Reports indicate McCain stacks paper to ceiling, rolls on 24" chrome

Presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain will convene a press conference tomorrow for an important campaign announcement. Might the Arizona Senator discuss his position on pending FISA legislation delayed by Senators Feingold and Dodd? Offer fresh comment on the mortgage bailout bill currently making its rounds through Congress? Perhaps the decorated veteran will address a freshly released Army history criticizing Gen. Tommy Franks' decision to ass-fuck senior military leadership in the wake of the successful invasion of Iraq?

Nah. Man's got a new plane.

The Republican Party's presumptive nominee will unveil his new campaign airplane on Monday: a Boeing 737-400.

The aircraft shares its name with McCain's ever-present campaign bus, which has been a staple of the candidate's 2000 and 2008 campaigns.

The 95-seat plane — with seats for the candidate, his staffers and the press — has the "Straight Talk Express" logo emblazoned on its fuselage.

While several features of the winged STE have already been released, tomorrow's press conference promises a more comprehensive look inside McCain's new toy. Gearheads that we are, These Bastards would like this opportunity to give you a preview of the additional options ordered by Senator McCain...


--Fully-staffed cardiac care unit

--Original Edition Operation Wolf arcade cabinet

--Combination gin dispenser/three-panel make-up mirror with "Trollop" frosted lettering

--Daguerreotype of McCain and Abraham Lincoln playing billiards

--Cylon detector

--One of them newfangled touch-tone phones

--Pills. Lots and lots of pills.