Confused about your economic crisitunity?

Uncertain about the economic future of this country? Don't be, you own around 1/300,000,000th of a large financial corporation. That means when the stock goes up after everything magically turns out OK, you'll have money to burn. It's possible that the money will be burnt for warmth in an abandoned factory as you hide from the Fascist League of Body Mutilators, but don't think about that. Me, I'm going to spend my untold AIG riches on an extra nice apple and pencil stand, to sell goods to a beleaguered and destitute populace, waiting eagerly in bread and soup lines. If you don't have a plan for our economic apocalypse and are confused about all this, don't worry, crazy Uncle Johnny is confused too.

See yesterday when it appeared Paulson and Bernanke were going to tell AIG to suck eggs, McCain was certain of one thing: In no way should the American taxpayer be on the hook for AIG. When Bernanke and Paulson decided to have an orgy with AIG on top of American dollars today, John McCain changed his mind and said of course he was for it. And it's your fault for listening to his words yesterday and getting the wrong idea. This was on the heels of McCain finally becoming a guy who likes regulation after years of supporting deregulation, like the kind that led to the current jugfuck on Wall Street. It's a shame all his advisers are deregulation humping, cretinous apes, including one Phil "My Crevice" Gramm, whose brilliant little act sent us down this primrose path.

Maybe that's McCain's new slogan. "To remedy the crisis I will do the absolute opposite of what all the advisers I pay to advise me say. I am a maverick, gargle my hoary old chestnuts in your mouth." But we're getting ahead of ourselves, McCain might come up with a third opinion on the matter later today, as soon as his team explains to him what an economy is and why he should have read that Econ 101 textbook they put on his 'stuff to do' pile on top of the Matlock DVD's. It's all irrelevant anyway, we're all gonna be so flush with AIG money that we'll all be able to buy big mansions next to his big mansions. We'll hash it out by the fence post.

John McCain wants your children molested

Me: "The meaner, less ethically tethered among us would say to run a counter ad saying McCain is pro-child molester and he wants sexual predators to lure your children into their gingerbread houses..."

Planned Parenthood: Sure Matt, anything else we can do for you?

Me: No, but make another ad with even creepier shots of a man wistfully swigging booze, sitting in his armchair, leering as innocent and vulnerable children get off a bus. Perhaps paste a goofy photo of McCain or his doppleganger's face onto the stock representation of a sexual predator.

Picture of the day - 9.3.08

Come on, you know you missed it...

[from the evil genius that is The Burn Lab]