Broken in Brief: Bayport Police Chief commits suicide

BAYPORT, USA--A disturbing tragedy that had gripped Bayport for most of the summer came to a startling end yesterday as Bayport Police Chief Ezra Collig, 63, was found dead in his home, the result of an apparent suicide. The beleaguered chief had been hounded by the press and child advocacy groups after the shocking murder of teen detectives Joe and Frank Hardy last month at Smuggler's Cove revealed his facilitator's role in the brothers dangerous after school activities.

Collig was found naked, suspended by the neck from a cross beam in his garage with with a crude noose fashioned out of shoelaces and long scraps of bath towel. His police cruiser was idling in neutral next to him. A note found nearby read simply, "No funeral." The search begins for a new police chief, but it will be hard to find those in the department who weren't tainted by Collig's "Boys will be Boys" policy, which some claim rocketed Bayport's rates of teen vigilantism, crime solving, snooping, and treasure finding to national highs. These high rates preceded a drastic, and some say related, increase in retaliatory acts on the part of Bayport's surprisingly numerous gangs of smugglers, white slavers, counterfeiters, and mob bosses.

Recent weeks have seen more suspicious spikes in criminal activity, as high school sophomore and amateur detective, Nancy Drew, was badly burned in a botched car-bombing. Whether the new chief can stem the rising tide of violence remains to be seen, as he or she will first be tasked with reforming the tainted legacy of Chief Collig.

Broken News: Teen Detective Duo Murdered by Smugglers at Cove

BAYPORT, USA — The bodies of two teens were found today near Bayport Cove, the apparent victims of a gruesome murder described by local officials as, "sickening beyond any basic sense of human dignity" and a “stomach turning message to the people of Bayport.”

While the Police Department has not released the identities of two victims, they are widely believed to be teen amateur detectives Frank (16) and Joe (17) Hardy. However, due to the condition of what remained of the bodies, positive identification is impossible until dental records can be examined.

The duo, which gained local notoriety for solving the secret of The Old Mill, the mystery of Cabin Island, and finding the Tower Treasure, were apparently investigating international arms dealing, drug trafficking, and slavery rings long rumored to operate out of an area locals have nicknamed "Smuggler's Cove."

Bayport PD Police Chief Ezra Collig said that officers were able to discern that much from a journal fished out of a rotting torso pile near the cove's entrance. Also discovered were a compass corroded and rusted from seawater and blood, as well as what appears to be a crudely drawn Chinese map whose characters had been smudged beyond recognition by human entrails.

Also found on both boys were two passports, suggesting that the boys had either already tracked this group from overseas or planned to follow this case back to its source.

At a press conference earlier today, Chief Collig appeared distraught over his “boys will be boys” policy with the Hardys, having been something of an enabler when it came to their amateur detective escapades. This permissive approach on the part of law enforcement was only encouraged by the boys' father, Fenton Hardy, a former NYPD Detective Lieutenant turned Bayport area Private Investigator.

Both Fenton and Collig’s names came up last year in a federal investigation into the actions of an organization called American Teens Against Crime, a group allegedly started by the elder Hardy and supported locally by Chief Collig. The group reportedly recruited teenagers for intelligence-gathering endeavors deemed "too dangerous" for older, more experienced agents. While the investigation did not result in a trial, those past allegations combined with today’s gruesome events have cast a shadow over the careers of two decorated lawmen.

David Fina, a spokesman for the American Private Investigators Association, released a statement criticizing the two men for their behavior. “What kind of negligent moron allows teenagers to do casework, investigating thieves, smugglers, cattle rustlers, and ghost impersonators? Who on earth would give a 16 and a 17 year-old passports and allow them to used them, unsupervised I might add, for detective work normally tackled by hardened professionals?"

When asked if the APIA would press for further investigation, Fina replied, "You bet your sweet ass. We will also be filing a complaint on behalf of the Union. Hardy was using fuckin' scabs!"

Fenton Hardy could not be reached for comment. Later in the press conference, Collig, refusing to discuss his part in the matter and reading from a prepared statement, warned, "I would just like to remind Bayport youth that if you stumble onto an international cartel of murderous smugglers and drug dealers, for the love of Christ call the police or the FBI. Do not under any circumstances grab your kid brother and a pair of knapsacks and try to solve the case yourselves. These are global networks of hardened criminals, capable of much more than what was uncovered today. Please, do the decent thing and don't get involved."

Sources close to the department say that Collig's service records have been pulled and a full investigation into his role in this tragedy is already underway. A closed casket funeral for both boys is planned for Monday. In lieu of flowers, the family respectfully requests donations to Amnesty International, Boys and Girls Club of America, or The National Rifle Association.