And Boehner wept

We all know the health reform bill, now made horrible, horrible law, is completely racist. Why? Uhh... because. I don't know, Glenn Beck and Rush kept saying it was ushering in a new form of slavery or something. I don't have to explain it, I think we can all see how cheaper health care that is more accessible and available is exactly like owning humans as property and making them toil in your fields. It's valid.

But they were only hinting at the racist depths that this bill sunk to. Not only is it morally and ethically the same as slavery, but it discriminates against white people who have taken the time and effort to change their racial make-up from lily white to a sort of orange-bronze. Let Glenn Beck's understudy, Doc Thompson, enlighten you.

For years I’ve suggested that racism was in decline and yeah, there are some, you know, incidents that still happen with regards to racism, but most of the claims I’ve said for years, well, they’re not really real. But I realize now that I was wrong. For I now too feel the pain of racism. Racism has been dropped at my front door and the front door of all lighter-skinned Americans. The health care bill the president just singed into law includes a 10 percent tax on all indoor tanning sessions starting July 1st, and I say, who uses tanning? Is it dark-skinned people? I don’t think so. I would guess that most tanning sessions are from light-skinned Americans. Why would the President of the United Stats of America — a man who says he understands racism, a man who has been confronted with racism — why would he sign such a racist law? Why would he agree to do that? Well now I feel the pain of racism.

Somehow this is worse than police setting dogs and the firehoses on civil rights protesters. Where is the Martin Luther King of the tanners?

First they came for the tanning bed users, but I did not speak up because I was not one of them. Then they came for the spray on tanners and again I did not speak for I was not one of them. Then they came for the tanning cream users and I was taken away because there was no one left to speak for me.

Sure, some will say that this is a preventative health measure meant to reduce rates of skin cancer, but those people are just anti-tannists. It's a full fledged racial assault and proof positive that now only white people are the victims of racism. Squirt a dollop of Coppertone on the ground for our fallen comrades and know that this injustice will not stand. My God, they could be coming for the bikini waxers next. Stay vigilant, this racist health care bill will not stand.

Broken In Brief: Boehner Cops to Tanning Lobby Kickbacks

Rep. John Boehner addresses the media

WASHINGTON--In his first public address since the House passage of comprehensive health care reform yesterday, Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) admitted to accepting a series of bribes from the American Spa Tanning Association.

"I deeply regret this indiscretion and the shame it has brought to these halls," Boehner said during a short press conference in which he also announced he would not be resigning. "But I'm from Ohio. How else could I be expected to maintain this rich chestnut glow?"

Sources close to the minority leader admit that this ethically dubious union likely fueled Boehner's vehement opposition to an expansion of health care. At issue is the Indoor Tanning Services Tax, a seemingly innocuous measure designed to help fund the bill by imposing a 10% tax on "amounts paid for indoor tanning services."

Staffers say that this measure increasingly worried the minority leader. "He'd walk around wringing his hands talking about how this might force him to turn to spray tanning," one intern recalled. "I remember him yelling, 'I can't go down that road. I'll just be a big orange joke!' Oranger joke is more like it..."

Boehner's ongoing struggle with tanning addiction has been well documented -- his nicknames in the halls of congress have included Leatherface, Pelosi's Gardener, That Orange Crying Guy, and Edward James Olmos -- but few suspected the Minority Leader would go so far as to barter policy position for ultraviolet light.

While the specific nature of the kickbacks has not been divulged, Congressional insiders suggest that Boehner likely received reduced rates, extra punches on his "buy ten, get one" discount card, and complimentary scrotal hair removal/bikini zone scorching.