Broken News: Ayla Brown Dating Political Blogger

CHESTNUT HILL, MA--Multiple sources have confirmed that Ayla Brown, elder daughter of Massachusetts Senator-elect Scott Brown, is dating infamous internet personality Sean of TheseBastards.

Brown, 21, first came to mild prominence in 2006 as a contestant on American Idol. She had flown under the cultural radar ever since, but with her father's election and acceptance speech pimping of his daughter as "definitely available" last week, Ms. Brown has once again been thrust into the public eye.

Indeed, Google image searches for "Ayla Brown nude" and "Ayla Brown upskirt" have increased tenfold over the last week. This is reportedly how Mr. Sean came across his new romantic interest, sometime between 1:30 and 4:00 AM last Friday night/Saturday morning after having repaired to his small Brooklyn apartment to cry and masturbate, using his own tears as lubricant.

"It was love at first sight," said a friend of Brown's, who claims to have overheard multiple conversations wherein the Boston College student said she had been "swept off her feet" by the co-creator of The Internet's Only Political Commentary and Fake News Blog.

According to this source, who has never actually met Brown in person but sits behind her in class all the time, the affair began when Sean posted several nude pictures of himself to Brown's Facebook page late one night. Soon thereafter, he traveled to Chestnut Hill, where after a few "misunderstandings" with Boston College campus police, including three accidental macings and one deliberate tasering, his intentions were made plain.

"Once they saw I was functionally immune to pepper spray, the taser shocks were stimulating me sexually, and that I wasn't going to ever stop roaming the wooded area outside of her dorm, they knew I wasn't there for some flash in the pan, tabloid romance, paparazzi coverage," the lovestruck blogger mused.

The couple has since been on several dates, including afternoons spent matinee hopping at the local multiplex, followed by romantic dinners at their favorite restaurant, Arby's, after which they "totally did it," according to Sean, who had the Beef 'n Cheddar with a side of curly fries.

"They're such a modern pair," said the source. "Sean is so secure in his masculinity that he doesn't object to Ayla paying the bill, fronting him rent money, or talking down a group of South Boston bar patrons he drunkenly called 'dickless meathead fucks'."

"What can I say?" said Sean when asked to address this budding romance. "When you get a shot at some strange who was not only on American Idol but the daughter a Republican who will be jobless in a couple of years, you have to take it."

While the romance hasn't been without its rough patches, namely Brown's failure to reimburse the expenses Sean incurred on chloroform and nylon rope that, as yet, remain unused, the couple remains happy.

"$90 goddamn dollars," Sean was heard to sigh. "Well, at least it's probably safe to put the spare tire back in the trunk."

"Truuuuuuuuue loooooooooove," he began to sing.

But despite the whirlwind nature of their courtship and pending engagement, these young lovers are doing their best to keep level heads.

"Monogamy is really strange," admitted Sean. "Like when you know their name and shit?"

The couple is also requesting that the media respect their privacy, although Sean was quick to note that everyone "should feel free to stop by TheseBastards for up-to-the-minute news on all things romantic-like."

The Brown family did not return multiple requests for comment on this article.

The Arby's in question is under investigation for numerous health code violations.

Broken News: Protest banners usher in new era of peace, prosperity

The protest banner many are saying ushered in a new era of global action and political responsibility

NEW YORK—In what has been a surprising addendum to last week's G20 summit in Pittsburgh, many of the Presidents and Prime Ministers who attended the global forum gathered today at the UN to announce that for once they were going to act on all the promises that were made and start making serious progress towards reforming many of society’s ills. But what was most surprising about today’s events was the reason these dignitaries and leaders gave for deciding to finally make that change: the widespread protests, riots, and demonstrations that again accompanied a gathering of the world’s elite.

“I think it was when I saw that large banner unfurled on one of Pittsburgh’s many bridges,” observed Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, referring to the Danger: Climate Destruction Ahead sign hung by Greenpeace. “I mean sure, we all knew that climate change was a serious issue. But when the problem was so succinctly summarized in a sarcastic banner made to look like a warning label, it was then I knew that action needed to be taken.”

“Plus,” he added, as other leaders nodded in agreement. “I’m a big fan of bridge rappelling as a device for social and economic change.”

It was at this point that others stepped forward to tell what protest moment had personally touched them.

“For me, it was when I saw a guy wearing a black mask and looking like he just got out of ska band practice wave around a sign that said 'Abolish Money',” said German Prime Minister Andrea Merkel. “Instead of thinking it was perhaps the most sad and pathetic thing I’d ever seen or how the man probably had his parents buy him a plane ticket and drive him from his upper class suburban residence to the airport to be able to come here and protest, I thought about how we had failed to make economic fairness a big enough priority. Thank you, Abolish Money guy, we just never thought of it before.”

Prime Minister Merkel's sentiments were common amongst the world leaders. Several confessed that many of the placards, banners, and angry chants contained ideas that no one in government at any level had ever thought to consider before.

“I mean, ‘Don’t bailout fat cats’?” an exasperated Gordon Brown of the UK asked. “It had just never occurred to me! Brilliant! Same goes for the suggestions that we increase regulation and oversight. I mentioned it to President Obama and he seemed dumbstruck. Furthermore, as we’re finding out, it seems that getting these new laws enacted and passed is a relatively simple matter, seeing as there are no competing political ideologies within our countries, nor any feuding economic or social interests with our legislators in their pockets.”

“Unbelievable,” Brown said, laughing as if he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized all of this. “Governing really is as easy as all these protesters seem to believe it is.”

For others, it was the violence of the weekend that made the greatest difference.

“When I saw how willing the protesters were to bust out the windows of an Arby’s, recklessly destroy property, and deliberately provoke and attack police, I knew they were serious about their beliefs,” said Prime Minister Recep Erdogan of Turkey, still clearly moved by the events.

“I mean sure, some cynical people might say they were just selfish egotists deliberately destroying things and getting themselves arrested in order to head back to their liberal arts colleges and talk about ‘how real shit got at the G20’ to their classmates. Or that their naive and dimwitted political philosophies wouldn’t be fit to run a country larger than a parking lot grilled cheese stand at a Phish concert, but I know differently. I saw the Arby’s storefront."

Added Erdogan, "With my own two eyes, man.”

The press conference ended when one reporter asked if the G20 would be bringing in some of the protest leaders to help formulate policies and strategies and the world leaders, bursting at the seams, broke out into what seemed to be long contained and stifled laughter.

“Fuck no,” cried out Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, doubled over with laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. “It was all useless posturing that changed nothing. The world is a complicated place and it’s difficult to get things changed on a large enough scale when you don’t have half-wits outside getting tear gassed while you make an honest attempt to do so. We suggest they all grow up.”

President Obama smiled and pointed to the assembled media “God, ‘protests changing something’” he guffawed. “Admit it, we totally had you fooled. I can’t believe you bought that bullshit. Now if you’ll excuse all of us, we have to go run the world according to the way it really works. Which is almost too depressing to think about. Fuck off.”