This new effort has been spearheaded by Reverend Derek Gallagher of the First Light 7th Day Adventist Church of the Holy Spirit Redeemer Sepulcher. "Look, we made the mistake of going all in with one party. Sure, we looked like geniuses around 2004, but well, you all know the rest. Now Republicans are on the wane and we’re screwed seven ways till Sunday if the Democrats get power. Do you think they give a damn what James Dobson thinks? That guy was selling apples on the side of the road before he decided to exploit people’s beliefs for fun and profit.”
Gallagher, clearly flustered by the political climate's potential impact on his own spiritual and, predominantly, financial well-being, explained further. "How am I suppose to get this mega church built if I don’t have Republicans in power ginning up distrust or other faiths, starting wars, and rampaging the countryside stressing the need to get right with God? You want to check the collection plate after universal health care gets passed? We've got to get people back to fearing God’s wrath if they don’t blindly vote based on abortion and fear of gays while getting them to ignore God’s position on pre-emptive war, the death penalty, and some of the more, frankly, welfare state ideals laid out in the New Testament. Who’s afraid of helping the poor? But armies of gays forcefully handing out butt pleasure to the NASCAR set? Cha-ching!”
In addition to the resurgent fear mongering, the council has secured Vatican permission to reinstate Limbo on a provisional basis, much like a religious Shamrock Shake. The popular ethereal state of the afterlife was unceremoniously dumped in 2005 over concerns that un-baptized infants were getting off too lightly. However, it has remained popular with large portions of the the NICC ever since. Thus, if you can prove you voted Republican you will be able to get one baby back into Limbo for every Republican you help elect or one free Hell-to-Limbo upgrade for any deceased ne'er-do-well relative.
Some are taking a more hardline stance on the GOTV operation, explained Father Nigel "Knuckles" Southgate of the Memphis Diocese through a thick cockney accent. “One day you’re going to church, fine as can be, next thing you know you soul’s caught fire ‘cause you voted for Neil Kinnock. It's funny like that. Sometimes, confessions accidentally get printed up and passed out to the parishioners. Sometimes, there’s piss in the communion wine, and we can’t always make sure you aren’t the one who gets it. Have a little think about it before you step into the voting booth.” Southgate then joined two friars accosting a man for turning in a collection envelope that was quote “feelin' fuckin' light, mate."
Still, certain congregations are rejecting gimmicks and 1960’s style British gangsterisms, opting for outright demands of fealty or trading the Eucharist, straight-up, for one completed absentee ballot. Others are just going for straight obfuscation and a narrowminded focus on abortion above any other thing that God ever said, did, or implied in a vague symbolic way. “The classics are the best,” said Bishop Robert J. Hermann of St. Louis. “Check this golden oldie I’m doin’ this week...”
”Judgment Day is on its way. I will either be acknowledged by Jesus or denied by Him in the presence of our heavenly Father. The question I need to ask myself is this: What kind of witness will I give to Him when I go into the voting booth this election day? If I value the good of the economy and my current lifestyle more than I do the right to life itself, then I am in trouble. The right of our children to be protected from destruction is greater than my right to a stable economy or access to decent health care. My desire to raise a family in a safe home cannot justify my voting to remove all current restrictions on abortion, just as my desire to end the war in Iraq cannot justify my voting to remove all current restrictions on abortion.”“Guilt trip! Why mess with what works? Abortion, abortion, abortion, vamp on Hollywood gays for a little bit then - BAM - right back on dead babies. I just hope they can’t link together stopping a war with stopping the killing, torture, and suffering of millions. I’ve just gotta stress the importance of theoretical babies over real humans. I’ve just gotta dazzle them with dead babies.” He then trailed off into working on the speech in many of the classic, regional preacher accents he learned at the Coughlin/Barnum School of Shameless Religious Exploitation.
Some problems have arisen however, though not ethical or religious ones. The NICC has required each church register each successful convert to Operation Godsham so that the NICC can later compare the list to previous voting and registration records. The pressure to register new GOP converts has seen the rise in fraudulent registrations by opportunistic preachers hoping to tack enough Limbo credits into their column to get a full “Get Out of Hell Free” card that would enable them to do whatever they wanted with no eternal consequences, a privilege only typically reserved for the rich, the high ranking clergy, and the connected.
In the past days Mickey Mouse, Tony Romo, Dick Cheney, and Karl Rove’s names have appeared on the lists of fake registrations and GOP conversions turned in by area churches. The latter two were known to be fakes because both Cheney and Rove would immediately burst into flames upon touching consecrated ground.
As Election Day approaches and the efforts turn more serious, all attempts to get a word from God or Jesus on this subject have been met with silence from Heaven’s press office. Sources say the Lords are engaged in a serious, winner take all dice game with Anubis and Gozer the Gozarian. If the NICC mission fails and the final nail is put in the coffin of the GOP/Christian power nexus sources say the Council does not know what will happen next. Whether they try to claim that some magical golden tablets they found have shown them a new way or they fight it out on the streets with the black churches and gay athiests for influence in the Democratic Party remains to be seen.
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