Must the government infringe on a man's right to be orange?

Cheap humor. Sweet, sweet, cheap humor.

We like to make fun of John Boehner for his tanning regimen. Why, because it's easy and we don't like to sweat for a joke. Besides, have you seen him? Motherfucker's orange. Thankfully, John likes easy humor as well, because he's serving up a nice opportunity for everyone to mock him for being a vain, self-obsessed Oompa Loompa.

What's he up to this time? Why he's decrying the abominable health reform bill by blasting out a press release knocking an onerous tax on... tanning beds.

The new tax adds 10 percent to the cost of tanning services businesses provide. Some 30 million Americans visit a tanning salon at least once a year and 75 percent of the employees and customers are women, according to industry sources.
...
According to this Wall Street Journal article, ObamaCare’s tanning tax is causing all kinds of problems for business owners who provide tanning services as well as other products or those who include tanning services as part of a gym membership.

And they call this America? Can't a man be uncommonly orange without the government trying to make him pay and extra buck for it? Is there an uncommonly weepy metaphor the GOP can use to complain about a tanning tax?

Unfortunately, no amount of sunscreen or Aloe will relieve the pain of the Democrats’ impending 10 percent tax on indoor tanning beds

The pain. The pain. Oh the pain. Does perhaps the former standard bearner and Presidential candidate of the Republicans have a Jersey Shore related pun he could unleash to complain about the tanning tax? Perhaps in a Tweet to Snooki?

@Sn00ki u r right, I would never tax your tanning bed! Pres Obama's tax/spend policy is quite The Situation. but I do rec wearing sunscreen!

SenJohnMcCain.

This is serious business, people! I mean, the outrage! People engaging in a luxury activity that increases their likelyhood of cancer by 74% should not be expected to pay minuscule taxes on that activity in order to pay for health care. Also, why would a Senator with a history of face tumors not want to get outraged over a tax that might decrease the amount of people who develop skin cancer?

Look, GOP... I know your minority leader is a tanning addict, but can't you let his unnatural obsession with looking like a citrus fruit be a personal thing? I mean you seemed to have organized a full court press from your leadership on this and even got the conservative media to go after it. Aren't you supposed to be a serious party concerned about serious issues? Isn't this supposed to be a serious country with adult leaders concerned about important business?

Oh, that's right, it isn't. Carry on then. OOOH THAT TANNING TAX! *shakes fist at sky*

And Boehner wept

We all know the health reform bill, now made horrible, horrible law, is completely racist. Why? Uhh... because. I don't know, Glenn Beck and Rush kept saying it was ushering in a new form of slavery or something. I don't have to explain it, I think we can all see how cheaper health care that is more accessible and available is exactly like owning humans as property and making them toil in your fields. It's valid.

But they were only hinting at the racist depths that this bill sunk to. Not only is it morally and ethically the same as slavery, but it discriminates against white people who have taken the time and effort to change their racial make-up from lily white to a sort of orange-bronze. Let Glenn Beck's understudy, Doc Thompson, enlighten you.

For years I’ve suggested that racism was in decline and yeah, there are some, you know, incidents that still happen with regards to racism, but most of the claims I’ve said for years, well, they’re not really real. But I realize now that I was wrong. For I now too feel the pain of racism. Racism has been dropped at my front door and the front door of all lighter-skinned Americans. The health care bill the president just singed into law includes a 10 percent tax on all indoor tanning sessions starting July 1st, and I say, who uses tanning? Is it dark-skinned people? I don’t think so. I would guess that most tanning sessions are from light-skinned Americans. Why would the President of the United Stats of America — a man who says he understands racism, a man who has been confronted with racism — why would he sign such a racist law? Why would he agree to do that? Well now I feel the pain of racism.

Somehow this is worse than police setting dogs and the firehoses on civil rights protesters. Where is the Martin Luther King of the tanners?

First they came for the tanning bed users, but I did not speak up because I was not one of them. Then they came for the spray on tanners and again I did not speak for I was not one of them. Then they came for the tanning cream users and I was taken away because there was no one left to speak for me.

Sure, some will say that this is a preventative health measure meant to reduce rates of skin cancer, but those people are just anti-tannists. It's a full fledged racial assault and proof positive that now only white people are the victims of racism. Squirt a dollop of Coppertone on the ground for our fallen comrades and know that this injustice will not stand. My God, they could be coming for the bikini waxers next. Stay vigilant, this racist health care bill will not stand.