Bush reassures us all

George Bush is ready folks. He has put Rock Band 2 on pause to come lead us out of the financial crisis. He was fuckin' tearin' it up on the hard levels, too. Cheney on drums, Condi on bass, Bush wailin' on lead, and Gates on vocals. They were killing it, but they realized that our nation comes first. So he speechified some. Spew that reassuring pap.

We’ve seen that resilience over the past eight years. Since 2001, our economy has faced a recession, the bursting of the dot-com bubble, major corporate scandals, an unprecedented attack on our homeland, a global war on terror, a series of devastating natural disasters. Our economy has weathered every one of these challenges, and still managed to grow.

See, it's alright. We've been able to weather the other foreseeable crises that Bush didn't foresee, so we'll be able to weather this new crisis that jumped out of the bushes at him, whilst his pants were round his ankles.

But don't you worry, the crack team of fucknuts that helped steer us into this canyon are going to pull us out with a trillion dollar wench. Because somehow they got smarter in all the time they've been on watch while this happened. Not smart enough to head it off years ago, but smart enough to glue it back together after the precious glass menagerie got dropped off the roof. Now if you'll excuse him, Cheney's tapping his watch and they've got to go nail "Spoonman" on hard. No questions will be taken, because he doesn't want to harm John McCain's chances.