0, look into it.

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